Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Can a medical POA share info about the person they served after they have been removed?
Like ReadytoGo, I'm curious. Technically, unless a person has POA for health care he or she is not entitled to information on medical... Like ReadytoGo, I'm curious. Technically, unless a person has POA for health care he or she is not entitled to information on medical records of another person.
However, if this is a family situation, some information is generally shared just to keep loved ones in touch. However, since the person was removed from the MPOA, it seems that there may be a breach of trust here, which means that the person shouldn't be involved at all and certainly shouldn't be sharing information.
Within families there is common sense (generally) about how much to share and the POA is often just for legal purposes. In this case, it may be different in which case a it's possible that a law is being broken.
My feeling is that if the person who assigned the POA and then withdrew it feels exposed, this is wrong.
Good luck. You seem to be a concerned person.
Carol see more
However, if this is a family situation, some information is generally shared just to keep loved ones in touch. However, since the person was removed from the MPOA, it seems that there may be a breach of trust here, which means that the person shouldn't be involved at all and certainly shouldn't be sharing information.
Within families there is common sense (generally) about how much to share and the POA is often just for legal purposes. In this case, it may be different in which case a it's possible that a law is being broken.
My feeling is that if the person who assigned the POA and then withdrew it feels exposed, this is wrong.
Good luck. You seem to be a concerned person.
Carol see more
Question
Is anyone else caring for husband with lung cancer?
rosmarin , I'm not certain how it works in the UK, but I do know that few hospice organizations have people to be with the care... rosmarin , I'm not certain how it works in the UK, but I do know that few hospice organizations have people to be with the care receiver all of the time.
The problem seems to be with your husband refusing change. Likely, hospice would get him a hospital bed which makes things easier all around if he'd accept that. You could hire an in-home caregiver for the hours that you need if he'd accept that care.
I'm so sorry that you have to fight this alone. I do think that hospice is doing what they can but they won't force care on someone who doesn't want it. As your husband declines, maybe he'll stop fighting help and you can get more assistance. Communicate well with the nurse who comes. She or he has likely seen it all.
Update us when you can. We'd like to know how you are doing.
Carol see more
The problem seems to be with your husband refusing change. Likely, hospice would get him a hospital bed which makes things easier all around if he'd accept that. You could hire an in-home caregiver for the hours that you need if he'd accept that care.
I'm so sorry that you have to fight this alone. I do think that hospice is doing what they can but they won't force care on someone who doesn't want it. As your husband declines, maybe he'll stop fighting help and you can get more assistance. Communicate well with the nurse who comes. She or he has likely seen it all.
Update us when you can. We'd like to know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
How do I get assistance placing my father in a nursing home?
All the advice here is right on, Aloneinthis. The only thing I can add is for you to go to the website www.aging.gov. Then click state... All the advice here is right on, Aloneinthis. The only thing I can add is for you to go to the website www.aging.gov. Then click state services. You'll see a long list of links.
As you go through the links, you should find a number of local contacts such as your Area Agency on Aging and the National Caregiver Support Services (this may have a different name but should be similar).
Sadly, states vary greatly in how well they support their elders' needs. However, this list will give you a good starting place.
Please let us know how things go when you have a chance,
Take care,
Carol see more
As you go through the links, you should find a number of local contacts such as your Area Agency on Aging and the National Caregiver Support Services (this may have a different name but should be similar).
Sadly, states vary greatly in how well they support their elders' needs. However, this list will give you a good starting place.
Please let us know how things go when you have a chance,
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is there a list of homes who provide private care for the elderly without medicaid or grants?
I, too, am a bit confused by your question. There are many homes and facilities for full pay but you likely know that. More in formation... I, too, am a bit confused by your question. There are many homes and facilities for full pay but you likely know that. More in formation would help.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do I help take care of an independent mother-in-law (77)?
