Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

Hello Ladies, my friends,
Dad is in big trouble. He had moved to a regular floor,but last night had to bring him back to ccu. congestive heart failure. Lots of problems with his lungs. Had to envoke living will last night. still crying over that. He is a little better this morning, but who knows?
I'm sorry you are all having a bad week.
My heart goes out to all of you
Love,
Cathy

prayers to all of you this morning. I know at times we hate doing this but when it comes to our parents we will find anything we can to get them well. Just like we would for our children.
Hope everyones day is better, oxoxo Judy

Dear Cathy,

Hold tight, you're in for a little longer of a ride. But, don't despair, I've seen my dad recooperate from the worse stroke where they had to intebate him, and putting a feeding tube in his side. He is stronger than ever and has no feeding tube for years. Whatever is to happen, will be for the best. Trust in GOD.

Love,
Marylynne

Marylynne, you are being an angel to Cathy, thank you for that. Your words are wha she needs and your experiences.
Cathy, sweetheart, You are having a bad week too and yet you think of us, what a loving heart you have. It hurts me the pain you are going through for and with your beloved father. Our prayers are with you all and as Marylynne said there is always hope, trust in it and in GOD...no matter what. But we are praying for the best outcome which is him getting well and going home.
Judy, you are right. The things we do for love. I myself had words with my mother again this am. She ended up apologizing. She called my husband a jerk and bastar*d yesterday to me. Anyways, long story always is with me..(laughing)..kinda...She said she is sorry and I feel better temporarily at least she acknowledged in a small way what damage she did and hurt she caused (even if she said I was being sensitive). I have a day off today starting at 12:30 and all I want to do is drive...not sure if I have the energy though. Told husband wish we had another place so I could go there...
Donna, how are you sweetie, haven't heard much maybe things are going semi okay, as least I hope so. Sometimes, the pain we endure and the suffering and abuse is all too much and I can't help but wonder are we saints or martyrs?

Much love, hugs and well wishes
God Bless us all...
Cindi

Dear Cindi,
Some days all I want to do is run/drive away. This is a very hard life even for those of us that have parents that cooporate and appreciate us. I pray for your sister. Standing up to mom is good for your soul. You start to feel like there is a Cindi again, spirit, spunk. We all need that. Don't let her cast guilt on you.

Dear Marylynne,
I am standing tall. I take all the moments since surgery as a blessing. Dad has been so brave. It has been scary for him too. He says he has made peace with his maker, but you can still see the fear in his eyes. I just want to hold him like my child and make it better. Tell him everything is going to be OK. It is hard not to cry. I am also having a hard time leaving the hospital. The hospital is 40 mins. away. If something happens I am too far away.(guilt)
My brother and his family are flying in tomorrow to see dad. His kids have not seen dad in 2 years.
Dad saw my son today for the first time since monday. His smile was beautiful. He was so happy.
Thank you all for the kind words, thoughts, and prayers.
You are all in mine.
Love,
Cathy

Dear Cathy,

I want to share a special moment with you. Way before my Dad had his bypass surgery, the doctors said he could go at any moment, of course, that was 15 years ago. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I even had trouble having intimate relations with my husband, in fear the phone would ring and it would be that god awful call. Well anyway, he was in a rehab unit recuperating from a broken hip. I climbed in bed with him, just as you said and held him like a baby. I really thought at that time I was going to lose him.

I feel very guilty writing about this now, so much time has passed and I feel such resentment toward him and my mother. I don't feel like I could climb into bed with him and hug him anymore.

I try every morning to hug my mother, hoping that the feeling of love will come back to me, but somehow it doesn't right now.

Hold tight, You are in my prayers.

We are all soul sisters, Donna, Cindi, Judy, Cathy, Maggie and me

Marylynne

Cindi, Hoping you are doing better today, I have been saying my nine day novena now for all of us to have strength to get through whatever we have to face. I say it at night before I go to sleep, so I have no unexpected interruptions. I find my thoughts wandering, even as I pray.

