We are still at the beginning of this journey. My 85-year-old MIL is showing early dementia and has been for several years, which is why I joined this group. She will not go to a doctor except a specialist dermatologist. And she can hold it together in front of people who don’t talk to her very long. She wants to make their yearly trip up to North Idaho to their summer cabin. They have been going for many years. My 91-year-old FIL is now determined to take her there, as he likes it too. I think he thinks he is taking care of her because she says she will go by herself if he doesn’t go so he figures he “might as well sit around where there’s a pretty view rather than where there isn’t.” But there are stairs EVERYWHERE. They use only one of the floors as the cabin is perched on a hillside. There’s a loft and a basement with steep stairs that they (mostly) stay off of. He is a serious fall risk but wants to go. Last summer he fell on three different occasions taking the trash cans up to the road. My MIL could do it, but she says "He doesn't ask." She has almost caught the cabin on fire. Well, they have dragooned my 60ish husband (only child) into driving them up there. (3 day drive.) If he won’t drive them, my MIL will drive as she is still mainly okay with driving and my partly blind FIL will navigate. There is no stopping them. They say they will get in-home care or consider moving into AL when the “doctor tells them to.” That's tough when they won’t go to the doctor, so we are guessing there will have to be a big trauma to bring about a move. And they live far from the town. When my FIL had a small stroke up there 12 years ago, it took 20 minutes to get the ambulance to the cabin from town and another 20 to get back to the hospital. We see so many ways this could go wrong. They are fiercely independent and won’t even agree to a Life Alert. Thanks for listening. This is just a rant, I guess. I wish that some day one of them will wake up and think "We should get help!" or "We need a better way to live; let's look at assisted living!" I feel so sad for them.
Your DH seems ok with what he's decided to do.. so just have to sit back & see what happens I suppose.
It may still be that the MEMORY of cabin living is quiet different to the actual REALITY. MIL may want to spend a wonderful summer there... but as a younger couple. It may be a beautiful spot but I doubt it has a time machine to restore youthful bodies!
Since it's mainly MIL's plan, I would have a quiet word with FIL before they go. Ensure HE can call you guys to make arrangments to get home if it's just not working out. An escape plan - a *parachute*.
Best of luck!
Perhaps your husband knows his parents better than you (I'm not criticizing you). I live in the mountains in Vermont so I know about curvy roads and 3 story cabins since this is ski country.
I still don't understand why you and your husband can't hire a carpenter and have the stairs blocked off properly or made safer (unless you don't have the money to do it). There are also stair lifts that can be installed (more money). As long as they have 1 floor to live in that should be enough.
Your MIL sounds like her mind is still intact (I'm saying this because of your statement that you almost wish your MIL's dementia was worse).
Goodness, I remember when I worked 60 hours a week and still took care of my 1st husband.
Try to relax okay? Your in-laws could die tomorrow, so let them enjoy the time they have as one never knows what could happen.
I wish my Dad were still alive so he could enjoy his time with my Mom, but he's not. Right before my Dad passed away (I think he knew his time was up) he got in his car, drove 4 hours to Atlantic City, gambled, won and then drove 4 hours back the very same day). My point is he wanted to enjoy himself while he still could and he did. My Dad died a happy man.
Jenna
The in-laws do not seem to see this as a "last trip" because this is what they do - every year they go up there. My MIL talks about how when my son gets married next summer, he can come by and stay with them for a while. This is their second home and not a vacation, in their eyes. And they don't seem to see any reason that this year should be any different - even though my FIL is going about half of the already-slow speed that he was going with his walker when they came back last fall. My FIL asked my husband to drive them up there starting a few years ago because FIL had an eye stroke and has lost partial vision. He doesn't want MIL to drive because she scares him. And as far as blocking access to stairs, they would just unblock them. :( I guess this is going to happen. But we are trying to get them to agree to Life Alerts as a caution for them to go up there/stay up there. Husband says he will be up there with them about 10 days and before he comes home, he is planning to tell them that he can ditch his plane ticket and they can all just drive home if FIL cannot get into and out of the cabin. (Yes, it's very rural with curvy roads and a steep hill on one side of the road and the cabin perched on the other side of the road with a drop to the lake. It took a lot of fill to make a pad for the cabin and that's why there are three stories.) It's in North Idaho. They couldn't fly up there and back because MIL won't be separated from her big dog. So many caveats, I know it's ridiculous! I guess they're grownups who make their own choices, but man, I don't want to have to pick up their pieces or deal with the family anyone who gets run off the road. That's the one that keeps me up at night. I almost wish MIL's dementia were worse, then it would obvious to FIL that she has to stay down here. Thank you all. I read all of your new comments to my husband as he was eating dinner. (He didn't seem to get indigestion!!)
