Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
My Mother keeps pretending to be sicker than she is. Any suggestions?
Nia, most of us will encourage you to move out and I'm glad that you are getting counseling. As was mentioned, if you still feel... Nia, most of us will encourage you to move out and I'm glad that you are getting counseling. As was mentioned, if you still feel suicidal, you need immediate help but it does sound like you've moved more into chronic depression. Ask your counselor if you should see an MD for possible medication. In fact, a complete checkup is a good idea. Caregivers tend to let those things go.
I loved Jude's wise (as always) answer. Her idea that you change days for the caregiver to take off is terrific. If possible, vary the day so that your mother is kept off guard. That is counter to what I'd normally suggest but your case does sound like one of manipulation.
You mother needs to move into an assisted living facility or have a caregiver move in with her. Your siblings won't help and you've done this too long on your own. There's no need for guilt. She's supposed to predecease you. That's natural.
Line up care or, if need be, turn her over the adult protective services so they can force something through. Then move on with your own life. You can visit as you feel that you are able, but you can't let your mother end your life which could happen without change.
Please read this whole thread. There's a lot of wisdom here.
Carol see more
I loved Jude's wise (as always) answer. Her idea that you change days for the caregiver to take off is terrific. If possible, vary the day so that your mother is kept off guard. That is counter to what I'd normally suggest but your case does sound like one of manipulation.
You mother needs to move into an assisted living facility or have a caregiver move in with her. Your siblings won't help and you've done this too long on your own. There's no need for guilt. She's supposed to predecease you. That's natural.
Line up care or, if need be, turn her over the adult protective services so they can force something through. Then move on with your own life. You can visit as you feel that you are able, but you can't let your mother end your life which could happen without change.
Please read this whole thread. There's a lot of wisdom here.
Carol see more
Question
How does the doctor know it's Alzheimer's and not dementia?
Dementia is an umbrella term covering Alzheimer's, vascular dementia, Lewy body dementia, frontotemporal and others. All are cognitive... Dementia is an umbrella term covering Alzheimer's, vascular dementia, Lewy body dementia, frontotemporal and others. All are cognitive disorders that usually have symptoms that, through office tests and often brain scans, a neurologist can diagnose. New tests for the future will include blood tests and saliva tests. A spinal fluid test is sometimes available but I'm not sure that it's covered by any insurance at this time.
There are many misdiagnoses. Additionally, people can have more than one type of dementia. People with Parkinson's often develop dementia. People with vascular dementia may also have Alzheimer's.
So, yes, it's complicated. Even the best doctor can be wrong. However, diagnosis is getting better. The problem is that there is, at this time, no treatment for most types of dementia. There are drugs that can be used for Alzheimer's that may - and the key word is may - slow symptoms for a time in some people.
The Alzheimer's Association does a good job of explaining symptoms but in the end working with a good neurologist will likely give you the best answer.
Take care,
Caro see more
There are many misdiagnoses. Additionally, people can have more than one type of dementia. People with Parkinson's often develop dementia. People with vascular dementia may also have Alzheimer's.
So, yes, it's complicated. Even the best doctor can be wrong. However, diagnosis is getting better. The problem is that there is, at this time, no treatment for most types of dementia. There are drugs that can be used for Alzheimer's that may - and the key word is may - slow symptoms for a time in some people.
The Alzheimer's Association does a good job of explaining symptoms but in the end working with a good neurologist will likely give you the best answer.
Take care,
Caro see more
Question
Relationships with abusive parents and the full circle. How to cope?
Melody Beattie's books have helped millions - for a reason. As mentioned, great insights into the workings of handling difficult... Melody Beattie's books have helped millions - for a reason. As mentioned, great insights into the workings of handling difficult relationships. see more
Question
Relationships with abusive parents and the full circle. How to cope?
Al-anon for you. If the parent has been actively treating the alcoholism with AA or another program, there shouldn't be this... Al-anon for you. If the parent has been actively treating the alcoholism with AA or another program, there shouldn't be this manipulation. If the person just stopped drinking but isn't treating the underlying problem, the disease isn't treated. Either way, I'd suggest that you attend Al-anon. Stay on the counselor's list, too, but Al-anon will help you set boundaries and detach so that you don't let yourself fall for the manipulation.
