Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How has caregiving changed your views of life and aging?
My belief that longer isn't necessarily better has strengthened. Living long and well - wonderful. Living long and suffering - not so... My belief that longer isn't necessarily better has strengthened. Living long and well - wonderful. Living long and suffering - not so wonderful. My loved ones know my feelings well and I also have put them in writing.
We often don't have any choices when it comes to how or when we die, but we need to make our end-of-life wishes known to that if there is a turning point, our lives go in the direction that we would have wished.
Take care, my friends,
You are an amazing group of people.
Carol see more
We often don't have any choices when it comes to how or when we die, but we need to make our end-of-life wishes known to that if there is a turning point, our lives go in the direction that we would have wished.
Take care, my friends,
You are an amazing group of people.
Carol see more
Question
How do I keep from depression and burnout?
Kelly, taking care of your own child is vitally important here. If the elders were able to think well, they would want you to put your... Kelly, taking care of your own child is vitally important here. If the elders were able to think well, they would want you to put your energy into your education and taking care of your son.
The answers for burnout are as unique as the individuals who suffer from it. Generally, however, it means that the caregiver has to find some kind of help with the elders.
As was mentioned, this category
www.agingcare.com/Caregiver-Burnout/Questions-1
will bring you to many opinions from different community members. You'll find valuable help there.Please update us on how your are doing,
Carol see more
The answers for burnout are as unique as the individuals who suffer from it. Generally, however, it means that the caregiver has to find some kind of help with the elders.
As was mentioned, this category
www.agingcare.com/Caregiver-Burnout/Questions-1
will bring you to many opinions from different community members. You'll find valuable help there.Please update us on how your are doing,
Carol see more
Question
My Mom (81) needs some assistance but I have no idea how to start the process. Any advice?
The most broad answer now for finding local care is to go to the new site aging.gov. From there you find your state and this will lead you... The most broad answer now for finding local care is to go to the new site aging.gov. From there you find your state and this will lead you to a list of local resources.
As was mentioned, every state is different with Medicaid. If your mom qualifies for Medicaid, depending on the state she will qualify for different services. In some states, this includes some in-home services and in some states it helps pay for assisted living. Other states allow very little. Medicaid is assistance for the poor so until such a time that her money is nearly gone, she'd have to pay out of pocket.
If your mom has few assets (I, too, am in the dark about the initials you used), you may want to start the process of applying for Medicaid now. Use the links for your state that you'll find under aging.gov. These links will include your Department of Aging Services as well as other resources.
Good luck with your search. Please update us. As was mentioned, if you provide more information the community can provide more advice.
Carol see more
As was mentioned, every state is different with Medicaid. If your mom qualifies for Medicaid, depending on the state she will qualify for different services. In some states, this includes some in-home services and in some states it helps pay for assisted living. Other states allow very little. Medicaid is assistance for the poor so until such a time that her money is nearly gone, she'd have to pay out of pocket.
If your mom has few assets (I, too, am in the dark about the initials you used), you may want to start the process of applying for Medicaid now. Use the links for your state that you'll find under aging.gov. These links will include your Department of Aging Services as well as other resources.
Good luck with your search. Please update us. As was mentioned, if you provide more information the community can provide more advice.
Carol see more
Question
How do I find a service that will drive my Mom to her swimming class twice a week, doesn't cost $25/hr and no...
Your local Area Agency on Aging or even senior commission should be able to help. Many areas have a senior van for people who don't... Your local Area Agency on Aging or even senior commission should be able to help. Many areas have a senior van for people who don't need help and a paratransit bus for those in wheel chairs. These aren't generally free but hey wouldn't have a required amount of travel.
Try looking into your community resources by going to aging.gov and then finding your state. From their you'll find the links to resources.
I hope that you find something,
Carol see more
Try looking into your community resources by going to aging.gov and then finding your state. From their you'll find the links to resources.
I hope that you find something,
Carol see more
Question
How to get paid caring for an elderly Mother?
Here we get back to the fact that we all have different lives. People who don't have a spouse who brings in some income are left with... Here we get back to the fact that we all have different lives.
