Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Is it a common thing for a person to have an abnormal surge of well being before they pass?
Yes, this is very common. Enjoy being with her during what could likely be the last part of her journey. You might want to read this... Yes, this is very common. Enjoy being with her during what could likely be the last part of her journey. You might want to read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/pre-death-rally-185452.htm
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How to deal with a sibling who constantly asks for money from their parent?
Realistically, since it doesn't sound as if your mom has dementia, I'm not certain that there is much you can do to break this... Realistically, since it doesn't sound as if your mom has dementia, I'm not certain that there is much you can do to break this pattern of your mom helping out your sister financially. Al-anon would be a wonderful group for you all to join so that you could learn from peer interaction how to stop enabling your sister, however, it's likely that your mom isn't well enough to go. So, you may not have much choice but to kindly tell your mom that you love your sister and that you know that this pattern isn't good for her. She needs to seek help on her own. Then, leave it at that. Your mom has a right to make her own decisions.
The fact that you've got hired care coming in sounds like a good arrangement. Then you don't have to depend on your sister.
Encouraging your sister to get help would be good, but perhaps you've tried that. Most people won't get help until they decide for themselves that they need it.
Stick by your mom. You may need to accept things as they are for now.
Please keep us posted on how things are going.
Carol see more
The fact that you've got hired care coming in sounds like a good arrangement. Then you don't have to depend on your sister.
Encouraging your sister to get help would be good, but perhaps you've tried that. Most people won't get help until they decide for themselves that they need it.
Stick by your mom. You may need to accept things as they are for now.
Please keep us posted on how things are going.
Carol see more
Question
Question
My very elderly Dad is done living. What can I do?
This is tough for you, I know, and I'm sorry that you have to cope with it. Still, I agree that there may not be a lot you can do.... This is tough for you, I know, and I'm sorry that you have to cope with it.
Still, I agree that there may not be a lot you can do. People often know when their life is done. We need to freely give our love and support, make certain that they have what they need and want, and make sure they aren't in pain. If a doctor can give them a magic pill to help them feel better, fine, but an antidepressant isn't magic and some do more harm than good. They often take experimentation.
You don't say anything about dementia. Regardless, we will all die. There is a time when it's over and I believe that when your elderly loved ones get to that time, and nothing medically can be done, that feeling should be respected. Don't make him feel guilty or force company on him he doesn't want. You can try things but know when to leave him in peace. He may need that time to make his own emotional transition to his passing.
Keep reading for a variety of opinions and take care of yourself. You've done well.
Carol see more
Still, I agree that there may not be a lot you can do. People often know when their life is done. We need to freely give our love and support, make certain that they have what they need and want, and make sure they aren't in pain. If a doctor can give them a magic pill to help them feel better, fine, but an antidepressant isn't magic and some do more harm than good. They often take experimentation.
You don't say anything about dementia. Regardless, we will all die. There is a time when it's over and I believe that when your elderly loved ones get to that time, and nothing medically can be done, that feeling should be respected. Don't make him feel guilty or force company on him he doesn't want. You can try things but know when to leave him in peace. He may need that time to make his own emotional transition to his passing.
Keep reading for a variety of opinions and take care of yourself. You've done well.
Carol see more
Question
Where can I find a medic alert system for my mother who may not be able to push a button to notify someone tha...
I agree with askcheryic about checking the reliability of the company. When you search, look for the type you want. Study contracts. These... I agree with askcheryic about checking the reliability of the company. When you search, look for the type you want. Study contracts.
These alarms have come a long way since they were first developed. Also, there are monitoring systems you can set up around the home.
With a little Internet research you'll find what you want. Start with the words "personal alarm" and do a search. Then try "medical alert." You can try other combinations, as well. Read everything about contracts as well as bells and whistles.
You may want to check out your final candidates with the Better Business Bureau to see if there are any complaints. DO NOT fall for the calls that your mother will receive offering a free alarm. That is a scam. Make sure that you place the call.
Good luck. If you find one you love, please pass on the information for others.
Carol see more
These alarms have come a long way since they were first developed. Also, there are monitoring systems you can set up around the home.
With a little Internet research you'll find what you want. Start with the words "personal alarm" and do a search. Then try "medical alert." You can try other combinations, as well. Read everything about contracts as well as bells and whistles.
