Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
Show:
Articles Question
Question
My mom (90) has been depressed since she suffered stroke. What can I do?
Aside from the fact that depression would be understandable due to her condition, it's also common even in individuals who have had... Aside from the fact that depression would be understandable due to her condition, it's also common even in individuals who have had better outcomes. Even heart surgery has a high depression rate long after physical recovery. The whole body is affected and likely chemical balances as well as emotional balance are thrown off.
As for the crying - the Pseudobulbar Affect (PBA) is common. You can find out much more on the site Stroke.org. My uncle had this and it was very distressing to watch. My heart goes out to both of you.
Carol see more
As for the crying - the Pseudobulbar Affect (PBA) is common. You can find out much more on the site Stroke.org. My uncle had this and it was very distressing to watch. My heart goes out to both of you.
Carol see more
Question
I have applied VA for my mom to go into assisted living. Now what?
I think in most cases the VA only pays for the extra services. However, it's often best (I've learned the hard way) to get a... I think in most cases the VA only pays for the extra services. However, it's often best (I've learned the hard way) to get a veterans advocate on your side just in case there's a chance that they will pay more. Here, again, you need to make certain that this is the local rep or a reputable advocate because there are horrible people out there willing to take your money without providing the services. Tread carefully, but do investigate. Local reps vary in how much they will go to bat for a veteran, but you want to try all avenues. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Where to find a service that would deliver food or beverages to an assisted living facility?
Most larger grocery stores deliver food and nearly anything that the store offers. Your brother may have to have someone order for him... Most larger grocery stores deliver food and nearly anything that the store offers. Your brother may have to have someone order for him online, but some may take orders over the phone. Good luck - it's a better time for that than in the past.
take care,
Carol see more
take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do you get over the trauma of watching someone when they die?
soloinny, your story is heartbreaking! Your dad's words will echo in your mind forever, but I hope that they can gradually become more... soloinny, your story is heartbreaking! Your dad's words will echo in your mind forever, but I hope that they can gradually become more bearable. Most of us have a few similar times rattling around in our heads. They come back and haunt us at odd times. But understanding your dad's dementia and where he was there should help some, as will time. I hope that you are healing. Please do get some help from a grief counselor if you continue to have problems with this that take over too much of your life.
We're with you in your pain the best that we can be,
Carol see more
We're with you in your pain the best that we can be,
Carol see more
Question
Are there families here able to reconcile?
I hope that your mom gets checked. As Babalou said, many conditions that mimic dementia are reversible. One in the news lately was Lyme... I hope that your mom gets checked. As Babalou said, many conditions that mimic dementia are reversible. One in the news lately was Lyme Disease. Maybe if your parents know this, they will be more willing to move forward.
One way to help families who are at odds is family mediators. This may seem extreme, and for your family it may be, but what it entails is that a third party - generally hired through a family services agency (nonprofit) - sits with the family to discuss the issues and suggest alternatives. This person is often a social worker with a lot of knowledge in the area that you are concerned about.
People are often less defensive when a third party is present, which can keep conversations on track. This is something to think about if you see no way around the family turmoil.
We're wishing you the best,
Carol see more
One way to help families who are at odds is family mediators. This may seem extreme, and for your family it may be, but what it entails is that a third party - generally hired through a family services agency (nonprofit) - sits with the family to discuss the issues and suggest alternatives. This person is often a social worker with a lot of knowledge in the area that you are concerned about.
People are often less defensive when a third party is present, which can keep conversations on track. This is something to think about if you see no way around the family turmoil.
We're wishing you the best,
Carol see more
Question
DBS--deep brain stimulation.Yes or no?
I've read several studies about the use of DBS on Alzheimer's and the results have, so far, been positive. It should be available... I've read several studies about the use of DBS on Alzheimer's and the results have, so far, been positive. It should be available for AD in a couple of years if results remain positive.
Any surgery is risky and brain surgery more so. My dad developed dementia because of a brain surgery aimed at preventing damage from an old WWII injury, so I'm aware of the risks in a very real way. Still, I believe that, for AD anyway, this may be one of the first real steps forward because people are regaining memory.
For Parkinson's, results may not be as dramatic even though the procedure has been done for several years.
As with all surgery, the pros and cons need to be understood. There's always a risk. In the end the decision is how much does the person stand to gain vs. potential loss. How many people have negative vs. positive outcomes.
It's a difficult decision to put it lightly. I'd ask to talk with a variety of people who've had the procedure.
We'd love to hear how it goes as you move forward (or don't).
Take care,
Carol see more
Any surgery is risky and brain surgery more so. My dad developed dementia because of a brain surgery aimed at preventing damage from an old WWII injury, so I'm aware of the risks in a very real way. Still, I believe that, for AD anyway, this may be one of the first real steps forward because people are regaining memory.
For Parkinson's, results may not be as dramatic even though the procedure has been done for several years.
As with all surgery, the pros and cons need to be understood. There's always a risk. In the end the decision is how much does the person stand to gain vs. potential loss. How many people have negative vs. positive outcomes.
It's a difficult decision to put it lightly. I'd ask to talk with a variety of people who've had the procedure.