97yearoldmom offered solid advice, Whitfeld1. Everything is right on. Some people are very independent and do not want "help."... 97yearoldmom offered solid advice, Whitfeld1. Everything is right on.
Some people are very independent and do not want "help." Unless they are cognitively incapable of making any decisions, this should be respected. Some memory loss probably doesn’t yet qualify. I hope that she is somewhat realistic about getting paperwork done and setting up plan for future care. Other than that, check on her often, make sure she has groceries and medications and keep evaluating. She's not that old, so I truly understand her reluctance. However, she needs to understand that planning is necessary so if she won't listen to you, write her doctor a note and have him or her start putting on the pressure to plan.
Update us when you can,
Carol see more
Some people are very independent and do not want "help." Unless they are cognitively incapable of making any decisions, this should be respected. Some memory loss probably doesn’t yet qualify. I hope that she is somewhat realistic about getting paperwork done and setting up plan for future care. Other than that, check on her often, make sure she has groceries and medications and keep evaluating. She's not that old, so I truly understand her reluctance. However, she needs to understand that planning is necessary so if she won't listen to you, write her doctor a note and have him or her start putting on the pressure to plan.
Update us when you can,
Carol see more
Question
Mom's Memory Care Director says her roommate has a right to have her male friend lying on her bed constantly....
Yes, the ombudsman. This person is your representative. The fact that he threatened you and your mother makes this unacceptable. Good luck,... Yes, the ombudsman. This person is your representative. The fact that he threatened you and your mother makes this unacceptable.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
What do you say or do if a man with dementia has lost his wife and he is asking for her?
In most cases I'd just say, "you'll see her soon." You're not really lying, you are comforting him. Try to distract... In most cases I'd just say, "you'll see her soon." You're not really lying, you are comforting him. Try to distract him after you tell him that if you can. He just doesn't need to go through the pain - again - of being told of her death.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do I get mom to eat after her stroke?
I so sorry that she's having to struggle and that you're having to make these decisions. It's hard, I know. At 92, it would... I so sorry that she's having to struggle and that you're having to make these decisions. It's hard, I know.
At 92, it would seem to me that there's a good chance that your mother's body is shutting down. What I'd ask myself if I were in your place is what kind of life is she having and what kind of life would she be having if she is hospitalized with a feeding tube? She's not likely to live too long either way.
I'll be frank in that I'm a big believer in hospice care. We will all eventually die. As I mentioned above, it's a matter of quality of life and quality of the end-of-life experience. If she is in pain, hospice would give her pain medication. They'd do everything possible to keep her comfortable. If she improved and wanted to eat - and that occasionally happens - they'd give her whatever she wanted.
I hope that you talked about end-of-life wishes with your mother long ago. If not, think about how she handled her own parents' aging and deaths. Think about how she'd want to live whatever life she has left.
Hospice has a chaplain who can help you come to terms with the decisions that you must make if you aren't close to another spiritual leader. They are non-denominational.
Please check back with us and let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
At 92, it would seem to me that there's a good chance that your mother's body is shutting down. What I'd ask myself if I were in your place is what kind of life is she having and what kind of life would she be having if she is hospitalized with a feeding tube? She's not likely to live too long either way.
I'll be frank in that I'm a big believer in hospice care. We will all eventually die. As I mentioned above, it's a matter of quality of life and quality of the end-of-life experience. If she is in pain, hospice would give her pain medication. They'd do everything possible to keep her comfortable. If she improved and wanted to eat - and that occasionally happens - they'd give her whatever she wanted.
I hope that you talked about end-of-life wishes with your mother long ago. If not, think about how she handled her own parents' aging and deaths. Think about how she'd want to live whatever life she has left.
Hospice has a chaplain who can help you come to terms with the decisions that you must make if you aren't close to another spiritual leader. They are non-denominational.
Please check back with us and let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
How can I keep a fitness program up after the physical therapist has finished?