Judy, I know just what you mean about taking care of them, just like our children. Hope those kittens are giving you joy. I know my little dog gives me joy every day.

Donna, worried, where are you? Hope you are having better days with that good man.

Love,
marylynne

hey girls, Dad seems to be moving around better spent some time on the couch yesterday. I think the kittens are a stimulis for him. And my mom is actually smiling.

Cathy hope Dad is better today. Glad family is coming in for some support.

Cindi, seems like mom knows you have feelings after all, sometimes I think that my mom doesn't think what she says hurts.

marylynne, I bent down the other night and gave my dad a kiss and told him that I loved him, because he had a bad week. He is grateful to have me here, I wish the same for you and your dad.

Yes where's Donna? OXOXOX judy

hey everyone, haven't heard from anyone in a couple days hope everything is ok ?
Dad seems to feel stronger and is going to try to walk with his cane today. He is not too sure if he can manage it. We are still having trouble getting him to eat better.
well hope to hear something from any of you today, or I will really start to worry.
Judy

Ladies,

I have read through many of your posts and apprecaite you sharing your stories. My mother lives with me, my husband, and my 2 daughters. I am at the beginning of the story. My mother had a knee replacement 5 years ago and it has been down hill ever since. Her memory is hit and miss, quite often miss. She has until this last month continued to work full time with me in an office. I work with, live with, and manage the health care of my 67 year old mother. I am only 34. I have had to take away tasks at work that are no longer things I can trust her to do without me having the double check it. I don't have the time to double check everything. I am now doing both our jobs. Her health is a state of constant pain. She has a crushed disk, and many cracks in her spine. She has no friends and has kept it that way ever since I can remember. I have 2 brothers that live out of state. One of which had the oportunity to move here and chose to move somewhere he had no prospects, when I had a job and home lined up for him. My other brother is wrapped up in a home and life. I understand the one brother not being able to come help, but the one that chose no prospects instead of family. I get so angry! Mom thinks she is going to get better... I really don't think so. I just have to keep taking this away from her due to her pain level doing them or her mental capacity to do them. If she drops something, instead of asking one of us to get it for her, she will get down on the floor to get it and pay for it for hours. I get so tired of watching her make herself suffer when she doesn't need to. I have discussed it with her and she just doesn't get it. I know I love her, but it is hard to feel it anymore.

Thanks for listening

Judy, I'm here, and worried about the girls. Haven't heard from Donna in days and Cindi went on a day out. Glad your Dad is doing a little better and hope your Mom is doing well too. You sound like you're getting along a lot better these days.

You and Cindi seem to be very inspiring with ya'll attitudes. I admire you both.

Stressedout2000. I totally understand where you are coming from. Have the two brother syndrome also. One lives around the corner and avoids my house like the plague and other brother is too tied up in his own family to care. I am at that point also in my caregiving, that I just don't feel like I love my parents any more. I know I really do somewhere deep down, but I just can't find that place anymore. Hope to find it again one day.

Judy, the addition on my house is coming along. Going to try and take Dad for a car ride tomorrow to see it for first time. Hope I will get some good response from him. Mom has already seen it and is pleased, but scared that she will have to take a much more active part in caregiving for my Dad.

Love ya'll,

Marylynne

marylynne, I'm glad you are ok I hope the same for everyone else. I would be excited to see the addition coming along. Any idea when it will be done?
Hope your Dad approves.
Stressedout, I am an only child so I guess it doesn't make any difference whether you have siblings or not. Its hard for your mom to give up some independence, I struggle with that for both of my parents everyday. Then when they are heathy they want you to do everything for them.
I used to take my mom to work with me too but then had to quit my job because of my Dad. She couldn't do that anymore if I decided to go back. She move to slow.
How is your relationship with your mom if it is good then thats half the battle if not there is a hard road ahead. Mine is not good its the generation gap.
Good luck keep us posted, Judy

