Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Mom has dementia and will not exercise but only lie down in her totally silent room all day, if she can, and a...
I'm so sorry. This is hard to accept. But sometimes people get to the point that they don't want to socialize. My mother - who was... I'm so sorry. This is hard to accept. But sometimes people get to the point that they don't want to socialize. My mother - who was once very social - simply arrived at a point where she only wanted those close to her or the nursing home staff around. She was in a lot of pain which I think was much of it.
If your mother was once social, then you could ask the doctor to experiment with her medications. There may be other options.
However, sometimes we have to accept that these diseases take their course and we can only do so much. Forcing what the person obviously doesn't want isn't helpful.
Offering suggestions - yes - so continue to do that. I'm certain that the AL staff does the same. But you can't make it happen if it's not going to happen. Offer all of the support that you can.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
If your mother was once social, then you could ask the doctor to experiment with her medications. There may be other options.
However, sometimes we have to accept that these diseases take their course and we can only do so much. Forcing what the person obviously doesn't want isn't helpful.
Offering suggestions - yes - so continue to do that. I'm certain that the AL staff does the same. But you can't make it happen if it's not going to happen. Offer all of the support that you can.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
Will taking away dad's driving time cause him to have emotional issues?
My dad voluntarily gave up his driving before the surgery that caused his dementia because his eyes were bad. However, AFTER the operation,... My dad voluntarily gave up his driving before the surgery that caused his dementia because his eyes were bad. However, AFTER the operation, he thought he could drive and it was a battle but, perhaps fortunately, he was physically unable to even get to the car alone (which was no longer there anyway: )
It's terrible for elders to give up driving because driving symbolizes - at least in much of this country - independence. But it has to happen. As was mentioned, not injuring or killing someone else is the best reason I can think of for people to stop when they must. We just have to stick to our guns, hard as it is. I hated that part.
Take care,
Carol see more
It's terrible for elders to give up driving because driving symbolizes - at least in much of this country - independence. But it has to happen. As was mentioned, not injuring or killing someone else is the best reason I can think of for people to stop when they must. We just have to stick to our guns, hard as it is. I hated that part.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My husband of 62 years is in an Alzheimer facility for 2 weeks. Will I ever stop missing him?
My heart goes out to you, Shirley. So far, I've only been through this with my parents. I would think it's far worse with a... My heart goes out to you, Shirley. So far, I've only been through this with my parents. I would think it's far worse with a spouse.
Read through these wonderful responses from wonderful people who understand what you're going through. It may help you realize that you aren't alone as well as give you some ideas.
The main thing is that this will change as your husband changes but it will never be easy. I hope that you can keep us updated here online and that maybe you can find a support group to attend - one for spouses if possible. Also, get to know the staff well. As was mentioned, they can be such a big support.
Our hearts are with you,
Carol see more
Read through these wonderful responses from wonderful people who understand what you're going through. It may help you realize that you aren't alone as well as give you some ideas.
The main thing is that this will change as your husband changes but it will never be easy. I hope that you can keep us updated here online and that maybe you can find a support group to attend - one for spouses if possible. Also, get to know the staff well. As was mentioned, they can be such a big support.
Our hearts are with you,
Carol see more
Question
Arthritic pain. Any advice?
I'm so glad to read this thread and see the serious thought going into controlling arthritis pain. My mother used to hate those ads for... I'm so glad to read this thread and see the serious thought going into controlling arthritis pain. My mother used to hate those ads for aspirin talking about the "aches and pains" of arthritis as if this pain is a little “bother.” Arthritis pain can be excruciating and when people get to be your mother's age, surgery isn't an option. Looking for other help is.
I like the idea of inserts in her shoes if her toes and other foot joints can handle it. My mother had to go with Velcro closing slippers because she couldn't stand anything touching her joints. Those, of course, didn't give her any support. Her pronation came from the fact that her knees had collapsed. It really had nothing to do with her arches. Knee braces helped a lot (the elastic type, preferably with "stays" along the sides for extra support. They can't be worn for too many hours but they can help a lot.