People who don't have a spouse who brings in some income are left with finding a way to quit their job and still survive financially or else hire someone else to care for the parent. There should be no guilt in accepting payment for providing care if the family can afford it and it saves the parent from having to hire a stranger.
Likely no payment will compensate for the lost wages in full such as lost Social Security and subsidized payments for group policies as Freqflyer said. But some payment can help make it possible for an adult child to quit a job and help the parent rather than hire other care providers if that’s the preferred choice all around.
However, this should be done with the knowledge of the family and with some legal advice so that if the parents ever need to go on Medicaid there are no questions about the legality of the pay.
Most people would gladly provide the care for free and most do a lot of that, anyway, but if a job is lost the money to live must come from somewhere. Often people will combine families to make it work. Others can do shifts so that no family member must give up his or her job. Some work up a contract with the parent. Others find a way to provide the care and still pay their rent.
Whatever needs to be done is okay as long as it's open and above board.
Take care,
Carol see more
People who don't have a spouse who brings in some income are left with finding a way to quit their job and still survive financially or else hire someone else to care for the parent. There should be no guilt in accepting payment for providing care if the family can afford it and it saves the parent from having to hire a stranger.
Likely no payment will compensate for the lost wages in full such as lost Social Security and subsidized payments for group policies as Freqflyer said. But some payment can help make it possible for an adult child to quit a job and help the parent rather than hire other care providers if that’s the preferred choice all around.
However, this should be done with the knowledge of the family and with some legal advice so that if the parents ever need to go on Medicaid there are no questions about the legality of the pay.
Most people would gladly provide the care for free and most do a lot of that, anyway, but if a job is lost the money to live must come from somewhere. Often people will combine families to make it work. Others can do shifts so that no family member must give up his or her job. Some work up a contract with the parent. Others find a way to provide the care and still pay their rent.
Whatever needs to be done is okay as long as it's open and above board.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Dating while caring for elderly parent, is it possible?
That's true, Freqflyer. Sometimes it's easier to fight these battles alone - at least when the other person living with you is... That's true, Freqflyer. Sometimes it's easier to fight these battles alone - at least when the other person living with you is fighting everything you think is right.
Life has few easy answers for many people. It's lonely to carry the problems alone but it's terribly hard to have to defend your stance all of the time.
Take care everyone - great to see the support you all have for each other.
Carol see more
Life has few easy answers for many people. It's lonely to carry the problems alone but it's terribly hard to have to defend your stance all of the time.
Take care everyone - great to see the support you all have for each other.
Carol see more
Question
Dating while caring for elderly parent, is it possible?
It's not easy to have a personal life and be a caregiver. Some potential dates will understand that you can't be as flexible as... It's not easy to have a personal life and be a caregiver. Some potential dates will understand that you can't be as flexible as someone without these ties, but many good people will. Here's an article that discusses the topic:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregivers-and-dating-relationships-142878.htm
Good luck,
Carol see more
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregivers-and-dating-relationships-142878.htm
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
What point does a person with Alzheimer's stop recognizing others?
As the saying goes, "if you've met one person with Alzheimer's you've met one person with Alzheimer's." While... As the saying goes, "if you've met one person with Alzheimer's you've met one person with Alzheimer's." While knowing stages can be helpful everyone is different. It's fairly safe to say that the later in the process the person is the fewer people they will remember. However, when that happens varies. In the last stage, however, they will likely not remember anyone except, on occasion, in a rare moment of clarity. Even those moments of clarity don't happen to everyone.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Should nursing homes give high doses of sleeping pills and tranquilizers to dementia patients, so they will st...
If the nursing home is giving sedatives in the manner suggested they must be reported. I like the idea of having the drink tested but... If the nursing home is giving sedatives in the manner suggested they must be reported. I like the idea of having the drink tested but that's not always easy for a private citizen. You could report this to your ombudsman or even the county. This is the kind of thing you read about in a detective story but don't believe could really happen. It it is happening, it has to be stopped. All medications should be prescribed by the person's physician as noted by Carespeaker1.
Please keep us updated.
Carol see more
Please keep us updated.
Carol see more
Question
What's the best way to help with grieving?
Wonderful advice from the whole community. Your presence, your touch, your understanding and love are all that you can provide. If she... Wonderful advice from the whole community.