hello girls, and sorry for worrying you marylynne, had computer problems, finally got it fixed yesterday. my sons came for my granddaughters graduation and finally got one of them to fix it for me. it has been busy here, and so, have not been on computer as much as normally. my mom is still the same. this morning, Don and i had to go to walmart early, like 9am to get something, and she wanted to go along. so, i got her ready and she went. on the way back, we saw a little travel trailer for sale, and she said i wish i had that. Don said what would you do with it? she said i would live in it. He said, well, dont you like where you live now? she said, no, too many bosses. well, that could only mean me, and somehow it hurt me as well as angered me that she said that, seeing as i am giving up my life to keep her at home. Her babbling is getting worse by the day, and the boys, my sons and my nephew all saw it this weekend. They also said that they thought i should see into homes, just in case that day came soon. I still havent gotten the nerve to do that yet.
I too am an only child, so know what judy and stressedout go thru. Cathy glad that your dad is doing better, also know what a lot of stress it puts on you, hope you are ok. Cindi, glad you are having some free time, enjoy it. will write more later. love to all of u. donna

Hello My Friends,
It has been a very long week. Dad did well in the begining. On wednesday his right lung collapsed. I had only been home for an hour with my son when the hospital called. They said get here. Lucky for me my friends were home. Pussed my son out of the car said I love you and drove faster than I ever have before. We thought we were going to loose him that night. I slept on the floor at the hospital(kind of slept).The doctors were not optimistic. He pulled thru. Huge surprise. My brother came with his wife and 2 children on friday. Glad they left early this morning. They found it much more important to sight see and outlet shop than see my dad. This was the first time they have come to see us in 4 years. Dad haden't seen his other 2 grandkids in 2 years. For the first 2 years I paid for him to travel to visit my brother and his family. My husband and friends were glad to see them go. They were getting stressed out with the choices they were making while here. I decided that they were not going to make me crazy.

Donna,
I'm glad you are back. We were worried about you. It is good when your family can see the changes. Maybe they can help a little more. I know the guilt you feel about homes for your mom. I have a hard time just leaving dad at the hospital.

Cindi,
I hope you have enjoyed your time off. Thanks for the prayers.

Marylynne,
Thank you for all of your prayers as well. Thank you for sharing the story with me. I keep touching his hand, shoulder, face,and back just to reassure him. Let him know I'm there. Cindi is right you are just what I need right now. Thanks. Hope the house is done soon.

Judy,
How are those kittens? Glad dad is feeling stronger. Have you tried a walker for him? Is he eating any better?

Stressedout,
I am 37 years old. My dad will turn 82 tomorrow. I understand. These ladies get it. My dad loved to cook. I had to tell him he was not allowed to use the stove anymore. He forgot he was making boiled eggs. You can imagine the damage that caused. He put a ham steak in the microwave for 15 mins. instead of 15 seconds. He melted the plate to the microwave and almost set the house on fire. It is hard parenting your parents. We are fortunite to have each other to talk to. Hope you stay with us.

Love and prayers to all
Cathy

Hi Girls. All I can say is I hope this week is better then last week cause it was hell! The weekend has flown by for me. Friday, Mom had a hair appt. My hairdresser, Eric told me not to be like my mom as I grow older. He does both of our hair. Mine for like 10 years and my mom's for about a year now. Guess she scared him when he was running late and she got after him. I laughed and said Eric you haven't seen anything. Mom has been better since Thursday when her and I had words. She told me she knew deep down inside that I was very helpful and loving and that she only had me to take care of her and she even said my husband was a good man (remember she had called him a jerk and bastard a few days before that is why I was angry with her and had words). She apologized and has been trying. Saturday, took her for an additional Mother's day gift to Monterey Park, which has many chinese restaurants that specialize in dim sum (chinese dumplings). Afterwards took her to get her earrings from the jewelers and then to some asian markets. Spent the whole day out. Husband drove and dad went too. Sunday, mom was nice enough to stay with dad while we went to a bbq at some friend's house. We were gone like from 5:00 to 7:45. Potluck style. Left some ribs etc for their dinner. Mom actually had to put dinner on table for dad. Went out looking for microwaves today after situating dad. Left them together for almost 3 hours. Came home with nothing. Have to make decision, husband looking in consumer reports. Need a microhood. Later, went to see a movie with two girlfriends at the cheap theater was pretty good but suspenseful "88 minutes" with Al Pachino. So, things are smoother for the moment after a very hard and rocky week. Mom's seems to be okay after her hospitalization overnight. No heart problems found. Take her to the doctor an 45 minutes away this week. Dad seems to be declining a little. Altzheimers affecting him more. Concerned about it.