Talk with the doctor about Tramadol for pain. It's stronger than Tylenol (there are much more effective meds even OtC than Tylenol), easy on the stomach and at 95 they shouldn't have any worries about addiction (this is very low on the scale for that anyway). Yes, it’s an Rx but the generic is inexpensive.
My dad had a pain patch that helped his arthritic spine some, so that is something to consider, too.
We need to do a better job of pain management for our elders. I'm sometimes appalled at the attitude of doctors who are afraid to give an elderly patient medication because they are afraid of addiction. I doubt that they'd feel the same if the situation were reversed.
Bobbi48128 - and all the rest of you - thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring so much. Keep seeking out medical advice as well as practical advice from caregivers. It wouldn't hurt to talk with a good chiropractor, either. Some of them are well versed in pain control that is non-invasive.
Take care, all of you wonderful people.
Carol see more
I like the idea of inserts in her shoes if her toes and other foot joints can handle it. My mother had to go with Velcro closing slippers because she couldn't stand anything touching her joints. Those, of course, didn't give her any support. Her pronation came from the fact that her knees had collapsed. It really had nothing to do with her arches. Knee braces helped a lot (the elastic type, preferably with "stays" along the sides for extra support. They can't be worn for too many hours but they can help a lot.
Talk with the doctor about Tramadol for pain. It's stronger than Tylenol (there are much more effective meds even OtC than Tylenol), easy on the stomach and at 95 they shouldn't have any worries about addiction (this is very low on the scale for that anyway). Yes, it’s an Rx but the generic is inexpensive.
My dad had a pain patch that helped his arthritic spine some, so that is something to consider, too.
We need to do a better job of pain management for our elders. I'm sometimes appalled at the attitude of doctors who are afraid to give an elderly patient medication because they are afraid of addiction. I doubt that they'd feel the same if the situation were reversed.
Bobbi48128 - and all the rest of you - thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring so much. Keep seeking out medical advice as well as practical advice from caregivers. It wouldn't hurt to talk with a good chiropractor, either. Some of them are well versed in pain control that is non-invasive.
Take care, all of you wonderful people.
Carol see more
Question
My Mom passed suddenly six weeks ago and Dad doesn't remember her dying. Any advice?
As has been said, everyone grieves differently. The type and stage of the dementia makes a difference, as well. For some, simply saying... As has been said, everyone grieves differently. The type and stage of the dementia makes a difference, as well. For some, simply saying that "you'll see him/her soon" is enough, or "He's running errands but you'll see him soon." For others who insist that his or her spouse is dead (when that is the truth), the idea mentioned of asking for stories of fun things they did together may work. Sadly, there is no one answer.
The bottom line is that you want to avoid as much “new” grief as you can. However, you also want to address their concerns.
When the stage of dementia, particularly Alzheimer's, is advanced, generally saying "you'll see him soon" and then doing something that is distracting will work.
When the stage is earlier on or the dementia has not affected the memory, it's better to agree briefly and then try to distract by asking for stories if that seems to help, or doing something completely different if that works better.
It's always going to be hard. I do believe that whether or not the living spouse remembers the death of the loved one, his own life will now be limited. Very often spouses give up living and died before long. Not always, of course.
Update us when you can. We can listen even when we can fix your situation.
Carol see more
The bottom line is that you want to avoid as much “new” grief as you can. However, you also want to address their concerns.
When the stage of dementia, particularly Alzheimer's, is advanced, generally saying "you'll see him soon" and then doing something that is distracting will work.
When the stage is earlier on or the dementia has not affected the memory, it's better to agree briefly and then try to distract by asking for stories if that seems to help, or doing something completely different if that works better.
It's always going to be hard. I do believe that whether or not the living spouse remembers the death of the loved one, his own life will now be limited. Very often spouses give up living and died before long. Not always, of course.
Update us when you can. We can listen even when we can fix your situation.
Carol see more
Question
How do I get my Dad to be more social?
