Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Mom with dementia doesn't understand why she has to pay bills. Any advice?
I agree with the great advice on this string. It's so hurtful to be accused of lying but it happens eventually to most people who... I agree with the great advice on this string. It's so hurtful to be accused of lying but it happens eventually to most people who provide care for someone with dementia. It's no one's fault.
Acknowledging what they are thinking - I liked the phrase "because of your medications ...your mind is playing tricks on you." Hugs, smiles and a positive attitude (yes - I know that this is hard to portray when you are hurting inside) seems to be the only response.
This is a long hard road. It's wonderful to see the generosity of the people here sharing their pain and their solutions.
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Acknowledging what they are thinking - I liked the phrase "because of your medications ...your mind is playing tricks on you." Hugs, smiles and a positive attitude (yes - I know that this is hard to portray when you are hurting inside) seems to be the only response.
This is a long hard road. It's wonderful to see the generosity of the people here sharing their pain and their solutions.
Carol see more
Question
Desperately seeking positive thoughts. Anyone?
Hi Hadnuff , This has got to be hard for you. Does your mom live alone? She sounds like a good fit for an in-home companion or assisted... Hi Hadnuff ,
This has got to be hard for you. Does your mom live alone? She sounds like a good fit for an in-home companion or assisted living where she'd have a social life. Yes, she'd complain like crazy but maybe if you told her flat out that your health can't take all of this running around she may grudgingly make a change so that someone else can do her bidding at least part of the time.
One thing to remember - some people aren't happy unless they can complain. Your mother sounds like one of these people. Just accepting this and setting up boundaries about what you will and won't do may help. The act of emotionally detaching from negativity is hard, but with work you might be able to let her complaints roll off by reminding yourself that complaining is how she's happy and nothing that you do will change that.
Counseling can be helpful, too. You are already working on trying to be less negative so you're an aware person. Talking it out with a counselor could help you stay solid in your resolution.
I hope that you'll find some close connections on Agingcare. I'm sure that a lot of people will relate. Let's see who else chimes in. We're with you on this and hope that a combination of perhaps a better social network for your mother and some emotional detachment on your part may help.
Take care,
Carol see more
This has got to be hard for you. Does your mom live alone? She sounds like a good fit for an in-home companion or assisted living where she'd have a social life. Yes, she'd complain like crazy but maybe if you told her flat out that your health can't take all of this running around she may grudgingly make a change so that someone else can do her bidding at least part of the time.
One thing to remember - some people aren't happy unless they can complain. Your mother sounds like one of these people. Just accepting this and setting up boundaries about what you will and won't do may help. The act of emotionally detaching from negativity is hard, but with work you might be able to let her complaints roll off by reminding yourself that complaining is how she's happy and nothing that you do will change that.
Counseling can be helpful, too. You are already working on trying to be less negative so you're an aware person. Talking it out with a counselor could help you stay solid in your resolution.
I hope that you'll find some close connections on Agingcare. I'm sure that a lot of people will relate. Let's see who else chimes in. We're with you on this and hope that a combination of perhaps a better social network for your mother and some emotional detachment on your part may help.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is it normal progression for dementia patient to eat well, but still lose weight?
As people age, their bodies become less efficient in absorbing nutrients. Add a serious illness or two and this is generally a bigger... As people age, their bodies become less efficient in absorbing nutrients. Add a serious illness or two and this is generally a bigger problem.
I'm only guessing, but if she's eating well but still losing weight it seems as though she's not absorbing the nutrients from the food. Her doctor is the best source of information here, but one thought is that supplements that are made to be absorbed without depending on the digestive tract may help.
Good answers from every one here so read the whole thread and see if you pick up on something that may help.
Take care,
Carol see more
I'm only guessing, but if she's eating well but still losing weight it seems as though she's not absorbing the nutrients from the food. Her doctor is the best source of information here, but one thought is that supplements that are made to be absorbed without depending on the digestive tract may help.
Good answers from every one here so read the whole thread and see if you pick up on something that may help.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Anyone have any experience with using a hidden camera in their parents home to check up on them?
I'd be uncomfortable putting it in without telling her. If her memory is declining, she'll likely forget about it but I still... I'd be uncomfortable putting it in without telling her. If her memory is declining, she'll likely forget about it but I still believe in elders' rights. That being said, I know how hard it is to not be able to know what's going on and a camera may make you feel better.