Cathy, glad your dad is recuperating however, slowly. Hang in there and take care of yourself too.

Donna, I think your mother is affected by altzheimers or some other demetia and that is why she is so mean and nasty. Glad others see it too so they can be more empathetic and give you advice. It is always hard when you know you are doing your best and then they say something or do something that makes you feel slapped in the face. You wonder if you are stupid or a fool. Happened to me last week and I was real depressed for a few days.

Judy, my parents like the dog and bird. It does warm their hearts. Glad it is working for yours too. When is the van coming back? Sounds like your dad is doing better with is legs.

Marylynne, how are you doing? Glad your dad was pleased with the addition. Hope your mom is pleased but if not don't lose heart. It's either there or an assisted living or nursing home. Your mother sounds so much like mine. If she is in good enough health she should help take care of your father. My Mother uses her back as an excuse.

Stressedout, hi...read your posting. My mother had and again has a herniated disc. She is using pain management because she doesn't want to have a spinal fusion. She already had a microdiscetomy which was unsucessful the disc slipped again. Physical Therapy actually helped her with her pain. Water therapy to be more precise. She also uses pain patches and pain pills. This is hard stuff we do.
It's day to day moment to moment. Some days we have more patience etc..and others we are ready to walk sometimes even run!

Love to all
Here's to a better week for us all.
Cindi

Cindi. glad mom is feeling better, seems like when they are not thats when they can see we care, Wish it was like that everyday.
The kittens are so cute and energetic.
I should get my van back today they are going to call this afternoon.
hope you have a good day, oxoxo Judy

Hi Everyone...Judy, Marylynne, Donna, Cathy, Stressedout:

Forgot to ask if you all had a nice Memorial Day weekend? Did you bbq? We didn't, first time. We did go to a bbq though. I always feel that we need to bbq on that day or something. Going to one is close enough I guess. Mom is not feeling well today, she has allergies or something. Headache, body ache etc. I am having breakfast and on here. Had to turn down the fan in the living room cause she was cold so I came in here to eat and pumped up my fan. I am always hot or mostly. Hard for the elderly to coexist cause they are always cold and I am always hot. They usually stay in their rooms where they are comfortable. Mom is in kitchen slicing some veggies. She is going to use the leftover ribs I bought and use it in a recipe. Nice sunny day here a bit breezy. Did not want to get out of bed this am. Did some work around the house and I feel better now. Well gotta bathe Dad then go out run errands. So much housework I need to do behind. Needs a good Spring cleaning..ugh! Need a maid!!!

Have a good day!
Hugs
Cindi.........Judy so glad you are getting your van back soon. Animals are a comfort. My daughter's beagle is lying next to me while I am typing to you all! He is so sweet...

no we didn't bbq had done that the past couple days though. Kids weren't home so I made corned beef hash for us.
Having eating problems with dad again, if he doesn't eat i told him I will have to take him to the hospital. His appetite is decreasing. He has tried to walk more after much bed rest and now says his legs hurt well thats because he stretched the leg muscules he hasn't used in awhile.
He has a very low tolerance to pain never used to be that way. After he had surgerys in the past he was out lifting when the drs. said not too. Now look at him totally different person. My mom balls him out for working hard and it coming down to this.
later, Judy