You may want to check out your final candidates with the Better Business Bureau to see if there are any complaints. DO NOT fall for the calls that your mother will receive offering a free alarm. That is a scam. Make sure that you place the call.
Good luck. If you find one you love, please pass on the information for others.
Carol see more
Question
Mom takes unnecessary risks and is making me crazy. Any advice?
I agree that if dementia is a factor, that has to be considered. However, even with dementia, people need to feel useful. Supervision is... I agree that if dementia is a factor, that has to be considered. However, even with dementia, people need to feel useful. Supervision is often necessary but allowing them to do some "work" can be good for their emotional health. see more
Question
Mom takes unnecessary risks and is making me crazy. Any advice?
I absolutely understand your frustration and concern. My mom a lot! But we all need a reason to get out of bed. Your mom likely needs to... I absolutely understand your frustration and concern. My mom a lot! But we all need a reason to get out of bed. Your mom likely needs to feel useful.
I firmly believe that we,. as caregivers, can take away an awful lot with our need to protect. I found that out with my dad, too. There were some risks in giving him more physical freedom but there were greater (in my mind) risks in forcing him into doing nothing so he didn't get hurt.
Gardenartist listed some excellent possibilities as far as physically supporting your mom while she does things. You might want to check with a physical therapist, as well. Your doctor or a social worker can help you find someone who might have more suggestions.Consider your mom's losses and the reasons why she doesn't want to just sit. Then try to find methods that satisfy both of you.
Take care,
Carol see more
I firmly believe that we,. as caregivers, can take away an awful lot with our need to protect. I found that out with my dad, too. There were some risks in giving him more physical freedom but there were greater (in my mind) risks in forcing him into doing nothing so he didn't get hurt.
Gardenartist listed some excellent possibilities as far as physically supporting your mom while she does things. You might want to check with a physical therapist, as well. Your doctor or a social worker can help you find someone who might have more suggestions.Consider your mom's losses and the reasons why she doesn't want to just sit. Then try to find methods that satisfy both of you.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
When do you know it's time to place them in a nursing home?
I agree with the majority of people here in that your mother needs more supervision than one person can give. When the safety of the person... I agree with the majority of people here in that your mother needs more supervision than one person can give. When the safety of the person with dementia or the safety of the caregiver becomes an issue it's time for outside help.
A memory care unit sounds like a good start unless she has physical issues that require a nursing home.
Please consider this option before a fire ends life for both of you. We'd love to hear an update from you when you can get back to us.
Take care,
Carol see more
A memory care unit sounds like a good start unless she has physical issues that require a nursing home.
Please consider this option before a fire ends life for both of you. We'd love to hear an update from you when you can get back to us.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How can I control my sanity when everything my elderly mother does is getting under my skin?
Taking breaks is understandable and often best for both of you. Every night and weekends is a lot of your life. Try going to every other... Taking breaks is understandable and often best for both of you. Every night and weekends is a lot of your life. Try going to every other night and maybe Saturday or Sunday or make weekend days shorter. The stress of trying to keep this up isn't good for either of you.
Take care of yourself! This is vital.
Please update us. We do understand what you are going through.
Carol see more
Take care of yourself! This is vital.
Please update us. We do understand what you are going through.
Carol see more
Question
My Mother (84) fell recently and It's becoming a frequent occurrence. Any advice?
Wonderful answers here - many different viewpoints, each with validity from the information that we have. I agree that it's easy to... Wonderful answers here - many different viewpoints, each with validity from the information that we have.
I agree that it's easy to point fingers when you aren't on the scene, but I also understand that it's hard for someone away from the situation if they worry about possible mistreatment of the loved one. Facts are hard to come by because of different viewpoints.
You may have to just step back, contact your mom when you can, and if you have actual proof of mistreatment - financial or physical/emotional - then call adult protective services and let the system do what it does.
None of this is easy for anyone. Counseling may help you handle it better and decide whether or not you should take action.
Please update us when you can.
Carol see more
I agree that it's easy to point fingers when you aren't on the scene, but I also understand that it's hard for someone away from the situation if they worry about possible mistreatment of the loved one. Facts are hard to come by because of different viewpoints.
You may have to just step back, contact your mom when you can, and if you have actual proof of mistreatment - financial or physical/emotional - then call adult protective services and let the system do what it does.
None of this is easy for anyone. Counseling may help you handle it better and decide whether or not you should take action.
Please update us when you can.
Carol see more
Question
Can my Mother legally go get her sister who is disabled?