Take care of yourself first!
Carol see more
Take care of yourself first!
Carol see more
Question
My Mom has been taking cough drops for years, does anyone know if this is bad for you?
I agree with the honey suggestion - singers have used it for eons. If she enjoys the act of sucking on the cough drop there are sugar free,... I agree with the honey suggestion - singers have used it for eons. If she enjoys the act of sucking on the cough drop there are sugar free, good tasting ones like honey and lemon from health food stores.
She may just feel more like she's taking medicine if she takes Vicks (therefore "doing something" and it's probably not all that bad, but having her throat checked to make certain there isn't a medical problem wouldn't be a bad move.
More likely, it's allergies or just dry air or even simply habit. But having a doctor check her out won't hurt. Just be prepared for the fact that if it's something serious, there may not be much that can be done anyway without making her life worse. At any rate, I'd discuss this with her doctor so that you feel more at ease.
We'd love an update on this to see how you both are doing.
Carol see more
She may just feel more like she's taking medicine if she takes Vicks (therefore "doing something" and it's probably not all that bad, but having her throat checked to make certain there isn't a medical problem wouldn't be a bad move.
More likely, it's allergies or just dry air or even simply habit. But having a doctor check her out won't hurt. Just be prepared for the fact that if it's something serious, there may not be much that can be done anyway without making her life worse. At any rate, I'd discuss this with her doctor so that you feel more at ease.
We'd love an update on this to see how you both are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Mother is wearing me down with criticism and negativity. Any advice?
Wonderful advice here. It's not about you having shortcomings and thankfully you know that. Understandably this is wearing you down.... Wonderful advice here. It's not about you having shortcomings and thankfully you know that. Understandably this is wearing you down. But depression is an ugly beast and as was noted, antidepressants don't work for a lot of people and can be negative for many. Your mother has been through the loss of her life partner and her pain likely makes her feel helpless and hopeless. She only recover from either. The only control she has is to complain.
You need to set boundaries for yourself about how much you'll be exposed to this. But Bob, the ever wise Jeannegibbs and all of the others had it right. "Agreeing" with her, just being kind but not responding to her negativity - that sort of response will likely be less wearing in the long run than fighting against it.
Keep reaching out for support. Many here have similar situations to cope with.
We're with you,
Carol see more
You need to set boundaries for yourself about how much you'll be exposed to this. But Bob, the ever wise Jeannegibbs and all of the others had it right. "Agreeing" with her, just being kind but not responding to her negativity - that sort of response will likely be less wearing in the long run than fighting against it.
Keep reaching out for support. Many here have similar situations to cope with.
We're with you,
Carol see more
Question
How or can you force elders to get home help?
ReneeMary, I want to thank you for you comment "think beyond force." When I read that word I sometimes feel like digging in my... ReneeMary, I want to thank you for you comment "think beyond force." When I read that word I sometimes feel like digging in my heels for the elder involved. Naturally, I know the desperation of the caregiver - I have had situations where it seems like the solution was going to have to be "force" - yet that is such a harsh word that negates the dignity of the elder. Most people of any age don't respond well to force.
Finding a trusted person is ideal (generally outside of the family). If that doesn't work, then an agency like the Area Agency on Aging or another agency in your area (aging.gov will get you there).
If dementia is involved sometimes force is necessary but it's best to try every other route first. Otherwise you have to get legal authority and that's a long road (as it should be).
The wonderful people on this site have so much wisdom to pass on, Rose. Keep reading.
Carol see more
Finding a trusted person is ideal (generally outside of the family). If that doesn't work, then an agency like the Area Agency on Aging or another agency in your area (aging.gov will get you there).
If dementia is involved sometimes force is necessary but it's best to try every other route first. Otherwise you have to get legal authority and that's a long road (as it should be).
The wonderful people on this site have so much wisdom to pass on, Rose. Keep reading.
Carol see more
Question
How or can you force elders to get home help?