Hi my friends, so much going on with all of us. Cindi, sounds like fun, even with your mom to go out to the chinese restuarant and asian market. There is nothing like that in my area, but i know i would enjoy it if there were. Sometimes i wonder if I can enjoy anything, seems like it is just a hassle to go anywhere, whether or not i take mama with me. when she goes, it wears me out. when she stays at home, i worry and hurry, knowing that when i get home she is going to be mad that i was gone too long, whether it is 10 minutes or 10 hours. This is one of those days that i feel so terribly tired. I think it is depression, mixed with the fact that i have to do everything around here. thank goodness my man does help me with the lawn work now. I hate mowing with a passion. Again, she has a uti, and it is making her sick and more irritable. Her knees are giving her problems too. she can not walk much at all without the cane or walker. She keeps telling me that she doesnt need them, but funny thing is that she is always getting off balance and falling.
Cathy hope this finds your dad doing much better. marylynne, i hope your depression has lifted somewhat and the addition is soon finished.
judy, i am glad you got the kitties. i know that they are adorable. I love cats and would like to have one, but, just havent had time to find one. I have my dog, and my mom thinks she needs to eat multiple times daily, so the poor thing is getting so fat she can hardly walk. at least a cat would only eat til they are full regardless of how much you gave them. I am always delighted to read all of your postings, makes me feel better that others have the same problems as i and that i am not just an old meanie. love to all of u, donna

Dear Donna,

How I feel the same things you do. I was just thinking today, when my brother told me he has a whole week off next week, that I want that kind of life. I want to leave the house without worrying that I will be yelled at because I took so long. I want to be able to spend a whole weekend with my husband and children without her tagging along, or without feeling guilty that I didn't ask her to go. I want to go on vacation without having to make arrangements for them to have someone to keep them. I want to go on vacation without having to call and check on them. And I know I am doing this to myself. I should be selfish and say I am going, take care of yourselves and I don't care how you manage. But, I am not like that. I will worry whether I go or not. Last year when I went on that 3 day thing, I was so miserable with worry, it did me no good.

I WANT A LIFE!!! WITHOUT THEM AND I DON'T CARE WHAT ANY BODY THINKS OF ME FOR SAYING IT. I AM FED UP.

The addition is not even doing me any good. She has something to say about everything. She made a nasty comment about something and I said if you don't like it, I'll buy you out and you can go. She shut up real quick then.

Why do we have such mean, hateful, selfish parents. I don't even care that its the illness that it is doing it to my dad. I don't deserve it. I can't stand to hear my Mom tell my brother who does nothing for her, that she misses talking to him.

I just had to vent. I HATE THEM ALL TODAY AND ALMOST EVERYDAY.

lOVE,

MARYLYNNE

Yep, I can see it's been another day in paradise, Marylynne. I feel the way you do too. That no matter what move we make we must think about our parents and are not free. That is just the way it is and it is the pits. I hear in most families usually one kid takes the brunt of the parents care. Only other way is to stop caring for them at all. Last week I was almost there with my mother. Then she apologized. I just think that your mom and my mom are very negative, critical and unhappy people, Marylynne. They take out their negative emotions anyway and on anyone especially family. You put her in her place with your comment about buying her out. Problem is that you gave so much earlier on when they were younger and they have required and demanded even more as they have aged that you are dry with not much to give anymore. You are so burnt out you almost don't care anymore either. My Mother has also been a drain all these years but I had some reprieve cause my sister lived at home and there were times that I cut off connection with my mother because of her behavior. Once it was for 9 months and the second time for 13 months. Those were less stressed times but even then in my heart there was something missing not having any connection with my mother so of course I had to apologize..etc..After I had words with my mother following her overnight hospitalization my mother said to me "Well what are you going to do now?" She expected me to tell her to move out etc. I said I am going to do nothing I am going to continue as I have been doing...(but I said to myself I would not beat myself up trying to please and satisfy her anymore. I would do things to my satisfaction and if she didn't like it tough she could choose to stay or leave). I felt bad for her because I realized she thought I was going to tell her to go because of her behavior. It is so hard loving them. Namely, my mother. She needs and wants to be loved but she pushes that love away. She is so afraid to be abandoned. Yet, her behavior makes you want to abandon her.
Donna, I didn't want to get out of bed this am. It is easy to get down in our situation. My mother always comments on how long it took me to run an errand etc. It does make one nervous. Sorry to hear about your Mother's Uti. My mother had one too they discovered it in the hospital. It was mild and they treated it with antibiotics. I wonder if uti's are common among the elderly women. Hope things are better for you tomorrow, Donna. It is all up to us to do or see that everything gets done. I am behind myself. Guess it could be worse.
Judy, it is difficult to see your father decline. I have noticed my dad is declining too. Both parents appetites are being affected. Dad will hide what he doesn't finish now. Getting water down him is a battle. He was hospitalized for renal failure and almost died once before. Have you tried the ensure plus milkshakes? There was a tip here to mix the vanilla or strawberry ones with fresh berries..and to mix the chocolate ones with almond roca. I have meant to try it on my mom. She has had ensure before and hates it. Thought the fruit might help. Does your dad spend most of his time in bed? My dad and mom sit in their easy chairs in their rooms. My dad has his door open and watches or gazes at the tv..My mom closes her door. Anyways late here and I have to drive an hour to take mom to the dr tomorrow (dad comes too of course)...Night and have a good tomorrow,girls.
Cathy....how is your father doing? Hope he is improving every day.
Love and hugs
Cindi