We'd love to hear how it goes as you move forward (or don't).
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How are we to help Mom with her transition to assisted living?
I understand the idea behind the professionals telling you to not visit for a few weeks, but I couldn't do that. I'd feel abandoned... I understand the idea behind the professionals telling you to not visit for a few weeks, but I couldn't do that. I'd feel abandoned if that were done to me. I visited my elders daily for an hour or so to help them remember that I was still there for them and I'd reassure them that I'd be back. I'd also bring familiar treats and ask what else I could bring.
I realize that this is very individual and the "newer" way of thinking seems to be to not visit until they've settled in. I'm trying to adjust. Maybe these people are right. I just have a hard time with the idea.
We'll watch how this plays out in the future. I'd love to see continued discussion on the site about the pros and cons of each approach for people with dementia, without dementia, in different stages, and everything in between.
Keep up the great work, my friends. There's more wisdom in on this forum than anywhere I can imagine.
Carol see more
I realize that this is very individual and the "newer" way of thinking seems to be to not visit until they've settled in. I'm trying to adjust. Maybe these people are right. I just have a hard time with the idea.
We'll watch how this plays out in the future. I'd love to see continued discussion on the site about the pros and cons of each approach for people with dementia, without dementia, in different stages, and everything in between.
Keep up the great work, my friends. There's more wisdom in on this forum than anywhere I can imagine.
Carol see more
Question
Do dementia patients get clingy?
Mulata88, I'm thrilled that you found this thread! There's a lot of information on Agingcare and often even long time posters lose... Mulata88, I'm thrilled that you found this thread! There's a lot of information on Agingcare and often even long time posters lose track of important threads
By now you know why your mom is clingy. Most of us would be clingy if our worlds were completely turned up side down and then spun around a few times. Your understanding why she does this won't stop her behavior but it will help you cope.
We're wishing you well as always,
Carol see more
By now you know why your mom is clingy. Most of us would be clingy if our worlds were completely turned up side down and then spun around a few times. Your understanding why she does this won't stop her behavior but it will help you cope.
We're wishing you well as always,
Carol see more
Question
What exactly is Hospice care? And what can I expect from Hospice care?
A DNR is a "do not resuscitate order". It simply means that the person is in such a state of poor health that extraordinary means... A DNR is a "do not resuscitate order". It simply means that the person is in such a state of poor health that extraordinary means of reviving them shouldn't be taken. If the term "all natural death" were used instead, I think there would be less confusion and even guilt.
We all will reach such a state at some time unless we die an immediate death for some reason. Clarifying is a good idea so I'm glad that you asked.
Take care,
Carol see more
We all will reach such a state at some time unless we die an immediate death for some reason. Clarifying is a good idea so I'm glad that you asked.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Why am I so angry at my Mom?
I'm so proud to be a small part of this group when I read threads like this one! Wonderful advice from some, warmth and friendship from... I'm so proud to be a small part of this group when I read threads like this one! Wonderful advice from some, warmth and friendship from others, compassion from all.
Dixielicious, I can't add any more "wisdom" to what has been written here, but the bottom line is that you must take care of yourself. Your mother isn't happy, she won't be happy, and you dropping in your tracks trying to change that won't make her happy. Start working on rebuilding your own life somehow, and do read this whole thread.
Carol see more
Dixielicious, I can't add any more "wisdom" to what has been written here, but the bottom line is that you must take care of yourself. Your mother isn't happy, she won't be happy, and you dropping in your tracks trying to change that won't make her happy. Start working on rebuilding your own life somehow, and do read this whole thread.
Carol see more
Question
Where can I find an advocacy agency to assist me with dealing with elder exploitation, abuse and neglect?
It's sad that the nursing home had different people with different pay levels on different floors. In my community, the only way people... It's sad that the nursing home had different people with different pay levels on different floors. In my community, the only way people know who is private pay and who is Medicaid (other than administration and some employees) is if someone has a private room. Many in double rooms were still paying their own way but going the cheaper route of shared rooms. Others were on Medicaid. I watched carefully through the years as many of my family members lived last months/years in a wonderful nursing home. Since I was there daily with my (at one time 3) family members, I had a good opportunity to watch how the care was parcelled out. My family was on private pay, and yes they received wonderful care, but no better than the others. I pray that eventually this will be the norm.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Can neurologist tell what stage of Alzheimer's by initial exam?
Since the pace of decline is so different in different people, I'm not certain that the actual stage of the disease is terribly... Since the pace of decline is so different in different people, I'm not certain that the actual stage of the disease is terribly important other than in a general sense.
It seems to me that this is more of a medical model since in all of life it seems necessary to put labels on where people are in a certain scale.
If we do our best for our loved ones, no matter their stage, allowing them to be our guide (in may things that we do), the stage is just a vague guideline.
Caregivers note the decline, try - often with a professional's help - to see what can be done to help the person without causing undue frustration or anxiety, and then move forward with love.
I'm not discounting the value of numbers and stages for certain ratings, but I'm placing the individual above that.
Terrific input as always from the community.
Carol see more
It seems to me that this is more of a medical model since in all of life it seems necessary to put labels on where people are in a certain scale.
