Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
The nursing home lost the hearing aid, are they responsible for it?
Since they lock the hearing aids up at night and put them in her ears in the morning, it depends on when the aid went missing. Unless your... Since they lock the hearing aids up at night and put them in her ears in the morning, it depends on when the aid went missing. Unless your mom removed it during the day, which is possible, they should be responsible. However, as was mentioned before, elders often remove them and the aids get lost, put in the garbage or stepped on. The's the dilemma. If you could prove when it was broken, then you'd have a case, but likely they'll get out of it because there's no way to know when it went missing. Hearing aids and glasses are frustrating for all involved, even the homes with the best care and intentions.
It would be nice if they'd at least split the difference. Please update us - we'd love to hear what happens.
Take care,
Carol see more
It would be nice if they'd at least split the difference. Please update us - we'd love to hear what happens.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Mild Cognitive Impairment and a progressive neurodegenerative disorder. What to do?
I would suggest a second opinion. Since the doctor acknowledges that drugs could be an issue, I don't understand why he won't try... I would suggest a second opinion. Since the doctor acknowledges that drugs could be an issue, I don't understand why he won't try other approaches. I am aware that when you have several issues to treat things get complicated, However, it doesn't sound to me like this doctor is very good at communication or experimentation, and both are important elements of working with people like your husband (and you, the caregiver).
No doctor should be insulted by the fact that a patient wants a second opinion, but you don't have to mention it to him. If you need a referral, ask your husband's primary physician, just stating that you'd like a second opinion because of the complicated nature of the illnesses.
It wouldn't surprise me if the drugs used to treat the MSA are making the MCI worse. Not all MCI leads to dementia, though it often does. Drugs that affect the brain can push a person in that direction. It's possible that there is no other choice but it doesn't hurt to see if another doctor is aware of an alternative option.
My heart goes out to you, as the caregiver, with all that you are going through. Please update us on how you are doing.
Carol see more
No doctor should be insulted by the fact that a patient wants a second opinion, but you don't have to mention it to him. If you need a referral, ask your husband's primary physician, just stating that you'd like a second opinion because of the complicated nature of the illnesses.
It wouldn't surprise me if the drugs used to treat the MSA are making the MCI worse. Not all MCI leads to dementia, though it often does. Drugs that affect the brain can push a person in that direction. It's possible that there is no other choice but it doesn't hurt to see if another doctor is aware of an alternative option.
My heart goes out to you, as the caregiver, with all that you are going through. Please update us on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
How can I fake grieving when I have no grief?
Marialake, you don't have to fake grief when they die. Considering their ages, you can simply reply to anyone who asks how you're... Marialake, you don't have to fake grief when they die. Considering their ages, you can simply reply to anyone who asks how you're doing that you know that life comes to an end. They lived a long time and now they are at peace. Please don't blame yourself for what you're feeling.
A bigger issue seems to be - couldn't they qualify for a nursing home? What do you have to have your life taken up in this way? You've lost so much and you deserve your own life. You could still visit and they would have some interaction with others. I'd look into it.
Take care of yourself - that is the most important thing here.
Carol see more
A bigger issue seems to be - couldn't they qualify for a nursing home? What do you have to have your life taken up in this way? You've lost so much and you deserve your own life. You could still visit and they would have some interaction with others. I'd look into it.
Take care of yourself - that is the most important thing here.
Carol see more
Question
How do I get myself to mentally accept my Mom living with me?
Sometimes we feel backed into a corner, as if we have no choice. I've been there. There is the option of in-home care for her with... Sometimes we feel backed into a corner, as if we have no choice. I've been there. There is the option of in-home care for her with frequent visits from you. I understand the craving to have alone time since I need more of that than most people seem to. It's part of our sanity. You've already given a lot. I'd consider in-home care as one option. Please do come back here and as was mentioned "talk it out."
Take care of yourself!
Carol see more
Take care of yourself!
Carol see more
Question
I think I made the wrong decision by putting my mom into a nursing home. What can I do now?
Shawntell, not only is this better for you, it's better for your mom. She may think she'd rather not live there but she'd feel... Shawntell, not only is this better for you, it's better for your mom. She may think she'd rather not live there but she'd feel guilty living with you since she knows that you can't do it any more without endangering yourself. You'll both be healthier for this move. I'm so thankful that you've stuck with it. Continue to value your own health - your mother does even if she can't directly say so. Please keep checking in with us.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Phantom smells, paranoid delusions. Any advice?