This is so sad to watch, Rosie. As the others have said, people don't give up their rights just because they are old. But sometimes... This is so sad to watch, Rosie. As the others have said, people don't give up their rights just because they are old. But sometimes people from outside can convince them to make changes.
If you go up to the top to the senior living section and then click on home care you can enter your zip code and find home care options in your local area. See what is offered and you will be contacted by a careadvisor to guide you in the right direction. Let the contact know of the situation and they can connect you with the right person.
Sadly, sometimes we have to wait it out until something dire happens. One bright side is that he's lived until 90 and done it his own way. That isn't all bad. Good luck finding assistance, don't hesitate to talk to someone no matter what at least you will know you have tried.
Take care,
Carol see more
If you go up to the top to the senior living section and then click on home care you can enter your zip code and find home care options in your local area. See what is offered and you will be contacted by a careadvisor to guide you in the right direction. Let the contact know of the situation and they can connect you with the right person.
Sadly, sometimes we have to wait it out until something dire happens. One bright side is that he's lived until 90 and done it his own way. That isn't all bad. Good luck finding assistance, don't hesitate to talk to someone no matter what at least you will know you have tried.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Forcing help. Any suggestions?
This does sound very much like the dementia has kicked in full force. The drugs given to help slow down symptoms (such as Aricept and... This does sound very much like the dementia has kicked in full force. The drugs given to help slow down symptoms (such as Aricept and Namenda) seems to help about 30% of the people who take it. Some get worse because of side effects. So that needs to be watched. If you didn't see improvement, you might want to talk to the doctor about weaning her off of it and see what happens. There's never a reason to take a drug that does no good but is causing potential harm.
You're right in that you have decisions to make for her care. Since she lives so close, some in-home help may be enough for awhile. At least she's asking for help with her bills so that, I believe is progress. However, she could change her mind about that tomorrow.
Hang in and keep updating. The more that the community knows about your situation the more accurate the information (and compassion for you: )
Carol see more
You're right in that you have decisions to make for her care. Since she lives so close, some in-home help may be enough for awhile. At least she's asking for help with her bills so that, I believe is progress. However, she could change her mind about that tomorrow.
Hang in and keep updating. The more that the community knows about your situation the more accurate the information (and compassion for you: )
Carol see more
Question
I can't care for my Mother on weekends and my siblings are forcing me. Any advice?
Please read through this whole thread, especially the wisdom of JudeAH53. Your daughter needs you. Your siblings must take over some care... Please read through this whole thread, especially the wisdom of JudeAH53. Your daughter needs you. Your siblings must take over some care or mother will need facility care. That may be best in the end, anyway. Whatever you do, don't give in to your siblings. This is not your fault.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
What do you do when you feel frustrated because you are burned out, unpaid and don't get a break from caregivi...
I agree with txcamper that a visit to the doctor for each of you is in order. I'm assuming from the ages you mention that this is... I agree with txcamper that a visit to the doctor for each of you is in order. I'm assuming from the ages you mention that this is spousal caregiving. Both of you may do better with medical care or maybe you'll have to go your separate ways. This is no way to live for either one of you. But often, medication and therapy can help make things tolerable so please try this first.
Let us know how you are coping,
Carol see more
Let us know how you are coping,
Carol see more
Question
How many prescriptions are allowed by Medicaid?
Medicaid may limit the number of refills for a prescription but you can then have your doctor re-prescribe. To the best of my knowledge... Medicaid may limit the number of refills for a prescription but you can then have your doctor re-prescribe. To the best of my knowledge they won't limit the number of prescriptions.
Medicaid is a state run program (with federal help) but that is why it's different in every state, so I could be wrong. But from what I've read and heard, most people can get what they need. It's the quantities that are prescribed at one time that are limited. So, if you need a refill, have your drug store contact your doctor. If you need a different prescription. talk to your doctor.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Medicaid is a state run program (with federal help) but that is why it's different in every state, so I could be wrong. But from what I've read and heard, most people can get what they need. It's the quantities that are prescribed at one time that are limited. So, if you need a refill, have your drug store contact your doctor. If you need a different prescription. talk to your doctor.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do I get my Father (88) out of his depression when he has a bad day?
