Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
My mother (88) just sits and does absolutely nothing. She recently started doing it and I'm concerned. Is this...
You are her security so she seeks you out. She may have dementia which, at 88, wouldn't be unusual. Drugs may or may not help. However,... You are her security so she seeks you out. She may have dementia which, at 88, wouldn't be unusual. Drugs may or may not help. However, she should be seen by a doctor.
It may be time to hire an in-home caregiver for the time you are gone. As was mentioned, she could go out looking for you and get lost. There are no warnings for wandering behavior.
I'd know that you're worried and you have reason to be. Depression increases the risk of Alzheimer's.
We want to know how you are doing so we'd appreciate an update.
Carol see more
It may be time to hire an in-home caregiver for the time you are gone. As was mentioned, she could go out looking for you and get lost. There are no warnings for wandering behavior.
I'd know that you're worried and you have reason to be. Depression increases the risk of Alzheimer's.
We want to know how you are doing so we'd appreciate an update.
Carol see more
Question
How is the situation different when the caregiver is the husband?
I do think for many men it's even lonelier. Men, in general, are less used to sharing emotions with outsiders and less apt to look for... I do think for many men it's even lonelier. Men, in general, are less used to sharing emotions with outsiders and less apt to look for support on line or in groups. However, since more women develop AD than men, there are a lot of male caregivers out there. Just like women, some are exceptional, some good enough and other not cut out for the job.
I must say that I've come in contact with some exceptional men who are caregivers to a wife or mother. I'd like to see more men jump in to support each other in this role.
Keep up the good work JimmyW and all of the rest of you guys.
Carol see more
I must say that I've come in contact with some exceptional men who are caregivers to a wife or mother. I'd like to see more men jump in to support each other in this role.
Keep up the good work JimmyW and all of the rest of you guys.
Carol see more
Question
Are all skilled nursing facilites for rehab the same?
Standards can look the same on the official sites, but it's the staff that matters most. Sadly, where we live matters, as well. In my... Standards can look the same on the official sites, but it's the staff that matters most.
Sadly, where we live matters, as well. In my community, most of the facilities are very good. I agree that most non-profit facilities tend to hire better and simply are more likely to be run with residents in mind. Faith based homes are often some of the best and your loved one needn't be of the faith that supports the home.
We have one local nursing home that was owned by a Lutheran based company, then a secular non-profit and then a Catholic foundation. It remained excellent the whole time, though the Catholic sisters that bought it seemed to do the best. Part of that may be that there is more general knowledge about good nursing home culture now, but part of it is their mission.
Over the 15 years that I was directly involved, I found the home excellent. Not perfect. Mistakes were made. Not every aide was an angel. However, in general, the staff was remarkable and in some cases they fall into my "prayers for life" category. I'll never forget them.
I feel terrible for the people who have little choice but to place their loved one in a poor facility. Caregivers must pressure members of congress and others for better senior care and that means better nursing homes for all.
My main point is that we can't paint them all with the same brush. Also - the age of the furniture matters far less than the caring of the staff. Ideally, a nice facility with good rooms and a wonderful staff - well, that's nearly perfect. However, I'll go for great staff first every time.
Take care,
Carol see more
Sadly, where we live matters, as well. In my community, most of the facilities are very good. I agree that most non-profit facilities tend to hire better and simply are more likely to be run with residents in mind. Faith based homes are often some of the best and your loved one needn't be of the faith that supports the home.
We have one local nursing home that was owned by a Lutheran based company, then a secular non-profit and then a Catholic foundation. It remained excellent the whole time, though the Catholic sisters that bought it seemed to do the best. Part of that may be that there is more general knowledge about good nursing home culture now, but part of it is their mission.
Over the 15 years that I was directly involved, I found the home excellent. Not perfect. Mistakes were made. Not every aide was an angel. However, in general, the staff was remarkable and in some cases they fall into my "prayers for life" category. I'll never forget them.
I feel terrible for the people who have little choice but to place their loved one in a poor facility. Caregivers must pressure members of congress and others for better senior care and that means better nursing homes for all.
My main point is that we can't paint them all with the same brush. Also - the age of the furniture matters far less than the caring of the staff. Ideally, a nice facility with good rooms and a wonderful staff - well, that's nearly perfect. However, I'll go for great staff first every time.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
I am so tired, overwhelmed, depressed, suicidal! I love my folks with all my heart. This pain has got to sto...
ohmeowzer, you have so much to handle with the grief yet you still trudge on with caregiving. I'm glad that you re getting some help... ohmeowzer, you have so much to handle with the grief yet you still trudge on with caregiving. I'm glad that you re getting some help but it's not enough. I hope that you can figure out a plan that will give you more of a life.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
I am so tired, overwhelmed, depressed, suicidal! I love my folks with all my heart. This pain has got to sto...