Hi Jeannegibbs. often have the same thought but have figured out that the old post shows up in search even years later. As soon as someone... Hi Jeannegibbs. often have the same thought but have figured out that the old post shows up in search even years later. As soon as someone stumbles on it and comments, it's "alive" again.
At times, there's little relationship between the original question and what was revived, but I generally try to answer if the question if there is one. Twocents seems to just want to blow off steam.
I want to take this moment to thank you again for your huge contribution to the forum. You are so grounded and knowledgeable. Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
At times, there's little relationship between the original question and what was revived, but I generally try to answer if the question if there is one. Twocents seems to just want to blow off steam.
I want to take this moment to thank you again for your huge contribution to the forum. You are so grounded and knowledgeable. Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
Person (85) who had surgery. What should I expect from all this?
I'm so sorry! A broken bone is a shock to the body and older people often don't completely recover. Even the hospital experience... I'm so sorry!
A broken bone is a shock to the body and older people often don't completely recover. Even the hospital experience can be upsetting enough to set someone back. As mentioned, anesthesia is also a risk.
There was nothing that you could have done differently. Your aunt may or may not get better with time. She could even continue to decline mentally. Sadly, these things become part of the aging process for many.
So what you can. Keep an eye on the medications because they can add to the problem. And take care of yourself, as well.
Carol see more
A broken bone is a shock to the body and older people often don't completely recover. Even the hospital experience can be upsetting enough to set someone back. As mentioned, anesthesia is also a risk.
There was nothing that you could have done differently. Your aunt may or may not get better with time. She could even continue to decline mentally. Sadly, these things become part of the aging process for many.
So what you can. Keep an eye on the medications because they can add to the problem. And take care of yourself, as well.
Carol see more
Question
How important is routine for a person with dementia/Alzheimer's?
Wonderful responses from the community. Routine is essential to most people with dementia because it's reassuring. As was mentioned,... Wonderful responses from the community. Routine is essential to most people with dementia because it's reassuring. As was mentioned, routine doesn't have to be boring, but for the bulk of the day people should know that they do this, and then they do that. Even if they need help with all of it, routine is calming.
One caveat: As was mentioned, sometimes we have to follow their lead. If your loved one wants to do things differently, then it's okay. Rather than argue, go along with it. But encourage routine when possible.
Think of it this way. Many of us sleep better if we have a routine of some type as we prepare to wind down and (hopefully) get ready to sleep. This routine tells our brain that sleep is on the agenda. It's not all on a conscious level. So routine is likely to help your loved one just because familiar sights, sounds and body movements are involved.
Good luck. Everyone is different so all we can do is offer suggestions.
Carol see more
One caveat: As was mentioned, sometimes we have to follow their lead. If your loved one wants to do things differently, then it's okay. Rather than argue, go along with it. But encourage routine when possible.
Think of it this way. Many of us sleep better if we have a routine of some type as we prepare to wind down and (hopefully) get ready to sleep. This routine tells our brain that sleep is on the agenda. It's not all on a conscious level. So routine is likely to help your loved one just because familiar sights, sounds and body movements are involved.
Good luck. Everyone is different so all we can do is offer suggestions.
Carol see more
Question
Is it wrong to hope someone dies?
MarcoPolo, I'm so glad that I could help. I'm also glad that you discussed this with the social worker at the nursing home.... MarcoPolo, I'm so glad that I could help. I'm also glad that you discussed this with the social worker at the nursing home. You've made huge progress.
Yes, you will feel sad that this is how things are, but what you were subjected to before was far worse and you still felt sad. We can't change what is happening. We can only respond. We can be compassionate and caring and still take care of ourselves. Additionally, you show a lot of insight when you say that your mom was likely subjected to the same treatment. Knowing that makes it easier to forgive her abuse. I'm so thrilled that you are doing well. Your note made my day.