Your dad has every right to his feelings. I hope that he's receiving PT and/or OT to get back as much function as he can. He is likely... Your dad has every right to his feelings. I hope that he's receiving PT and/or OT to get back as much function as he can. He is likely depressed - who wouldn't be? An anti-depressant may help but it also may do nothing in this case or even make him worse because of side effects. The doctor should monitor him closely if these are tried.
Sometimes, I think that, as painful as it is for us to watch, we have to accept that our loved one is having a very difficult time for good reason. Pushing him to be more social when he hasn't ever been social may just frustrate him. He needs to be loved as he is (and I know he is but he needs to feel it). With time, he may come to accept these physical limitations, but he's grieving these losses.
Counseling could help some people but my feeling is that this isn't something he'd try. As long as he's seeing the right doctors, my opinion - and this is only my opinion - is that he needs time and space and love. Given that, he may become more active but he's not likely to become what he isn't just to please others.
It's hard to watch this, I know. We want the best for those we love. But they need understanding and support.
Take care of yourself - this is hard on you, too.
Carol see more
Sometimes, I think that, as painful as it is for us to watch, we have to accept that our loved one is having a very difficult time for good reason. Pushing him to be more social when he hasn't ever been social may just frustrate him. He needs to be loved as he is (and I know he is but he needs to feel it). With time, he may come to accept these physical limitations, but he's grieving these losses.
Counseling could help some people but my feeling is that this isn't something he'd try. As long as he's seeing the right doctors, my opinion - and this is only my opinion - is that he needs time and space and love. Given that, he may become more active but he's not likely to become what he isn't just to please others.
It's hard to watch this, I know. We want the best for those we love. But they need understanding and support.
Take care of yourself - this is hard on you, too.
Carol see more
Question
Does new POA override old DPOA powers?
The D means Durable. Most people use POA but still have a durable Power of Attorney. People can assign someone as POA for a limited time... The D means Durable. Most people use POA but still have a durable Power of Attorney. People can assign someone as POA for a limited time over some particular issue, but a durable POA is broad and continues even when the person for whom it's created becomes incapacitated. In most cases, when a new POA is created it replaces the previous one. For legal advice always check with an attorney.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
If I want to legally take over my Mom's finances is there a way to do this without saying she is incompetent?
I hope that she has made you POA. It's so hard to prove incompetence (emotionally, financially and legally). It sounds like she's... I hope that she has made you POA. It's so hard to prove incompetence (emotionally, financially and legally). It sounds like she's got a mess, including the reverse mortgage. They are not always a bad idea but can be done by "shady" institutions as you mentioned. Good luck with this.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Caregiver for 10 years. Was I right to make sure his wishes were carried out?
I'm sorry that you're having such a terrible time. Since he gave you durable POA you should not have any legal issues. You knew... I'm sorry that you're having such a terrible time. Since he gave you durable POA you should not have any legal issues. You knew what he wanted and carried it through. You should be okay.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Mom in AL. Will helping her to pay affect Medicaid?
Moondance, When you have so much to handle alone it can feel overwhelming. You've been such a valuable member of Agingcare and helped... Moondance, When you have so much to handle alone it can feel overwhelming. You've been such a valuable member of Agingcare and helped others. I hope that we can give you something in return.
You and your husband aren't all that old which may make all of your husbands ailments even harder to bear - especially alone. Though you have no children now who can help you, there may be adults who can.
Perhaps if you call your local Area Agency on Aging you can get the name of a counselor who can just let you tell your story. The Alzheimer's Association also has social workers who can come to the house to do an evaluation. Reaching out any way that you can is important.
One good tool is to go to www.aging.gov and click on "state services." Find your state and see what they have to offer for support.
Meanwhile, please keep in touch with us here on this forum. We care about each other and understand how hard all of this can be.
Take care of yourself by reaching out, Moondance, and please update us on how your are doing.
Carol see more
You and your husband aren't all that old which may make all of your husbands ailments even harder to bear - especially alone. Though you have no children now who can help you, there may be adults who can.