Unless there is a legal document stating otherwise, I would think the children come first when it comes to legal rights. You could check... Unless there is a legal document stating otherwise, I would think the children come first when it comes to legal rights. You could check with the state laws where the sister lives, but if the kids fight it she may not be able to do this.
Are the kids fighting the right to keep their mother? They may welcome a break. Please update us. We could use more information and we'd like to know how you all are doing.
Carol see more
Are the kids fighting the right to keep their mother? They may welcome a break. Please update us. We could use more information and we'd like to know how you all are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Can Social Services in FL put my Mom in a nursing home when I have all the documents for DPOA, etc?
Thank you, gladimhere, for this wonderful comment. This is so helpful to anyone going through such a horrible experience. You've been... Thank you, gladimhere, for this wonderful comment. This is so helpful to anyone going through such a horrible experience. You've been there so your voice has the most authority. Blessings,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Can Social Services in FL put my Mom in a nursing home when I have all the documents for DPOA, etc?
Jeannegibbs is right. Social Services did their job. They have to, if there is a complaint, because what they were getting at in asking you... Jeannegibbs is right. Social Services did their job. They have to, if there is a complaint, because what they were getting at in asking you questions happens more frequently than we like to think.
It sounds to me that you will be fine. They may want to follow up with you. Just be polite and show that you have nothing to hide.
It's terribly sad when a family members lie to SS - but again more common than we'd like to think. The fact that your brother hasn't seen your parents in all of these years should hold some weight, In the end, I doubt that you have anything to worry about.
Unless you've been told that you can't take your mom home, I see no reason why you can't.
Please update us when you can. We'd like to know how you are doing.
Carol see more
It sounds to me that you will be fine. They may want to follow up with you. Just be polite and show that you have nothing to hide.
It's terribly sad when a family members lie to SS - but again more common than we'd like to think. The fact that your brother hasn't seen your parents in all of these years should hold some weight, In the end, I doubt that you have anything to worry about.
Unless you've been told that you can't take your mom home, I see no reason why you can't.
Please update us when you can. We'd like to know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Mom has dementia, and will not go to be tested for treatment. What to do?
Often the only way to get someone to go the the doctor is to think up a reason for a checkup or renewal of medications. The suggestion of... Often the only way to get someone to go the the doctor is to think up a reason for a checkup or renewal of medications. The suggestion of going in because of "a suspicious mole" on her back is genius! Write the doctor ahead and tell him or her the real reason that you are there. Often people will take direction from a doctor when they won't listen to the family. Just staying away from the idea of a mental evaluation until you are sitting with the doctor may help.
Read the whole thread as there are some other excellent suggestions.
Please update us when you can.
Carol see more
Read the whole thread as there are some other excellent suggestions.
Please update us when you can.
Carol see more
Question
How do people on here deal with anger?
It seems to me that you are trying to handle too much. I think it's time for Grandma to be cared for by other people so that your mom... It seems to me that you are trying to handle too much. I think it's time for Grandma to be cared for by other people so that your mom can concentrate on her recovery. You need a break from caregiving, as well. Whether that means going back to work and hiring care for your mom or you staying around as your mom's caregiver, only your can figure out. But you can't do it all.
Anyone would feel angry, frustrated and emotionally depleted with all that you are doing. Making changes is hard but it's often the only way.
I agree with the comment about the sleep therapy. It's been tried. It didn't work. Melatonin works for some people so that's definitely worth a try, but the doctor needs to take another look at Grandma's sleep issues. With assisted living (maybe a memory center if needed) your grandma would have around the clock people available and this sleep issue would be addressed. Also, you wouldn't be the "bad guy" when you are just trying to help.
I hope that you work on changing this situation before you, too, become ill.
Please keep us updated.
Carol see more
Anyone would feel angry, frustrated and emotionally depleted with all that you are doing. Making changes is hard but it's often the only way.
I agree with the comment about the sleep therapy. It's been tried. It didn't work. Melatonin works for some people so that's definitely worth a try, but the doctor needs to take another look at Grandma's sleep issues. With assisted living (maybe a memory center if needed) your grandma would have around the clock people available and this sleep issue would be addressed. Also, you wouldn't be the "bad guy" when you are just trying to help.
I hope that you work on changing this situation before you, too, become ill.
Please keep us updated.
Carol see more
Question
How much money can the sibling with POA take to care for a parent?