First of all, this is not your fault and we can’t make someone stop being depressed. You are right to be concerned and are doing what you... First of all, this is not your fault and we can’t make someone stop being depressed. You are right to be concerned and are doing what you can. So, try to ditch the guilt.
It seems to me that he has a "right" to his depression in that he's lost so much. As others have noted, he's only seeing the grain of truth - his truth. He's incapable of seeing the full picture. Whether this is a sign of dementia is hard to tell. It certainly does sound like depression.
Depression can sometimes be treated easily with medication - other times not. Medications are sadly limited in how they work so far and they aren’t right for many people, yet they do help a significant number of people so a doctor may want to consider this.
Whatever is wrong, he needs to see a doctor. His physical health needs to be checked, His medications need to be reviewed. His mental health should be evaluated.
I agree that a certain amount of agreeing with him is good. Even without dementia being present, someone with depression is not helped by people saying "oh, you don't have it so bad." For everyone's sake, it often helps to sympathize. But medical attention is needed to sort this out.
A geriatrician would be ideal as a starting point. If this aging specialist thinks that a psychiatrist and/or a neurologist is needed then you can move forward with that.
Read through this thread again and when you have time, browse other threads. There are wonderful people here with great wisdom. We'd love to have you keep us updated on how things are going.
Carol see more
It seems to me that he has a "right" to his depression in that he's lost so much. As others have noted, he's only seeing the grain of truth - his truth. He's incapable of seeing the full picture. Whether this is a sign of dementia is hard to tell. It certainly does sound like depression.
Depression can sometimes be treated easily with medication - other times not. Medications are sadly limited in how they work so far and they aren’t right for many people, yet they do help a significant number of people so a doctor may want to consider this.
Whatever is wrong, he needs to see a doctor. His physical health needs to be checked, His medications need to be reviewed. His mental health should be evaluated.
I agree that a certain amount of agreeing with him is good. Even without dementia being present, someone with depression is not helped by people saying "oh, you don't have it so bad." For everyone's sake, it often helps to sympathize. But medical attention is needed to sort this out.
A geriatrician would be ideal as a starting point. If this aging specialist thinks that a psychiatrist and/or a neurologist is needed then you can move forward with that.
Read through this thread again and when you have time, browse other threads. There are wonderful people here with great wisdom. We'd love to have you keep us updated on how things are going.
Carol see more
Question
Witnessing my Mother's deteriorating condition is very painful. Any advice on how to get through this?
PS - I believe that your husband is right. When something dramatic happens you'll know what to do. Likely that will be a fall. Falls... PS - I believe that your husband is right. When something dramatic happens you'll know what to do. Likely that will be a fall. Falls put both my mother and my neighbor in a nursing home. My mother survived 7 years - my neighbor 6 weeks. I believe that he gave up and let himself go. see more
Question
Witnessing my Mother's deteriorating condition is very painful. Any advice on how to get through this?
I'm happy that you don't feel so alone, Blackpine. That's what the agingcare community is about. Most of us have witnessed... I'm happy that you don't feel so alone, Blackpine. That's what the agingcare community is about. Most of us have witnessed these declines and the solutions -if there are any - are different for everyone. However, by sharing our stories, our ideas and our compassion we help each other and hope to help you.
My parents both had long slow declines. The pain of watching is awful. We do what we can. Sometimes that means changing their environments, but other times we simply must leave them live their lives as they choose. Unless they are cognitively impaired, I believe that they have a right to choose.
The idea of an alert of some type would be good if she'd wear it. That was the only concession my independent neighbor would make. I visited him daily (he was completely deaf so I couldn't call). He would have died if he'd been forced to give up his old home. Yes, his last fall was the end of him, or rather the move to a nursing home (an excellent one, by the way) was. He only lasted six weeks then. But he'd had a good 88 years. I wouldn't, as his primary caregiver, have tried to make him do anything other than what he did.
Keep visiting your mother. Know that your pain is normal and please keep us updated. We do, truly, know what you are feeling.