If we do our best for our loved ones, no matter their stage, allowing them to be our guide (in may things that we do), the stage is just a vague guideline.
Caregivers note the decline, try - often with a professional's help - to see what can be done to help the person without causing undue frustration or anxiety, and then move forward with love.
I'm not discounting the value of numbers and stages for certain ratings, but I'm placing the individual above that.
Terrific input as always from the community.
Carol see more
Question
What can I do when my mom refuses to talk to me about life insurance or living wills etc.?
Riley90, what a terribly sad story! Thank you for sharing this cautionary tale with us. Thank you, also, for mentioning this site: National... Riley90, what a terribly sad story! Thank you for sharing this cautionary tale with us. Thank you, also, for mentioning this site: National Association to Stop Guardian Abuse.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My mother (83) has dementia. She needs 24 hr. care. What are my options when she refuses to go?
Since she needs 24-hour care it seems like she would qualify for nursing home care. Most people aren't excited about making this move,... Since she needs 24-hour care it seems like she would qualify for nursing home care. Most people aren't excited about making this move, however once they do move and are settled, if the nursing home is a quality one many adjust well over time and even enjoy themselves.
You might want to seek the advice of a social worker at the facility that you're considering.
Take care of yourself, too. This is hard on everyone.
Carol see more
You might want to seek the advice of a social worker at the facility that you're considering.
Take care of yourself, too. This is hard on everyone.
Carol see more
Question
Will my gram lose her Medicaid if my dad (POA) transfers property into my brother's name?
I believe that Angel is right. You may want to seek some expert help from an elder law attorney because states differ in some of the ways... I believe that Angel is right. You may want to seek some expert help from an elder law attorney because states differ in some of the ways that these rules are applied.
Good luck
Carol see more
Good luck
Carol see more
Question
How are we to help Mom with her transition to assisted living?
I agree. While this is hard to watch, a week isn't nearly enough time. This big adjustment of a move plus getting used to strange... I agree. While this is hard to watch, a week isn't nearly enough time. This big adjustment of a move plus getting used to strange surroundings and different people will have to happen before the positive moves forward can happen. Slipping back, such as not showering, is very common.
When you visit, make certain that you don't inadvertently give off vibes that you are worried about her or that you feel guilty. Stay positive and encouraging. Tell her that you know that any move is hard but there's so much positive here for her safety and even the chance to have a lot more fun, once she adjusts, that going through the adjustment is worth it. Comfort her but always stay positive.
I know this for you, too, but it sounds as if you made the right move. Hang in. This should work out fine.
Carol see more
When you visit, make certain that you don't inadvertently give off vibes that you are worried about her or that you feel guilty. Stay positive and encouraging. Tell her that you know that any move is hard but there's so much positive here for her safety and even the chance to have a lot more fun, once she adjusts, that going through the adjustment is worth it. Comfort her but always stay positive.
I know this for you, too, but it sounds as if you made the right move. Hang in. This should work out fine.
Carol see more
Question
What can I do when my mother, who is in an Alzheimer's ward, refuses to bathe even with the help of a nurse?
It sounds to me that she may need nursing home help. You could at least tell her that if she won't let an in-home nurse help her then... It sounds to me that she may need nursing home help. You could at least tell her that if she won't let an in-home nurse help her then she'll need to move where someone can. Be careful not to make it sound like a threat because she may need that move anyway sometime, but just explain that this is basic health and that you've done all that you can.
Best Wishes,
Carol see more
Best Wishes,
Carol see more
Question
What can I do when my mom refuses to talk to me about life insurance or living wills etc.?
Two suggestions that may or may not help: One is to ask a pastor, Rabbi or an old friend to talk with her. Often elders don't like... Two suggestions that may or may not help:
One is to ask a pastor, Rabbi or an old friend to talk with her. Often elders don't like having their "kids" tell them to do these things but they'll listen to someone else whom they admire or trust.
The second is to go and get your own legal papers done. Let her know you are doing this and invite her along. Even is she doesn't go with you right away, she may get the message that this isn't something that older people need to do. Everyone over 18 needs to have someone who can legally speak for them if something happens where they can't speak for themselves.
Good luck!
Carol see more
One is to ask a pastor, Rabbi or an old friend to talk with her. Often elders don't like having their "kids" tell them to do these things but they'll listen to someone else whom they admire or trust.
The second is to go and get your own legal papers done. Let her know you are doing this and invite her along. Even is she doesn't go with you right away, she may get the message that this isn't something that older people need to do. Everyone over 18 needs to have someone who can legally speak for them if something happens where they can't speak for themselves.
Good luck!
Carol see more
Question
What if my mom doesn't listen to nursing facility rules?
You are doing what you can to help, but as Churchmouse said, if your mother is mentally competent, you may have to let the staff handle it.... You are doing what you can to help, but as Churchmouse said, if your mother is mentally competent, you may have to let the staff handle it. They aren't being unreasonable to have her tested for her ability to use it without harming others and any new home is likely to do the same thing. Be firm in making that point and then step back and see what happens. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Can dementia affect the sight?
We'd love an update if you have time.
Carol see more