This is a major problem facing the sandwich generation with very few practical solutions. Does the adult child take on their care while coping with the emotional backlash of a tramatic childhood or does the elderly parent/s become abandoned left to their own demise? I wonder how many are taking on the role of "dutiful daughter/son" while drowning in emotional turmoil in carrying out that obligation? How many elderly parents are alone and coping with the reality of their children wanting nothing to do with them? Who has more priority, the care of the declining mean elderly parent or the emotional wellbeing of the adult child? How does an adult child cope with the guilt for not chosing to care for them or the child that does chose cope with the inner demons of their childhood? These are the emotional dilemma's I will be facing and I am agonizing over what I see as a no win situation! Right now I just want to run away and hide. I am done with a lifetime of therapy.
I guess her Physician could call me because I always had a listed phone number under my own name. I can assume that she looked online to see if she could find me, if I Google my own name, my contact info comes up. This makes me wonder if she thought about contacting me hrself.... in any case, she didn't.
I felt, when I heard from her Dr. that she wished to talk to me, that she didn't deserve the satisfaction of a last minute,possibly insincere, "I'm sorry" so she could proceed to the great beyond with a clear conscience.
Fast forward to 5 decades later..... I get a call that my "Mother" is in serious condition in an ICU 2 thousand miles away, and she wants to see me.
My response...... "F**k that b***h". Was I wrong? I don't think so.
She's gone now and I don't feel any sadness about it at all.
Get out and try to find some pleasure in your life before you are also old and bitter.
I feel terrible guilt but I do not think I can bring her home. I don't think I can keep on breathing. All I do is cry. I am so alone and there is no one to help. if the rehab facility says she is ok for DC, it is expected that she come back to my house. I work full time days as a nurse practitoner sometimes 50 hours a week and my daughter is starting her externship days next month meaning my mother who is unsteady on her feet will be alone all day. My brother thinks this is OK. That's because he doesn't have to bathe her and do her laundry and make her food and clean up after her messes while she threatens to punch me. I am damned if Ido and damned if I don't. Is there any resource for me? I am 58 by the way and not feeling well myself recently diagnosed with severe depression. Neelie
"Taking care of someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive is dangerous. Feeling as if you want to retaliate is also dangerous. These are justifiable reasons for NOT being a caregiver. ... Each case is different, but with most, I encourage some kind of continued management -- often through a social worker -- to make sure that the caregiving team or the nursing home professionals are treating your family member well. This may be the best you can do given your history together."
Your horrible aging parents don't need you -- they need someone, and you can help ensure they have someone who will be paid to care for them. Help them apply for Medicaid if appropriate. Help them select a facility. Advocate for them. But do not feel required to provide hands-on day-to-day care. Srhousinghelp has given you good advice.
Here is an article that we have on the site that touches on this very situation. I hope you find it helpful.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-forgive-elderly-loved-one-134030.htm
Sincerely,
The AgingCare.com Team