Perhaps if you call your local Area Agency on Aging you can get the name of a counselor who can just let you tell your story. The Alzheimer's Association also has social workers who can come to the house to do an evaluation. Reaching out any way that you can is important.
One good tool is to go to www.aging.gov and click on "state services." Find your state and see what they have to offer for support.
Meanwhile, please keep in touch with us here on this forum. We care about each other and understand how hard all of this can be.
Take care of yourself by reaching out, Moondance, and please update us on how your are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Is there anyone else caregiving for someone with macular degeneration?
Here's an article about helping people live with vision problems. That's obviously not the only issue here but it may give your... Here's an article about helping people live with vision problems. That's obviously not the only issue here but it may give your some ideas:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/living-with-vision-problems-177792.htm
Other issues should be checked out, too. A complete checkup to rule out a UTI or other infection (gums, etc.), a hearing check, and of course a visit to a neurologist if needed.
Good luck,
Carol see more
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/living-with-vision-problems-177792.htm
Other issues should be checked out, too. A complete checkup to rule out a UTI or other infection (gums, etc.), a hearing check, and of course a visit to a neurologist if needed.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Must I enroll in part B when I enroll in part A?
Working with switching insurances when a person retires can be kind of a circus, but once you are settled, it should be good other than... Working with switching insurances when a person retires can be kind of a circus, but once you are settled, it should be good other than going over meds for Medicare D once a year if you choose to do that.
Back when I was a news librarian, every year we'd go through meetings and nonsense about our "choices" even though we had no real choices. Since I've been self-employed, I've faced other insurance decisions. So, yes, the end of the year/beginning of the next is not only about holidays. It's about health insurance and taxes : ) It's always something that I've dreaded dealing with every year so I hear you, blueviolet.
Carol see more
Back when I was a news librarian, every year we'd go through meetings and nonsense about our "choices" even though we had no real choices. Since I've been self-employed, I've faced other insurance decisions. So, yes, the end of the year/beginning of the next is not only about holidays. It's about health insurance and taxes : ) It's always something that I've dreaded dealing with every year so I hear you, blueviolet.
Carol see more
Question
If I put my Dad in a home for dementia, can I take him back out if I want to?
You can move your dad anytime that you want, however if he's happy once he's settled I'd think twice about it. Nursing homes... You can move your dad anytime that you want, however if he's happy once he's settled I'd think twice about it.
Nursing homes vary so much by area that it's hard to say what is best. Some are excellent and residents get great care plus a lot of extras. Others are not very good and I've heard of far too many that should be shut down.
You'll have to decide - with your dad's input if he's able - what is best in your community. But your core question about whether or not you can move him is yes, unless he is cognitively aware and doesn't want to move.
I hope that this works well for you.
Carol see more
Nursing homes vary so much by area that it's hard to say what is best. Some are excellent and residents get great care plus a lot of extras. Others are not very good and I've heard of far too many that should be shut down.
You'll have to decide - with your dad's input if he's able - what is best in your community. But your core question about whether or not you can move him is yes, unless he is cognitively aware and doesn't want to move.
I hope that this works well for you.
Carol see more
Question
Is this just part of getting old or could it be sundowner syndrome?
This could be any number of things, Hope72, so I think she should see a doctor. At age 92, even a small adjustment in medications could... This could be any number of things, Hope72, so I think she should see a doctor. At age 92, even a small adjustment in medications could make a difference, however, it's true that she could have a form of dementia. Not every case of each type of dementia shows the same symptoms which is why it takes a professional to diagnose what is happening.
There may or may not be anything that can be done to help her, but she certainly needs to be checked.
Please update us when you know more.
Take care,
Carol see more
There may or may not be anything that can be done to help her, but she certainly needs to be checked.
Please update us when you know more.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is this just part of getting old or could it be sundowner syndrome?
Your dad's medications need to be carefully examined because meds can cause these types of issues - complete personality changes,... Your dad's medications need to be carefully examined because meds can cause these types of issues - complete personality changes, hallucinations, anger, etc. However, a neurologist is important here because some types of dementia can start like this, as well.
