Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

Donna,
I missed you all too! At what point do you think you might turn your mother's care over to someone or someplace else? Ever think about that? It seems your mom's dementia and senility is getting worse plus she is getting nastier at least at times. If she becomes combative or can no longer walk to the restroom is that when we put them in? I wonder myself. My Mom gets in her bad mode sometimes and says she can't wait til my father has to go to an Altzheimer home. She says that I (meaning me) can be free. Hah..I don't know what she is thinking. Guess she things she will be as good as she is for a long time. She thinks she is going back to Indonesia where she has some relatives. Mostly nieces now. Her sisters have passed. She has two more sisters that have lost contact with the family and one sister who she hasn't seen in over fifty years. This sister ran away from my mom and went off to London where she married an Englishman and that's all my mom knows. She has a brother who is not very family oriented. Doubt if her nieces will take care of her. But she can go on dreaming. Guess we all need one.
Mom wanted to go to the beauty supply store and then to a grocery store 30 minutes away to buy some copper river salmon. Told her tomorrow, cause I have an allergy headache and don't feel well. Still had to stop to get her lotto (she plays everyday) and pick her up from the beauty salon. Making a new recipe that I saw online food.com. It is a Barefoot Contessa recipe. Brisket with carrots and onion. It was easy enough, only thing Mom probably won't eat it. It's in the oven now and it smelllsssssssss good! Hope it tastes good. Dad and Hubby will eat it...sister will too (she probably will be here for dinner). It has to bake for 3 1/2 hours. Think I'll take a nap while it is baking.

Donna next time Mom acts awful to you tell her she must learn to control herself or you will have no choice but to put her in a home. As soon as she starts talking ugly to you tell her to STOP. Then walk away and don't listen to her.

here's a cheer for the sisterhood!
Cindi

Girls,

I am back online. Hooray!!! Read all your postings and all the newcomers, welcome. Miss my girls, Donna, Cindy, Judy and Cathy. Can't live without ya'll.

The move was terrible. My aunt watched my Dad for me that day and Mom woke up sick and unable to help. Expected that one. Told her to go with Dad by my Aunts. Didn't want to pick them up that evening.

They are having a hard time adjusting. I am being very patient, but I think my Mom has lost it. She has been to this house bunches of times and still can't find her way to her own addition. It's not hard. She can't find anything, even after I show her a dozen times where it is. My dad crapped all over himself when he got on this toilet. He says its different than the one at home. It has more grab bars around it than the law allows. He is just getting so weak, that he can't turn around when he transfers now. He will not accept it. He put up such a fight today about not being able to get on the toilet that my husband came in the room and said to hire someone to drill into the floor and put whatever he needs in there, but to stop abusing my wife.

Later I had to leave the house and told my Dad to call my husband if he needed anything and he said he would die before he asked him for anything. How selfish, when my husband spent days putting grab bars up and so on...

It is not worth it to take care of these people, I am losing my own sanity. Only thing is I do feel more like home here than at the other house. Its just more in civilization.

Donna, you have the right idea to ignore your mother, I wish I could learn to do that.

Cindi, you don't take too much more on with your sister. Be an ear to listen, and help out when you can.

Judy, hope you're having a wonderful time.

Love to all,
Marylynne

Dear girls, first of all congratulations marylynne for finally getting moved, know it will take a while to get everything put away and fixed like you want it, but at least the hard part is over. sounds like your dad was very hateful with your husband, but that does not surprise me. I have not found anything surpising about these old folks for a while.
Cindi, hope your brisket turned out good. i have done that recipe before and it is good. and you are right, your mom i guess has to have a dream. Heck, get her a ticket to indonesia now, send her there for a visit, it would be nice for you, and you know she would be gone at least a little while. I would send my mom to bumf** if she wanted to go. get her out of my hair. The sad fact, however, is that no one wants her to visit them. She has a sister who lives about 20 mins away, and has seen her two times in the last year. My granddaughter who is 18 came up to visit yesterday and made over her, and thinks i am so mean because she drives me crazy. that too, hurts my feelings, but, someone who is not around all the time would think that she is a sweet little lady and i am a bitch. The granddaughter, however, is very very busy and just doesnt have time to sit with granny occassionally.
At least it is early and i have had no confrontations with her so far this am, and i hope this day will be calm. love to all Donna

Thank u for welcoming me into the "club." Cindi, I am sorry about the loss of your son. I too know the pain of losing a child. As for your sister, is she under treatment? I sometimes sit back and think about my life and get emotional but I try not to very often. I feel that if I break down, I will never be able to get up again. Mom seems to have woken up in a bad mood. Will try to ignore her until I can't anymore. I also feel like crap today, have been feeling tired lately. I guess the moving and everything else is catching up with me. If it wasn't for my friends who come to visit or call, I'd probably lose it. Lets hope that we all have a good day even if it isn't a great one. Take care everybody.

