Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Anyone deal with an overzealous nurse?
The hard part is knowing how long to keep fighting a losing battle. If your mother is content and okay with the continual draining, then... The hard part is knowing how long to keep fighting a losing battle. If your mother is content and okay with the continual draining, then it's probably okay to continue with it. But as the neurologist told Rosebush (about a different situation but there are similarities), just because they can doesn't mean that they should.
I think the nurse wants to see the pain controlled and likely feels the continual draining isn't in your mom's best interest. This is neither right nor wrong - it's an opinion that has more than one side. His intentions are good but you may not agree with the approach. Talk with the doctor about how long to keep up the draining.
Consider your mom's wishes. How long does she want to continue this treatment. That should be the main consideration. Some people want everything done and others want to quit fighting and simply control the pain. I hope that she is still able to have input.
Take care of yourself, too, during this tough time.
Carol see more
I think the nurse wants to see the pain controlled and likely feels the continual draining isn't in your mom's best interest. This is neither right nor wrong - it's an opinion that has more than one side. His intentions are good but you may not agree with the approach. Talk with the doctor about how long to keep up the draining.
Consider your mom's wishes. How long does she want to continue this treatment. That should be the main consideration. Some people want everything done and others want to quit fighting and simply control the pain. I hope that she is still able to have input.
Take care of yourself, too, during this tough time.
Carol see more
Question
How can I help mom or how do I talk to mom about her impending death?
I'm so sorry. This is a terribly hard time. Hospice provides family counseling. So much depends on acceptance of the situation.... I'm so sorry. This is a terribly hard time.
Hospice provides family counseling. So much depends on acceptance of the situation. Acceptance doesn't mean that you like it but you know it can't be changed. From there you can learn to deal with it.
Your mom may be doing okay with dying but you are, understandably, having a difficult time. Please take advantage of the hospice counseling and perhaps talk with their chaplain, as well. The more you accept the better company you can provide for your mom. see more
Hospice provides family counseling. So much depends on acceptance of the situation. Acceptance doesn't mean that you like it but you know it can't be changed. From there you can learn to deal with it.
Your mom may be doing okay with dying but you are, understandably, having a difficult time. Please take advantage of the hospice counseling and perhaps talk with their chaplain, as well. The more you accept the better company you can provide for your mom. see more
Question
How long do people with Parkinson's disease live?
The neurologist is likely right. Many diseases last until something else takes the person. There's still much to learn about... The neurologist is likely right. Many diseases last until something else takes the person. There's still much to learn about Parkinson's and other brain diseases, but a neurologist is likely to be the most informed. Addressing other health issues is important for a longer life.
I hope that you can still enjoy time together, WillieJim.
Carol see more
I hope that you can still enjoy time together, WillieJim.
Carol see more
Question
What should I know about elderly sleeping with eyes open?
If the doctors can't figure out what is happening (seizures or some other issue) then there may not be anything you can do but cover... If the doctors can't figure out what is happening (seizures or some other issue) then there may not be anything you can do but cover her or put her to bed.
She may be okay otherwise, but being put to bed rather than stay in the recliner for 15 hours sounds better to me. However, if she can't be moved, she should be covered to keep her from getting chilled. Medical people will have to make the diagnosis if they can.
I'd have suspected a medication reaction and still would if that option hasn't been considered by the doctor but I'm assuming that it has.
Good luck to you in finding a solution. Some of these things pass but this certainly is a puzzling symptom.
Carol see more
She may be okay otherwise, but being put to bed rather than stay in the recliner for 15 hours sounds better to me. However, if she can't be moved, she should be covered to keep her from getting chilled. Medical people will have to make the diagnosis if they can.
I'd have suspected a medication reaction and still would if that option hasn't been considered by the doctor but I'm assuming that it has.
Good luck to you in finding a solution. Some of these things pass but this certainly is a puzzling symptom.
Carol see more
Question
My Mom cannot afford assisted living. What do I do?
Annie, you are right that you may have to look for more options. I'd call your Area Agency on Aging or another local aging authority... Annie, you are right that you may have to look for more options. I'd call your Area Agency on Aging or another local aging authority (you can find local options by going to www.aging.gov and finding your state). Your mom may be able to go to some type of assisted living though she sounds almost like she needs a nursing home if she can barely walk. Look for local agencies to help you. State's vary so much in what they provide/allow that going local is the best way. I hope the list you can find from aging.gov helps you.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
My dad went into the hospital and they gave him Dilaudid now his dementia is off the charts?
My dad was given drugs after surgery that had a horrible effect on his mental health. He became extremely paranoid among other things. I... My dad was given drugs after surgery that had a horrible effect on his mental health. He became extremely paranoid among other things. I agree with the others on the thread. Work with the doctors to try to find a different drug for his pain. Older people don't generally have a large tolerance for side effects so it doesn't take a lot to have a big effect on their mental health or cognition.