I agree that some people have a heightened sense of smell, either naturally or caused by medications or illness. However, it seems paranoid... I agree that some people have a heightened sense of smell, either naturally or caused by medications or illness. However, it seems paranoid to think that neighbors are throwing chemicals at the house.
I'd would take her to a doctor for an overall checkup and alert the doctor ahead of time by mail that a referral to a neurologist may be necessary.
I wouldn't mention this to your wife. Leave suspected dementia out of the discussion because she may balk. There are many types of dementia, and some first present symptoms of paranoia or personality change. Only a doctor skilled in diagnosing different types of dementia would be likely to get it right. There are different approaches to treating different types of dementia, so this is important.
We can hope that your wife's problems are caused by an infection or some medication that she's taking. This is entirely possible. However, it she is cleared of these issues, then she needs a neurological workup.
Please update us as you find out more.
Carol see more
I'd would take her to a doctor for an overall checkup and alert the doctor ahead of time by mail that a referral to a neurologist may be necessary.
I wouldn't mention this to your wife. Leave suspected dementia out of the discussion because she may balk. There are many types of dementia, and some first present symptoms of paranoia or personality change. Only a doctor skilled in diagnosing different types of dementia would be likely to get it right. There are different approaches to treating different types of dementia, so this is important.
We can hope that your wife's problems are caused by an infection or some medication that she's taking. This is entirely possible. However, it she is cleared of these issues, then she needs a neurological workup.
Please update us as you find out more.
Carol see more
Question
Do I argue with Mother with dementia?
Hi HelpingHelen, welcome to Agingcare. We are here to support you with our own experience. You might want to read over the categories at... Hi HelpingHelen, welcome to Agingcare. We are here to support you with our own experience. You might want to read over the categories at the just before the place to ask questions shows and then read articles and community input about your issues. Please feel free to chime in on any thread or ask you own special questions.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Options for patients released from Hospice care?
I'm sorry that your experiencing such a confusing situation. In order to stay on hospice, your mother must be considered terminal. ... I'm sorry that your experiencing such a confusing situation. In order to stay on hospice, your mother must be considered terminal.
Hospice is there for comfort care, not rehabilitation. They do give heavy doses of pain medication as part of keeping the person comfortable. Considering that the person is supposedly dying, addiction isn't the issue - comfort is.
That being said, many people do improve once they are in hospice. Sometimes it's because they have been taken off of a long list of medications that had horrible side effects. Other times, it's simply the course of their disease and no one knows why they improve. However, once they are no longer considered terminal, insurance will no longer pay, so hospice has no choice but to release them from the program.
Since your mother has two months left in hospice, I'd start looking at nursing home or other care just in case she makes it. However, she may be in a temporary upswing with her condition and that may pass. No one can really tell - even the doctors. Just start preparing for her care outside of hospice knowing that it's entirely possible that she won't keep improving.
Most people who leave hospice are back on again shortly - after all, they were accepted into the program because they were diagnosed as terminal.
Please keep us updated. This is horrible to go through alone.
Carol see more
Hospice is there for comfort care, not rehabilitation. They do give heavy doses of pain medication as part of keeping the person comfortable. Considering that the person is supposedly dying, addiction isn't the issue - comfort is.
That being said, many people do improve once they are in hospice. Sometimes it's because they have been taken off of a long list of medications that had horrible side effects. Other times, it's simply the course of their disease and no one knows why they improve. However, once they are no longer considered terminal, insurance will no longer pay, so hospice has no choice but to release them from the program.
Since your mother has two months left in hospice, I'd start looking at nursing home or other care just in case she makes it. However, she may be in a temporary upswing with her condition and that may pass. No one can really tell - even the doctors. Just start preparing for her care outside of hospice knowing that it's entirely possible that she won't keep improving.
Most people who leave hospice are back on again shortly - after all, they were accepted into the program because they were diagnosed as terminal.
Please keep us updated. This is horrible to go through alone.
Carol see more
Question
Should I contact social security about my Dad passing?
It's sad that while we're dealing with death we have these other worries, but that's how it goes.The money already in the... It's sad that while we're dealing with death we have these other worries, but that's how it goes.The money already in the account should be fine to use for their expenses as long as it was a shared account in the first place. But Social Security and all pensions and related payment belongs to the deceased so SS should be notified.