Dear Marylynne, hon i do not fault you for saying the very things i feel. In my mind, every time my mom does something or says something stupid, i think to my self, the old witch. i hate her. yes, i feel that way too. and, couldnt actually say it to anyone but you all, and my son who also bears the brunt of her hatefulness. May be time for you to be looking into homes too. actually, they are driving you nuts and you do not deserve this. well, i guess we all have the same kind of parents. At least i only have one to deal with instead of the two that you have. it is really late and i am tired, but couldnt go to bed without answering your letter. i love you, hate to see you so upset, maybe tomorrow will be better for us all. donna

well boy do i no what your going through i have had my mother living with me since 1992 i have given up im the only girl and im 43 i have 4 brothers that go when thay want .thay have familys ,are in the miltary living good i was taken out of a trainning program 3yrs ago due to my mother getting sick and i taken care of her with no help and just last year my mother left me to go live with my brothers and guess what she came back in feb,of this year.but wait she did not leave untill june07,i was married for 9yrs but thats now over we have been separeted for the last year.money wise i dont even no how i make it i love my mom to its just she has a lot of medical problems thay took her off her medicaid,and she does not get alot from her social securty.but it helps between my rent and light bill all i can say is help is there anyone out there that can ponit me in the right way to get help

Marylynne, I say the same things don't feel bad. We all want to run our lives without them. I had a conversation with my 15 year old last night about the home situation. He too thinks we are the only ones that have to live like this, I told him that is not so, that people are living longer and some of his friends will be in the same place as we are. My dad was 50 when I was born, some ppl I know have younger parents, some of their parents are deceased already. He said it wasn't fair for me I said my parents never abandoned me so I can't do that to them.
I told him of your daughter and the other children that we know are living this way.

I miss just saying yes to going on a weekend trip, and I hesitate to cimmitting to a 9 day vacation but I tell myself that i have a husband that works for a break and two sons that I need to spend family time with and that gives me the strength to go. If I don't they will hold it against me.

Donna glad to hear from you.
I am worried about cathy's Dad we haven't heard I suppose she is at the hospital and spending time with her brother.

Nickey, Seems like you are in the same situation with family members that don't help. Really don't have a solution for that, I am an only child and have both parents at home. The other girls don't get much help from their siblings. Keep writing at least that helps.

something really stupid happened this morning, came downstairs at 6:00 am and the heat wasn't on and it was 66 degrees cold so I flipped the heat on my mother got up at 9 am and said she was freezing all night I told her the heat was off she said I tried to push the switch and it wouldn't move, I had no problem moving it, naturally it wasn't her fault, it was the thermastat. And she went on and on and on, like she always does. Its a piece of **** like everything else in this house. I didn't say anymore button my lip.
Better day for everyone OXOXOX Judy