We're with you on this. Take care,
Carol see more
We're with you on this. Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Mom lives at assisted living. They call me all the time to complain about her and want more money.
If the home is providing good care for your mom, I'd listen to them since they see her 24/7. If you are concerned that this is just to... If the home is providing good care for your mom, I'd listen to them since they see her 24/7. If you are concerned that this is just to medicate her to make her "easier," then I'd think of moving her. Much depends on quality.
I agree that many elders will put up a front for visiting family so that they seem pretty normal. Then, when the family leaves, they sink back into their norm. It's tricky to know what is right, but try to determine the level of care and the motivation of the ALF.
Best wishes to you. It's always hard no matter what we do.
Carol see more
I agree that many elders will put up a front for visiting family so that they seem pretty normal. Then, when the family leaves, they sink back into their norm. It's tricky to know what is right, but try to determine the level of care and the motivation of the ALF.
Best wishes to you. It's always hard no matter what we do.
Carol see more
Question
I think I am developing dementia. What should I do first?
This is such a supportive thread! While early detection of dementia (often Alzheimer's) is very important, we are inundated with... This is such a supportive thread! While early detection of dementia (often Alzheimer's) is very important, we are inundated with warnings that we may be developing Alzheimer's if...fill in the blank. Stress is a huge reason that many people have problems remembering things as well as why they make mistakes. Caregivers are inevitably stressed.
While I'm certainly not discouraging testing any time someone is worried, I do think that checking medications for memory issues (and taking the least amount possible) plus lowering stress levels are the first things to try. Often we'll find that by doing these two things, we've solved our problem.
I'm the first to admit that lowering stress levels is a major challenge. Yet meditation and other approaches that aren't terribly time consuming can help a lot. Thanks to the whole community for all of these wonderful comments.
Carol see more
While I'm certainly not discouraging testing any time someone is worried, I do think that checking medications for memory issues (and taking the least amount possible) plus lowering stress levels are the first things to try. Often we'll find that by doing these two things, we've solved our problem.
I'm the first to admit that lowering stress levels is a major challenge. Yet meditation and other approaches that aren't terribly time consuming can help a lot. Thanks to the whole community for all of these wonderful comments.
Carol see more
Question
I think I am developing dementia. What should I do first?
I agree that addressing the stress issues is vital as well as having a complete physical. While I can see why you are concerned (especially... I agree that addressing the stress issues is vital as well as having a complete physical. While I can see why you are concerned (especially from your last paragraphs) - and you are right to be - there are so many issues that can contribute to what you are experiencing that they all need to be checked out. You need to recuperate from all you've been through and regain your health. Then, if you are still afraid that you are developing AD, see a different doctor for that type of evaluation.
Take care of yourself. We'd love to have you update us on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Take care of yourself. We'd love to have you update us on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
How can I get mom to go for a diagnosis?
Providing the doctor with information ahead of time is generally helpful since so often the elder is able to act well enough to fool a... Providing the doctor with information ahead of time is generally helpful since so often the elder is able to act well enough to fool a doctor. Letters are useful for this approach.
I agree that a geriatrician is the best choice. Sadly, there are not nearly enough to go around. At 90, your mother is in good health and the neurologist likely figured she was excellent for her age. Sometimes, that's the best we can get.
This is frustrating for caregivers who want a diagnosis, but the reality is that since there is no cure and the drugs given for symptoms help some but not all (for a time), the real gain may not be that much anyway. It would be entirely different if she were 70. Then I'd push it further.
I hope that you can find a doctor who can help your mom (and you) lead some kind of quality life for her remaining years. That, to me, is the most important factor.
Good luck,
Carol see more
I agree that a geriatrician is the best choice. Sadly, there are not nearly enough to go around. At 90, your mother is in good health and the neurologist likely figured she was excellent for her age. Sometimes, that's the best we can get.
This is frustrating for caregivers who want a diagnosis, but the reality is that since there is no cure and the drugs given for symptoms help some but not all (for a time), the real gain may not be that much anyway. It would be entirely different if she were 70. Then I'd push it further.
I hope that you can find a doctor who can help your mom (and you) lead some kind of quality life for her remaining years. That, to me, is the most important factor.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
What is the likelihood of a medication causing a person to hear and see things that aren't there?
Very possible. Mental reactions to medications is not unusual especially for elderly people who often don't metabolize them well. I... Very possible. Mental reactions to medications is not unusual especially for elderly people who often don't metabolize them well. I always suggest the the first thing people have checked when mental or cognitive issues are noted are the medications. Just doing this can eliminate any number of suspicious cases of dementia. One example would be incontinence meds but there are many others.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How can I get mom to go for a diagnosis?