Keep taking care of yourself,
Carol see more
Yes, you will feel sad that this is how things are, but what you were subjected to before was far worse and you still felt sad. We can't change what is happening. We can only respond. We can be compassionate and caring and still take care of ourselves. Additionally, you show a lot of insight when you say that your mom was likely subjected to the same treatment. Knowing that makes it easier to forgive her abuse. I'm so thrilled that you are doing well. Your note made my day.
Keep taking care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
What in home care options are available to us and how can we finance through Veterans insurance as well as Med...
As downtoburnout said, more information would help. VA benefits can vary greatly depending on when the person served and for how long. ... As downtoburnout said, more information would help. VA benefits can vary greatly depending on when the person served and for how long.
Also, many benefits depend on the financial assets of the family. Some areas do offer in-home care for veterans, but there are qualifications. Calling your local VA is your best bet - even though you will have a lot of waiting and menu choosing, etc. Most of them do their best, but sadly, even that depends on where we live.
Good luck to you. Please let us know how you are getting along.
Carol see more
Also, many benefits depend on the financial assets of the family. Some areas do offer in-home care for veterans, but there are qualifications. Calling your local VA is your best bet - even though you will have a lot of waiting and menu choosing, etc. Most of them do their best, but sadly, even that depends on where we live.
Good luck to you. Please let us know how you are getting along.
Carol see more
Question
My friend is having problems caring for her sister with dementia who is living in squalor and is filthy. Sugge...
I agree that asking adult protective services to conduct a welfare check is about all that you can do. As ferris said, being dirty... I agree that asking adult protective services to conduct a welfare check is about all that you can do.
As ferris said, being dirty isn't a crime. If the condition is so bad that it affects the disabled son, then they will likely take actions for his sake. If they feel that the sister is in danger, they make take action to protect her but that could mean going to court, which isn't likely.
We'd love an update if you see any changes.
Carol see more
As ferris said, being dirty isn't a crime. If the condition is so bad that it affects the disabled son, then they will likely take actions for his sake. If they feel that the sister is in danger, they make take action to protect her but that could mean going to court, which isn't likely.
We'd love an update if you see any changes.
Carol see more
Question
My mom (88) is with the beginnings of dementia. Advice on overnight care?
I agree with Pam that she might truly enjoy assisted living. This stage where she can still take care of her own hygiene and other needs... I agree with Pam that she might truly enjoy assisted living. This stage where she can still take care of her own hygiene and other needs won't last. She has a progressive disease.
Still, she sounds like she could take advantage of the socialization at this point and that may help her stay more lucid for a longer time. I hope that you'll look around at what is available in your community.
Take care,
Carol see more
Still, she sounds like she could take advantage of the socialization at this point and that may help her stay more lucid for a longer time. I hope that you'll look around at what is available in your community.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Whom do I turn to when your low of income trying to take care of a parent (90) at home?
RTB1ALB1 , your frustration is understandable as are some of the responses. I agree that the sarcastic ones aren't helpful though,... RTB1ALB1 , your frustration is understandable as are some of the responses. I agree that the sarcastic ones aren't helpful though, GardenArtist is a terrific source of help in general. She's not trying to be critical - only trying to state what she sees as the truth guided only by your note.
You've been through rough times and nothing seems to get done by those who are supposed to help. I don't know where you live but nursing homes in my community treat Medicaid residents the same as others. I spent 15 years with one eye open even though my family was private pay. There was no way to tell who was who.
I realize not all communities are so fortunate but perhaps some homes are better than others.
Sadly, available resources to help caregivers in the home are sparse and hard to get. You have seen that and continue to see that. You've been run through a grinder and are angry. I can understand that.
As was mentioned, I wish that we could wave a magic wand and fix this for you, but we can't. You've tried most everything we can suggest other than, from what I read, opening up about nursing homes.
Best wishes for you and your mother on this journey. It's a cruel one.
Carol see more
You've been through rough times and nothing seems to get done by those who are supposed to help. I don't know where you live but nursing homes in my community treat Medicaid residents the same as others. I spent 15 years with one eye open even though my family was private pay. There was no way to tell who was who.
