Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Mom has no dementia diagnosis but intermittently doesn't know her husband?
The pain medications could be the root of the problem, or as suggested it could be an infection or another medication. She definitely... The pain medications could be the root of the problem, or as suggested it could be an infection or another medication. She definitely needs to see a primary doctor for a physical, and perhaps a psychologist (if a neurologist has said there is no dementia).
As you recognize, this is highly abnormal behavior, so looking for the cause makes sense. Sometimes it takes more than one doctor to get to the bottom of things. This is not to denigrate the doctor, but they can't all be experts in everything. Good luck to you,
Carol see more
As you recognize, this is highly abnormal behavior, so looking for the cause makes sense. Sometimes it takes more than one doctor to get to the bottom of things. This is not to denigrate the doctor, but they can't all be experts in everything. Good luck to you,
Carol see more
Question
Is it common to experience intense grief when a parent has advanced dementia?
Sherri23, this is so terribly sad that there are no words for it. We grieve as you grieve.
Carol
Carol
Question
Is it common to experience intense grief when a parent has advanced dementia?
Morgan, I can understand exactly where you are. My dad's dementia came after a surgery to correct effects from a WWII brain injury. The... Morgan, I can understand exactly where you are. My dad's dementia came after a surgery to correct effects from a WWII brain injury. The dementia did come overnight - shocking, heartbreaking and irreversible. Ten years of grieving while trying to provide him with a decent life followed. Whether the process is slow, as with most cases, or instant as in ours, we grieve what they and we have lost, what they and we must go through, and then their physical death. My heart goes out to all of you.
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Question
A cure for elder alcoholism?
Tuscon, everyone who has commented so far is right on. Alcoholism is an incurable disease that does not discriminate. Millions of people... Tuscon, everyone who has commented so far is right on. Alcoholism is an incurable disease that does not discriminate.
Millions of people have found a new life through AA though, as OldBob1936 said, it's one day at a time. I've known many people who have been in your shoes and have found Al-Anon to be a gift. Through Al-Anon you will be sharing your grief and frustration with people who know what you are going through. As with any group, it is made up of human beings. Some groups function better than others for some personalities. You may want to try more than one, but please do try.
Guilt for not being able to fix the problem is not an option. Gladimhere has a compassionate, realistic outlook. I thank you all for your helpful, compassionate answers. And Tuscon, blessings to you. Take care of yourself.
Carol see more
Millions of people have found a new life through AA though, as OldBob1936 said, it's one day at a time. I've known many people who have been in your shoes and have found Al-Anon to be a gift. Through Al-Anon you will be sharing your grief and frustration with people who know what you are going through. As with any group, it is made up of human beings. Some groups function better than others for some personalities. You may want to try more than one, but please do try.
Guilt for not being able to fix the problem is not an option. Gladimhere has a compassionate, realistic outlook. I thank you all for your helpful, compassionate answers. And Tuscon, blessings to you. Take care of yourself.
Carol see more
Question
Where to find resources on help talking to my MIL with rapidly progressing dementia about her end of life pref...
meness, this is tough for anyone. Since your mother-in-law can still make decisions, she absolutely needs a health directive (Power Of... meness, this is tough for anyone. Since your mother-in-law can still make decisions, she absolutely needs a health directive (Power Of Attorney) for health. I wouldn't lay it all on the possible results of this test but you might find that if you open the topic with "what do you want done if it's cancer" she may tell you. Often our loved ones are waiting for us to ask.
If this is cancer, the doctor should inform her of the need for this document. So, if she won't open up to you and get this started, then send the doctor a message that she is balking at the idea and she needs his or her input.
The fact that she's had serious health issues before should make it obvious to her that she needs someone to speak for her even if it's for a short time. Make it plain to her that she can change the document at any time but that everyone should have this done.
If you and your husband haven't had your own health directives drawn up, you could let her know that both of you are doing this and she could go along with you if she'd like.
Good luck to you. I hope that you'll check back with us when you have time.
Carol see more
If this is cancer, the doctor should inform her of the need for this document. So, if she won't open up to you and get this started, then send the doctor a message that she is balking at the idea and she needs his or her input.
The fact that she's had serious health issues before should make it obvious to her that she needs someone to speak for her even if it's for a short time. Make it plain to her that she can change the document at any time but that everyone should have this done.
