Adjustment to assisted living is tougher for the children.
Mom has been in AL for 3 weeks. We all expected that she would have a hard adjustment but no one prepared us for the adjustment we would experience. When I say, we, I really mean two of the four of us. My sister and I have been the primary care givers while my brother and other sister have been far removed since they do not live locally. Mom is 91. She has dementia and severe osteoporosis. Right now she is in a wheel chair because she fractured her knee and she has a massive rotator cuff injury, limiting her ability to use her right arm. Mom begs, I mean she really begs, to go home. She hates Assisted Living. She is very confused and doesn't understand why she is there. We try to explain that she cannot walk and needs 24 hour assistance as well as physical therapy which the AL can provide. There is no getting through to her. She just doesn't get it. The AL is wonderful. They try to keep her busy all day and between my sister and I, we are there at least once a day for a few hours at a time. Still, she calls us 30 times a day. I don't answer half of the calls and neither does my sister, but just the fact that the phone is buzzing like crazy all day and all night is enough to make anyone tense. So, speaking for myself, I have been experiencing palpitation, anxiety, and I feel like someone has their hands around my throat. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears all day long. I don't know how to deal with myself let alone deal with mom. My sister just cries all the time. I sure hope there is an end to this and everyone settles down to a semi-normal life. I've posted several times on this forum. I love hearing from everyone. It also helps me to write down my feelings because I don't seem to be able to express them verbally. My sister and I can commiserate with each other, but my husband, et al just don't understand how we feel.
Think of it like this... Assisted Living Assists EVERYONE. The only way to get your loved one acclimated to the staff at the ALF is to "let go". They are trained professionals and they can help mom.
My dad would call me constantly at first. Unplugging the phone is a good idea (maybe from the wall so it appears to still be plugged in). If something happens the staff will notify you.
Sometimes both parties (caregiver and loved one) need adjustment time. Yes, it's noble to help out, but IT'S OK for you to have your own life as well. You now have the comfort of knowing that mom is in a safe place and you can take some time for you.
You will be a much better person for it, and trust me, when there's no other alternative, our loved ones can adapt.
Good luck to you!!!
I guess luckily for me, she took it all out on me, told me to get out of her life and so I complied and took a vacation from her. My oldest sis simply stepped up, removed her from the "rathole" and moved her to a better, very posh facility. Further away, so it was hard to visit and cost $50 a day more. Sis picked up the cost. I did check on her everyday, through the nursing staff and visited once. It was a lovely break for my brother, she stayed 6 weeks. He call screened her. I guess we all did. We had decided that if something happened that was serious, the staff would call US, not mother.
My cellphone is always "off". My kids and hubby know if I need to be reached, call the landline, I only turn my cell on when I am away from home. I am not of the generation that needs to be "plugged in" all the time.
Give her time to adapt. 3 weeks isn't long (seems like it, doesn't it??)
Best of luck!
My mother lived with one of my sisters for 14 months. The minute Sis said she could no longer meet Mom's needs, the other three of us immediately searched for appropriate placement.
The adjustment was extremely hard on the sister with whom she had lived. She second-guessed her decision. She felt guilty. She missed Mom. She didn't know what to do with herself. This went on for a few months. The rest of us could see how much better this was for our mother and our adjustment was pretty easy. (It was better for a number of reasons but NOT because Sis hadn't been doing a great job.)
Mother actually adjusted more readily than Sis did.
Don't underestimate the impact the change in your roles has on you. Many people experience discomfort and flounder when they retire. I was caregiver to my husband for ten years. He died four years ago. In addition to mourning him I had huge adjustment issues with suddenly not being a caregiver 24/7.
Three weeks is NOT enough time for any of you to recover from the change and hit your stride with the new normal. You will. If you and your sister are not more comfortable with this necessary step in another month, perhaps a few sessions with a therapist would help you over the worst of it.
As much as I hate having my 93 year old mom in a memory care facility I can't take care of her by myself
I have private caregivers with her everyday and our housekeeper has dinner with her 2x a week and another dear friend has lunch with her once a week
I find if I visit her in the daytime then I'm there for hours so I usually go in the evening 3-4x a week and have a treat with her watch a little tv and then out her to bed
It is exhausting nonetheless as I work 50+ hours a week but she is still very much aware and communicative so I push myself probably more than I should
Dementia is not an easy journey for anyone
I see you both go every day, tomorrow do not go. Do every other day for a hour only. Then eventually go every 3rd day until you are down to once a week. If you are hovering over Mom, that could be making her feel uneasy and she wants to go home.
When my Dad moved to senior housing, we joked that it would be like going to college, his room would be the size of a dorm room, and that I would be worried if he was going to like his teachers and if he would make any new friends :)
As for the telephone calls, I never had quite that issue with Dad. Does your Mom call all day long or only late afternoon and evenings? If the latter, then she is sundowning. My Dad had sundowning so I would get these calls every now and then, and Dad was so confused about where he was. Eventually I learned to just play along with what he was saying.
Get her focused on something else and yes, see if you can get her some meds to calm her down ASAP. I am so sorry you have to go through this - you're doing the right thing. Hugs...