If you and/or your mom can keep records while you wait for an appointment, that may help the doctor. Chart when meds are taken, when the activity starts, and anything else that enters your mind. It's possible that a pattern could emerge.
I saw this with my dad while he was hospitalized. Twenty minutes after a dose of the supposedly helpful medications he became so paranoid he thought people were trying to kill him. It was like clockwork. So, yes, tracking can help.
However, if this is a type of dementia that presents with aggression and/or hallucinations, then the doctor will have to do more than change the medications. He or she will have to work with all of you on a care plan.
Please update us when you can. We want to know how you are doing.
Carol see more
If you and/or your mom can keep records while you wait for an appointment, that may help the doctor. Chart when meds are taken, when the activity starts, and anything else that enters your mind. It's possible that a pattern could emerge.
I saw this with my dad while he was hospitalized. Twenty minutes after a dose of the supposedly helpful medications he became so paranoid he thought people were trying to kill him. It was like clockwork. So, yes, tracking can help.
However, if this is a type of dementia that presents with aggression and/or hallucinations, then the doctor will have to do more than change the medications. He or she will have to work with all of you on a care plan.
Please update us when you can. We want to know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
My Mom seems to enjoy her ALF but when family comes, she wants to go home. Any advice?
Even without dementia, people in declining health understandably want to go back to "better times." Home generally signifies... Even without dementia, people in declining health understandably want to go back to "better times." Home generally signifies comfort and safety, a refuge from the world. So, visiting families may remind the person of life as it was before and their response is wanting to go home, even though "home" isn't what they think it is.
When dementia is added to the mix, it's even more complicated. Home could mean a childhood home that no longer exists or it could mean the home that the person once shared with a spouse right after marriage.
However, in the end, the result is the same. The person wants to feel safe and loved and the word home signifies that.
Sunnygirl and Lucysmom both had wonderful responses. This is a common occurrence that needs to be handled somewhat differently depending on the circumstances. For a person without dementia, logic may work. "Mom, this has been great for you and you've enjoyed it. You're just having a moment of nostalgia." But for people with dementia, it's best to use some form of validation such as was suggested. "You can go home as soon as the house is ready," or "it won't be long now." Then distract the person and let it go.
Don't feel guilty. This is a terribly difficult thing to deal with, but it's something we must cope with. It may help some to read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/home-is-all-about-heart-especially-for-elderly-166113.htm
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
When dementia is added to the mix, it's even more complicated. Home could mean a childhood home that no longer exists or it could mean the home that the person once shared with a spouse right after marriage.
However, in the end, the result is the same. The person wants to feel safe and loved and the word home signifies that.
Sunnygirl and Lucysmom both had wonderful responses. This is a common occurrence that needs to be handled somewhat differently depending on the circumstances. For a person without dementia, logic may work. "Mom, this has been great for you and you've enjoyed it. You're just having a moment of nostalgia." But for people with dementia, it's best to use some form of validation such as was suggested. "You can go home as soon as the house is ready," or "it won't be long now." Then distract the person and let it go.
Don't feel guilty. This is a terribly difficult thing to deal with, but it's something we must cope with. It may help some to read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/home-is-all-about-heart-especially-for-elderly-166113.htm
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
Does anyone's dementia patient get confused looking at a clock or calendar?
Understanding calendars and clocks takes a kind of thinking that is taken away by the disease. In fact, some of the earlier tests (which... Understanding calendars and clocks takes a kind of thinking that is taken away by the disease. In fact, some of the earlier tests (which some doctors still use) is to have the person with dementia draw a clock face. The doctor can track the deterioration of the brain by the deterioration of the person's ability to draw a clock face correctly.
I'd imagine that a calendar would be much the same. The ability to organize and plan is more about how the brain works than vision (though that matters, too, of course). Some of this works into making sense of a clock or calendar.
The thread here mentions watches which brought to mind other issues:
My mother and my mother-in-law both needed to wear watches because they always had. My mom could have interpreted the numbers but they were small so she didn't really use it. She had large faced clocks all over - both digital and traditional. Still - when the watch battery ran down I was called at all hours to replace that battery (immediately!).