In my experience, they already were and the checks just stopped. I don't know if it was the funeral home or some other entity who did the notifying, but the checks stopped without me doing anything. Just make certain you don't use money that goes in after the death since that could be a mistake.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
In my experience, they already were and the checks just stopped. I don't know if it was the funeral home or some other entity who did the notifying, but the checks stopped without me doing anything. Just make certain you don't use money that goes in after the death since that could be a mistake.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
What are the drawbacks to guardianship?
Is this because she doesn't have a POA? There shouldn't be any drawbacks if this is the only reason. It's expensive, so be sure... Is this because she doesn't have a POA? There shouldn't be any drawbacks if this is the only reason. It's expensive, so be sure that there isn't another way. I never had to do this, so read the opinion of others before you decide. You would need to check with an elder law attorney, too.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Do I argue with Mother with dementia?
Excellent comments here! I validated my dad with all the "good" things but when he saw war on TV (he wasn't supposed to have... Excellent comments here!
I validated my dad with all the "good" things but when he saw war on TV (he wasn't supposed to have the TV on during news) - he was certain there was a war in our community and he accused me of lying to him when I said there wasn't. It was distressing to say the least.
All that I could do was acknowledge his stress and in a kind way tell him the was was in a different part of the world and the war couldn't get to him.. Did it help? No. I tried to make him feel safe and let him know I was there. Eventually it passed and he moved on to something else. We can't make it all go away no matter how hard we try. My heart is with you.
Please read the full string on comments as each one has something valuable to share.
Take care,
Carol see more
I validated my dad with all the "good" things but when he saw war on TV (he wasn't supposed to have the TV on during news) - he was certain there was a war in our community and he accused me of lying to him when I said there wasn't. It was distressing to say the least.
All that I could do was acknowledge his stress and in a kind way tell him the was was in a different part of the world and the war couldn't get to him.. Did it help? No. I tried to make him feel safe and let him know I was there. Eventually it passed and he moved on to something else. We can't make it all go away no matter how hard we try. My heart is with you.
Please read the full string on comments as each one has something valuable to share.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My Mother has dementia and is lonely. What are my options for socializing?
I should have mentioned Adult Day Care as an option as some others have done here. Adult Day Care, for even a couple of days or half days... I should have mentioned Adult Day Care as an option as some others have done here. Adult Day Care, for even a couple of days or half days each week, can be a wonderful way for elders to socialize. It isn't cheap, but most people are very happy with the service and most elders really enjoy it once they get used to it. Some even have buses to pick them up.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
What do you do when elderly parent refuses needed care or legal considerations?
Julie and SherylBeth, your frustration is valid. The reason for the laws being the way they are is also valid, in that without their rights... Julie and SherylBeth, your frustration is valid. The reason for the laws being the way they are is also valid, in that without their rights upheld many elderly people could be victimized by family members or others who didn't have the elders' best interests in mind.
However, when dementia has been diagnosed - perhaps by more than one doctor - one would think that it would be easier to get them moved into safer care whether or not that is what they say they want. Trying to get guardianship is not only expensive, but it can be difficult even with a dementia diagnosis.
Some states may have more lax laws than others so you could check with your state's attorney's office and see if there is anything that you can do. I wish I could give you a better answer, but I can't. Maybe someone else has a suggestion.
Please update us when you can. We can commiserate with you if nothing else.
Take care,
Carol see more
However, when dementia has been diagnosed - perhaps by more than one doctor - one would think that it would be easier to get them moved into safer care whether or not that is what they say they want. Trying to get guardianship is not only expensive, but it can be difficult even with a dementia diagnosis.
Some states may have more lax laws than others so you could check with your state's attorney's office and see if there is anything that you can do. I wish I could give you a better answer, but I can't. Maybe someone else has a suggestion.
Please update us when you can. We can commiserate with you if nothing else.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How can I control my temper when I am so fatigue and tired?
You are not a bad person, you are human! My goodness - eight years of this with no help. Please do as was suggested and check further into... You are not a bad person, you are human! My goodness - eight years of this with no help. Please do as was suggested and check further into Medicaid and call all of the social services organizations in your area. They often pay for a few hours of respite. Some of that may come from a human services organization and occasionally these hours go to waste because people don't know about the programs.
You must have a break for your sake and your mother's.
Please update us. We want to hear back,
Carol see more
You must have a break for your sake and your mother's.
Please update us. We want to hear back,
Carol see more
Question
My Mother has dementia and is lonely. What are my options for socializing?