Found this website this morning (5/28/08). My mom has been here almost a year. We had to put my Dad in an Alzheimers care facility Apr. of 07. He died this March. I felt like we were holding our own until about this past month. My mom is 87, very alert and still driving (she's very independent). I feel like she is very critical and has told me almost all my life that I'm snippy. I have an older brother and younger sister who "apparently" are not snippy. They both tune her out. If everyone is over for dinner and I'm trying to get everything together, my brother is eating off the serving dishes before I get it to the table and my sister is usually just sitting there, not helping. If I make a comment, I'm told to take a chill pill. I feel I have been responsible for finding a facility for my Dad, having my mom stay with my husband, son and I, and help her handle a lot of situations we came across in our journey with my Dad's illness. My oldest son and his wife are expecting a baby and I plan to watch it for the first year. My mom told me to think about that since I could hardly stand my own kids! She told my daughter-in-law that a lot of first pregnancies end in miscarriage! If I say anything, I'm critical or snippy. I'm at a total loss. Now she says she shouldn't have moved in she feels like she has to walk on eggs around me. I asked if she would be happier with my brother or sister and she said "no".

Marylynne,

I certainly have no affection for my mother. And I've been through the hate stage.

Now I am just numb. I have even stopped wanting to go on vacation. I am burned out and I don't know what comes after that stage.

I'm in a very prolonged death watch. I wait.

I think it is good to have an abandonment card to play. It keeps a lid on the nasty behavior.

Dear girls,

I was talking to my best friend today and she asked what would make me happy? I told her, if God could tell me that I would survive them, and live to have a life. He wouldn't have to tell me when or how long it will take, just that it will happen and I would go on taking care of them with a good heart.

I feel so selfish.....But I can't help the way I feel.

Love to all of you, Will write later when no one is around.

Love,
Marylynne

Dear Maggiesue,

Believe it or not, I believe I was born for my mother's sanity. She had a nervous breakdown before I was born. She was a good mother, I can't take that away from her, but always very selfish.

She never let me live my own life. I guess because my dad took sick when I was 25. She couldn't drive, so I had to take over most things. I raised my children in hospitals and never went anywhere with my husband or children as a family. Always included them.

I am with you I just don't even care about vacations any more. I told my husband to take my little girl to Florida and let her have fun. I am just to miserable of a human being to bring any one joy at the moment. My husband, luckily, understands the situation now. For the last 20 years, he didn't. Gave me hell about taking care of my parents. Then his parents took ill at the same time. His Dad died and his mother has alzheimers. He understands now what I have been going through for 20 years. I told him he was just lucky that it just happened to him.

Since you have gone through the hate stage, does it ever go away. I am starting to feel numb. Just go along with whatever they say, even though I know they're wrong. Sounds like you are in my head right now.

Glad to talk to you. You made me feel better to know someone else feels the same way.

Love,
Marylynne

today, i thought i was going to get to go to the store alone, but, wait, someone else wants to go ohh my mom wants to tag along. she has a walker, and an attitude, but, old donna is strong and will take care of all of it. yes, there are no handicapped spots left, well that is ok, i will park at the door and help you get out of the car and get the blasted walker out, and then iw ill find a parking place and walk about 6 blocks to get back to the store, in time to learn that you have totally dissappeared. dangit. now i know that walker squeaks, why cant i hear it now? Omg. another day and finally it is over with. She is in bed. i stay up late, because it is my only time for myself, even though most days i feel like a zombie from lack of sleep. No one knows what we all go thru with. I feel like i am on a 10 year pity party, and no one is there but me. Maybe that is the answer. maybe i should open my eyes and see that no one cares, and that my attitude needs an adjustment. Maybe tomorrow i will try to be nice. Maybe i can overlook the laundry all being thrown in the washer together, red shirts with whites, jeans with sheets, what the heck. at least they are clean. Maybe i wont feel like i am left out of life because i cant talk on phone or visit with my friends. maybe, maybe maybe. yep this is it, girls i have totally lost it. hope all of you are doing ok. and though i may seem selfish, i am glad that at least i am not the only one who feels the hatred and disgust. love, donna