Desertrat, gladimhere knows what she's talking about. Please read through both of our answers. There is no need for guilt on your part... Desertrat, gladimhere knows what she's talking about. Please read through both of our answers. There is no need for guilt on your part - just self care.
We're here.
Carol see more
We're here.
Carol see more
Question
Will I be able to will money to my daughter and have her apply for Medicaid for my husband's care?
I agree with most people here that because Medicaid, while it's a federal program, is managed mostly by the states, they can vary... I agree with most people here that because Medicaid, while it's a federal program, is managed mostly by the states, they can vary greatly in what is allowed. See an attorney who you know is an absolute pro about your state's Medicaid laws. This is advised when there are any assets that are not completely clear. It's too easy to make a mistake that you (or in this case your daughter) may regret.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
I am so tired, overwhelmed, depressed, suicidal! I love my folks with all my heart. This pain has got to sto...
desertrat5 , you said it yourself - your suicide would kill them. You want to help them and the best way to do that is to take care of... desertrat5 , you said it yourself - your suicide would kill them. You want to help them and the best way to do that is to take care of yourself. Please get in to see your counselor as an emergency case. You also may want to see a psychiatrist who could prescribe some anti-anxiety or other medication for you.
You aren't a bad person for not being a "caregiver." There are many people who aren't. There's nothing wrong with having a personality not meant for long-term caregiving. Obviously your siblings aren't caregivers either, but you are a good person who is trying to do what is impossible for you.
Believe it or not there are excellent care facilities who will take good care of your parents and you could become the visitor when you can do it in a healthy way. Please talk with your counselor about this option.
Sharing the care with others is something that most long-term caregivers find that they have to do in some way or else they will burn out. That can mean in-home care (more often than 2 days) or it can mean - as I said above - a care home.
Just keep uppermost in your mind that your own mental and physical health is vital to your parents. You must put that first.
Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
Carol see more
You aren't a bad person for not being a "caregiver." There are many people who aren't. There's nothing wrong with having a personality not meant for long-term caregiving. Obviously your siblings aren't caregivers either, but you are a good person who is trying to do what is impossible for you.
Believe it or not there are excellent care facilities who will take good care of your parents and you could become the visitor when you can do it in a healthy way. Please talk with your counselor about this option.
Sharing the care with others is something that most long-term caregivers find that they have to do in some way or else they will burn out. That can mean in-home care (more often than 2 days) or it can mean - as I said above - a care home.
Just keep uppermost in your mind that your own mental and physical health is vital to your parents. You must put that first.
Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Can dementia affect the sight?
This definitely calls for a doctor appointment, but I'd also write down her exact words and keep track of the conditions under which... This definitely calls for a doctor appointment, but I'd also write down her exact words and keep track of the conditions under which this happens. Alzheimer's can affect how things are interpreted. Your mother's situation sounds different, but both an eye doctor and her Alzheimer's physician should know about this so that the cause - and potential treatment if one is available - can be determined.
Please update us when you can.
Carol see more
Please update us when you can.
Carol see more
Question
I've lost my direct care class certificate. Where can I obtain a copy?
It seems that the school would be the only place to get one, although that would depend on your state. There may be a state registration... It seems that the school would be the only place to get one, although that would depend on your state. There may be a state registration and if that is the case, you may be able to get a copy through them. see more
Question
Can their mood flip on a dime?
Absolutely! My dad's dementia was caused by a surgery gone wrong that included fluid on his brain. He could change before our eyes.... Absolutely! My dad's dementia was caused by a surgery gone wrong that included fluid on his brain. He could change before our eyes. However, I've seen the same thing happen with my uncle's vascular dementia as well as others with Alzheimer's. Precious moments of clarity can descend immediately after an episode of anxiety or anger. We never know. This makes it very hard on the caregiver but it's part of dementia. We have to expect the unexpected and know that these changes aren't our fault.
It doesn't hurt to keep a journal, however. You or the doctor may spot patterns that can help with decisions on care routines and/or medications.
Please update us when you can,
Carol see more
It doesn't hurt to keep a journal, however. You or the doctor may spot patterns that can help with decisions on care routines and/or medications.
