My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
So would you do it before or wait until after? I know he doesn't really want to wait, but I am afraid of having to plan a funeral before vacation if something goes wrong during surgery. I know I shouldn't think that way but he will be 95 on the 30th of june. I'm going to see what the doc recommends.
finally got the BM going used suppositorries NO I didn't put them in him I told my mom I draw the line there she had to do it. She complained that she had to clean him up and that it smelled.
Take care everyone oxoxoxoxo Judy
good idea to see what the doctor recommends. Can Dad live with the pain for another month? Does doctor suggest he have it sooner? I don't blame you about wanting to do it after and being afraid of him not making it. Good that you made your mom do it...suppository. My Mom probably would not do it.
What a glamorous life we lead...
Cindi
Do it after vacation. You need the time away to be able to face whatever is coming. He has lasted this long with it. What about lithotripsy. My mom had that, where they used ultrasound technology to crush the stone into small pieces. Is that what they are going to do, or actually go in and get it.
Wait and have a vacation first.
Love,
Marylynne
My story -- I tried to post earlier and it got "lost" so I will try to re-create my post.
My mom and step-dad have lived with us for 8 years. We bought our house specifically because it was large enough to build an apartment in the lower half for my folks and we live in the upper half of the split level. My parents didn't prepare for retirement and they were at the point of not being able to buy food, medicine and shelter. They used the proceeds of the sale of their trailer -- 14K to remodel the lower half of the house into a full apartment. We did all the labor and we were able to build a large kitchen (dishwasher included), large bathroom, large bedroom, large living room with sliding glass doors and they even got the garage. My husband worked himself to death to get it to be very nice -- my mom bitched about everything he did, but he was wonderful and did a fantastic job.
My mom and I used to get along well. I had lived away for many years and I guess the fact that I only had to take her in "small doses" made it so I could deal with her. My husband used to like her very much.
When we first moved in, we saw each other everyday and ate meals together several times per week. Then mom started to really bitch about everything. Then she started demanding that I take care of her -- call her doctors late at night, take her to the emergency room (there was always nothing wrong), invite her friends to every social event I had, fix her computer, fix her cable, hold every family gathering, be her counselor while she complained about my biological father who had just died, complain about my paternal grandmother who had died, complain about my sister who stopped talking her years before -- I was so tired I nealy lost my job. My friends stopped coming to my house.
My husband stepped in and told her she had to stop. He also told her that if she wanted to keep her part of the house 90 degrees at all times she would have to pay for the bill. He also demanded that they stop coming into our part of the house whenever they wanted. Things only got worse after that. My mom told my siblings that I was trying to steal from her. One of my brothers still believes it! We pay all the bills except their phone and food! Now my mom tells anyone who will listen how mean my husband is. She even told my niece not to let my husband play with the kids because he was so mean -- She said it in front of everyone!
I hate to be around her. I cringe when she calls me. I avoid her. I hate coming home. It's not my home. I have started to refer to her as "bone crushing negativity" -- I used to love this woman very much!
My siblings don't help or do anything to help me. My oldest sister hasn't talked to mom in 10 years. My step-brother moved away and thinks I am stealing from them even though we don't take a penny from them. My other sister will come to visit or try to help, but she is mad at me because I cornered her and told her she had to. She is very angry at me tonight because I wouldn't go out to dinner for mom's birthday. I refuse to be bitched at and then have to pay the bill for dinner. Also, they don't invite my husband -- it's always "girls nite" because he won't take her shit.
Also, my mom let my nephew into my side of the house when no one was home several times without telling me and he has been stealing my daughter's bras, underwear and swimsuits. I confronted my sister with it and she refused to believe it until I caught him red-handed. She made him return one bra she found. He has stolen 10 bras, 2 swimsuits and 20 pairs of underwear over the last three years. My sister doesn't think it is a big deal and has tried to make my daughter feel bad. I told my mother not to let me nephew in my side of the house and she told me she couldn't get involved. My daughter now does not feel safe in her own home. She has to lock her bedroom whenever she leaves the house!
