Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Getting patient to lay down at night?
Your mother isn't going to be able to understand the need to keep her ankles elevated or even the reason she should lie down. I agree... Your mother isn't going to be able to understand the need to keep her ankles elevated or even the reason she should lie down. I agree that she may not be lying flat may be pain so a wedge may help, but I'd discuss both of these issues with the doctor. There's a reason for the edema (often heart related) so this needs checking anyway. It's possible that pain medications and/or a relaxant at night may help her recline. Check with the doctor on both of these issues. They are important for comfort if nothing else.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My husband does not recognize himself in the mirror?
This is very common with AD. Your husband, in his mind, is a much younger man so that man is a stranger. He may become frightened by the... This is very common with AD. Your husband, in his mind, is a much younger man so that man is a stranger. He may become frightened by the "intruder."
One common suggestion for AD caregivers is to remove or cover mirrors. I know - it's hard. But when you "get into his head" - well, think of how you'd react if you walked into a room and saw a stranger standing there!
One more devastating aspect of AD that is far, far too common.
Take care of yourself any way that you can,
Carol see more
One common suggestion for AD caregivers is to remove or cover mirrors. I know - it's hard. But when you "get into his head" - well, think of how you'd react if you walked into a room and saw a stranger standing there!
One more devastating aspect of AD that is far, far too common.
Take care of yourself any way that you can,
Carol see more
Question
Confused..mother seems more lucid since going into memory care?
My mother-in-law was rejuvenated when she went into a local nursing home. She loved the people around her a enjoyed being a part of the... My mother-in-law was rejuvenated when she went into a local nursing home. She loved the people around her a enjoyed being a part of the whole. They encouraged her to play the piano (something that she'd refused to do at home for years) which did wonders for her..
No situation is perfect, but I allowed myself to enjoy her joy. Naturally, she didn't get well and eventually went downhill, but those two years of improvement were great.
It all goes back to individuals. Llamalover saw a bad reaction to morphine, which can happen, however, when my parents were given morphine under hospice care, they both reacted positively. With their pain under control, they were able to find some enjoyment during the last of their life's journey. I do know that some people will react negatively to nearly any powerful drug, however, so there should be options available. One size rarely fits all.
That's one of the great values of this forum. Input from many people with different experiences is priceless.
Take care all,
Carol see more
No situation is perfect, but I allowed myself to enjoy her joy. Naturally, she didn't get well and eventually went downhill, but those two years of improvement were great.
It all goes back to individuals. Llamalover saw a bad reaction to morphine, which can happen, however, when my parents were given morphine under hospice care, they both reacted positively. With their pain under control, they were able to find some enjoyment during the last of their life's journey. I do know that some people will react negatively to nearly any powerful drug, however, so there should be options available. One size rarely fits all.
That's one of the great values of this forum. Input from many people with different experiences is priceless.
Take care all,
Carol see more
Question
Does anyone know the early signs of dementia in elderly women?
Pam mentioned many of the signs, though I think that these hold true for men and women, equally. The differences may come in what they did... Pam mentioned many of the signs, though I think that these hold true for men and women, equally. The differences may come in what they did for a living or what their life was like before dementia.
If a bookkeeper can no longer balance a checkbook, there's likely a problem. If someone who was a good driver starts scraping up the car, there's likely a problem. However, if an "absent minded professor" type of person (male or female) forgets some food in the fridge, you need to ask yourself if this is their "normal" behavior or is it new behavior. New behaviors seems to be a clue to most all types of dementia.
Please keep in touch when you are up to it,
Carol see more
If a bookkeeper can no longer balance a checkbook, there's likely a problem. If someone who was a good driver starts scraping up the car, there's likely a problem. However, if an "absent minded professor" type of person (male or female) forgets some food in the fridge, you need to ask yourself if this is their "normal" behavior or is it new behavior. New behaviors seems to be a clue to most all types of dementia.
Please keep in touch when you are up to it,
Carol see more
Question
How can we fill out paperwork if Mom can't sign?
I've also found it terribly frustrating that a legally obtained POA wasn't valid for government forms. Pam has as good an answer... I've also found it terribly frustrating that a legally obtained POA wasn't valid for government forms. Pam has as good an answer for you as any I can give you. Often, a notary can help. Otherwise, go to you local veterans representative and ask for assistance.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Confused..mother seems more lucid since going into memory care?
You made the right decision. Hospitals are terrible places for our elders. Too much confusion, too many meds. People try their best but... You made the right decision. Hospitals are terrible places for our elders. Too much confusion, too many meds. People try their best but it's not a good atmosphere so many elders decline.