If the needs of the parents are being met and the POA can prove (should your parent/parents need Medicaid in the future) that the money is... If the needs of the parents are being met and the POA can prove (should your parent/parents need Medicaid in the future) that the money is used for the parents care that's likely all that is necessary.
It's often hard to know from afar how much money it takes for the parents' care. If you think that your sibling is mismanaging your parents' money, you could see an elder law attorney, but you are risking a fractured family so you should be very certain that there are grounds for this drastic move and that it's worth it to you. Otherwise, you can assume that your sibling is doing his or her best and concentrate on relationships.
I hope that this works out for all of you.
Carol see more
It's often hard to know from afar how much money it takes for the parents' care. If you think that your sibling is mismanaging your parents' money, you could see an elder law attorney, but you are risking a fractured family so you should be very certain that there are grounds for this drastic move and that it's worth it to you. Otherwise, you can assume that your sibling is doing his or her best and concentrate on relationships.
I hope that this works out for all of you.
Carol see more
Question
How can I make sure my sister is not taking funds or selling things of my elderly Mother?
I'm sorry about this tough situation. It seems that you have two choices. One is to accept things as they are and try to visit as often... I'm sorry about this tough situation. It seems that you have two choices. One is to accept things as they are and try to visit as often as you can so that you can have some relationship with your mom and your sister. That means letting the money aspects go.
The other is to seek the help of an elder law attorney. This could help you keep track of the financial issues (if any laws are being violated) but could also completely destroy any relationship that you have with your sister and mother.
I understand that you feel left out and that you don't trust your sister - possibly for good reason. The problem is what to do about it. In the end it's your choice. Both of my ideas have been mentioned here by others here. Perhaps, if you keep reading this thread, you'll see other advice.
Whatever happens, I hope that you'll continue to update us so that you can receive some support and understanding.
Carol see more
The other is to seek the help of an elder law attorney. This could help you keep track of the financial issues (if any laws are being violated) but could also completely destroy any relationship that you have with your sister and mother.
I understand that you feel left out and that you don't trust your sister - possibly for good reason. The problem is what to do about it. In the end it's your choice. Both of my ideas have been mentioned here by others here. Perhaps, if you keep reading this thread, you'll see other advice.
Whatever happens, I hope that you'll continue to update us so that you can receive some support and understanding.
Carol see more
Question
My Father (78) has Alzheimer's and has severe delusions, our Mom is in fear of her life. Any advice?
If he likes jam on his toast, jam is a good way to cover the taste of crushed medications. However, I agree that he is not safe at home,... If he likes jam on his toast, jam is a good way to cover the taste of crushed medications. However, I agree that he is not safe at home, nor are you safe with him.
Adult Protective Services needs to know about this risk It's possible that they can bump him up higher on a list for a care home. Please update us on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Adult Protective Services needs to know about this risk It's possible that they can bump him up higher on a list for a care home. Please update us on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Wife undergoing treatment for metastatic breast cancer, undergoing chemo has left her weak. Should she do pall...
Palliative care, for the most part, is for someone close to death although they still use chemotherapy and other treatments. As was... Palliative care, for the most part, is for someone close to death although they still use chemotherapy and other treatments. As was mentioned, they are more focused on pain control.
You need someone to help your wife while she regains strength, which is a different need. I agree about seeking a script from the doctor for some in-home care.
I also agree that it may not hurt to seek out a naturopath or other person trained in building up the body through nutrition. In a case like hers, supplements (the right type - often liquid so that they are more easily absorbed - often work wonders). Once her appetite returns, try to encourage a healthy diet.
Please update us on how you both are doing.
Carol see more
You need someone to help your wife while she regains strength, which is a different need. I agree about seeking a script from the doctor for some in-home care.
I also agree that it may not hurt to seek out a naturopath or other person trained in building up the body through nutrition. In a case like hers, supplements (the right type - often liquid so that they are more easily absorbed - often work wonders). Once her appetite returns, try to encourage a healthy diet.
Please update us on how you both are doing.
Carol see more
Can I be held legally responsible for damages to my Mother's house or injuries that may happen to my Mother in...
If not, in-home care agencies offer varying hours. I'd start with having someone come a few hours a day while you are there before you take your trip. Then take your break and keep the help if you/she can afford it. You shouldn't be on duty 24/7 for years at a time.
Good luck,
Carol see more