I have re-read this post and I can't believe I am saying these things "aloud". I want out of this house -- I want out of this situation, but I don't know how to get out.
Judy, take your trip, then worry about the surgery. Like marylynne said, he has lived with it this long, a few more weeks wont be too bad.
Cindi, you are so right!! we do have very exciting and glamorous lives. I spent the better part of the day in the e r with my mom. so exciting. I was ready to eat nail soup, because we were there before several others, but seems that they were seen and leaving before we were ever even seen, then when finally we saw the doc, she said there was nothing wrong with my mom, altho she has had a headache and been listless for about 4 days now. I didnt want to go to emergency room, but my nephew insisted that she needed to he seen. Her primary care doc was out of town, and his office said take her to er. IT IS ALWAYS THE SAME DAMNED THING. medicare would not pay for them to admit her, to my disgust. i dont know why they couldnt put her in hospital and run intravenous antibiotics to get rid of the kidney infection once and for all, but, NOOOOO, medicare has its guidelines you know. kinda pathetic that you are so tired that you would like to put them anywhere to get them out of your sight for a while. dont mind me, just rambling on, pissed tired and mad. donna
Maggie, glad you are here, don't feel bad about the way you react to your mom. We are adults and they tend to forget that. My mom doesn't like my husband either because he won't take her BS. She doesn't show any respect for anyone yet she feels entitled to all the respect from everyone else.
Your mom said she couldn't get involved with in telling your nephew not to go into your house well she became involved when she let him in. I would install those mini alarms that when you open the door they go off and maybe he'll get scared and change his mind.
We all are living with tirrants for mothers, dictators, slave drivers, queens to just discribe a few. Sometimes I feel like Cinderella, cooking, cleaning, etc. have the prince already, just waiting to be free of the wicked mother.
Donna, cindi, marylynne thanks for the vacation support, oxoxoxo Judy
I am writing this, while I feel that my head will blow off from crying so much today. My mom and I had it out. She accused me of buying things for my new house and not offering to do the same for her. I have showed her everything I bought as it was delivered and have worked like a tyrant to get her addition finished. She doesn't remember me showing her the things I bought and don't understand that we can't buy things for her addition, until I could get window measurements and so forth. We have bought her bed spreads and curtains and so forth, but accused me of not letting her in on things. I WENT BOLISTIC!!! I told her that I did not choose to live with them, they chose to live with me. I told her I can't handle this life anymore. As usual, she won't take the blame for anything, it is never her fault.
She told me, maybe we should have never built this addition. I told her I would buy her out of it. I would make a loan. Then she accused me of having more money then I say I have. She said I cut her to the heart by saying I would buy her out. I think she is nuts, I know she is nuts. My heart rate went crazy and my blood pressure went sky high. She came and sat by me and everytime she did, I moved. She won't apologize, she said she has done nothing wrong. She said she has never asked me to do any of the things I do. I said, so where would you be if I didn't do them. She said she doesn't know. I can't stand it any more. I feel so unloved and so unappreciated. Its like everyone takes advantage of me because they can. I let them. I did this to myself. I have no one to blame but me. I told her that too.
Feeling very sad for myself, not trying to be a martyr. I need to change myself and not care about them. They don't care about me. I told her that with everything I do for them, she ought not to ever fight with me. She should overlook things. I think she is so forgetful that she can't remember anything any more.
Feel like I don't matter.
Marylynne
I can totally relate -- I read your post and I just kept nodding. I am sorry that this is happening to you.
It is so. . . hard to ignore hurtful and insulting words -- Yeah, yeah sticks and stones may break my bones -- until it comes from someone you love.
It's so interesting that I have spent the day trying to figure out how to tell my Mom that I want to buy her out of the house. She made renovations to my house and I feel that I must pay her back if I ask her to move. You were so brave to actually talk about this -- I wish I could "go balistic" and say everything I feel. I fe3el like such an idiot for letting my life become so messed up.