The people on this memory unit know their jobs. Do stay on top of the meds because sometimes medications can cause dementia-like symptoms. But the hospitalization may have caused a permanent setback so even if your mom improves some, If she his well cared for, take time to recover and let her continue recovery. Keep giving her your perfect answer and move forward. Don't take her out unless you are convinced that is the right move, because changing environments can be confusing and trigger more symptoms. Use some time for yourself, too.
Take care,
Carol see more
The people on this memory unit know their jobs. Do stay on top of the meds because sometimes medications can cause dementia-like symptoms. But the hospitalization may have caused a permanent setback so even if your mom improves some, If she his well cared for, take time to recover and let her continue recovery. Keep giving her your perfect answer and move forward. Don't take her out unless you are convinced that is the right move, because changing environments can be confusing and trigger more symptoms. Use some time for yourself, too.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is it legally allowed to decline a patient admission to assisted living due to C Diff infection?
Thanks for your insiders view, MATSTRAZZ. Very helpful to all of us.
Carol
Carol
Question
Is over eating a symptom of dementia?
Writing a list of symptoms is a good idea. Then ask if you can accompany him to the doctor. Present the list of symptoms to the doctor and... Writing a list of symptoms is a good idea. Then ask if you can accompany him to the doctor. Present the list of symptoms to the doctor and see if that helps with the diagnosis.
If you can't go along for the appointment and you don't know the doctor's name, try to find out in conversation. Then write the doctor a note for his or her records. so that when your friend goes for a checkup the doctor has some background.
You are a good person to be concerned. We love to see an update if you learn more.
Take care,
Carol see more
If you can't go along for the appointment and you don't know the doctor's name, try to find out in conversation. Then write the doctor a note for his or her records. so that when your friend goes for a checkup the doctor has some background.
You are a good person to be concerned. We love to see an update if you learn more.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is it legally allowed to decline a patient admission to assisted living due to C Diff infection?
I'm so sorry that this happened to your mom (and you). C-Diff is contagious enough for the AL to be concerned about it being passed on... I'm so sorry that this happened to your mom (and you). C-Diff is contagious enough for the AL to be concerned about it being passed on to staff and other residents. I would think that if your mom receives the proper course of antibiotics, she should then be qualified for readmission. Likely you'd need a doctor to confirm that.
Take care,
Caro see more
Take care,
Caro see more
Question
What is involved in getting power of attorney to make decisions for my mother?
See an elder law attorney or estate attorney to have the papers drawn up. This is a must. Get both POAs - one for health care and one for... See an elder law attorney or estate attorney to have the papers drawn up. This is a must. Get both POAs - one for health care and one for finances. The sooner the better. It isn't a big deal to do - but immensely important.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My mother has been in and out of ALF's since 09 and wants to live on her own. What do I tell her?
Unless you have guardianship there isn't likely a lot that you can do. As was mentioned, so much depends on your mother's other... Unless you have guardianship there isn't likely a lot that you can do.
As was mentioned, so much depends on your mother's other capabilities. If she was in assisted living, I would assume that she has some other health issues. If she was just in retirement living, then that's different. Either way,though, you'll need the help of a doctor, and it doesn't sound as if she'll cooperate.
Sometimes there's nothing you can do but let her do what she wants and see what happens.
You mention the Baker Act which, if I understand it right, would involve medical people in a metal health facility. Perhaps they can help you, however unless you have the legal papers to allow you access to her medical records, you may not get far there, either.
You're in a terrible spot but you may not be able to control what happens. If your mother leaves AL and ends up in trouble again, perhaps you can find assistance during that time.
Far too many people with mental health issues don't get the help that they need. The flip side of that is that people need to be protected from those who would abuse them by saying that they are mentally ill (this is not you - I'm just mentioning this as one reason that there are constraints on what we can do for another adult).
I Power Of Attorney for health care would assist you here, but you didn't mention having that. If you do, you'll at least be able to access her health records and perhaps get the advice of one of her past doctors.
We're here to listen to you even if we can't do a lot more. Please update us when you can.
Carol see more
As was mentioned, so much depends on your mother's other capabilities. If she was in assisted living, I would assume that she has some other health issues. If she was just in retirement living, then that's different. Either way,though, you'll need the help of a doctor, and it doesn't sound as if she'll cooperate.
Sometimes there's nothing you can do but let her do what she wants and see what happens.
You mention the Baker Act which, if I understand it right, would involve medical people in a metal health facility. Perhaps they can help you, however unless you have the legal papers to allow you access to her medical records, you may not get far there, either.