Your presence, your touch, your understanding and love are all that you can provide. If she wants to talk, share stories about happy memories.
This is a terrible blow to your mother.The early stages of dementia may make it even worse as she may forget he's gone and she's most likely too aware at this stage for you to redirect.
My mother went through this and it was heartbreaking for us all. It took a long time for her to finally absorb that Dad had died. My heart goes out to you as well as your mom because you are grieving your dad's death and your mom's pain.
Please keep in touch so that we can offer what support we can.
Carol see more
Your presence, your touch, your understanding and love are all that you can provide. If she wants to talk, share stories about happy memories.
This is a terrible blow to your mother.The early stages of dementia may make it even worse as she may forget he's gone and she's most likely too aware at this stage for you to redirect.
My mother went through this and it was heartbreaking for us all. It took a long time for her to finally absorb that Dad had died. My heart goes out to you as well as your mom because you are grieving your dad's death and your mom's pain.
Please keep in touch so that we can offer what support we can.
Carol see more
Question
Does my grandmother's POA have the right to refuse Hospice if she is still able to vocalize her own wishes?
It's possible that the POA doesn't understand hospice so perhaps the doctor could have at talk with him? Doctors can't force... It's possible that the POA doesn't understand hospice so perhaps the doctor could have at talk with him? Doctors can't force hospice care but most know when the time is right. Hospice give the person who is already starting on the death journey a way to die with dignity and without pain. Hospice is a type of care that is offered to people in their own home home, a nursing home care or in some cases hospice care home. I would think that your grandmother's wishes should be respected by all of the care people including the POA. We wish you well. Please update us on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Do you lose the pain you had before dementia?
The brain is a big part of the perception of pain. That's one reason we have to watch for body language that may indicate pain that... The brain is a big part of the perception of pain. That's one reason we have to watch for body language that may indicate pain that they can't articulate. We don't want to make the mistake of thinking that they have no pain just because they don't say that they do.
Arthritis pain can come and go and even certain movements or sitting in certain ways can make it better or worse (in some cases). I'd watch for limping or other signs of knee pain but for now she is either not perceiving the pain or she is having a bit of a remission. Just stay alert.
Great answers from the community as always!
Carol see more
Arthritis pain can come and go and even certain movements or sitting in certain ways can make it better or worse (in some cases). I'd watch for limping or other signs of knee pain but for now she is either not perceiving the pain or she is having a bit of a remission. Just stay alert.
Great answers from the community as always!
Carol see more
Question
How do you know when its time to step back from being a caregiver?
You've done more than enough. Sacrificing your marriage will devastate you and your husband and this still would not help your mom. ... You've done more than enough. Sacrificing your marriage will devastate you and your husband and this still would not help your mom.
Tell her you don't care about inheritance - the money is for her care. She can pay an in-home agency or move to assisted living. Let her know that you'll help her with the change but that you won't sacrifice your life anymore than you already have.
She's guilt tripping you and that's control. The only person who can stop this is you. Please seek counseling if you can't do this alone. Counseling isn't a sign of weakness - it's a sign of strength.
Keep us updated if you can. We're with you.
Carol see more
Tell her you don't care about inheritance - the money is for her care. She can pay an in-home agency or move to assisted living. Let her know that you'll help her with the change but that you won't sacrifice your life anymore than you already have.
She's guilt tripping you and that's control. The only person who can stop this is you. Please seek counseling if you can't do this alone. Counseling isn't a sign of weakness - it's a sign of strength.
Keep us updated if you can. We're with you.
Carol see more
Question
My Dad is talking to himself. Any advice?
I agree with Nancy. While grief therapy can be very helpful many older people refuse to take part in it. Talking with a life partner who... I agree with Nancy. While grief therapy can be very helpful many older people refuse to take part in it. Talking with a life partner who has died is not all that unusual, especially when the marriage was a long one and the person left alive is elderly.
A visit to the doctor is a good idea as depression is likely a part of this, but be aware that medication for depression is tricky and can be even more so with the elderly.