I did the unthinkable today -- my mom called the ambulance and I didn't go to her side or make contact of any kind. I believe she was making me pay for not taking her out to dinner for her birthday. My step-dad screamed up the stairs that the ambulance was on it's way and I ignored him. My husband -- went balistic -- threw the groceries we had just bought around the kitchen. The ambulance left without mom inside -- we watched from the window. Would an ambulance leave someone who truely needed care?
Someday it won't be a manipulative ploy and I will be sorry.
Maggie, your mom probably refused to go with them because they will take you if something is really wrong so it couldn't have been bad.
Sent my youngest son to scout camp for the week he'll be back Saturday, I wish I could have gone with him and the rest of the troop, but I can't. I have to contact the home care on Tuesday and have them come out for an evaluation before vacation.
Later Judy
Don't you hate that you can't go with your kids. I always have to send my little one to dance camp with some other mom, because I can't go. You are right she practically told me today that I owe her for everything she has ever done for me. I told her thats what parents are supposed to do. Children are don't have to take care of their parents unless they want to. And they don't want to when they are unappreciated and unloved. RIGHT!
Have a wonderful vacation for all of us, will you. I would like to hear that someone enjoyed themselves.
Love,
Marylynne
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I read your posts and I can understand everything that I read.
Our society is so unprepared for aging that when a child takes a parent into their home, it is seen as "the end". No more support.
I am at my wits end and maybe if I had some support from my siblings or anyone, I would not be in such bad shape.
I don't believe government is the answer, but family should appreciate the efforts and the stain of those caring for aging parents. My siblings don't think that I am enduring any stain or stress -- my folks don't affect me at all. Yeah right.
My aging folks think they are angels. Any problems must be because of me -- it couldn't be them!! They are old and weak -- how could they affect my life.
Everyone here feels guilty!
EVeryone here feels like a complete failure!
How could doing something so unselfish turn into the worst mistake of your life?
I am curious, How do your perceptions of your siblings from when you were growing up, compare to how they treat your situation?
My sister, Julie, was always self-centered when we were growing up, but as we got older I thought she became more "human" -- She encouraged me to take mom in and although she caused me work, she seemed okay.
When things were not going well, she became worse than I remembered as a child. Self-centered and narcasitic don't describe it.
Does anyone have the same experience?
Today the docs office called with the results of her bloodwork and left a message, who knows why she didn't answer the phone. They told her to call back to confirm she got the message, she can't even do that right, she stumbles around with what to say. I don't like to do everything for her when she is capable of doing a simple thing like a phone call. I told her the test is called protime and she said " well I'm stupid" I said " no you just need to pay more attention" she kept on about being stupid.
If we didn't go to their appts. what a disaster that would be they wouldn't get anything right, I told her it could be dangerous if you don't pay attention.
Today is my Dad's birthday I don't think he realized it, we actually sang happy bday to him on sat. before my son left for camp. Didn't start out too well for me today he wanted coffee at 7 am, then complained about the soup I bought him for lunch, had roasted chicken for dinner, and asked what the date was thought it was the 3rd.
Made some calls today to set up the home care to come while I am away, wanted to go through the insurance they told me I had to get a perscription from the doctor for the insurance to be billed, otherwise its $800.00 ahead of time. I have a call in to the doctor. Happy monday oxoxoox Judy
Maggie, yes my sister had always been catered and pampered and although I didn't realize it she was self-centered. This has carried over to my parents. She was helping me take care of my dad in the beginning but soon petered out. She is now unable to help because she is unstable emotionally and mentally. I hope in the future there will be more support for those of us who are caretakers for our aging parents. I am not sure why most of the work falls on one adult child but I have heard it does. I guess the one who has them most of the time is the one who it falls on. The other siblings figure we do it best I guess and also they don't want to be stuck in case we decide to give it over to them.