Carol see more
My parents both had long slow declines. The pain of watching is awful. We do what we can. Sometimes that means changing their environments, but other times we simply must leave them live their lives as they choose. Unless they are cognitively impaired, I believe that they have a right to choose.
The idea of an alert of some type would be good if she'd wear it. That was the only concession my independent neighbor would make. I visited him daily (he was completely deaf so I couldn't call). He would have died if he'd been forced to give up his old home. Yes, his last fall was the end of him, or rather the move to a nursing home (an excellent one, by the way) was. He only lasted six weeks then. But he'd had a good 88 years. I wouldn't, as his primary caregiver, have tried to make him do anything other than what he did.
Keep visiting your mother. Know that your pain is normal and please keep us updated. We do, truly, know what you are feeling.
Carol see more
Question
Is going limp like a rag doll a normal behavior for an Alzheimer’s patient?
Your observation that it got worse after adding Zoloft to er Seroquel may be right on. She may need a medication adjustment or even a... Your observation that it got worse after adding Zoloft to er Seroquel may be right on. She may need a medication adjustment or even a change. Not all antidepressants work the same way for everyone and elderly people have less tolerance for side effects. I'd tell the doctor about it. If he or she isn't concerned then maybe you don't have to worry but this doesn't sound like a "normal" Alzheimer's issue to me.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Taking care of friend with stage 5 Alzheimer's. At my wit's end and want out to live my own life. Any advice?
Update us when you can, Lies14! We're behind you all the way.
Carol
Carol
Question
Taking care of friend with stage 5 Alzheimer's. At my wit's end and want out to live my own life. Any advice?
Hi Lies14, gladimhere, Maggiemarshall and the rest have it down as do many others. You have done much more than even a good friend should... Hi Lies14,
gladimhere, Maggiemarshall and the rest have it down as do many others. You have done much more than even a good friend should have to do, particularly since there is family. I'd let them know that you are giving them one month to set up care for their mother. You can suggest that they contact the local agency on aging. If they don't, tell them you are calling adult protective services and then do it. Once you have done that, say goodbye.
You deserve a life of your own. Please do not accept any guilt from these people. You've helped your friend at your own emotional and financial expense all of these years. Now, it's time for them to step up to the plate. If they don't, the authorities will have to handle it.
Start planning your own life. Help with the transition in any way that you can but only for one month. Then, you are gone.
You are remarkable! Please keep us posted about how you survive this.
Carol see more
gladimhere, Maggiemarshall and the rest have it down as do many others. You have done much more than even a good friend should have to do, particularly since there is family. I'd let them know that you are giving them one month to set up care for their mother. You can suggest that they contact the local agency on aging. If they don't, tell them you are calling adult protective services and then do it. Once you have done that, say goodbye.
You deserve a life of your own. Please do not accept any guilt from these people. You've helped your friend at your own emotional and financial expense all of these years. Now, it's time for them to step up to the plate. If they don't, the authorities will have to handle it.
Start planning your own life. Help with the transition in any way that you can but only for one month. Then, you are gone.
You are remarkable! Please keep us posted about how you survive this.
Carol see more
Question
Forcing help. Any suggestions?
All good advice, JudeAH53! I'm so glad that you mentioned the POA. People should get that done very early but if Winnie's mother... All good advice, JudeAH53! I'm so glad that you mentioned the POA. People should get that done very early but if Winnie's mother hasn't assigned her or someone POA that needs to be done NOW.
Take care my friends. Support works.
Carol see more
Take care my friends. Support works.
Carol see more
What is the difference between assisted living and board and care facilities?
Generally, board and care facilities are smaller than assisted living but that isn't necessarily true either. Sometimes it simply a matter of location. One community or even state may use the term board and care while another may use assisted living. I'd look into each facility carefully to see what is offered in a basic contract and what type of care will cost extra.
Labels matter less than quality.
Another thought - in some instances (not many) Medicaid will cover all or part of assisted living. If you are looking into this, be certain about what the labels mean in your state.
Take care,
Carol see more