Please update us when you can,
Carol see more
Question
Mom has Alzheimer's and has been living with us for about 2 years. How do I go about finding a place for her?
There are very helpful comments already on this thread for this knowledgeable community. I'd add that you should visit www.aging.gov... There are very helpful comments already on this thread for this knowledgeable community. I'd add that you should visit www.aging.gov and find your state under state resources. This will give you a long list of state specific contacts and organizations (including your Area Agency on Aging) that you can contact. While not all states are totally up to date, they are getting there (this site just started up last year).
You've already got a good start by applying for help but it all takes time and that is especially hard when the caregiver has health problems too. Check out every contact on your state list that makes sense. These people can lead you to other resources.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
You've already got a good start by applying for help but it all takes time and that is especially hard when the caregiver has health problems too. Check out every contact on your state list that makes sense. These people can lead you to other resources.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
I now live with my elderly parents. Where would I go to learn how to take care of them?
Lilymoon1, freqflyer mentioned the blue bar on the main page. Agingcare has done a great job of categorizing information so if you click... Lilymoon1, freqflyer mentioned the blue bar on the main page. Agingcare has done a great job of categorizing information so if you click on a topic such as eldercare you'll see a drop down box with many choices. Click each option and you'll be give many articles that could help you. Good luck!
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
I now live with my elderly parents. Where would I go to learn how to take care of them?
Common sense, respecting the fact that your elders are still individuals who are struggling with their losses, plus love for them and... Common sense, respecting the fact that your elders are still individuals who are struggling with their losses, plus love for them and yourself will help you get through.
For any type of dementia, the Alzheimer's Association is a wonderful resource. Your local chapter (whether they are affiliated with this association or the Alzheimer's Foundation of America) will be a huge support. They can likely send out a social worker for an evaluation.
There are therapists who can help with swallowing issues and other problems that you run into. Ask for help from the neurologist who diagnosed your father's dementia for suggestions and go to www.aging.gov. On this great new government site you'll find your state and from there you'll see your state's resources. We finally have one site for all states even though all states don't have the same services. It's very useful.
The fact that you are asking for help now speaks well for the future. Know when you can't do it alone and hire in-home care or consider assisted living or a nursing home if necessary. Doing so doesn't mean that you are giving up. It simply means that you are looking for the best options for your family situation.
Many people can handle it all through the end, but others have different situations where they can't. And even people who keep their elders in their home for life need outside help in some form.
Read through the categories on agingcare on a regular basis as your needs and interests will evolve with your parents' issues. You'll find many helpful articles that can point you in the right direction.
Please keep in touch with us. This group on agingcare will help. There's almost always someone who has had the same issue that you will be dealing with. Peer support is a huge help.
We all wish you the best and will help when we can,
Carol see more
For any type of dementia, the Alzheimer's Association is a wonderful resource. Your local chapter (whether they are affiliated with this association or the Alzheimer's Foundation of America) will be a huge support. They can likely send out a social worker for an evaluation.
There are therapists who can help with swallowing issues and other problems that you run into. Ask for help from the neurologist who diagnosed your father's dementia for suggestions and go to www.aging.gov. On this great new government site you'll find your state and from there you'll see your state's resources. We finally have one site for all states even though all states don't have the same services. It's very useful.
The fact that you are asking for help now speaks well for the future. Know when you can't do it alone and hire in-home care or consider assisted living or a nursing home if necessary. Doing so doesn't mean that you are giving up. It simply means that you are looking for the best options for your family situation.
Many people can handle it all through the end, but others have different situations where they can't. And even people who keep their elders in their home for life need outside help in some form.
Read through the categories on agingcare on a regular basis as your needs and interests will evolve with your parents' issues. You'll find many helpful articles that can point you in the right direction.
Please keep in touch with us. This group on agingcare will help. There's almost always someone who has had the same issue that you will be dealing with. Peer support is a huge help.
We all wish you the best and will help when we can,
Carol see more
Question
How can I deal with anger and depression associated with Caregiver burnout?
Most people feel some relief when they know that they aren't alone in their problem. That's the whole idea behind peer support.... Most people feel some relief when they know that they aren't alone in their problem. That's the whole idea behind peer support. Caregivers especially need this kind of support since guilt and burnout are both huge burdens we often cope with. Please keep reading and let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Is it wrong to hope someone dies?