Marylynne, I think being unappreciated and having to take the blunt of their angry/sad emotions is the hardest part of taking care of our parents. Feeling unloved, and unappreciated makes us not be able to feel the good feelings of our efforts, of all that we give up, all that we do...it makes one angry, hurt and resentful. Marylynne, I know how you feel you are going to blow a fuse and it is so hurtful, frustrating, to argue with them. If you say A then say B, if you say A they say why A? It's as if they are evil mean thinkers and have such a feeling of worthlessness it's always why me? Makes you want to bang your head against the wall. Sorry you had such a bad day the other day. Hope things are calmer.
Judy, how are things with your dad? Hear from the doctor? Glad you will be getting away soon. You all need it.
Donna, how are things with Mom. You took her to the ER the other day. Only for them to say she is okay. Is she better? How are you holding up?
Cathy, hope you are doing okay.
Anita and Minion same goes for you both.
Write again soon
Cindi
Everyone sang to me and we had cake, ice cream, some gifts, flowers. Later my grandkids went home and 2 gfs and jeff one of their boyfriends came over for cake and to have some chili I made. We later all went to see the dodgers vs angels. Dodgers won! After the game we went out for Tommy burgers which is a tradition after the game. Got home 1:30am boy I have not recovered. Daughter took care of my dad and mom so the caregiver didn't have to come. Yesterday (real birthday) we went to see a movie Wall-E then later dinner at a Japanese restaurant. Mom paid some of it. She offered but didn't want her to pay it all.
She gave me some nice skin care products. I had stopped buying it too expensive. Daughter just went home. It is a 5 hour drive. Long story but she had some drama with her ex bf so a male friend drove down and is driving her home. He spent the night on the sofa. Good to have less people in my small house now that they left.
Judy, hate it when the day is harder then usual and the parents are in a bad mood. Hard to please. Happy Birthday to your Father! 95 is a milestone. As far as mom, my mother always has me to do most things. She says she can't do it, they understand me better..etc. Or, else she does do it but she gets confused. Guess it comes with the territory but it can be very frustrating.
The parents are in their rooms. Already gave dad his night meds hope I can relax tonight. Will be anxious though until I hear that daughter got back safely. Always something, huh.
Hugs
Cindi May this week be better
You deserved to have a HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. It was great that you had such a surprise. Happy Birthday from me also. What birthday was it? 29 How was WALL-E want to take my daughter to see that. We enjoy seeing movies together. It is our girl time.
Don't worry about daughter, she will make it just fine.
Today, went to act-of-sale on the house I am living in. Now I am renting for a month till I can get in my new house. Mom is getting nervous about the move. She cannot stand change. Dad has been acting funny today, had to see if he was breathing several times today. I think I am paranoid sometimes.
Judy, can't wait for you to go on vacation. Hope you have lots of fun.
Maggie, question about siblings. My oldest brother was always an asshole as long as I can remember. But, my other brother and I were super close. Now that I have my parents, he wants nothing to do with them. They both told me that I did this to myself and that if I died tomorrow, my mother would replace me like an employee. I kind of believe that now. I didn't at one time.
Donna, Miss hearing from you. Hope everything with Mom is fine.
Have to tell all of you a story. My husbands mother wandered out of the house last night while one of my husband's brothers was sleeping on the sofa. She walked several miles in her pajamas to a very dangerous highway. Police officers found her, she knew her name, so they looked it up in the phone book and brought her home. My brother-in-law was already out looking for her. For those who are dealing with alzheimers, does your parents wander. Cindi?, Donna?