I realize not all communities are so fortunate but perhaps some homes are better than others.
Sadly, available resources to help caregivers in the home are sparse and hard to get. You have seen that and continue to see that. You've been run through a grinder and are angry. I can understand that.
As was mentioned, I wish that we could wave a magic wand and fix this for you, but we can't. You've tried most everything we can suggest other than, from what I read, opening up about nursing homes.
Best wishes for you and your mother on this journey. It's a cruel one.
Carol see more
Question
Tips for successful day trip to the beach?
You've gotten some wonderful advice from the community. Sun protection and plenty of water come to mind for me here but they've... You've gotten some wonderful advice from the community. Sun protection and plenty of water come to mind for me here but they've been mentioned. I've put a link to an article (below) about other summer ideas that may be easier that you can add to the "making memories" list. Good luck at the beach! Carol
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/ideas-for-spring-outings-with-seniors-168671.htm see more
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/ideas-for-spring-outings-with-seniors-168671.htm see more
Question
Anybody else alone?
Yes, you've given your mom the greatest gift by getting clean. Please start or continue with NA or AA meetings, though. Using their... Yes, you've given your mom the greatest gift by getting clean. Please start or continue with NA or AA meetings, though. Using their program can help you cope with nearly anything in life.
Your brothers must be old enough to help to some degree but if they haven't been trained to help it's probably going to be hard to make them. I wouldn't do things for them that they can do for themselves.
If your dad is healthy, he should also be helping. It sounds as if you are being taken advantage of since your are the "girl." Also, if you are living rent free, your dad may feel that you "owe" them.
Try to have a family meeting of some type to see if you can get them to understand that everyone pulling together will make it better for the whole family.
You may want to seek the help of a family counseling service for more support. Many are free or use a sliding scale.
Good luck, Brianna. You are strong. We all need the support of others. Please let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Your brothers must be old enough to help to some degree but if they haven't been trained to help it's probably going to be hard to make them. I wouldn't do things for them that they can do for themselves.
If your dad is healthy, he should also be helping. It sounds as if you are being taken advantage of since your are the "girl." Also, if you are living rent free, your dad may feel that you "owe" them.
Try to have a family meeting of some type to see if you can get them to understand that everyone pulling together will make it better for the whole family.
You may want to seek the help of a family counseling service for more support. Many are free or use a sliding scale.
Good luck, Brianna. You are strong. We all need the support of others. Please let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
My Mom has been on hospice care for over 2 yrs. I thought it was only if you have 6 mos. to live?
This is unusual. Many people do get better on hospice (once they are off medications that were causing issues) but then they go off of the... This is unusual. Many people do get better on hospice (once they are off medications that were causing issues) but then they go off of the hospice program
Since they are keeping her on hospice care, she will receive only comfort care, however. That means no treatment for her health issues unless the issues are causing pain. They are likely giving her pain meds for any discomfort.
However, pain is the only thing that is treated by hospice. The idea is to let nature take its course. If you want it done differently, talk to the doctor. You can take her off of hospice.
Take care,
Carol see more
Since they are keeping her on hospice care, she will receive only comfort care, however. That means no treatment for her health issues unless the issues are causing pain. They are likely giving her pain meds for any discomfort.
However, pain is the only thing that is treated by hospice. The idea is to let nature take its course. If you want it done differently, talk to the doctor. You can take her off of hospice.
Take care,
Carol see more
My husband had a stroke 20 years ago and is in a nursing home in NJ, I live in TX since we were separated befo...
If some cases you would be worse off. Your problem could be that since you're legally married and your spouse may be running out of funds, you may still be legally responsible. I'd suggest that you see an elder law attorney to see what your financial obligation is.
Nothing means that you can't get divorced if you want to remarry, but you could still, possibly, carry some financial obligations. Legal advice should straighten that out.
Best wishes to you,
Carol see more