Hi girlfriends and caregivers: Oh, Donna I feel for you Honey. There are days like that and it really sucks big time. When I get like that I need a break pronto. There are days that I mimic in my mind what she says, or how she feels or how she is going to act next. There are days when I feel like a slave and she is the queen and everything I do is for her with no appreciation or realization on her part of what I go through and what I do for her, how much it takes out of me. Please find a way to sneak some time in for yourself, somehow, someway. Staying up late is good but need sleep too. So hard to balance it out. I feel left out too. My friends kids are all grown and they get together and do things and I cannot many times. I got together the other day memorial weekend for 3 hours, hubby came too. Mom didn't want me to hire a caregiver so she stayed with dad. That was a biggie for her and a first. I think it was because she was acting so bad last week that is why she was more giving. But, even when I go I feel like it is on borrowed time, but better then nothing I suppose. Like you all said even when I go on my days away etc..I have to do so much in prepping things it is hard. It's like we aren't free to be...hey we aren'T...what a realization. But, we must find a balance somehow or continue working on one. We must take time for ourselves or we will crack up, break down etc. Even with the little breaks it is all way too much. And, yes maybe we have bad attitudes sometimes or even often times...maybe we are more like our Moms then we thought after all they were our models. Maybe we are complainers but too bad we are doing the best we can and at least we can come to a place and know we aren't being judged. We know you all can empathize and know or have a very good idea of how it feels. I love you all. You are wonderful women and men.
Marylynne, I also wonder if I will have any or much life left after my parents are gone or after I no longer can care for them..whichever comes first. I have never lived my life for me. I don't think I know how to. My health is not good it just is...so it is very much a fact that I could die before or at least shortly after them. I need to take better care of myself especially the excess weight but I am an emotional eater....need I say more?.... My husband and daughter want me to get a gastric bypass. Husband feels I cannot lose the weight on my own with the stressors I have and how I am emotionally. He is probably right. AT least 3 doctors said my diabetes would be so much better if I had the surgery. I am scared to have it. Plus how the heck am I going to take care of myself and parents postop. There is alot to adjust to and do once you have the surgery. My girlfriend had it. She couldn't eat for a few months..had to crush her meds etc. What time and energy do I have for that? But, it is apparent that soon I will have to do something drastic. Marylynne, I think the phase you are getting to next is indifference. It's where you don't care anymore about anything you just go on robotic behavior and exist. I feel for you. I feel for all of us. It makes me sad. It hurts my heart. We all have our battles in life. We all know what ours are...caring for our parents.
Tennis, you are doing your best. Snippy or not. You don't want to be snippy. Tell your mom you are doing your best (and of course do it)...if you get snippy sometime you are sorry...but like you said...offer her to live with another sibling if your personalities aren't working. Also, there are senior residences (which are costly my mom lived in one for 17 months). You know, girls there is no happy medium. All options offer choices negative and positive. Parents need to choose and then learn to adjust and cope. It is sad for our parents and for us, no doubt. We chose to take care of our parents and we continue to choose it, and we all know the secret hell that comes with it. Here we can let loose, let down our hair and tell it like it is...or at least tell it like we are feeling it. And, yes maybe we are negative, maybe we need an attitude adjustment now and then...so what if we do we are doing the best we can for people who deserve the best we can give...our parents. We are loving and caring for people who often times by their behavior and treatment of us do not deserve our care, and that is the hardest thing of all.
But, they need us...girls. What are we to do....and how far do we take it before we need help.
Nickey, you are doing your best....if siblings won't help then only are left. Up to you to choose taking care of your mom or having someplace else take care of her. This is a hard path and it isn't for sissies. Your mom is lucky to have you. Good luck and come here if it helps you...it helps me.

Getting concerned about Cathy...how is she, how is dad...she must be going through hell right now..

Love to all of you and your parents...
Cindi