Hi Girls

Plychata, I have days like that where I feel like crap and also have to deal with the parents esp Mother. When I don't feel good I usually tell her...sometimes she slows down a little. Then I do what I have to do and spend as much time in my room or go for a drive when husband is home..etc. Anything I can to tend to myself til I feel like I have my wits about me again. Yes, friends help and talking to others who understand. Glad you have that support.
Marylynne, Yeahhhhhhhh you are moved! Don't pay too much attention to Dad, he is upset because this is another new adjustment and they hate that. Make the adjustments needed like hubby said and then tell dad the move is hard on all of you and hoping things will turn out better for everyone and that you understand it is hard for him...as it is also hard for you. Mom will have a hard time too. I noticed my mother's memory got worse with each move she had to make. Moving is stressful on anyone but when you are old, set, and feeble, with dementia setting in..it's a nightmare for them. Marylynne, you sound like this has been a good move...no matter what happens in the future this was a good step for you. Congrats on being so brave and bold. Good for your hubby to talk to dad and stand up for you. Hope dad gets over being upset at hubby. Parents hate it when husbands..etc speak out to them.
Donna, it is nice of your granddaughter to visit your Mother. It's too bad she doesn't understand your plight..yet maybe it is a good thing for you wouldn't want her suffering to your Mom. You know how things are and that is all that matters. If she says something to you, just tell grand daughter that she couldn't begin to understand..that's that. Where is you boyfriend, Donna, is he traveling with his job? Hope he is home soon.
Judyyyyyyy where are you now? Hoping you all are enjoying yourselves...lucky ducky! God, I can only fantasize to be away for that amount of time!!!!
Cathy, how is Papa? How is your son, husband and esp you? How are you doing?
Minion, hope you are sneaking some time to do something you like somehow. Maybe time planned with hubby would be good too.
Went to Starbucks with sister last night, and she was concerned with this homeless man in an obsessed way. I know she needs mental attention although she denies any problems. Working on that. Still apartment shopping. The movie "Mama Mia" is coming out today here. I decided I am going to see it. The gf that I go to Curves with is going to go with me. Her hubby is out of town. I invited my sister too. Will see how it goes if she does go. Taking grouchy mom to Cypress her old senior living so she can visit her friends and listen to the happy hour music. She likes the guy who is going to sing. I phoned them today to see who was playing. I have to take her to the store to buy that salmon, to the beauty store, to get my contacts, and then out to bakery so she can pick up some carrot cakes (mini ones) that I ordered for her. She likes to bring her friends treats. I will have dad, mom and sister is coming with me to do these things. Mom has been worried about sister so she is more grouchy. Hope the little outing will do her some good.
So remember girls, next time someone anyone asks as to do something for them, as them if they would like some fries with that order!!!!!

Love

Sis just picked up Mom and she will have her for the weekend. FREEDOM!! I am trying to figure out how to get sis to have her for a week before we go back to work on the 11th. I have to work on it somemore. Today was particularly trying for me. I had to keep breathing deeply so as not to take her old head off. There are times when the very fact that she is in the house makes me want to do violent things to anything within armslength. Oh, how she gets on my nerves.

Sad thing is, Mom and I were really best friends until Dad died. He was the buffer for all of us and he was mad that he wouldn't be here cause of the cancer to take care of his responsibilities, i.e. mother. My mother isn't here anymore, and this person that is so helpless and dependent just makes me want to scream. I am a spoiled brat what wants her parents back. At least one of them. Mom doesn't really have a life anymore. She just feels bad for being so much trouble. Mom does realize how much she asks for but after awhile of, "in a minute......." She hates just existing, and I hate it for her. She only comes alive when she is taking care of my granddaughter, and then she is a completely different person; transformed into a loving, sweet woman who just coos at the baby who coos back at her. It really is a miracle to see that woman emerge in the blink of an eye.
She disappears just as quickly though when Sadie goes home.

Hubby and I will try and mend fences while she si gone but we get tired of beating each other up and then having to sort things out. He is convinced I am going through the "change". His new answer for all things he can't control. I wish it were that simple. The doctors have pills for that.

I stopped going to therapy for my head. I stopped taking my Paxil thinking I wanted to be normal. I am sure that isn't helping but there comes a point when I have to decide if the meds are helping or masking the problems. I have an appointmet with a neurologist for an MRI to help determine if there is an underlying problem that is causing the migraines. Get this, the first available appt is Aug 26th. Good thing it isn't serious. I just want something/one to blame all of this on and it really isn't anyone's fault. I am having a pity party and it seems like that is all I do these days.