Love to all,
Marylynne
Yesterday was horrible for me. My mom decided to move. yes, she is going to rent an apartment and live alone. This all came about because Don and i left and went to the casino for a couple of hours. I said fine, we will go look for something today. she then started backing down. I said well, can you take care of everything yourself? she said well, you leave me here by myself, i may as well be by myself. Then you have that man here. I dont approve of this "living together" and think it is wrong. I told her that i didnt especially approve of it myself, but, at this point, with my income, it is the smartest thing to do. I would marry him in a heartbeat, but,,,, need to think of myself on this one. she ranted and raved on and on all day long. i lost my temper and called her a mean old bitch, and was sorry, but, that is exactly the way i felt. Then last night she started acting so sweety sweet, that i just want to bust her ass like a small child. I am angry with her still and would love to send her to the moon. or anywhere where i am not. She toddles out to my sons apartment, and tries to get him to side with her on issues that she makes up. she is vicious, mean, hateful. I CAN NOT STAND HER. she is the type of person who would do anything to her own daughter, if it made her look good..girls, i am not in this for much longer. i am beyond depressed. I hate her and everything she stands for. so sorry girls nothing good to say. cindi, happy belated birthday. and marylynne, she doesnt wander, but if she did, i wouldnt look for her mean old ass. Donna
Mother's bones still hurt. She is in constant pain slightly relieved with vicodin and aleve. Taking her to Santa Barbara 45 minutes away for an x-ray then back on Thursday to see her doctor. They don't know what is causing the pain. Might be the cellulitis she had almost 2 weeks ago or a reaction to the antibiotics she received. They are having some tribute to veterans at her old senior residence and she wants to go for the bbq etc. So, taking her and dad there first then to SB. After all the birthday festivities (which aren't over completely yet few friends want to take me out to lunch etc) and my daughter leaving I am feeling the letdown. Seems like life is mundane again with the things we do and must do with parents and life in general. Keep on trudging on I guess. Pretty day here at least. Home here with the old people, the dog and the bird. The dog comforts me a bit. All I really would like to do is jump back into bed and read maybe. Then the day could go into night and I could sleep. Think I will feel better as the day goes on...I hope.
Have a good Tuesday. It is a new month!
Hugs to you all
Cindi
Haven't heard from the doc yet waiting. No I don't have wandering parents, and I would look for my Dad but let my mom walk for a long while.
Donna the other day my dad was going to build himself a little place out in the woods. He can't even see. He for sure cannot be alone. And my mom said she just wants to be alone yesterday and I said you can't be alone you can't get anywhere by yourself.
I make all the dr. appts for Dad, I communicate with the drs and I pick up all his meds, do all his banking, write all his bills and now she has the nerve to say she's going to tell the doctor that she wants him in the hospital right away, thats fine let her do the job she is supposed to do. If the doc calls I'm handing the phone to her.
Had the social worker come today to ask my Dad questions about his health and any issues the home health aid will have to deal with. Though he may end up in the hospital before I leave.
oxoxoxo judy
Judy, everytime the long term health company calls, my mom insists on answering all the questions and then asks me for the answers. She is so independent. The old people always threaten to go in the hospital on holidays and vacations. So go any way not matter what. Listen, who is giving advice, the one that can't go any where.
Cindi, I too so mornings want to just stay in bed and never get up. I wonder what they would think, if I just said, I am not getting up today. I get tired of the doctor appointment stuff. My dad can hardly get in the car now. He shakes so badly transferring from the wheelchair to the car. Home health will not come, because there is not three things wrong with him right now. I don't understand, if you can't get your dad in the car to do bloodwork and doctor appts., why won't home health come out? He is wheelchair bound and hard to move. It is so unfair.
Feeling like my usual lovely self, depressed and don't care about anything. My mother says, you have everything to look forward to a new house and a new life. Yeah, a new life with old people for the rest of my life. Fun!!!
Love,
marylynne
Your post hits home. Your anger and frustration at being manipulated are palpable. I think being manipulated is the worst feeling in the whole world -- maybe because it's happened to me so many times.
Looking good is also important to my mom. She would destroy me, my marriage and my relationship with my own daughter to look good. (She has proven this in the past)
Your mom, like mine, must know how unhappy you are and how destructive this whole situation is for your life. What makes her stay with you -- is it financial?
I don't know why my mom stays with me.
I am starting therapy next week -- I've got to believe that I am a good person. I've got to get some self-esteem back. I am going to talk to the therapist about seriously asking my mom to leave my house. I think I fear that I will end up feeling worse after she leaves. My siblings will never speak to me again -- that might not be a great loss, but it's scary not to lose my entire family.