Your local senior commission likely offers a number of activities, but your mom may need someone to take her. If you can't take her to... Your local senior commission likely offers a number of activities, but your mom may need someone to take her. If you can't take her to functions, you could hire a caregiver from a local agency just for that purpose. These people take the care receiver for groceries and other shopping and to events if that is what is wanted. Look into this and see what can be done.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
My Mother for 9 years thought to have dementia has a reassessment tomorrow. What to expect?
There is a type of dementia caused by alcohol abuse called Korsakoff syndrome, mainly caused by a thiamine deficiency. If your mother has... There is a type of dementia caused by alcohol abuse called Korsakoff syndrome, mainly caused by a thiamine deficiency. If your mother has since stopped drinking and is getting the nutrients she needs, it's possible that her brain has, to some degree at least, recovered.
I echo the others when asking - is she in a nursing home now? Is she cognitively and physically in a state where she can safely go home?
I'm assuming the reassessment is because she has improved. It's possible that the original diagnosis was flawed. That happens quite often because of medication issues, infections or other reasons that are not dementia but cause dementia like symptoms.
I'd say have the reassessment and then talk with the doctor about the results. Talk with your mom. See where her general health stands. Then make the decision.
Please update us when you know!
Thanks,
Carol see more
I echo the others when asking - is she in a nursing home now? Is she cognitively and physically in a state where she can safely go home?
I'm assuming the reassessment is because she has improved. It's possible that the original diagnosis was flawed. That happens quite often because of medication issues, infections or other reasons that are not dementia but cause dementia like symptoms.
I'd say have the reassessment and then talk with the doctor about the results. Talk with your mom. See where her general health stands. Then make the decision.
Please update us when you know!
Thanks,
Carol see more
Question
If veteran is put into nursing home care, does his pension decrease?
As GardenArtist said, it's best to contact the VA. There are often unique aspects to people's situations that can make a difference... As GardenArtist said, it's best to contact the VA. There are often unique aspects to people's situations that can make a difference in benefits. Also, going through certified veteran's organizations, as she also suggested, is a great idea. There are far too many scammers that want to take veteran's money by offering "help" for a price. Tread carefully if anyone wants money for offering help.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How can you tell if Alzheimer's meds are helping?
The ongoing question, Gorlin - how do we know what our loved one would be like without the medications? From what I've read, most... The ongoing question, Gorlin - how do we know what our loved one would be like without the medications? From what I've read, most doctors think that the medications help slow the development of symptoms for about 30% of the people who take them. There are variations on this, but you get the drift.
Balance that information with the side effects some people suffer from and it's not always an easy choice. I've heard from people who feel that the meds have been a miracle. I've heard from people who've witnessed side effects that completely negate any good that the drugs may do.
Talk over your concerns with the doctor. If you do decide to go with the drugs, remember that there is a time when the drugs are no longer effective, so in essence, more drugs simply mean more negative side effects.
We all wish there were clear cut answers to these issues. The fact that there aren't is probably one of the hardest issues to fact. Working closely with the doctor is vital. You may want to keep a journal of daily (hourly?) moods and behaviors so that you have some track record for comparing.
Take care, Gorlin , and please update us when you can. This is a problem faced by a large percentage of caregivers in this community.
Carol see more
Balance that information with the side effects some people suffer from and it's not always an easy choice. I've heard from people who feel that the meds have been a miracle. I've heard from people who've witnessed side effects that completely negate any good that the drugs may do.
Talk over your concerns with the doctor. If you do decide to go with the drugs, remember that there is a time when the drugs are no longer effective, so in essence, more drugs simply mean more negative side effects.
We all wish there were clear cut answers to these issues. The fact that there aren't is probably one of the hardest issues to fact. Working closely with the doctor is vital. You may want to keep a journal of daily (hourly?) moods and behaviors so that you have some track record for comparing.
Take care, Gorlin , and please update us when you can. This is a problem faced by a large percentage of caregivers in this community.
Carol see more
Question
Is it normal for an Alzheimer's patient to lose a lot of weight?
Many do as the disease progresses. Some of that is from eating problems, but sometimes the disease itself causing a kind of wasting. Check... Many do as the disease progresses. Some of that is from eating problems, but sometimes the disease itself causing a kind of wasting. Check with the doctor if the weight loss is extreme.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Is it right or wrong for an elderly parent to pay their child for care?
Take care of yourself, too, though.
Carol see more