It is a wonder we all don't walk off the end of a very short pier. I read the postings and wonder where you, all of you, get the energy to write as much as you do. In comparison to your postings, I suppose I should feel very lucky. This chapter for Mom will end soon enough. She will be with Dad then and she will be at peace.

My son and his wife have decided that there will only be one more addition to their brood. Four is plenty but they originally wanted six. Maybe we will get a set of triplets to go with the twins. Wouldn't that be a hoot?

Minion, i do know where you are with the wanting to become violent. I feel that way in my head, tho in reality, would never ever hurt anyone. Just such a hopeless feeling that we all have here.
My mother says I never talk to her, so, i made it a point to go and sit next to her and try to carry on a conversation with her. She had nothing good to say about anything, all she can think of is negative things. And on top of that, more things that "we" need to do. (we meaning, me, myself, I) We need to go out and trim some bushes. we need to clean up my sons pickup. we need to get another older pickup ready to sell and get it out of the yard. we need we need we need. I am so sick of her saying "we" when i know and she knows that she cannot do these things, and i will feel guilty if i see her attempting to do them, and do them. This morning she got out a blouse that needed to be ironed. Laid it on the end of the sofa, and said to me, I am going to iron some things in a few minutes. I said ok, fine. well, the blouse is still there, as i didnt feel like ironing today.
Cindi, going to starbucks with a friend sounds like a dream to me. I went down the street to my friends house yesterday for about an hour. Her daughter and another girl came in and we had a good time just visiting and laughing, but, all the time i was thinking that i really should get home because she was going to be mad. And i wasnt wrong. Her words were, what if you had to sit in this house all day every day like i do? I took her to wal mart yesterday morning and she was exhausted when we returned. Minion, I pray daily that this "chapter" will end for me soon, as like your mom, she is unhappy and makes everyone around her unhappy, mainly me, because no one else will stay and listen to her. I have said it over and over and probably will be punished for it, but, 90 years is long enough.
Cindi, yes Don is here. He is in the process of selling his truck, as fuel prices are making it impossible to come out ahead. He is going to work locally driving a concrete truck next week. Hopefully the deal with the truck will be over with soon, there is a lot of red tape involved.
On a kind of funny note, when Don sees me typing and reading the postings on this site, he says, i see you are talking to your "group", the therapy is good for you. YES IT IS,. AND I LOVE ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR INPUT, MAKES ME KNOW THAT I AM NOT A MONSTER. Donna

Minion, I am glad that you are having some freedom this weekend. Good for you! We all need some time off and people who are not in our shoes, don't understand. Cindi, u made me laugh, thanks. Shady, when mom says "we" or "I am going to do this", I just tell her "who are u kidding? U know u can't do it." Then we start laughing cause she knows that it is true. I guess I am lucky that mom isn't that bad yet but she can still get to me. I try very hard not to lose my patience with her. On another note, my daughter went to the doctor today and was told that her cervix is starting to thin out. Baby is in position so soon we shall have another baby girl. I wasn't too excited until now. Can't wait to meet her and for mom to see another great-grandkid. Take care everyone.

Donna,
My Mother is the same as yours. She also thinks of a hundred things that need to be done, or that she needs done. She almost cannot do anything on her own she likes people to do it for her. Brother says that she wants a slave. Guess who her number one slave is? It is very difficult to be exposed to the negativity, complaints, criticisms on a daily basis. Granted it looks like it sucks to be their age and not be able or feel able to do much more in life. But to those of us who are there for them it is unbearable to watch and unbearable to take it robs our own spirits. I think they take their negative emotions on us because they don't know what to do with those feelings. Or, they express it to us consciously and unconsciously by their actions and words. It makes me not want to get to their age and to that station in life. Not to be mean but no wonder they put them all in a home. When all one does is bring others down because they have nothing much to live or hope for then maybe those people should be grouped together.
Then again, how happy can you be if we were in their position. Someday, if we live long enough our day will come. I want to live my life now and do with my life now before I am like them. I want them to live life as much as they can to somehow see how fortunate they are that they are with family and embrace their last days.
Going to a wedding tonight with husband. A dear friend's son is getting married. I use to babysit him when he was 4 years old. Hiring Maryann the caregiver. Hope to have fun with husband. Husband has been complaining I've been away from him too much. Last night saw the movie "Mama Mia" with 3 gfs and my sister. We all enjoyed it immensely. If you get a chance go see it esp with a gf or even husband. I saw the play a few years ago with husband and another couple. Husband tended to dad for me. I took mom to her old senior residence before I left to movies...hubby picked her up. I hope she enjoyed herself...(as much as she can). My sister was making me uncomfortable at the movies. I worry about her. Getting anxious because Monday I have to go to UCLA medical center to meet the bariatric physician and attend a class on the gastric bypass. Husband is taking off work to go with me. When the heck do I have time to even take care of myself. My sister has been added to my plate.