If you and your husband haven't had your own health directives drawn up, you could let her know that both of you are doing this and she could go along with you if she'd like.
Good luck to you. I hope that you'll check back with us when you have time.
Carol see more
Question
Has anyone used any medicine like Ditropan, oxybutin, or other bladder medicine on a dementia patient to have...
The only connection I've had with that is with the mother of a friend of mine. After taking one of these bladder control drugs she... The only connection I've had with that is with the mother of a friend of mine.
After taking one of these bladder control drugs she began having memory and personality issues. She was eventually diagnosed with AD. When the neurologist took her off of the drugs she improved immensely.
My friend's mother likely has dementia, but the medications made her far worse. That doesn't mean the same thing will happen in every case, but it's something to watch. These side effects are real. They don't occur for everybody and for some they are mild and can be lived with. For others - they are devastating.
I hope that you find the answer that works for your loved one.
Carol see more
After taking one of these bladder control drugs she began having memory and personality issues. She was eventually diagnosed with AD. When the neurologist took her off of the drugs she improved immensely.
My friend's mother likely has dementia, but the medications made her far worse. That doesn't mean the same thing will happen in every case, but it's something to watch. These side effects are real. They don't occur for everybody and for some they are mild and can be lived with. For others - they are devastating.
I hope that you find the answer that works for your loved one.
Carol see more
Question
How can I help my Mom (70) with dementia through her suicidal thoughts and depression?
Rinnytintin ,My heart goes out to your and your mom. There are excellent comments here from a community of people who know what you are... Rinnytintin ,My heart goes out to your and your mom. There are excellent comments here from a community of people who know what you are going through.
The one thing that I would stress is that many people can't take the drugs that for Alzheimer's. Yes, they are worth a try. I've read different estimates but apparently around 30% of the people who take them have positive results. Even with plenty of room for error, that leaves well over half of the people who try them find they don't help, and most of them find that the side effects are too much.
Taking too many drugs can make take older people on a downward spiral. If your mom had an antidepressant that worked well, then maybe should should take it. However, confusion can be a very real side effect of some antidepressants so you were right to try to see if she is better without them.
Work closely with her doctor. Drugs can be the right call in many instances, but the older we get the more likely we are to have problems with them. Pile then on and we're looking for trouble.
All the best to you both. We'd love to hear how things are going when you have the time and energy to check in.
Carol see more
The one thing that I would stress is that many people can't take the drugs that for Alzheimer's. Yes, they are worth a try. I've read different estimates but apparently around 30% of the people who take them have positive results. Even with plenty of room for error, that leaves well over half of the people who try them find they don't help, and most of them find that the side effects are too much.
Taking too many drugs can make take older people on a downward spiral. If your mom had an antidepressant that worked well, then maybe should should take it. However, confusion can be a very real side effect of some antidepressants so you were right to try to see if she is better without them.
Work closely with her doctor. Drugs can be the right call in many instances, but the older we get the more likely we are to have problems with them. Pile then on and we're looking for trouble.
All the best to you both. We'd love to hear how things are going when you have the time and energy to check in.
Carol see more
Question
Incontinence and sitting on furniture. Any ideas?
AS Sunnygirl1 suggested, the reason he is like this is important. I'm assuming that he moved in with you for a reason. Perhaps he... AS Sunnygirl1 suggested, the reason he is like this is important. I'm assuming that he moved in with you for a reason. Perhaps he wasn't competent to live alone? If so, why? If he is simply couldn't afford to live alone, your husband has to kindly but firmly tell him that his hygiene needs upgrading. However, if he has developed dementia, he will needed to be treated as someone who can't comprehend the need to stay clean.
A daily shower wouldn't necessarily be needed if he could clean up with a washcloth between times. Then, every other day or even what he's doing would be okay. But apparently he either doesn't see this need or can't understand it. This makes particular sense if he is becoming incontinent.
A doctor may be the best route if he won't listen to your husband or if he may have dementia.
We'd love an update to see how you are doing.
Carol see more
A daily shower wouldn't necessarily be needed if he could clean up with a washcloth between times. Then, every other day or even what he's doing would be okay. But apparently he either doesn't see this need or can't understand it. This makes particular sense if he is becoming incontinent.
A doctor may be the best route if he won't listen to your husband or if he may have dementia.
