Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Will I ever be me, ever again?
I agree that you may not feel like yourself until after caregiving has ended. Even then you will find that you have changed. You may want... I agree that you may not feel like yourself until after caregiving has ended. Even then you will find that you have changed. You may want to read this article on rebuilding your life: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-ending-after-death-148071.htm and/or this one on how caregiving can change us: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-can-change-personality-161527.htm
Tarajane said that you will again enjoy yourself without guilt and I think that's true. When we step up to the plate and do all that we can, most of us can move on with a good feeling. It's often the adult children who stood back and did nothing who have the hardest time afterward.
You'll be okay, Johnjoe. It's hard, but you'll come out of it yourself but better.
Take care,
Carol see more
Tarajane said that you will again enjoy yourself without guilt and I think that's true. When we step up to the plate and do all that we can, most of us can move on with a good feeling. It's often the adult children who stood back and did nothing who have the hardest time afterward.
You'll be okay, Johnjoe. It's hard, but you'll come out of it yourself but better.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My eyes feel dry and burn all the time. Can anyone help?
Dry eyes and burning could be allergies but could indicate more serious problems. Also, very dry eyes due to lack of blinking or simply the... Dry eyes and burning could be allergies but could indicate more serious problems. Also, very dry eyes due to lack of blinking or simply the aging process may be common but still should be addressed. See your eye doctor to get this resolved. You eyes are too precious to ignore.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Are there any pitfalls that I should be aware of with Medicare Advantage?
Medicare Advantage can be okay for younger people who have few health problems, however for someone who is 86 I would recommend traditional... Medicare Advantage can be okay for younger people who have few health problems, however for someone who is 86 I would recommend traditional Medicare Parts A and B plus a supplemental policy Plan F. Then there are no co-pays. The co-pays can add up very quickly if there's a hospitalization or if there are a lot of doctor visits. There are other traditional plans (supplemental) that are cheaper than Plan F but there are co-pays. In my opinion, Plan F is worth every cent.
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Carol see more
Question
Will Medicare pay for hospice care in a nursing home?
I understand paying for the regular nursing home services but this sounds odd. I'd contact the ombudsman for the nursing home. You can... I understand paying for the regular nursing home services but this sounds odd. I'd contact the ombudsman for the nursing home. You can find that by going to www.aging.gov and finding your state services. Click on that and you should find a link to the ombudsman who can help answer you questions.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Do we have to pay taxes on my Dad's cashed out life insurance policies?
I would think that in most cases you won't since the money will go into nursing home payments but it's best to do what is... I would think that in most cases you won't since the money will go into nursing home payments but it's best to do what is mentioned. 1. Ask a CPA who prepares taxes about what your obligation is. 2. Check with Medicaid and see what they say. Hopefully, both sources will agree.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
At what age can people qualify for support?
Your brother needs more services through his social worker. I'd call him/her and ask about financial management and perhaps subsidized... Your brother needs more services through his social worker. I'd call him/her and ask about financial management and perhaps subsidized housing. He's mentally ill and, unfortunately, in a situation where there are too few services, but perhaps your state offers more help than you know. I hope that you can find someone to intervene.
Please update us on how you and he are doing.
Carol see more
Please update us on how you and he are doing.
Carol see more
Question
My Father moved in and is taking over my life. I feel terribly guilty when I don't entertain him, what can I d...
Goldilocks, you've done more than most people could already. Considering the medical issues that your dad has had, I'm amazed that... Goldilocks, you've done more than most people could already. Considering the medical issues that your dad has had, I'm amazed that he wants to do anything at all.
I agree that if you went to the senior center with him a few times and helped him make friends, that could be of some benefit. But you need to be up front with him and tell him that you can't sacrifice financially or you will all be in trouble - including him. Let him know that this is about loving him and the rest of your family. He needs to find some activities that he can do without you if he wants a social life.
You might want to go online to www.aging.gov and find CA under state services. See what links look useful for you and explore them. You may come up with some good ideas and/or some services that your dad qualifies for when you go back to work.
Most of all, ban guilt! You have done so much and will continue to do everything that you can - if you take care of yourself. Otherwise, you won't be much help for your dad or anyone.
Carol see more
I agree that if you went to the senior center with him a few times and helped him make friends, that could be of some benefit. But you need to be up front with him and tell him that you can't sacrifice financially or you will all be in trouble - including him. Let him know that this is about loving him and the rest of your family. He needs to find some activities that he can do without you if he wants a social life.
You might want to go online to www.aging.gov and find CA under state services. See what links look useful for you and explore them. You may come up with some good ideas and/or some services that your dad qualifies for when you go back to work.
Most of all, ban guilt! You have done so much and will continue to do everything that you can - if you take care of yourself. Otherwise, you won't be much help for your dad or anyone.
Carol see more
Question
How can a very hard of hearing person stay social in activities?
Helpful answers! I've never heard of the blue tooth connections but that is remarkable. It's hard for many people who have hearing... Helpful answers! I've never heard of the blue tooth connections but that is remarkable.