You may want to tell your dad that you'd appreciate it if he would get his physical it's been awhile. Don't mention the fact that he seems to be having conversations with himself or your mom. Once an appointment has been made, write the doctor a note letting him or her know about this issue. The doctor can feel out your dad to see if there seems to be a need for intervention or if he should be left alone with his own method of "therapy."
Please update us. My heart is aching for your dad and for you.
Carol see more
A visit to the doctor is a good idea as depression is likely a part of this, but be aware that medication for depression is tricky and can be even more so with the elderly.
You may want to tell your dad that you'd appreciate it if he would get his physical it's been awhile. Don't mention the fact that he seems to be having conversations with himself or your mom. Once an appointment has been made, write the doctor a note letting him or her know about this issue. The doctor can feel out your dad to see if there seems to be a need for intervention or if he should be left alone with his own method of "therapy."
Please update us. My heart is aching for your dad and for you.
Carol see more
Question
How to live in the moment?
It's human to worry, Hadnuff, but you're also wise enough to see that worry is keeping you from enjoying the quiet times. ... It's human to worry, Hadnuff, but you're also wise enough to see that worry is keeping you from enjoying the quiet times.
Meditation can help us live in the moment. Meditation can mean something as formal as guided meditation (you can get CDs or find methods online) or it can mean prayer. It can mean sitting quietly in a calm place and practicing just "being” while you breathe slowly, concentrating on your body’s relaxed response.
Reading something that you enjoy can also be a form of meditation in that it takes you out of your tumbled mindset and into another world, if just temporarily.
A long bath with fragrant soap, a warm (or cool) drink, soothing music, anything that soothes you can help you live in the moment. Just believing that you deserve this time of not worrying can help.
We've all faced a lot of emergencies so it's hard to let go of that always being on call feeling. Unless you're more skilled than most of us, you likely won't completely feel free of stress. However, as I've heard people say - we are human beings not human doings. We don't have to be accomplishing something every minute. We deserve some quiet time. Time to be. Try to detach emotionally from the feeling that the world will end if you aren’t in charge of things at all times.
Few of us find it easy to live in the moment. We are either ruminating over the past or planning our next move. But that’s how life passes us by.
I hope that you can take a deep breathe and work on knowing that you deserve this bit of quiet time with no drama. Then do whatever sounds soothing – or make up your own fun. We behind you all the way.
Carol see more
Meditation can help us live in the moment. Meditation can mean something as formal as guided meditation (you can get CDs or find methods online) or it can mean prayer. It can mean sitting quietly in a calm place and practicing just "being” while you breathe slowly, concentrating on your body’s relaxed response.
Reading something that you enjoy can also be a form of meditation in that it takes you out of your tumbled mindset and into another world, if just temporarily.
A long bath with fragrant soap, a warm (or cool) drink, soothing music, anything that soothes you can help you live in the moment. Just believing that you deserve this time of not worrying can help.
We've all faced a lot of emergencies so it's hard to let go of that always being on call feeling. Unless you're more skilled than most of us, you likely won't completely feel free of stress. However, as I've heard people say - we are human beings not human doings. We don't have to be accomplishing something every minute. We deserve some quiet time. Time to be. Try to detach emotionally from the feeling that the world will end if you aren’t in charge of things at all times.
Few of us find it easy to live in the moment. We are either ruminating over the past or planning our next move. But that’s how life passes us by.
I hope that you can take a deep breathe and work on knowing that you deserve this bit of quiet time with no drama. Then do whatever sounds soothing – or make up your own fun. We behind you all the way.
Carol see more
Question
Is there a Sunriser's Syndrome?
When people get up in the morning, becoming oriented after a deep sleep can take a bit of time. It seems to make sense that someone with... When people get up in the morning, becoming oriented after a deep sleep can take a bit of time. It seems to make sense that someone with dementia may wake up still "dreaming" and have a more difficult time re-orienting to the day world than an average person.
My dad had days where we knew immediately it was not going to be a good day. Whether it was something that changed while sleeping or a carry over from the dream state it was hard to tell. Anyway, this sounds like one more challenge. Sometimes putting a label on things helps and sunrisers is as good as any!
Keep telling your stories my friends, It helps us to unload and it helps others to know that they aren't alone. Sometimes solutions come through as well.
