Sent her an email over ten days ago and she hasnt responded to anyone. She has never been good to my mum and a bit of a drama queen mum loves you more? Shes a born again christian BUT doesnt even react over her own mums decline?
I am getting palpatations thinking about this and the anger I feel is not nice. How do you move on from this OR worse face her when the time comes?
My bro is bombarding her with emails about dementia WHY? i wouldnt bother.
She was told the situation and hasnt even the decency to respond.
She was never really involved with mum as she was too selfish BUT my mum deserves better than this she helped us ALL out and we owe it to her to be there for her now.
Im in shock as shes selfish but this is just unbelievable im ashamed to even be her sister.
How do you move on and ignore this behaviour? Am I very naive to think that anyone could be this heartless?
You aren't really surprised at your sister's behavior, are you? You thought this time would be different, because it's so major, but she hasn't been there in the past.
You have a lot of reasons to be angry at her, but really, what difference does her behavior make to you? She is never going to help you, so this is nothing new. Does she ever call her mother? Will your mother miss her if she stops calling? If so, that's your mother's problem, not yours.
I doubt if she is really heartless. We have no proof either way, but I assume she is suffering over the diagnosis, too. If she weren't, why not just make a duty call and pretend to care? Something is stopping her.
If she is just a drama queen, why let her pull your strings? Your brother wants to talk to her. Let him do so, and let her be his problem.
Try to calm yourself down. Can you write her a letter telling her how useless she is, then destroy the letter and do some deep breathing exercises? You love walking, don't you? If you can believe that you don't have to think about her, you can think about her less. You deserve serenity, and you can find little pieces of it, and calm those palpitations!
This'll piss her off. Tell her you're praying for her!!!! Best wishes to you.
The other brother lives close. Sometimes he calls. Once or twice a year he visits. He is very involved in family, church, and work, so doesn't have time or inclination to spend more time with her. It is who he is and I don't expect more.
I'm here all the time, but you know who her favorite kids are? My brothers. Personally I know I am her only family. One brother will show up when she is in the hospital. The other will show up for her funeral. I don't blame them, because we are not a close family. My mother and father never reached out to them, so it isn't surprising that they are not reaching back.
Try very hard to simply let your sister's behavior go, to let it be her responsibility. Your mother may not deserve that treatment from your sister, but, you know what? Your mother doesn't deserve the disease she has, either. It is very frustrating and heartbreaking to accept that we cannot make life fair for someone we love. We cannot cure their disease. We cannot control the behavior of everyone else in their lives. Focus on what you can do, and let go of what you can't.
Don't waste precious psychic energy on figuring out how to piss off your sister. It is just not worth it in the overall big picture.
I do not waste my time or energy with her BS and non-caring any longer, it isn't worth it. She is the one missing out and will be the one sobbing at the end, and will blame her cavalier attitude on me. She would rather mom were in a facility.
I agree with Jeanne, use your energy to be there for your mother and to take care of yourself. God Bless you!!
It is absolutely astounding to me what siblings will say. That your brother said "This doesn't give us much hope for our futures", sounds like he is concerned what will be left for him since mom will have care expenses. My sibs actually said "mom worked hard to save for her retirement, hoping she wouldn't have to spend it so there is something left for her girls", two sibs, that have done practically nothing to help.
Blessings, and I hope things resolve soon!
My opinion - new diagnoses (dementia, cancer, heart failure, broken hips to name a few) are important enough to take the time to make the calls. Making few notes ahead of the calls and following those during the calls would help standardize the information each call contains. An e-mail to everyone after the calls, recapping what was covered in the calls, can document the information and serve as a reference to the siblings as it is difficult to take in everything when the news is bad. Phone calls also allow your siblings to hear the stress and distress in your voice and hopefully respond appropriately. E-mails do not convey emotion well at all. Once the bad news is delivered, I'm all for e-mail updates on the parent's condition. It saves time, everyone gets the same message and the e-mail clearly documents what you have told them.
I also think LadeeC makes excellent points about anger being a waste of time and energy. And what you put out there comes back multiplied. Blessings to all of you, because we all need blessings.
Its a long journey, I am on year 6 now and hanging in there. Good Luck, try not to stress, just take good care of Mom.
RR
She was well aware that my mum was being tested as my other sis told her she was having a brain scan? she never even contacted anyone to find out results?
I guess I just cant be that selfcentred and find it difficult to understand her mum was good to her and us all also I don't think it matters if parents just didn't get on that we abandon them of course if there was abuse something then that's understandable my friend has never got on with her mum and now is looking after her 24/7 because she loves her and wants to do whats right!
I personally think oh well we didn't get on is a cop out. My dad wasn't much of a dad "we didn't get on" but I would still be concerned about his health.
Anywhoo ive let it go its her problem she will have to live with herself thanks for the advice and the sad sibling stories and I thought my family were pretty bad!!LOL
Gladimhere~I think my brother has personality disorder like my mother. He seems to hold grudges, doesn't think he needs to anything on his end to develop or keep a relationship with us but we should be doing our part on our end of it. I think my brother has a lot of guilt that he carries because my sister called him to get his SS# for a beneficiary designation on my mom's accounts. This was after I had tried to connect with him in 2010...I told my brother then that I don't know you because of the age difference between us...to me you were another adult living in the house. When he talked with my sister about 8 months ago, he told my sister that he does not know me!! He took no interest in me. My other brother is 11 months younger that My eldest brother, but yet we have great memories together. It is not the age difference, it is the personality and mentality of my eldest brother. He will need to justify to himself why he doesn't keep in touch with his brother who is 11 months younger and his sister who is 3 years younger. As for me, I am 8 years younger that he. I have detached and seldom think about him. I can't see much else I can do.
I have a different take on what is wrong with your sister. I don't think she can handle your mum's declining health and so she distances herself from the relationship and situation. Not all people are emotionally strong and many people who claim to be Christians are scared about death and dying so they have to believe in afterlife.. this is just my opinion and I thought I would share it with you.
Also I think in asia its a done deal parents get old they move in with family its the way it used to be here but times have changed and not for the better. I suppose its easier when all family are living locally then they can all help but when they dont it always falls on one! Im not angry at my sister I will forgive her one day BUT just so sad for mum she deserves some respect. I see so many daughters here on this site who were abused by thier mums and treated badly BUT they are the ones there caring no matter what to me that takes great courage so what does that say of my sister?