It's hard for many people who have hearing loss, with or without hearing aids, to enjoy large crowds or any event that has a lot of background noise. Yes, hearing aids are getting better but from the people I've talked with, I've gotten the impression that there is still a long way to go.
Keep watching this thread for more tips, ayamesan. There are amazingly creative people here.
Take care,
Carol see more
It's hard for many people who have hearing loss, with or without hearing aids, to enjoy large crowds or any event that has a lot of background noise. Yes, hearing aids are getting better but from the people I've talked with, I've gotten the impression that there is still a long way to go.
Keep watching this thread for more tips, ayamesan. There are amazingly creative people here.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What's recommended when eating causes nausea?
It's hard to see our loved ones not eating but that is part of the body shutting down. My mother got so she only wanted cool foods such... It's hard to see our loved ones not eating but that is part of the body shutting down. My mother got so she only wanted cool foods such as fruit, some fresh vegetables and sometimes, ice cream. She'd eat very light meals like toast and tea (sometimes). She didn't even want to see a big meal because seeing a lot of food ruined what appetite she had. Everyone is different, but since you mom is on hospice I wouldn't worry about nutrition. Give her what she wants when she wants it. Hospice may have more suggestions.
Try to take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Try to take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
I'm worried about a man (62) at work who has always been healthy, but lately his speech is going. Any advice?
Good point, Babalou. It's worth a try!
Carol
Carol
Question
I'm worried about a man (62) at work who has always been healthy, but lately his speech is going. Any advice?
This is so sad and puts you in a tough position as his employer. You sound very supportive. I'm glad that he is seeing a neurologist. I... This is so sad and puts you in a tough position as his employer. You sound very supportive.
I'm glad that he is seeing a neurologist. I was thinking it may be Parkinson's until you mention the problem with transition from tile to carpet. That sounds like Alzheimer';s ( a real part of the disease). People can have mixed dementias, as well.
Best case scenario would be if they found that some medication that he takes is giving him these symptoms, but your description sounds pretty convincing. He needs a neurologist to determine what is wrong.
Support him the best that you can. If there are other duties that you could give him temporarily (not demanding public speaking) that would be ideal.
Please update us when you can.
Carol see more
I'm glad that he is seeing a neurologist. I was thinking it may be Parkinson's until you mention the problem with transition from tile to carpet. That sounds like Alzheimer';s ( a real part of the disease). People can have mixed dementias, as well.
Best case scenario would be if they found that some medication that he takes is giving him these symptoms, but your description sounds pretty convincing. He needs a neurologist to determine what is wrong.
Support him the best that you can. If there are other duties that you could give him temporarily (not demanding public speaking) that would be ideal.
Please update us when you can.
Carol see more
Question
Do we tell my MIL that her adult grandson is gay and engaged?
I agree with all of the comments from these wise people. New photos won't matter a lot. If you want to show her a photo of her grandson... I agree with all of the comments from these wise people. New photos won't matter a lot. If you want to show her a photo of her grandson and his friend, that would work. There's no way she's going to understand the newer fact of gay marriage so I wouldn't try to introduce it to her. She will (briefly) understand friendship. She'll likely forget it all but you will have at least given her a chance to see her grandson and his spouse.
I can understand your son wanting to have his once understanding grandmother know about his happiness but the disease has robbed her of this understanding. You son may understand this compromise - not that you are not trying to hide the facts but you are working with a person who is living in the moment and/or with only past knowledge.
I've had others ask me about this issue and I've given the same opinion.
We have to decide what to tell - even including deaths - so this is just one more thing that sadly must be filtered.
Carol see more
I can understand your son wanting to have his once understanding grandmother know about his happiness but the disease has robbed her of this understanding. You son may understand this compromise - not that you are not trying to hide the facts but you are working with a person who is living in the moment and/or with only past knowledge.
I've had others ask me about this issue and I've given the same opinion.
We have to decide what to tell - even including deaths - so this is just one more thing that sadly must be filtered.
Carol see more
Question
My very elderly Dad is done living. What can I do?
When someone is nearing the end of life, hospice can not only help them remain comfortable. They can help the family understand what will... When someone is nearing the end of life, hospice can not only help them remain comfortable. They can help the family understand what will help and what will only drag out misery.
Our society has a hard time accepting that we all die and that there are worse things than death. Obviously, if someone is depressed or has other issues that could be helped with medication, that should be tried. But when elderly people know that their time is coming, I believe that offering our love and traveling the journey with them is the thing to do. Is it hard? Yes. But for many, dying is a process and our support along the way is the strongest method of providing love. The end result can be beautiful. It's the cycle of life.
For everyone going through this, my heart is with you. I've been through it and will go through it again.
Take care,
Carol see more
Our society has a hard time accepting that we all die and that there are worse things than death. Obviously, if someone is depressed or has other issues that could be helped with medication, that should be tried. But when elderly people know that their time is coming, I believe that offering our love and traveling the journey with them is the thing to do. Is it hard? Yes. But for many, dying is a process and our support along the way is the strongest method of providing love. The end result can be beautiful. It's the cycle of life.