Carol see more
My dad had days where we knew immediately it was not going to be a good day. Whether it was something that changed while sleeping or a carry over from the dream state it was hard to tell. Anyway, this sounds like one more challenge. Sometimes putting a label on things helps and sunrisers is as good as any!
Keep telling your stories my friends, It helps us to unload and it helps others to know that they aren't alone. Sometimes solutions come through as well.
Carol see more
Question
Alzheimer's husband talking about sex all the time. Any advice?
The suggestion of an antidepressant makes sense since the drugs tend to diminish sex drive. Naturally, they also have many other side... The suggestion of an antidepressant makes sense since the drugs tend to diminish sex drive. Naturally, they also have many other side effects so a doctor would have to monitor this carefully, but it's a thought.
I've also heard - no good source to back this up - that some men get obsessive about sex on too high a dose of Aricept. This is likely unique to the man, however.
Talking to the doctor is a must but so is understanding that this type of talk seems to be "normal" when inhibitions disappear and people are left with their basic drives.
Keep up the conversation. Women, particularly, need advice here but men, too have issues with it. They don't always feel comfortable having sex with a woman who really can't consent even though she seems to welcome it. It's a very difficult issue that professionals still struggle with.
Take care all,
Carol see more
I've also heard - no good source to back this up - that some men get obsessive about sex on too high a dose of Aricept. This is likely unique to the man, however.
Talking to the doctor is a must but so is understanding that this type of talk seems to be "normal" when inhibitions disappear and people are left with their basic drives.
Keep up the conversation. Women, particularly, need advice here but men, too have issues with it. They don't always feel comfortable having sex with a woman who really can't consent even though she seems to welcome it. It's a very difficult issue that professionals still struggle with.
Take care all,
Carol see more
Question
How do I tell my Mom that I'm taking her to a nursing home without her freaking out?
Sometimes you simply have allow them to "freak out.": There's an adjustment time for nearly everyone. Many people learn to... Sometimes you simply have allow them to "freak out.": There's an adjustment time for nearly everyone. Many people learn to love their new home since they have company and activities. Some never do.
Often abandonment is the biggest fear. Just carry on and do your best to reassure her that you want her safety above all else and that you are not abandoning her.
Make her new home as personal as possible and then try to detach emotionally from her upsets. Try to remain cheerful but firm.
Some communities have much better facilities than others but even within communities there are differences. If you have choices investigate thoroughly before making the change.
Please update us when you can,
Carol see more
Often abandonment is the biggest fear. Just carry on and do your best to reassure her that you want her safety above all else and that you are not abandoning her.
Make her new home as personal as possible and then try to detach emotionally from her upsets. Try to remain cheerful but firm.
Some communities have much better facilities than others but even within communities there are differences. If you have choices investigate thoroughly before making the change.
Please update us when you can,
Carol see more
Question
Why are some in the health care system so callous?
Sadly, it's different in different states. Some states have amazing senior care (Minnesota is one). Others are horrible (too many to... Sadly, it's different in different states. Some states have amazing senior care (Minnesota is one). Others are horrible (too many to mention). Most are in-between.
A call to your Area Agency on Aging may help. Also, the new federal site aging.gov leads you directly to your state services. Get busy with those local links and see if you can find help.
I agree that these people aren't trying to be difficult. They have to follow the rules to remain legal.
We'd love to hear from you about how this goes.
Carol see more
A call to your Area Agency on Aging may help. Also, the new federal site aging.gov leads you directly to your state services. Get busy with those local links and see if you can find help.
I agree that these people aren't trying to be difficult. They have to follow the rules to remain legal.
We'd love to hear from you about how this goes.
Carol see more
Diagnosed as 'fine' - why am I still concerned?
This man has done what many do - he's fooled the doctor or found a doctor who doesn't want to be put on the spot. Likely a combination of both. However, from everything you say, he has either major depression or dementia. Which one it is doesn't matter right now. He needs help. If his kids don't step in within a week after notification, call APS. Give them a list like you gave us and tell them of your concern. Then you've done what you can.
You're a wonderful person to be so concerned. Even if this was a relative of yours or a parent you'd be having trouble getting him help he doesn't think he wants. That's what APS is for.
Take care,
Carol see more