You're in a terrible spot but you may not be able to control what happens. If your mother leaves AL and ends up in trouble again, perhaps you can find assistance during that time.
Far too many people with mental health issues don't get the help that they need. The flip side of that is that people need to be protected from those who would abuse them by saying that they are mentally ill (this is not you - I'm just mentioning this as one reason that there are constraints on what we can do for another adult).
I Power Of Attorney for health care would assist you here, but you didn't mention having that. If you do, you'll at least be able to access her health records and perhaps get the advice of one of her past doctors.
We're here to listen to you even if we can't do a lot more. Please update us when you can.
Carol see more
Question
How do we tell dad he is not making good decisions?
Freqflyer makes a good point about new behavior vs.old, however I'm assuming that this level of frustration/anger is new, anyway. Has... Freqflyer makes a good point about new behavior vs.old, however I'm assuming that this level of frustration/anger is new, anyway.
Has he started any new medications? Many medications have side effects that can cause personality changes or aggressive behavior.
Infections can also cause strange behavior. I'd suggest a physical and a good review of medications. If all is well in those areas, he should probably see a neurologist. This type of behavior could be a sign one of several types of dementia.
Good luck with your journey. Please check back when you feel up to it.
Carol see more
Has he started any new medications? Many medications have side effects that can cause personality changes or aggressive behavior.
Infections can also cause strange behavior. I'd suggest a physical and a good review of medications. If all is well in those areas, he should probably see a neurologist. This type of behavior could be a sign one of several types of dementia.
Good luck with your journey. Please check back when you feel up to it.
Carol see more
Question
How much visiting is too much?
wisteach, this has to be horrible for you. I'm so sorry that you have to handle the death of your mom basically alone, both emotionally... wisteach, this has to be horrible for you. I'm so sorry that you have to handle the death of your mom basically alone, both emotionally and financially. Thank God for hospice.
It's so sad that relatives can make even death harder. Could you ask the hospice chaplain to speak with the people who upset your mom? This seems to be the biggest problem from my perspective and often a person outside of the family dynamic can make some headway when it comes to family problems.
As far a your uncle goes, I'd just ignore the fact that he isn't speaking to you - just act like things are normal. If his visits are okay for your mom, then allow it but don't expect warm feelings between the two of you - then you won't feel so emotionally involved.
We'd love an update from you when you feel up to it. Meanwhile, bless you for being so caring. Get as much help from the hospice social worker and chaplain as you can to help with these issues.
Carol see more
It's so sad that relatives can make even death harder. Could you ask the hospice chaplain to speak with the people who upset your mom? This seems to be the biggest problem from my perspective and often a person outside of the family dynamic can make some headway when it comes to family problems.
As far a your uncle goes, I'd just ignore the fact that he isn't speaking to you - just act like things are normal. If his visits are okay for your mom, then allow it but don't expect warm feelings between the two of you - then you won't feel so emotionally involved.
We'd love an update from you when you feel up to it. Meanwhile, bless you for being so caring. Get as much help from the hospice social worker and chaplain as you can to help with these issues.
Carol see more
Question
Is it wrong to hope someone dies?
It's normal for the caregiver to want relief from the often overwhelming responsibility, and even more so if they are witnessing... It's normal for the caregiver to want relief from the often overwhelming responsibility, and even more so if they are witnessing misery.
AngieJoy and Lassie, you both need some relief. Do not let any guilt seep in. I hope that you can find some relief or another method of care for those for whom you are responsible.
Your elders' lives will end when they end and often times that intense,long-term caregiving can take a terrible toll on the caregiver. You elders' don't want your health to go down while you're caring for them (mental or physical).
If you can't get some relief, at least try to remember each thing we do is a day at a time. Sometimes it's not as overwhelming when we break it down like that rather than think "this will go on forever." Best to you both and everyone else expressing these painful emotions.
Carol see more
AngieJoy and Lassie, you both need some relief. Do not let any guilt seep in. I hope that you can find some relief or another method of care for those for whom you are responsible.
Your elders' lives will end when they end and often times that intense,long-term caregiving can take a terrible toll on the caregiver. You elders' don't want your health to go down while you're caring for them (mental or physical).
If you can't get some relief, at least try to remember each thing we do is a day at a time. Sometimes it's not as overwhelming when we break it down like that rather than think "this will go on forever." Best to you both and everyone else expressing these painful emotions.
Carol see more
Question
My father just passed away. Can my sisters force me to show how I spent his money as Power of Attorney?