Your husband needs to step up, so other people are not at risk because of parents' unrealistic fantasies of a summer at the cabin. Is he up to this? He needs to get all the ducks in a row. Very often only sons are the last to see the reality of slowly declining parents. Perhaps a consult with a gerontological psychologist will give him a better sense of what needs to be done. Only with a lot of paid assistance, supervision and services can his parents be left on their own in a remote location. Otherwise he may be find as things unfold, local gov. steps in when problems arise.
Tell him this, then step back, it is not your responsibility. Get yourself support if you are unable to detach.
I'm picturing a rustic cabin, the romance of the sweet couple sitting fireside...
But then the grim discovery by Police after the neighbours report not seeing them for a few days...
I'm undecided on this one.
Dignity of Risk VS Duty of Care.
If they can't get themselves there and back without a village of help, then they need to plan a more realistic vacation.
I would also call up the hospital that is the closest to the cabin and let them know your in-laws will be staying at the cabin. I would ask the hospital if they know of anyone that could stop by daily or every other day.
Since I don't know the layout of this cabin is it possible to block the stairs? Even though my Mom and I live in a ranch house there is still a door that leads to the basement. I bought alarms that stick on door, windows, etc. from Amazon and if the door opens a tiny bit an alarm goes off. They are battery operated.
They could even go on those sliding gates that parents use for their babies which may work to block the stairs. Or even put heavy wood panels across the openings of the stairs.
Last but not least has your MIL been in any auto accidents in which she was driving since her dementia started?
Trying to think of ways to make the cabin more safe.
Jenna
If both men both did say no - how far could MIL actually drive herself? With no-one taking turns or map reading? I'm guessing not too far.
I remember a news story from a few years back: a couple (90's) went missing. Dinner at a daughter's I think, never called to say they arrived home. Took the highway in the wrong direction. Eventually slept the night in the car, lost, several hours away in the countryside. I think it was the petrol station camera footage in the morning that narrowed the search. Survived but cold & dehydrated (lucky). Had got confused & couldn't read the signs at night.
Anyway. Back to Maryjann's problem. So is this really about one last summer at the cabin? To re-live nice memories for them? If so, maybe a compromise?
All fly there, Husband stays few days, they stay 2 weeks more, then fly home. Arrange 2 paid Aides from nearest town to take shifts as live-in caretakers. Sell it to MIL & FIL as a personal chef & bin taker-outer. Use an agency that have trained eldercare aides. Explain the brief, including getting them on flight home.
Put a compromise on the table for discussion.
Better than all risk but not much care?
I can understand why you would not want to go. Your parents do not enjoy a "worry wort"...that is a person who always wants something to worry about. Sounds like your husband is looking forward to the opportunity. Sounds like they are in good hands and enjoy his being there. Your concerns about being far from medical care.....if needed they will get there. You can be thankful for there wanting to do something they enjoy. Get some help for yourself so you can change your "Worry mindset". "There is a time to live and a time to die". They have chosen to live.
I don't understand why members are so negative about an 85 and 91 year old couple who have a tradition of visiting their cabin.
This may be their last visit to their special place. Accidents can happen anywhere, mostly they happen in their "regular" home.
I wish my 94 year old Mom was up to going to the Bahama's as we used to go, wow, I would be thrilled for both of us! Hmmm, I'm getting ideas here. Why should a walker stop my Mom from getting on a plane? (I need to think this out).
Also, I had a Great Aunt and she wanted to go on a 10 day cruise but my Great Uncle wasn't healthy enough to travel so I went with my Great Aunt who turned 90 years old on the cruise. It was the best time we ever had! My Great Aunt was spunky and the cruise stopped at 7 different islands in which my Great Aunt got off every stop and we did a lot of walking around each island.
Life is short! I believe if elderly people are mostly capable of doing something fun then go for it!
Jenna
Let them live out their life as they sound so in love: my condolences to your husband: your poor husband must have a full load with you.
according to plan. After that, he still did not want to move until it became clear they could not be by themselves. They had great neighbors but you can't rely on them all the time. After another 1.5 years, they reluctantly moved to AL in my city. Parents don't always think about how their health problems will affect their children. If you haven't already, maybe a discussion about this could help. Do they have any friends that went through health crises that affected their kids?
My Mom and I live in a ranch house (1 floor) and my Mom has fallen down so many times that I lost count. She also wears a life alert necklace and uses a walker. She still falls down because she tries to do things because it makes her feel independent (at 94) and I get that. I can't keep my eyes on her 24/7.
Life is short and precious. If I were their DIL my attitude would be go for it and have a great time.