We'd love an update to see how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Mom is seeing dead people. What do I say?
I absolutely loved jeannegibbs idea about saying something like "you know how he is - won't wear his glasses and didn't know... I absolutely loved jeannegibbs idea about saying something like "you know how he is - won't wear his glasses and didn't know it was you," or "he/she is just so delighted to see you that nothing more is needed."
The main thing is not to deny that she see them (she does - how or why isn't the issue). So the issue is to try to explain the reason that they don't respond since that seems to be what upsets her.
Validation is one of the most challenging and creative things a caregiver must do in order to help the loved one. Sometimes it's not possible to provide enough comfort, but do what you can and then try distraction.
Good luck to you. You sound like a wonderful caregiver.
Carol see more
The main thing is not to deny that she see them (she does - how or why isn't the issue). So the issue is to try to explain the reason that they don't respond since that seems to be what upsets her.
Validation is one of the most challenging and creative things a caregiver must do in order to help the loved one. Sometimes it's not possible to provide enough comfort, but do what you can and then try distraction.
Good luck to you. You sound like a wonderful caregiver.
Carol see more
Question
Any ideas on how to make sure mom is taken care of, without sacrificing my future?
Great suggestions here from everyone! I would think that hiring in-home help (from your mother's funds) to care for her so that you can... Great suggestions here from everyone! I would think that hiring in-home help (from your mother's funds) to care for her so that you can work part time would be a good idea. You seem to want to continue living with her but you absolutely need outside activities and keeping your hand in work sounds like a good plan.
Read through all of the answers and see what seems to fit for your situation. We have some very wise people on this forum.
Do take care of yourself - you must or you will burn out.
Carol see more
Read through all of the answers and see what seems to fit for your situation. We have some very wise people on this forum.
Do take care of yourself - you must or you will burn out.
Carol see more
Question
Can my grandmother spend down her funds on renovating her room in my house?
I'd check with a local attorney who knows your state Medicaid laws. There's some wonderful advice on this thread so read through it... I'd check with a local attorney who knows your state Medicaid laws. There's some wonderful advice on this thread so read through it all. In the end, though, Medicaid will know so do it legally or you'll likely have a mess.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
My father (85) has been suffering with Parkinson's disease for three years. Often he will open his jaw, is thi...
Yes, I'd check with the doctor. There may be something that can be done if, like Pam says, it is nasal congestion. If it's part of... Yes, I'd check with the doctor. There may be something that can be done if, like Pam says, it is nasal congestion. If it's part of the Parkinson's, then the doctor may have suggestions. Good luck,
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Question
How long does one wait to take action-as nothing major has happened?
I'm really sorry that you have this mess. It's common for family problems get even stickier when a parent nears the end-f-life. The... I'm really sorry that you have this mess. It's common for family problems get even stickier when a parent nears the end-f-life.
The time to act is now if you want to be involved. If your siblings aren't helping your mother, then as snowquail suggested your going out to stay with your mom for awhile is a good idea. Meet her doctors and find out how much they know about her situation.
The person in charge of the trust is working for your siblings at this time. You may need some legal help if they have her money cornered but are neglecting her care. It sounds like, at a minimum, the trust should be paying for in-home care and she should stop driving (the caregiver could take her where she needs to go).
Setting this up and convincing your siblings that this needs paying for will be hard, I'm sure, but try to get it done. Again, you may need legal help, or at least a consultation with Adult Protective Services if they refuse to use her money for her care. The idea of taking pictures before you do anything is a good idea.
We'd love an update from you when you have time,
Carol see more
The time to act is now if you want to be involved. If your siblings aren't helping your mother, then as snowquail suggested your going out to stay with your mom for awhile is a good idea. Meet her doctors and find out how much they know about her situation.
The person in charge of the trust is working for your siblings at this time. You may need some legal help if they have her money cornered but are neglecting her care. It sounds like, at a minimum, the trust should be paying for in-home care and she should stop driving (the caregiver could take her where she needs to go).
Setting this up and convincing your siblings that this needs paying for will be hard, I'm sure, but try to get it done. Again, you may need legal help, or at least a consultation with Adult Protective Services if they refuse to use her money for her care. The idea of taking pictures before you do anything is a good idea.