We got along well with personal alarms which my mom used often but they depend on the person being willing (and remembering) to wear them. In the end, it's your decision about whether to tell her or not. We all have different situations. Whatever you decide I'd choose one with a password as Harpcat suggested. Nothing is hack proof, but a strong password will keep the neighbors from intruding anyway (unless you have some very unusual neighbors: )
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We got along well with personal alarms which my mom used often but they depend on the person being willing (and remembering) to wear them. In the end, it's your decision about whether to tell her or not. We all have different situations. Whatever you decide I'd choose one with a password as Harpcat suggested. Nothing is hack proof, but a strong password will keep the neighbors from intruding anyway (unless you have some very unusual neighbors: )
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Question
Since having a stroke, my mom claims to "see people" who aren't really there. What's happening to her?
jbrundidge, there has to be a better option for you since this sounds like a medication caused issue. It must be horrible to experience. I... jbrundidge, there has to be a better option for you since this sounds like a medication caused issue. It must be horrible to experience. I hope that you are working with your doctor on this so that he or she can find another pain medication for you. There are many options and people react differently. Please update us on how you get along in the future.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Dad has weak legs and trouble pulling up pants in bathroom. He does not want to ask for help. What can I do?
It helped us to use "sweat pants" but I love the idea of pfs called soft pants. We do what we can. Aids like the one suggested... It helped us to use "sweat pants" but I love the idea of pfs called soft pants. We do what we can. Aids like the one suggested can be helpful at some stages, too.
Loved the humor from luanner! But she is right, I think, that is this one circumstance it's easier with a mate than a parent.
Keep up the suggestions!
Carol see more
Loved the humor from luanner! But she is right, I think, that is this one circumstance it's easier with a mate than a parent.
Keep up the suggestions!
Carol see more
Question
My husband's Alzheimer's Disease seems to have changed and he is sleeping most of the time. Is this a sign of...
Much depends on your dad's stage of dementia. If he's been doing okay, maybe he just had a setback and needed extra sleep. The body... Much depends on your dad's stage of dementia. If he's been doing okay, maybe he just had a setback and needed extra sleep. The body can demand sleep when we are fighting off an infection.
If he has been going downhill, this could be a short term rally potentially signalling death. A rally shortly before death is quite common.
I'm hoping your situation is the former and that he is going to be fine.
Take care,
Carol see more
If he has been going downhill, this could be a short term rally potentially signalling death. A rally shortly before death is quite common.
I'm hoping your situation is the former and that he is going to be fine.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
When my Mom became incontinent with her bladder and bowels did she become late stage?
Incontinence can come at a much earlier stage for some people so this isn't a likely gauge. If you are wondering about a specific... Incontinence can come at a much earlier stage for some people so this isn't a likely gauge. If you are wondering about a specific person - such you in your case - it's best to talk with the person's doctor.
In late stage dementia people often can't swallow, can't communicate, doesn't recognize people and has other symptoms. As I said - people all vary as does Alzheimer's.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
In late stage dementia people often can't swallow, can't communicate, doesn't recognize people and has other symptoms. As I said - people all vary as does Alzheimer's.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
My Mother won't stop calling me when I'm at work. What do I do?
Everybody here has added something valuable. My mother had her own phone after she admitted herself to the nursing home where my dad was.... Everybody here has added something valuable.
My mother had her own phone after she admitted herself to the nursing home where my dad was. While she me called often, as her memory got worse she, too, would to through spurts of calling me repeatedly within a short period of time.
Frequent calls can indicate loneliness, but this wasn't my mother's case - she had as much company as she wanted, plus she talked with a close friend frequently (thus, her own phone). I spent time with her daily and often had just left her when the calls began.
When she was in a repeated calling mindset (generally in the evening while she watched her favorite PBS shows) I tried to be patient and figure out what was going on with her, but I set up my own rules and only answered some calls (once I'd assured myself nothing was wrong). Since she didn't remember how often she'd call, once reassured I'd let a few calls go before answering again. This helped me stay sane and she still was able to talk with me several times in the evening.
Calling you at work is a worse problem, however. The idea of giving her another number to call and blocking her calls from your work phone is good. If you've got a cell phone, give her that number and tell her this is your new "work" number. It is - you work all the time if you're caring for her : )
Carol see more
My mother had her own phone after she admitted herself to the nursing home where my dad was. While she me called often, as her memory got worse she, too, would to through spurts of calling me repeatedly within a short period of time.