Marylynne, maybe you should talk to your doctor about the home health care thing. I am sure that there is some way they could see your dad. There are always ways around these danged medicare rules. I know, have seen it done. If nothig else, have him contact another home health company. This is bs that they are not coming in to help you especially with the blood work and stuff.
My mom has home health and there is not too much physically wrong with her other than her recurring utis. It all depends on how the doctor writes the order. Judy, hoping that your mom will not spoil your vacation for you. sounds like she is hell bent to do so. Don't you just love it? OLD WOMEN IN CONTROL. we must be idiots to let this go on.
Cindi, so nice for you that so many want to celebrate your birthday with you. Just proves what i have always thought, you are a wonderful gal.
have a great day all,. Donna
I tols my mom yesterday I wasn't changing my plans then she walks around the house like a cock rooster GO AHEAD AND GO!!! then she is in my Dad's room in his face saying she doesn't make all the decisions around here.
I'm even afraid to leave the kittens with her she yells at them and speaks to them like they can understand every word. RANTS and RAVES I couldn't live with myself if I was like that. I'm glad to be me.
maggie, you have to have the feeling of being above them and feel good to be the person that you are. We are all doing only the best we know how and can't be asked to do more. We all need to hold our heads high because this is not a job everyone can do, look at all the family members that aren't doing this job.
You are entitled to some free time and I'm glad you are not letting her get away with manipulating and guilting you. My mother also told me a few weeks ago that maybe she will go back to the senior living because I am hardly home. I told her mom, I am home. Just happens lots of things are coming up now. But, I am home more then not for sure. When I do go I make sure there is someone here (husband or caregiver) and I take care of all of there needs. I also said but if you are not happy here or satisfied than you do whatever you think you need to do. So if your mother is not happy about you taking time off then she can decide to move somewhere else. You can't survive locked up with her 24/7. You need time to recuperate and rejuvenite yourself in order to go on taking care of her.
Marylynne, I wonder why they won't go to your home to do some of these services. Like the other girls said look into it more. Can your dad or mom qualify for medi-cal, medicaid? My parents can't unfortunately. Here in CA if my dad was on medicaid I could be paid for my services. As far as mom saying you should be happy, just tell her you are not. Sorry, for all the hard times hoping the addition will help. Kind of exciting moving to a new house although headaches too.
Judy getting excited for you about vacation. Looks like things are coming together for dad and healthcare. Your mom will rant, let her. You are still going. She can't manipulate or guilt you into not going. You need this for your sanity and you need some time with your family.
Maggie, I am glad you are getting some counseling. I just went to see my counselor today it made me feel better. My Mother had nothing but negative things to say of course. I told her she helps me (counseler). I have a crazy chaotic family and this helps me stay balanced. My counselor (who is like a second mom now to me) told me I am too nice and I must take care of myself better...which in my current situation means I have to tell my sister that she cannot stay with us at all. Her BF is having her evicted if she does not move out soon. He has told her a number of times but she has done nothing about it. She asked me yesterday if she could stay with me in an emergency and I said yes.
Dummy me..I did say it wouldn't work for her to stay here and it would have to be a very short time only. But everyone, (husband, daughter, counselor) feels that she should not be let in at all. She is toxic to me. So is my mom...hah! Counselor told me not to move mom in either but mom was so depressed I had to offer her to move in but with some conditions. She fights me on the conditions especially when she is doing bad which was just 2 weeks ago. But, I hold my ground it's just not easy. As Donna said you would think these moms would think of us seeing that we are their daughters. But, I know my mother always chooses herself over me or anyone else. That hurts and is hard to take. Especially when I have chosen to take care of her and dad and I know she would NEVER do anything like that for me. Going to take some time off tonight girls. My weekly time off but cutting it down to save money from caregiver. Going to make dinner and have hubby serve my dad his dinner and give him his bedtime pills. That's all he has to do for me. My husband has been a good source of support to me. Thank God for that.
Love you all...