For everyone going through this, my heart is with you. I've been through it and will go through it again.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My Father (90+) says that my Mother (90+) has dropsy. Is there any treatment for this at her age?
I agree with cwillie. If your parents will let you go along with them to the doctor maybe you can find out more about the cause. Dropsy is... I agree with cwillie. If your parents will let you go along with them to the doctor maybe you can find out more about the cause. Dropsy is a term rarely used by doctors these days which makes me wonder if your parents are going to the doctor regularly of if - like many of that generation - they are digging in their heels and not wanting to go.
Your mother may need a diuretic to get rid her of some of the fluid but only a doctor can decide and prescribe this or any other medication.
I hope that your parents have appointed you (or someone) as POA for their health. At 90+ denial is no longer an option.
We'd love to know how this works out. Please update us when you have a chance.
Carol see more
Your mother may need a diuretic to get rid her of some of the fluid but only a doctor can decide and prescribe this or any other medication.
I hope that your parents have appointed you (or someone) as POA for their health. At 90+ denial is no longer an option.
We'd love to know how this works out. Please update us when you have a chance.
Carol see more
Question
What is the name of the new pill that helps get them back to normal?
As mentioned, solazumab is still in the testing stage to see if it will help people if given before symptoms appear. The drug was tested a... As mentioned, solazumab is still in the testing stage to see if it will help people if given before symptoms appear. The drug was tested a couple of years back - and failed - when it came to helping people who already have symptoms.
We all wish there were a pill to help people with dementia but all that can be done at this time is to provide education for caregivers and sometimes prescribe drugs that many help with the symptoms.
Your mother's doctor is the one to ask. If you don't feel that this doctor communicates well, then it may be time to change. Like all professions, not all doctors will approach a disease the same way, so sometimes changes can be of some benefit.
If you like the doctor, then just be as open as you can so that he or she can give you the best advice possible..
Please update us on how you are doing as you go along.
Carol see more
We all wish there were a pill to help people with dementia but all that can be done at this time is to provide education for caregivers and sometimes prescribe drugs that many help with the symptoms.
Your mother's doctor is the one to ask. If you don't feel that this doctor communicates well, then it may be time to change. Like all professions, not all doctors will approach a disease the same way, so sometimes changes can be of some benefit.
If you like the doctor, then just be as open as you can so that he or she can give you the best advice possible..
Please update us on how you are doing as you go along.
Carol see more
Question
My Dad wants to die but doesn't have a life-threatening diagnosis. How can I determine if Hospice is right for...
Jimineze, thanks for offering your similar experience as a guide for LuckyLinda. It's gratifying to see all of these comments that come... Jimineze, thanks for offering your similar experience as a guide for LuckyLinda. It's gratifying to see all of these comments that come from the heart. We are with you, Lucky Linda. Take care,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
I work for a lady and her early onset Alzheimer's husband and both drink to excess every night. Is she liable?
I seriously doubt that she can be held liable. The POA is there for her to act in his stead if he can't perform certain tasks but he... I seriously doubt that she can be held liable. The POA is there for her to act in his stead if he can't perform certain tasks but he has choices, too. She's not forcing him to drink. Is she enabling him? Yes. However, this is their lifestyle.
If they both drink to excess they may benefit from treatment for alcoholism, although with dementia, the husband may not have the memory or desire to make it work.
You could check with Montana's Attorney General's office but otherwise my personal opinion is that this lifestyle is their choice unhealthy as it is.
Carol see more
If they both drink to excess they may benefit from treatment for alcoholism, although with dementia, the husband may not have the memory or desire to make it work.
You could check with Montana's Attorney General's office but otherwise my personal opinion is that this lifestyle is their choice unhealthy as it is.
Carol see more
Question
My Dad wants to die but doesn't have a life-threatening diagnosis. How can I determine if Hospice is right for...
Your local hospice provider will be able to offer guidance.. With all of your dad's issues, I doubt that he can live long. It's... Your local hospice provider will be able to offer guidance.. With all of your dad's issues, I doubt that he can live long. It's amazing, especially with his diabetes in the mix, that he's made it this far.
If hospice can't provide care, they can likely guide you as far as other local resources go until the time that they can take over. Be aware that hospice can't have someone sitting with your dad 24/7 if he is at home, but they'll be able to offer many additional services.Try contacting them and then updating us. We'd really like to know how you're doing.
Carol see more
If hospice can't provide care, they can likely guide you as far as other local resources go until the time that they can take over. Be aware that hospice can't have someone sitting with your dad 24/7 if he is at home, but they'll be able to offer many additional services.Try contacting them and then updating us. We'd really like to know how you're doing.
Carol see more
Question
How to get a resistant parent with worsening dementia to move to assisted living?
These old questions pop up Coffeemaid but they are still relevant. Your answer still helps others.
Take care,
Carol
Take care,
Carol
What to do when days and nights don't make sense anymore?
Otherwise, you can get daylight bulbs. If you put those around the house and use them when things are dark during the day you may have some luck with your mom. This isn't a magic cure for the sleep/awake problems of AD, but it does help some.
Take care,
Carol see more