We'd love an update from you when you have time,
Carol see more
Question
What if Mom passes her Assisted Living eval with flying colors but then after we move her turns out not to be...
tigerdaughter1, your journey shows how dicey the whole thing is. Many communities have wonderful care facilities, but even then some... tigerdaughter1, your journey shows how dicey the whole thing is. Many communities have wonderful care facilities, but even then some facilities are better than others.
Some areas of the country seem to give people no choice but bad and worse. That has to change - it's unacceptable. But now is when most people need help.
My heart breaks for those who have so few choices. You, my friend, have found a creative way forward. I'm so happy for you!
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Some areas of the country seem to give people no choice but bad and worse. That has to change - it's unacceptable. But now is when most people need help.
My heart breaks for those who have so few choices. You, my friend, have found a creative way forward. I'm so happy for you!
Carol see more
Question
I have Parkinson's disease and would like to know what to look for in the beginning and till I pass on?
Jagee2603, I too,am sorry to hear that you have to learn to live with this disease. There's a lot of good information here from people... Jagee2603, I too,am sorry to hear that you have to learn to live with this disease. There's a lot of good information here from people who care for spouses and parents with PD. For deeper research on the stages, which will vary with the individual, try the Parkinson's Foundation at Congratulations for reaching out for support. Please continue this. There may be a Parkinson's group in your community, as well.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
How do I begin the process to become my senior parents' caregiver?
Thanks, gladimhere - you were a big help as always : )
Question
How do I begin the process to become my senior parents' caregiver?
Likely you mean the early stages of Alzheimer's, JMart6963 . By 85 about half of elders are in cognitive decline. . As was mentioned by... Likely you mean the early stages of Alzheimer's, JMart6963 . By 85 about half of elders are in cognitive decline. . As was mentioned by others, if you don't have all of the legal papers in order then this needs to be done before they are unable to sign them. You need a Durable Power Of Attorney for health care (health directive) and one for finances. Hopefully they have also made out a will.
Considering their ages and the fact that they are both showing signs of dementia, I'd start looking at care homes that offer different levels of care so that as they become more disabled by their AD they can move to a memory center.
With two of them in this shape, I can't imagine that you can handle this on your own. Moving frequently can accelerate dementia, so try to make a decision that will last the rest of their lives if possible.
Please check back with us when you can. We'd like to know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Considering their ages and the fact that they are both showing signs of dementia, I'd start looking at care homes that offer different levels of care so that as they become more disabled by their AD they can move to a memory center.
With two of them in this shape, I can't imagine that you can handle this on your own. Moving frequently can accelerate dementia, so try to make a decision that will last the rest of their lives if possible.
Please check back with us when you can. We'd like to know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Mother has problems with her bowel's, there's no warning it just gushes away. What can I do?
This does sound like irritable bowel syndrome or else an infection. I'm wondering if you looked into palliative care for her comfort.... This does sound like irritable bowel syndrome or else an infection. I'm wondering if you looked into palliative care for her comfort. She obviously has many issues and is miserable. Palliative care will continue to treat her for what can be treated but she will also get much more tailored attention.
This article may help:
Best wishes to you both. This is a terrible strain on you.
Carol see more
This article may help:
Best wishes to you both. This is a terrible strain on you.
Carol see more
Question
What if Mom passes her Assisted Living eval with flying colors but then after we move her turns out not to be...
I agree that being honest is the only way to go. Finding an assisted living facility that offers different levels of care is ideal. If they... I agree that being honest is the only way to go. Finding an assisted living facility that offers different levels of care is ideal. If they have a memory unit, they could move her there when the time comes. The only way you'll have 24 hour supervision is a nursing home and she doesn't sound as if she qualifies for that kind of care.
In most AL situations, you can pay for "extras." So, if your mom needs a CNA to check on her several times a day or some other service it is available but not in the original package. This varies greatly by region and by facilities themselves.
Make your choice as carefully as you can and be honest with them (maybe when your mom isn't present).
This is a good move. It's time to take care of yourself while you are still part of caring for your mom.
Carol see more
In most AL situations, you can pay for "extras." So, if your mom needs a CNA to check on her several times a day or some other service it is available but not in the original package. This varies greatly by region and by facilities themselves.
Make your choice as carefully as you can and be honest with them (maybe when your mom isn't present).
This is a good move. It's time to take care of yourself while you are still part of caring for your mom.
Carol see more
When do I know it is time to get Hospice?
Good luck,
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