Frequent calls can indicate loneliness, but this wasn't my mother's case - she had as much company as she wanted, plus she talked with a close friend frequently (thus, her own phone). I spent time with her daily and often had just left her when the calls began.
When she was in a repeated calling mindset (generally in the evening while she watched her favorite PBS shows) I tried to be patient and figure out what was going on with her, but I set up my own rules and only answered some calls (once I'd assured myself nothing was wrong). Since she didn't remember how often she'd call, once reassured I'd let a few calls go before answering again. This helped me stay sane and she still was able to talk with me several times in the evening.
Calling you at work is a worse problem, however. The idea of giving her another number to call and blocking her calls from your work phone is good. If you've got a cell phone, give her that number and tell her this is your new "work" number. It is - you work all the time if you're caring for her : )
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Question
Can you take your family member to their previous doctor after admission for scripts etc. or must you use nurs...
I took my loved ones out to doctors too when they needed a specialist. If this nursing home has a problem with using this other doctor for... I took my loved ones out to doctors too when they needed a specialist. If this nursing home has a problem with using this other doctor for he depression issues, then I'd ask the previous doctor to call or write a letter to the nursing home doctor explaining the issue. I think that the nursing home doctor is just trying to cover himself since the black box means that their could be significant reasons not to give this drug. But as MaggieMarshall said, it can still be prescribed because it does help some people. This is no time for them to fool with a medication that has worked for your mom for 25 years. If the NH doctor feels that he or she is off the hook for ill effects from the drug, then maybe this can move forward.
Please update us when you can!
Carol see more
Please update us when you can!
Carol see more
Question
Every time I sit down I fall asleep. Any advice?
Yes, please tell us more. You may be overworked and have little sleep or you could need a blood test. Low hemoglobin will do that. I'd... Yes, please tell us more. You may be overworked and have little sleep or you could need a blood test. Low hemoglobin will do that. I'd suggest that you make an appointment with your doctor. That comes first. Other issues may need to be addressed, too, so the more we know the more we can help.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What do you do if you don't have a lot of information on a parents financial situation when putting them in an...
Great advice here. Do not take on any financial responsibility by signing anything with your name. Only sign if you can get POA and then... Great advice here. Do not take on any financial responsibility by signing anything with your name. Only sign if you can get POA and then sign your dad's name followed by yours as POA..
He still has the legal right to make his own decisions. I'd try to convince someone - maybe a friend of his who has a clear head - that he needs to assign you or some member of his family as POA. That's just something everyone needs to do. Many people take this advice better from non-family-members. If there's no friend or pastor who can help, perhaps his doctor will tell him how important this is.
We are all wishing you the best. Please read the full thread for ideas and keep us updated on how you are doing.
Carol see more
He still has the legal right to make his own decisions. I'd try to convince someone - maybe a friend of his who has a clear head - that he needs to assign you or some member of his family as POA. That's just something everyone needs to do. Many people take this advice better from non-family-members. If there's no friend or pastor who can help, perhaps his doctor will tell him how important this is.
We are all wishing you the best. Please read the full thread for ideas and keep us updated on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Mom is on the drug Haldol for outcries for about a month. Now she doesn't want to eat or feed herself. What do...
My dad was given Haldol after brain surgery and it had terrible side effects including paranoia. It may be helpful for some but it's a... My dad was given Haldol after brain surgery and it had terrible side effects including paranoia. It may be helpful for some but it's a very powerful drug with many side effects. I'd tell the doctor that you want her off of that drug and see what else may help your mother. If you get no cooperation, flowgo had an excellent suggestion, as well. If it's an emergency get her to ER.
Please update us on how she does.
Carol see more
Please update us on how she does.
Carol see more
Question
Mother with COPD complains about cost of Advair, Spiriva & Dulera but refuses to use nebulizer for full treatm...
This gets tricky - what are her rights and what is she simply incapable of doing? It seems to me that she may be rebelling against being... This gets tricky - what are her rights and what is she simply incapable of doing? It seems to me that she may be rebelling against being told what to do. Is there a way to back off for a little while?