P.S. thinking of you Cathy, Susan and Minion
Cindi
I think of you all often. Finding time to read and write postings now that school is out has been difficult.
Cindi I am sorry I missed your birthday. I hope you had a nice one. I had a piece of chocolate cake in your honor tonight. Actually I just needed chocolate. HAHA.
You are very lucky to have a husband that is there to help. Mine is working two jobs and will only be here on weekends to help. Dad is coming home tomorrow. I am scared to death. He is worse than he was before surgery. No strenght. They say he will do better at home with home health care.
Marylynne I am behind you. stand your ground with mom. Its not easy, but she will never back off unless you make her. She can take some responsibility for dad. She married him, not you. I know dads can be easier to deal with. I hope yours is. My father has always said you cannot have two mothers in one house. It dosen't work. I truly hope you had a good day today.
Judy, HAVE THE BEST TIME!!!!!! I can do nothing but smile everytime I think of you on vacation. Have a great one for all of us! DO NOT LET BEAST WOMAN RUIN IT!!!!!!!( sorry about calling your mom beast woman, it was the nicest thing I could think of) I know somewhere in you you love her, but don't let her take this away.
Donna it is good to see,read your old self again. You seen much stronger. That makes me smile. I'm sorry you are not feeling well. I will check tomorrow to see how you are feeling.
Maggie hang in there. These ladies can get you through anything with your mom. Therapy works too.
Wish me luck.
hugs, Cathy
Had a very bad day the last two days. Dad has been acting up. Think its testosteronal...if thats a word. My mom is mean, I grant you that, but he is so demanding. If she forgets something, he starts pounding on his table, like a little child. I went in there and asked him what did he want. He was mad because my mom forgot to pour him drink. I told him, he can pour his own drink. The thing is, every time my mom forgets something, he wants to get on her case for it. I told him that she is just as old as he is, and she is getting forgetful and can hardly take care of him anymore. He said, he didn't care. She went in there and took the cup that he was banging on the table with out of his hand and slapped the piss out of him with a wet rag. I went out the room and just let her do it. She really didn't hurt him, but I decided I'm just going to let them kill each other. I don't care anymore. My husband said for me to stay out of their fights and not to interfere.
He said if they want to kill each other, so be it. What do ya'll think? I'm so use to refereeing. Even when I was home, I use to referee over the phone. I HATE MY LIFE. Then my adult child comes home and starts fighting with my 12 year old. I picked up my purse and walked out and took a ride. I can't take it any more. I am too seeking a counselor. I am starting to pop 2 nerve pills a day, just to get by. And as for the new house, just a new set of problems that I'm sure will give me another nevous breakdown.
Judy, I love that comment about a cock rooster. My Mom acts just like that and Donna, I am laughing about you calling Walmart, Wally World. That is just what it is. I hate that place. When I go in the back door, theres this old man greeter and he says to me where are you going today darling. Pharmacy..... Where else.
Cathy, Honey, listen to me, been through this rehab thing so many a times. You are going to get sick of the home health care people coming and going. I know he probably is strengthless right now, so be careful about what you can handle. Don't let it overwhelm you, like it overwhelms me. Every time my dad has another bout, I promise myself the nursing home is the next step, but that never happens.
Cindi, you are right, my mom and dad have too much money saved for medicaid, which actually hurts them in the long run. I could also be paid for my services if they were on medicaid. Being poor, is better for them, then there prescriptions would be paid for and the nursing home stays, if they had too. How unfair that the government punishes those who saved their money. My dad worked hard all his life to provide for my mom in case he passed away. She never worked at all in her lifetime. Little did he know his money would be going to take care of him. I can tell you this, if it ever comes to me having to use a hoist to lift my dad is where I will draw the line. I can hardly help him in and out of the car now. I'm about 5'4" 127 pounds and he probably weighs 190.
Love,
Marylynne
looks like its going to be another BM day. He just isn't satisfied hes been going I JUST DON'T KNOW.
dad and I had a talk about mom last night and I figured out at least I can escape when she get cruel and he can't I falt bad for him. He said that she seems to be treating you better I said that I refuse to engage in negative conversations so she gives up. Its really getting to him but i told him he is not healthy enough to move anywhere if she is not happy then she should do something.