Making an appointment with a doctor for something besides cognitive issues is a good idea. I'd write the doctor a letter ahead of the... Making an appointment with a doctor for something besides cognitive issues is a good idea. I'd write the doctor a letter ahead of the appointment listing what you observe - this is where taking notes helps a lot. Then you can let the doctor be the "bad guy" and refer her to a specialist if he or she sees these issues as a problem.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My best friend has exhibited growing paranoia with her memory issues.
She needs an expert diagnosis by a neurologist or psychiatrist who knows both dementia and mental illness. That's the only way... She needs an expert diagnosis by a neurologist or psychiatrist who knows both dementia and mental illness. That's the only way she'll receive proper treatment.
I hope that she'll let you help her.
Take care,
Carol see more
I hope that she'll let you help her.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Dad contracted a MRSR infection from a recent stay in a hospital or skilled nursing facility.
Good idea, Angelkw, if this is possible. There should be many more in-home options with professional visits. It would save time and stress... Good idea, Angelkw, if this is possible. There should be many more in-home options with professional visits. It would save time and stress for all. Otherwise, as Pam suggested, see what the nursing home admin people can suggest. Likely that will be private pay until he qualifies for Medicaid.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Can neurologist tell what stage of Alzheimer's by initial exam?
I agree that testing is a good idea but there is also a time to stop the tests because of the stress and the fact that little more is... I agree that testing is a good idea but there is also a time to stop the tests because of the stress and the fact that little more is determined. Good call Bigski.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Mom won't wear diaper. What do I do?
This is one of many areas where terminology is huge. Kudos to all of you who have found terms other than diapers and tried to make... This is one of many areas where terminology is huge. Kudos to all of you who have found terms other than diapers and tried to make incontinence just an inconvenient fact of life rather than a shameful thing. For many, the idea is so humiliating that they resists the very thing they need which is, of course some type of incontinence protection. The more respectfully this is handled, the better. An article that may help: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-convince-elderly-parent-to-wear-adult-diapers-145643.htm
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
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Question
Where to begin?
Both of them need a neurological workup. The psychiatrist seems to have had tunnel vision. Bad decisions are often made by compromised... Both of them need a neurological workup. The psychiatrist seems to have had tunnel vision. Bad decisions are often made by compromised brains and some type of dementia (not necessarily Alzheimer's) may be behind it.
This is the starting place, hard as it is.
We'd love to have you update us when you can.
Carol see more
This is the starting place, hard as it is.
We'd love to have you update us when you can.
Carol see more
Question
Any ideas on how to "scold" my father (95) for using offensive language without being angry or frustrated with...
I'm surprised that the memory center doesn't just let this go. It can't be unusual for them. A center of the brain that works... I'm surprised that the memory center doesn't just let this go. It can't be unusual for them. A center of the brain that works is doing this when the filters can't stop it. There's nothing that scolding will do and they should know this.
It saddens me no end when caregivers must deal with homes that claim to care for people with dementia and then want them out when they run into common behaviors like this.
I agree with those who said if this is not common, then a UTI could be causing it, but for some, that's what dementia does.
We'd love to hear back from you. Take care,
Carol see more
It saddens me no end when caregivers must deal with homes that claim to care for people with dementia and then want them out when they run into common behaviors like this.
I agree with those who said if this is not common, then a UTI could be causing it, but for some, that's what dementia does.
We'd love to hear back from you. Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Mom's oriented one minute and confused the next. Now I'm confused.
I've taken the moments of clarity with joy and kept them in my heart. No one can predict them and they really can't be explained... I've taken the moments of clarity with joy and kept them in my heart. No one can predict them and they really can't be explained (that I know of). Enjoy those times and hold them close.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Mom has to go to a nursing home as she is in the 5th stage of Alzheimers. How do we ease her confusion when w...
The main thing to remember is that everyone is different. Your mother may transition easily and then start wanting to go home a month into it. This would only mean that she is likely thinking of a childhood home or a place where she felt emotionally safe in a way that her disease no longer allows. Or, she may resist being left. Or she may love it from the start.
Naturally, the staff makes a difference but so does the particular day that your mother is having. The idea is to be firm in your own resolve that this is the best for your mom. That will help you to appear calm and happy (even if you are nervous and scared). Don't show sadness - she needs to know that this move is a good thing.
Some homes don't want visitors for two weeks (I hear) but in my community family is encouraged at anytime. Likely, there is an argument for both sides so if you like the home work with the staff to determine how they generally do this. They are experienced and if well trained should be able to help you.
Take care of yourself. This is a hard move but in many situations it's for the best.
Carol see more