When she get's short of breath, you can say nicely, just let me know if you'd like any help setting up your nebulizer. The suggestion of using a mask is a good one if this is possible for her. You could do some digging there. But unless she is cognitively impaired to the point that she needs complete intervention, you may find that she will respond better to a more relaxed approach, leaving the responsibility of feeling better in her hands - with your standing offer to help. If this is too dangerous for her situation, then ask the doctor for some suggestions for people like her. Please keep us updated.
Carol see more
When she get's short of breath, you can say nicely, just let me know if you'd like any help setting up your nebulizer. The suggestion of using a mask is a good one if this is possible for her. You could do some digging there. But unless she is cognitively impaired to the point that she needs complete intervention, you may find that she will respond better to a more relaxed approach, leaving the responsibility of feeling better in her hands - with your standing offer to help. If this is too dangerous for her situation, then ask the doctor for some suggestions for people like her. Please keep us updated.
Carol see more
Question
My parents want me to quit my job to care for them but I can't afford to. What should I do?
If your mother is on Medicaid, certain states will pay you for some hours of care. This isn't the case everywhere and isn't likely... If your mother is on Medicaid, certain states will pay you for some hours of care. This isn't the case everywhere and isn't likely to happen unless your mother is on Medicaid. You could check with your social services/Medicaid people and see if there is a way to apply. It won't be a lot, but this can help.
I'm always saddened that while there are great benefits in some states, other states give little support. Good luck to you,
Carol see more
I'm always saddened that while there are great benefits in some states, other states give little support. Good luck to you,
Carol see more
Question
Is it wrong to hope someone dies?
Thank you, Burnedout13. I'm sorry about your own pain but your answer will help many. Watching such suffering is horrible and most... Thank you, Burnedout13. I'm sorry about your own pain but your answer will help many. Watching such suffering is horrible and most people who are suffering want it to end.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
What do you do with a person without a family?
I agree with Mimi529. Find a social worker at a local hospital or a non-profit social services agency or ask at you local Area Agency on... I agree with Mimi529. Find a social worker at a local hospital or a non-profit social services agency or ask at you local Area Agency on Aging. The will be able to guide you. Bless your heart for caring enough to help out someone who has no one.
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Carol see more
Question
An unhealthy obsession with the bowels. Any advice?
I'm wondering about his prostate. Just a thought, but pressure from the bladder can feel a lot like pressure for a bowel movement as... I'm wondering about his prostate. Just a thought, but pressure from the bladder can feel a lot like pressure for a bowel movement as well as the other way around. I agree that at his age intervention should be limited to what he can withstand. However, a blocked bladder due to an enlarged prostate could send him to the hospital in agony.
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Carol see more
Question
Is it wrong to hope someone dies?
This has to be so hard for you AmyGrace. It's easy to understand why you feel like you do. I hope that you enjoy your own life as much... This has to be so hard for you AmyGrace. It's easy to understand why you feel like you do. I hope that you enjoy your own life as much as possible. You certainly deserve it.
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Forcing help. Any suggestions?
You didn't mention your mother's age or whether she has been diagnosed with dementia. Medications, underlying infections and stress are just three of the issues people can have that will cause dementia-like behavior. It would be good if your mother could have her medications reviewed and a complete physical in case there is something going on that is causing her to be more confused and perhaps less interested in keeping up her house. She could even have issues with her eyes that could explain both of the situations that you mentioned, though you did say there were others than may not relate to eyes.
The reason I mention these things is that because of much needed awareness campaigns about dementia, it's now quite easy for adult children to immediately leap to the conclusion that their parent is developing dementia when other issues that are reversible should be addressed first.
Of course, your mother could be in early stages of dementia. In that case she will worsen and eventually need more help. Windyridge has offered solid advice.
Dementia or not, it's difficult for an elder to give up independence. The more heavy handed and demanding that their own standards are kept that the adult children are the more likely the elder is to refuse intervention.
It's difficult for you, I know. I've been in your shoes - raising children, keeping up my own home, working and trying to help multiple elders. We'd like to be efficient. Get things done and get on to the next demand on our time.
But this approach - which your intro about "forcing help" indicates may be yours even though you don't mean to be heavy-handed - backfires as often as not with it comes to aging parents. Grit your teeth and do your best to be patient and understanding. It's hard but a softer approach will pay off.
Please keep in touch with us. Whether or not this is dementia, people on this forum have a wealth of experience and are wonderful about sharing strength and compassion as well as advice.
Take care,
Carol see more