Noname1118, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this stress. It's all too common for the person who gives up everything to... Noname1118, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this stress. It's all too common for the person who gives up everything to become the caregiver and it's wrong. I agree with Heather that you can likely be confident that they can't do anything legally - they won't have the time or money to make a big deal. The rift in the family was already there so no loss to you. I hope that you can get what's coming to you financially and get a new start.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My dad won't accept that he's losing his memory and refuses help. What can I do?
Ready2giveup, you must be going through agony. We’re with you on this –others here have experienced similar situations. I’m so sorry. When... Ready2giveup, you must be going through agony. We’re with you on this –others here have experienced similar situations. I’m so sorry.
When an elder can do so safely, I complete support them living where they want to live, but your dad is showing signs of dementia. Try a neurologist first if you haven't. Maybe there will be some help in that direction. Some older people will listen to a doctor when they won't listen to anyone else. Write the neurologist a letter ahead of time with the details you've given us (and more). Then go to the appointment with your dad.
If he won’t cooperate, hard as it is, you may have to force the issue through adult protective services. As was mentioned, if you must guardianship may be the answer, but that is slow and can be expensive and generally involves lots of hostility - not that APS is better in that way.
Please update us if you can. We’d like to know that you are making progress – for your sake.
Carol see more
When an elder can do so safely, I complete support them living where they want to live, but your dad is showing signs of dementia. Try a neurologist first if you haven't. Maybe there will be some help in that direction. Some older people will listen to a doctor when they won't listen to anyone else. Write the neurologist a letter ahead of time with the details you've given us (and more). Then go to the appointment with your dad.
If he won’t cooperate, hard as it is, you may have to force the issue through adult protective services. As was mentioned, if you must guardianship may be the answer, but that is slow and can be expensive and generally involves lots of hostility - not that APS is better in that way.
Please update us if you can. We’d like to know that you are making progress – for your sake.
Carol see more
Question
Dad's tinnitus is the most bothersome at night. Any tips besides a white noise machine?
Constant sounds in your ears that have nothing to do with hearing (tinnitus) is tough to live with. It's generally worse at night... Constant sounds in your ears that have nothing to do with hearing (tinnitus) is tough to live with. It's generally worse at night because this is a time that's supposed to be quiet. Ear injuries and hearing loss due to noise are two causes but there are others, It may help for you to look up tinnitus using one of the respected medical sites. Your dad's doctor should be able to make some suggestions.
The fact that your dad is getting up to look for the source of the sounds would indicate to me that he may be suffering from some confusion, but that could simply be that he's half asleep so he's not alert enough to figure it out. Still, watch for cognitive changes.
I have a good friend who suffers from severe tinnitus so I have an idea of how difficult this is. His is from an ear injury during military service and has been an unwelcome companion for decades, so I don't want to give you false hope. However, there are people who can be helped so keep working with the doctor or even get a second opinion.
Good luck,
Carol see more
The fact that your dad is getting up to look for the source of the sounds would indicate to me that he may be suffering from some confusion, but that could simply be that he's half asleep so he's not alert enough to figure it out. Still, watch for cognitive changes.
I have a good friend who suffers from severe tinnitus so I have an idea of how difficult this is. His is from an ear injury during military service and has been an unwelcome companion for decades, so I don't want to give you false hope. However, there are people who can be helped so keep working with the doctor or even get a second opinion.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Is it common to experience intense grief when a parent has advanced dementia?
You mother will know the truth - that I do believe. It's little enough to hold on to in a case like yours, however. This is something... You mother will know the truth - that I do believe. It's little enough to hold on to in a case like yours, however. This is something that no one should have to go through.
Feel free to update us if it helps to write about it and try to take care of yourself.
Carol see more
Feel free to update us if it helps to write about it and try to take care of yourself.
Carol see more
Question
Witnessing my Mother's deteriorating condition is very painful. Any advice on how to get through this?
Many of us have been where you are, Kyoung. We are with you in spirit. To me, this was the hardest time - grieving before they were able to... Many of us have been where you are, Kyoung. We are with you in spirit. To me, this was the hardest time - grieving before they were able to leave their wracked bodies behind. Blessings, my friend. Go ahead and cry. It does help. For sure, pray.
Carol see more
Carol see more
I took mother to the hospital her pancreatitis level is high?
Anything that stresses the body or mind can worsening AD. My mother-in-law survived a terrible bout of pneumonia but she came out of far worse cognitively than she did before the illness. Hospitalization can really speed up the decline.
Pancreatitis is serious in an otherwise healthy person. The fact that this had made your mother's AD worse is, sadly, not surprising.
Stick with the site. You'll find many people who can commiserate and give you the advantage of their own experiences.
Take care,
Carol see more