Often it isn't the hope that someone will die, it's just that the caregiver needs a break and can see no way out. I agree, with... Often it isn't the hope that someone will die, it's just that the caregiver needs a break and can see no way out. I agree, with fost40, that adult day care can be a boon for both the elder and the caregiver.
Take care of yourself the best you can,
Carol see more
Take care of yourself the best you can,
Carol see more
Question
What can I do if my Father was misdiagnosed for five years?
Jennican, you've got a tough situation. Daisylady had a good suggestion if your dad was in the military - at his age it could have... Jennican, you've got a tough situation.
Daisylady had a good suggestion if your dad was in the military - at his age it could have been during WWII. He'd likely benefit from some services.
It's so sad that your ill mother has caused this issue with money. However, as you say, the gift is the neurologist that sees that dementia is not the issue. Drugs can cause "false dementia" so this is something that everyone has to know about. It's too bad other doctors didn't catch this sooner.
Whatever could have been, you are having to live with what it is right how. An attorney may be the only way for your father to get his share of the money. Since the doctor can back up the point that he does not have dementia, you should make certain the the DPOA is moved to your name if you haven't already done so. The see an attorney to try to get his share of the money.
Thanks so much for joining the community. I hope that you will keep updating us.
Carol see more
Daisylady had a good suggestion if your dad was in the military - at his age it could have been during WWII. He'd likely benefit from some services.
It's so sad that your ill mother has caused this issue with money. However, as you say, the gift is the neurologist that sees that dementia is not the issue. Drugs can cause "false dementia" so this is something that everyone has to know about. It's too bad other doctors didn't catch this sooner.
Whatever could have been, you are having to live with what it is right how. An attorney may be the only way for your father to get his share of the money. Since the doctor can back up the point that he does not have dementia, you should make certain the the DPOA is moved to your name if you haven't already done so. The see an attorney to try to get his share of the money.
Thanks so much for joining the community. I hope that you will keep updating us.
Carol see more
Question
My Mom's dentures causing ulcers. Any advice?
I'm so sorry! This is so frustrating for everybody. My dad had the same problem. Sometimes he had to leave them out to let the gums... I'm so sorry! This is so frustrating for everybody. My dad had the same problem. Sometimes he had to leave them out to let the gums heal. There was nothing more the dentist could do. When his mouth healed, we'd go back to fixodent to keep them in for eating, but it was always a battle.
There are pads that help some people. They fill up space and protect gums. But they were only occasionally satisfactory for Dad. We kept trying everything available, but there was no great fix. Leaving the teeth out while the mouth heals seems to help but then it starts all over again.
I'm afraid this will be a constant battle - trying to maintain gum health and balance that with nutrition and in some cases self-esteem. Dad hated leaving his teeth out.
I wish I had a magic fix. Maybe someone else has a better idea.
Take care,
Carol see more
There are pads that help some people. They fill up space and protect gums. But they were only occasionally satisfactory for Dad. We kept trying everything available, but there was no great fix. Leaving the teeth out while the mouth heals seems to help but then it starts all over again.
I'm afraid this will be a constant battle - trying to maintain gum health and balance that with nutrition and in some cases self-esteem. Dad hated leaving his teeth out.
I wish I had a magic fix. Maybe someone else has a better idea.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Dad cannot operate TV remote control by himself. Any advice?
This was a big problem for my dad. I bought a ton of different ones and never did find a solution. Good to see new options.
Question
What is a reasonable amount of time to take care of mother-in-law's needs?
I agree that you are being ignored. If this were a short-term situation, then it would be okay. But this has gone on for years. It's... I agree that you are being ignored. If this were a short-term situation, then it would be okay. But this has gone on for years. It's time to say this is what I will put up with - you can, of course, help care for your mother, but you need to hire some in-home care for her or sell the house and find her assisted living.
What he is doing is excessive unless he had no other relationship. I know that this is tough for you after giving him so many years, and relationships need compromise, but you are the only one compromising. As someone here said, it may be time to cut your losses. You could suggest join counseling first but my feeling is that he'll refuse.
Please update us on how your are doing,
Carol see more
What he is doing is excessive unless he had no other relationship. I know that this is tough for you after giving him so many years, and relationships need compromise, but you are the only one compromising. As someone here said, it may be time to cut your losses. You could suggest join counseling first but my feeling is that he'll refuse.
Please update us on how your are doing,
Carol see more
Who or where do you go for help when no one will help?
There does come a time for many with dementia where it's too hard to keep them safe if you are the only caregiver.
Please update us when you can.
Carol see more