My MIL picked her skin (common with Alzheimer's) and got it so raw under her watch that we had to take her watch away to avoid serious infection. I got her a watch on a neck chain so she had something but it never was right. None of it was about time - it was about the familiar.
Much of what we do as caregivers is to try to provide a sense of calm, which often means keeping things as familiar as possible. So, whether or not a watch can be read isn't always the point.
Take care,
Carol see more
I'd imagine that a calendar would be much the same. The ability to organize and plan is more about how the brain works than vision (though that matters, too, of course). Some of this works into making sense of a clock or calendar.
The thread here mentions watches which brought to mind other issues:
My mother and my mother-in-law both needed to wear watches because they always had. My mom could have interpreted the numbers but they were small so she didn't really use it. She had large faced clocks all over - both digital and traditional. Still - when the watch battery ran down I was called at all hours to replace that battery (immediately!).
My MIL picked her skin (common with Alzheimer's) and got it so raw under her watch that we had to take her watch away to avoid serious infection. I got her a watch on a neck chain so she had something but it never was right. None of it was about time - it was about the familiar.
Much of what we do as caregivers is to try to provide a sense of calm, which often means keeping things as familiar as possible. So, whether or not a watch can be read isn't always the point.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Hospice death vs. Right to die?
I'm sorry about the emotional pain that you've been through. It's tough to watch someone we love die. Hospice won't force a... I'm sorry about the emotional pain that you've been through. It's tough to watch someone we love die.
Hospice won't force a person to eat. When a person is that far into the dying process the body doesn't process food and it becomes a negative. Healthy people often feel terrible because they think that their loved one is hungry. At that point, food isn't the issue. Through studies, they've found that even hydrating does nothing for comfort and just prolongs the process.
As was mentioned, taking an action to kill is illegal. What hospice does is try to keep the person comfortable while they die a natural death. In some cases, the person going through the death process is at a point where large enough doses of morphine are needed to prevent pain that they do become uncommunicative. My thoughts there are that I'd rather have them out of pain. We can still communicate by holding their hands and talking to them.
As was mentioned, if you had a POA, you certainly could ask questions. I know that some hospice organizations are better than others. My experience was with the cream of the crop. But most are good and are willing to explain the process when asked.
Take care of yourself, now. You might want to attend the grief counseling that hospice offers for 13 months after the death of a loved one.
Carol see more
Hospice won't force a person to eat. When a person is that far into the dying process the body doesn't process food and it becomes a negative. Healthy people often feel terrible because they think that their loved one is hungry. At that point, food isn't the issue. Through studies, they've found that even hydrating does nothing for comfort and just prolongs the process.
As was mentioned, taking an action to kill is illegal. What hospice does is try to keep the person comfortable while they die a natural death. In some cases, the person going through the death process is at a point where large enough doses of morphine are needed to prevent pain that they do become uncommunicative. My thoughts there are that I'd rather have them out of pain. We can still communicate by holding their hands and talking to them.
As was mentioned, if you had a POA, you certainly could ask questions. I know that some hospice organizations are better than others. My experience was with the cream of the crop. But most are good and are willing to explain the process when asked.
Take care of yourself, now. You might want to attend the grief counseling that hospice offers for 13 months after the death of a loved one.
Carol see more
Question
Can I opt out of Medicaid to avoid the spend down?
No one is forced to go on Medicaid - a person must qualify for lack of funds needed to maintain health care. So, as the others have said,... No one is forced to go on Medicaid - a person must qualify for lack of funds needed to maintain health care. So, as the others have said, we are missing some information or we don't understand your question. We'll try to answer better if you'd like to add more.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
The bank will not acknowledge my POA. What can I do?
I have to say that I had a horrible time closing out my parents' bank account after they died (it was empty). POAs are no good after death. Finally, a copy of the will did the trick. You'd think a death certificate would do it, but no. I needed more documentation. Finally, a copy of the will did the trick.
Good luck to all who have to fight with this issue,
Carol see more