Later, Judy
gosh thinking ahead how does life get to be all about having a good BM or not? We are reverting back to infancy. My daughter use to have troubles with constipation etc so I had to give her a baby glycerin suppository or stick a thermometer in her rectum to get it going. Sorry, for the graphics but you get the idea. It has to be hard for your dad to take your scornful Mom. My dad had to take it from my mom too. Sometimes, she still bites into him and I tell her to stop it. That is how they knew something was wrong with dad. He never spoke back to her until the altzheimers and then the fights began! She would threaten to hit him with a stick or his cane etc. Terrible.
Marylynne, I wish I were petite like you hun, I won't even say how much I weigh!
Things are progressing with the bariatric stuff. I am afraid though. I am getting down on myself about not being able to control my emotions and eating and getting in this predicament in the first place. But, that is the only way I have survived my life to be honest with you. Did the best I could with what I had and now it's taken me here. Not a good position now. Life is crazy around here again. More then usual that is. My sister has been in contact with me and she needs a place to stay etc. So everything is weighing down on me. Even though I am working on taking care of me it is very difficult. I don't know why I feel I have to help. Actually I need HELP!!! Okay enough about that.
Taking Mom to the dr today to go over the xray she had done of her arm. She is still having bad pain. I have no idea what this is and neither have the drs. On top of that she now has a female infection from all the antibiotics and possibly a uti. Seems like it is common. I know Donna says that her mother has them all the time.
I wonder why.
Marylynne, your new house will be fine hun. You need something for yourself. Make it pretty and homey for you. The old folks won't be with you forever...believe it or not. They will have their own quarters can you hire someone to tend to them at all?
Cathy, good luck with the return of Dad. Glad he made it through the surgery etc. It will take some adjusting and a lot of work and patience. Sending good thoughts your way. Ty for the birthday wishes.
Donna, I think the problem is that your mom's senility and dementia is getting worse so her behavior is increasing. When it gets too much for you, might be time to consider taking care of her in a different way, like seeing her needs met while she is in another facility...private care home, or the other...
Marylynne, about the wandering. Dad hasn't done that yet. I bought her a medic alert bracelet. I got the application from the altzheimers association. It has some information on it in case he wanders. He is also registered on the altzheimers association list with a code so someone can call the number and they will take care of it. Maybe your husband and his brothers can get one too. Also, might be time to take turns staying up at nights with her as well as being there during the day. Maybe they can hire someone to stay the nights?....just to make sure she doesn't leave? Does she have a bathroom in her room so they could maybe lock her in her room in the nighttime? Good luck....hard.
Hugs to all the other fellow caregivers out there...Anita, Minion,
Cindi
Cindi, sounds like everything is not going your way. Dont know what you can do about sister tho, because, it is family, and we have always been told that family has to take care of each other. this is not true. a myth. we dont have to take care of people who we cannot tolerate. and you are right. my mother is getting worse, and meaner and more despicable daily. and on the uti thing, the urologist told me that the worse problem he has with elderly female patients is improper wiping. They are wiping from back to front, which in turn cause an ecoli infection. and on weight, i am small like marylynne, but only got that way since i have been caring for my mom, as i am too wired to eat most of the time.
Judy, thinking of you and your bm situation, thanks be to God that soon you are going to take a trip and get a little respite from the old folks. I am so fortunate that i only have one instead of two to deal with. my heart goes out to u girls who have mom and pop. Of course, it seems like older men are easier to deal with than the women. Do we have this to look forward to? marylynne, your new home will be wonderful, if nothing else will keep you at a distance, part of the time. I know however, that it will be much work for you. wish i were near you and could help you. it has been a fairly calm day for me. the only real problem so far has been that she put my best bra, white, in with some colored clothes and it looks like it may be grey now. oh well, victorias secret has a bunch of them. will buy another. luvya Donna