Follow
Share

After spending up to 19 hrs per day at Mom's house since Dad's final illness, I've become aware that Mom's suffering from Dementia. The PCP pretty much confirmed this at her most recent appointment this week. If I wasn't so tired and burnt out, I could write a book full of the crazy, weird, paranoid things Mom has said and done just this year. I can't write a book, but I felt a need to share what it's like. So...here is just one very tiny example:



In preface, I've been cleaning and clearing junk out of every cupboard, closet and hidey hole in Mom's house, in order to prepare her for moving. I don't expect thanks, but Mom's inability to understand that she can't take the whole house with her when she downsizes is difficult to deal with. Now the other day, I began on the living room. There's a small bookcase at one end of the room, overflowing with stuff, and with more stuff piled around it. I thought I'd start there, while Mom was taking a nap. I made good progress with sorting out garbage and misplaced objects from the books. At last, as I was finishing, I found a picture in a frame that had been shoved sideways into the bookcase. It was a print of an outdoor Christmas scene -- with a decorated tree and stars above in a gold frame. As it isn't Christmas anymore, I began walking toward the basement door to put it with the boxes of decorations downstairs. Mom (who is deaf) uncannily woke up, leaped to her feet and got in my way. She grabbed the object in my hands and said in a pitifully small voice, "Don't .... don't". I removed her hands gently, and said, "What is it Mom? What's wrong?" She pointed at the picture and said something incoherent with another "dont" in it, to which I replied, "Yes, it's a nice picture, isn't it?" She then said, "Please, please, don't take that home with you." (picture, at this point, Kat pulling her own hair out in fistfuls)



Well, steam did come out of my ears at that point. I kept my temper and explained that I was only going to place it in the basement alongside the other seasonal things. Mom insisted that I mustn't do that or she would never find it again... (??), pried it out of my hands, and wandered away with it hugged to her chest...



I have no idea what she did with the picture, but it isn't back in the bookcase. It'll probably turn up in another odd place like the laundry room shelf or under the kitchen sink.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing

13 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
Simply let her have it. It's a picture! Did you check it for hidden money? People hide things in the most uncommon areas. After grandma passed and I was going through her things, my cousin mentioned that grandma used to rathole her money. Sure enough. I found 5-$100 bills in a family picture. I immediately went through other photos and found $1400 more dollars!
(1)
Report
If it wasn't for fighting me tooth & nail on everything, mom and I would have had nothing to talk about at all. This was how things always were between us, really, but when dementia came onto the scene, things were ramped up 10-fold with her arguing, even senseless things. Every single thing I said had to be disputed; if I said black, she said white. If I said ok mom, it's white, she'd change it to pink! Round and round we'd go, it was awful. Nothing she said or did made sense after a while. I remember once she accused the staff of 'stealing' her silver heart necklace with DAD'S ASHES in it. As if such a thing would be wanted by anyone else. She nerved up all the ladies in the ALF to the point where a whole bunch of them were insisting that they, too, were 'robbed' by the staff! So they marched into the ED's office and demanded he do something about the THEFT that was going on. He told them, 'sorry ladies, but you'll have to call the sheriff, my hands are tied on such matters that are CRIMINAL in nature.' So one lady did just that: she called the sheriff, unbeknownst to my mother, the instigator of the whole thing! The sheriff showed up at mom's apt. door with the ED. Mom was flabbergasted! The sheriff said Hi JoAnn, I hear that something was stolen from your apt? My mother said I NEVER SAID ANY SUCH THING, turned on her heel and slammed the door in the their faces!!! She called me on the phone, huffing and puffing about OMG, can you believe the nerve of the sheriff showing up here, and yada yada? I said ma, you accused the staff of THEFT, now you're being asked to put your money where your mouth is and you don't like it. I went over to her apt the next day, went into her closet, pulled out her large jewelry box, and guess what was sitting right there in the drawer? The silver heart necklace with dad's ashes in it!

We jump down the rabbit hole WITH them when dementia is at play, literally. And that was early on in mom's journey, too. Things only went south from there, unfortunately.

I'm sorry you are going through this chaos with your mom, I can empathize with you all day long and twice on Sunday. There's no easy answer, either, except to say this: take care of YOURSELF as you travel this road. You won't be able to make mom happy no matter WHAT you do anyway, so keep that in mind. Her mind is broken and for that reason, there's no rhyme or reason to WHAT she says or does anymore. #Truth.
(3)
Report
Ssometimes it's just easier to give up the object for the time being....though I know from my own experience it's easier said than done! Just take a deep breath, and let it out slow. I have to remind myself that I'm the one getting aggravated and to what end. Don't feel bad, we have all done and felt like you and can emphasize.
(0)
Report
Katy,
I bring Mom’s favorite cereal to her MC each week. Also, her favorite cookies.

Each and every time, I have to sneak out the empty cereal box, and the empty cookie bag. She gets possessive with the empties, and gets grabby, if I try to get rid of them, in her sight.

Same thing with used tissues. 😬

It’s all kinda gross, but I have to get that stuff outta there. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Dementia sure is weird.
(2)
Report
Barb, I agree with you that it isn't necessarily a guy thing. I've known a few women (some in my family) with the same attitude.

I also got divorced after 25 years, was told I was too disabled to live on my own, but found it was the best thing ever for me.
(2)
Report
Gershun and Send, your DH's sound a lot like my first H and NOTHING like my current DH.

I don't think it is necessarily a male thing. But I do know that I was driven to the brink of insanity trying to convince 1st H that there was more than one way to look at things.

After 24 years, I called it quits and found out I was perfectly able to live on my own. Something I was assured I would fail miserably at.
(2)
Report
Send, how weird. My hubs is the same. Whenever I do something clumsy or am absent minded about something my hubs shakes his head and acts like I'm really stupid. I say to him "oh, and you never make a mistake" He responds "no, I never make mistakes" He really means this too.

So, yes maybe arrogance is common among the male species.

Sorry, Katykat, I don't mean to take away from your concerns but I just had to say my piece.
(3)
Report
Sendhelp,

I like what you said about working with his truth, while maintaining your own sanity.

That's where it is with caregiving for people with Dementia. Their truth is so changeable...we have to be always ready to expect the unexpected.
(2)
Report
KatyKat,
In agreement with Barb, don't apologize, don't delete.
You did nothing wrong, and had all good intentions to help your Mom. Something she can no longer do.

Just yesterday, my dH and I were going around and around, and I was trying to get to the truth so we could move on, removing blockades from our moving forward. Dh comes across as arrogant sometimes. In exasperation, I said that he acts like he is smarter than everybody else, and what others know do not count to him.

He answered, "I am smarter than everyone else".

Thanks for creating a thread so I can make this unimportant and absurd comment. I am trying to work with his truth, while maintaining my own sanity.
(3)
Report
Katy, don't apologize and don't delete!

I can't tell you the number of times during my mom's 5 years of vascular dementia when I wrote stuff here instead of climbing the walls, screaming or giving up.

We are here for each other, kiddo.
(2)
Report
Sorry I wrote this now. It's all true, but TMI.
(2)
Report
Funkygrandma59,

Oh you bet!...I have been doing a lot of yelling and screaming at the walls of my house when I get back home at night.

Thanks so much for the well wishes.
(0)
Report
Welcome to the world of dementia. As you are discovering, there are no "typical" days when someone with dementia is involved.
You just have to do your best and make sure that you're taking good care of yourself along the way.
And if it just gets to be too much, go out on the back porch or patio and scream at the top of your lungs. You'll be amazed how much better you will feel after doing that.
I wish you and your mom the very best.
(1)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter