My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
You sound so brave. I am anxious for all of you. Prayers lots of them. In God's hands. May God work with and through the surgeons and may all work out well.
Love to you, Cathy and to your sweet Father.
Cindi
I am sorry. I know about the wanting to sleep thing. It is hard and it does get depressing. I feel for all of us.
Cindi
I pray that everything turns out fine. My dad had the worse odds when he went in for triple bypass/aneurysm surgery. He did fine and went to rehab.
I will say my novenas, double.
Love,
Marylynne
This weekend has been a mess so far. My mom has been hateful, and made my son who lives with us angry, so now 2 of 5 grandsons mad. leaves me to deal with her anger, and theirs. My nephew still angry with her for her caustic tongue. Dysfunctional? yes, and it all started with her. My son had a friend over Friday evening, and she said she didnt like her, and i said, why? she said i just dont. So she proceeded to go to his apartment and tell the girl that she needed to leave. That she didnt want anyone drinking beer here. duhhhh again, my house? dont i have a say? Anyway, the girl did leave, angered my son, and she is still harping on people drinking beer. My son is harping on how mean and crazy granny is. I am a wreck trying to deal with both of them. I just agree with each one and try to make peace between them. Maggie this mother of mine turned 90 in March, and she too, is going strong like the energizer bunny, and i too, wonder if i will outlive her, or if ultimately, i will die, and she will still have to go to a nursing home, because it is a sure bet that her grandsons will not deal with her. well, gotta go, she is yelling for me. love to all, donna
Cathy
I am very depressed this evening and have the feeling that I just want to be free. For days my 12 year old has been sick and took ill with vomiting and the runs last night. Was up till 5:00a.m. and still have to get up the next morning and face these horrid old people. I am sorry, but thats the way I feel. I had to go to a graduation party with my Mom tonite and I can't even talk to anybody else without her getting up to look for me or ask who was I talking too, if I was away from her too long. Everybody there said that they have never seen a worse case of mother-up-the-ass syndrome. She won't let me alone.
I laid by my daughter when I got home, she came and got me twice to turn her tv channel. Then when I get aggravated she tells me off. She told me I left food out on the counter and didn't put in the refrigerator. I told her I put it away. When I got up it was put away, but she wouldn't say she was wrong.
I have been making it a practice to just agree and bite my tongue. I am losing myself completely. I just feel like telling everyone to go to hell and just leave. I know I did this to myself by taking more and more responsibility over the years, but I can't take it anymore.
I think I am in the same position as you Donna. My kids hate my mom and I keep telling them not to cause trouble, because I can't handle it. I should let them speak their mind, but don't want the trouble that it will cause. My oldest is not afraid to tell my mom off, but I just wreak havoc for it.
Last night my daughter was in the bathroom and my mom couldn't get in it in the middle of the night. She told me this morning that my daughter cannot hog the bathroom. I told her just knock and she will get out and let you in. She said she shouldn't have to do that. It is not her private bathroom.
I hate this and I hate her. I hate all my relatives that make light of my mom being with me all the time. I hate my life. I hope god don't punish me, but I can't stand this anymore. I am crying. I want a life without them. I have never had a chance to know what that is like. What its like to get up and do what you want to do, without having to feed or worry about anyone but your own family. I want to go somewhere where no one can find me.
I'm not going to do anything to myself/ don't worry, Just had to vent. I want out....
Love,
Marylynne
Marylynne
Into Your hands, I commend my body and my soul. Amen. It is a prayer I said before my operations. God Be with your Father, and Family and Bless you.
Marylynne, I am sorry you are sad and feeling such pain right now. Sometimes, it is just all to much to take. I know how it is to feel like you just want to leave. Let everyone take care of themselves. Because you no longer have the strenght or will to go on. You just don't think you can make it maybe even another moment. Unappreciative parents, sick child, demanding, complaining list goes on. I hope you somehow find peace and that the pain flows through you and passes through. Tomorrow is another day and the sun almost always shines and it feels renewing again.
Donna, your mother is just causing havoc. Chaos...acting out, getting away with acting however she chooses...being pissy. How much more? How much dementia does she have? How much havoc and one old lady make? Not right. Causing uproar. Make her stop that nonsense. She's taking out her negativity on you all. You all are letting her get away with it. Or, so it seems. Not right. She is not acting right.
Judy, hope you are doing okay.
It is late here. Husband and I were gone nearly all day. We went to a graduation party. Hired the caregiver for 8 hours. Mom went with brother to an indian gaming casino an hour away. They left at 7:30 pm and she isn't home yet. It is weird having her when we are going to bed. Hope she has the key or else hubby will have to hear doorbell. I am a deep sleeper when I do sleep. It was nice to be away from home and do something different. Hot day here. Husband and I snuck off to a movie. Saw "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." It was funny. Full frontal nude of the male star. Was surprised. Things getting more free these days, I guess.
Husband is snoring I better go.
God Bless you All
Cindi
Cindi glad you had some peaceful time and some party time. Its good to be around ppl.
Marylynne shake it off, I didn't hardly speak to my mom yesterday she was making vicious comments and I just ignored them. I wished she would die before my Dad so he could have some peace and quiet. I believe thats all we all want is PEACE!!! Its such a waste for her to be here and not do anything with the time she has, she's not stupid but does a good job pretending thst she is.
Donna I think everyone still does what your mother says and she sees that she can get to all of you. Tell your son that his friend can be there and grandma is out of her mind.
I am getting the car to the shop tomorrow and I am also getting two baby kittens. One for me and one for my boys. They keep asking me when they are coming. I am aprehensive even though mom said I could get one because I am getting two but they were found together and I don't want to split them, They are both girls. I hope it may help my Dad he usually likes animals, he loved my dog.
Hope everyones day goes fine OXOXOX judy
we are all so funny advising eachother etc..when we are all darn affected by what our mother's think feel..etc. Just like you and the kitten issue...Your house you get two kittens if you want! I wouldn't split them either. My dad likes our beagle, Oliver. I think the pets really do help the depression etc..He also likes my mother's bird...I firmly believe they are living longer cause we take care of them...now that is a blessing..but also....(laughing)...anyways..I won't say it!
Get that car in Judy..thought the car was already in was waiting for you to say you picked it up! Girls have a good day...and may God Bless us all and have mercy on us all!!!
Thinking of Cathy and her father...prayed again..and telling you that I feel for you,Cathy.
Cindi
How does everyone split any bills pertaining to their households, like groceries or utilities ? I just went grocery shopping, lets say once a week I spend $60.00 so thats $240.00 a month granted they don't eat everything I buy but meat costs the most and we all eat that. My Dad gives my mom $50.00 toward his part of the groceries each month. She gives me probably $65.00 if I am lucky each month.
When it comes to electric and gas bills I take the bill and divide it by 6 because there are 6 ppl living here and then I multiply that number by 4 because my family is 4 ppl. so I give that amount to my mom because she writes the check out from her acct.
how does everyone else handle it? Judy
Cathy hope your dad is doing ok. Judy, the kittens will help them both, bet your mom will love them, if only when out of your sight. Marylynne, your mother sounds like mine, overbearing and pissy. they both need to be put in a home. when will we ever get the nerve to do what we believe will happen in the end anyway? cindi, bless you for your ever cheerful notes, makes me think, and yes you are right, she is used to having her own way, and i am primarily responsible for that, as i have never said no to her at all. I am going to have to learn to be a little more assertive when she is acting bad. It is that honor your mother and father thing that keeps me in line i guess. love,donna
Cindi
I know all about the honor thy mother and father....Especially being Asian and having that Joy Luck mentality. Did you ever see that movie, Joy Luck Club? My Mother is a bit of every mother there! I have had to learn to stand up for myself better and against some of that asian mentality. It has not been easy it has been one of the most difficult things in my life. I still need a long ways to go. Good Luck Sweetie...
My mom is the cheapest thing on the earth. She puts in $125 a month for groceries and pays for her own groceries, such as cereal, soft drinks etc. My monthly grocery bill is over $600. I cook meat almost every night. She gives me $25.00 a week for gas in my car. I fill up at least twice a week at $50 a pop. She gives me $26 a month for the cable bill and puts in 1/3 of the electric bill. There are 6 people here. That is a good idea, splitting it up by people. She never gives me any extra money.
Will get back to you later, rice boiling over.
Love, Marylynne
Never enough money. I allow about $200-$250.00 a week for groceries but that also includes drinking water which we buy and also some toiletries.
Love yas
Cindi...Judy, Donna, Cathy and anyone else who caregives this is a tear jerker...send me your email and I will send it to you...
DAD MADE IT THROUGH SURGERY. HE IS ALREADY OFF THE VENT. What a day. The doctors and nurses are gonig to watch close through the night. He is truly blessed. So am I to have the friends that I have.(all of you) I am very tired, hope to sleep some tonight. Have to get to the bus-stop to see my son in the morning. I haven't seen him since 5am. I miss his cute face.
The wather bill is our biggest issue in our house. Dad forgets its running. I went to work one morning, he was washing up. When I got home it was still running! 8 hours! He can't hear it. Dad buys most of the meat and what he likes. We take care of the rest. He gives me gas money once a month, not much, but it all helps. Sometimes he will hand me a check for 100.00. I ask what for he says whatever. I wish my dad could RUB-OFF on your parents. Your parents don't sound like parents at all. They just sound mean.
The few time that dad does get out of line. I let him know. None of us are children, and we deserve respect!!!!!!! Take nothing less, even with honor thy mother and father. I am catholic too. That dosen't mean we have to be #!%#@ on. Excuse my galic!!!
Thank you all for your good wishes and prayers. They truly helped
Love,
Cathy
Waited patiently to hear about Dad. Glad your wonderful Dad made it through surgery. Hope everything goes well tomorrow. Don't be surprised at some ups and downs though.
Love,
Marylynne
Get some rest and like Marylynne said be ready for ups and downs...take good care of Dad and yourself and family...esp yourself so you can be there for family..
Love,
Cindi
Thank you all so much for your support. It has been much needed. I am exausted. I got up early to see my son and husband. I was able to get some sleep last night knowing that dad is in good hands.
Thanks for the warning about ups and downs. I was just so happy because he was able to say I LOVE YOU before I left the hospital. Trying not cry now. I will spend part of the day at hospital. I also need to be home for family too. Dad understands. I didn't get home until 11:30 last night.
Keep up the prayers. I am thinking of you all too.
Love, Cathy
I hope you all have a good day.
Love, Cathy
You are still not out of the woods. A couple of days after surgery my dad got atrial fibrilation and needed to go into ICU for two weeks. The talking out of the head thing and the yelling at you is probably the anesthesia. But, I do have to tell you that my Dad had a severe bout with depression, his taste buds changed, a bunch of little things that just aggravated them to death, which just makes things harder on you. My dad even got out of bed and fell down.
I'm not trying to bring you down, but don't be surprised at any of these little things. It is a well known fact about depression with heart surgery. Hope everything goes as smooth as silk.
Love,
Marylynne
She seems to be feeling better and didn't want to stay overnight. Brother had to convince her.
Cathy, I will pray for your father and your family. Sounds like your father has a mind of his own like my mom. The hospital staff can already tell my mother is a handful. Marylynne, I think you are doing a good thing telling Cathy your experience with your father. Doesn't mean hers will be the same but it helps to know what might or could and did happen to you.
I am already for this week to be over. It is long and drawn out and I just don't have too much energy or will to see it through.
Take care
Cindi
Cindi sorry to hear you had to take mom to the hospital hope she's ok.
marylynne seems like you are in better spirits thats good.
Well I brought my baby kittens home 2 of them and Mom took it well and so did Dad. I hope it is therapuetic for them. They are super sweet! But just like babies you are up in the middle of the night with them 3:00 am. So I will be tired today.
Can't go far car is in the shop won't be done til next Tuesday.
Mom broke her toilet yesterday, she broke the float in the tank, its snapped off. I have to get my son to take me to the hardware store after school.
Dad is complaining of his feet still and in pain.Waiting for the urology records to get here they were mailed.
Wishing everyone well later Judy
Things here are chaotic and crazy. I really need to get away (which is my way of taking care of myself whenthe stress is overwhelming and it is). Let's see long story short. Mom is awaiting going for stress test which has been postpone to later in the day. She is not a good patient, starving, thirsty etc. Got mad at me cause I wouldn't call and ask when she can go home today (even though she has been told probably this afternoon maybe evening). Cancelled Dad's cardiology appt because too much chaos here. Sister calls me leaves a message on phone that she has a mouse in her house in her bedroom and she needs a place to stay and can husband call the company he works for and get mouse exterminated. This is where the added stress comes in...you see my sister is seriously mentally disturbed and we have been trying to get her to seek help. Her bf is out of town at a seminar til Friday. She has been alone in her house night and day he told my brother with all the nights out. She is very depressed. She talks to spirits. She told me she has to get out of there and that she is not crazy but there has been so much spirit activity. HELP ME! I want to bale yet I am required to stay here and keep everything together and make things better. Have spoken to brother off and on and he is trying to help. But it rests on me I know this. My husband said if I let my sister spend the night he is going to leave house for now. My sister has spoken to my son's spirit and still does..and to other spirits too..she will not go for help. She has nowhere to stay soon so brother and husband feel this is a ploy to lean on us and stay with us. Her bf broke off their engagement and wants her to get a job and move out.
Hope things are better for you all. Cathy hang in there. Judy it's help without a car for that long esp. Glad the kittens are bringing you and family joy. Heard vicks makes foot pain feel better if it is nerve related...
Bye for now
Tell me about your sister talking to spirits. What does she say your son says to her. I know she is mentally ill. That is terrible. Has her mental illness, always consisted of talking to the dead. I know they say there are people who talk to the dead. Does boyfriend of sister help when he is around or does he leave it all up to you and brother? I definitely understand the thing with Mom in the hospital. Bad patient, I know all about it. I have had my mom in the hospital trying to juggle taking care of my dad at home and mom in the hospital. Mom doesn't understand that I have a family besides her and my dad. My mom always needs something and somebody is always doing her something.
Want to get a kick, Mom said today that me and her should run away. Ha! Not with her. Told her I have thought about it.
Hope you feel better and good luck with sister and holding things together.
I feel for you!!!!!!!!!
Love,
Marylynne