Try to have a good weekend...
Minion enjoy yourself...
Plychata,,,babies are such a sweet blessing...
Marylynne...a new home/new start on an old routine
Judy...luckypup
Donna...love u girl...your mother is one lucky lady
Cathy...Father is lucky to have you standing by him

Hugs
Cindi

Dear Donna, Marylynne, Cindi,
Thank you all for the support. The words of encouragement have helped me get throuth a very rough time in my life. My friends here do not understand what I am going through. How it can be all consuming. All of you know. I can turn here and know that I can vent, cry, and hope.

My husband and I are trying to cope with the idea that my father may never come back to this house to live again. I know most of you would be ok with your parents living elsewhere, but I am having a very hard time accepting that I can no longer care for him the way he is. I am very sad most of the time. Depressed? My son Joe is having nightmares and is also very sad at night.

Donna, YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER!!!!! You are a good person in a very difficult place. I hope and pray that you will find peace. Tell Don that your "group" says he's a good man! I am happy for you.

Cindi, Please do not let sister impede on your time away from your stress as she is part of it. You can not enjoy your time away if it follows you!

Marylynne, I am very haapy you are in your home. The real place to call home. Tell mom to get over herself and deal. I am partial to dads so try and give him some time. Enjoy redecorating!

Judy, We miss you, but you better be having a blast!

To all the new comers I hope you have a great weekend.

Hugs to all, Cathy

Dear Girls,

Very Very depressed today. I woke up the last few days feeling like this could be a new start, until THE OLD PEOPLE RUIN IT. It was the bathroom thing today, You know the I can't go thing, the Prune Juice Thing, the I am going to cry if I don't go to the bathroom thing...

My mom is so confused and her and my dad are fighting all the time now. I decided today, if nothing else, she may put him in a nursing home if she has to deal with him directly. She had a buffer zone in the other house because he was in the garage and she was all the way on the other side of the house.

I started crying this evening when I picked my daughter up from a party and the parents invited me in for a drink. I didn't accept because I needed to get back to the OLD PEOPLE before they burn my house down for not knowing what they are doing. I felt like if I didn't have them I could have a life. I know God's going to strike me dead for saying these mean horrible things, but I can't stand them any more.

Cathy, you deal with your feelings, thats one thing no one can change. You didn't have the situation we are in. Your dad was a joy. You will miss not having him, but know that if you can't handle him, this is the better thing for every one involved.

Donna, I'M THE MONSTER. I TOLD MY AUNT THAT IF MY PARENTS DIED TOMORROW, I WOULDN'T EVEN CRY. I am so scared of having to handle this too many more years.

Cindi, Love you, you are our rock. Hang in there. Your words of wisdom, get us through the day.

To all you new girls, hang in there. Can't tell you that tomorrow will be a better day, because it never is around here.

MISERY TRULY DOES LOVE COMPANY

mARYLYNNE

Hi my dear friends,
Had to smile when i read Marylynnes last words misery loves company. yes, guess it is true. marylynne, hon, suicide is not an answer. please dont think that way. May be time for more xanax, valium or the like. Just know that you are going to survive this all, and come out a better person. May be time for you to put mom in a nursing home and keep dad.
Cathy, very sorry to hear of your depression concerning the state of your dad. A few years ago, i would have felt the same way about my mom. Now i wish i would have put her in a nursing home in 2003 when she had her last colon surgery and the doctors told me that she should be there. Who knows?
Cindi, my prayers for the results of your tests on monday, I know that you will be ok. You are too good to not be. you always make us feel better with your words of advise and wisdom.
Minion, hope you and your man can get your differences straightened out, you already have too much to deal with, that is, kids at school, your mom, now this?
love all you and pray for the best for each of us, Donna

Dear girls,

STILL HAVING THE CAN'T GO PROBLEM WITH DAD. He actually got weak today, I think from forcing. Might have to bring him in to hospital for locked bowels. I HATE ALL OF THIS.

Donna, don't worry will not commit suicide. I am just so miserable.

Will talk to you later.

Love,
Marylynne

I feel for all of you. I, too am a caregiver for my Mother. Dad died in 1996 and Mother continued to work and be completely independent until her 75th b-day. Suddenly she has dementia. She asked if my husband and I would live with her. She was afraid all the time,confused and very forgetful. Now Mother wasn't always the perfect Mom. She was a housewife, and did not work until my youngest brother started school. He was born 17 years after I was. Mother never wanted to do anything, and money was her God. She scrimped and saved every dime, but spent as little as possible. She would not buy anything that was not an absolute necessity. She made all my clothes, until I went to work when I was 16 and bought my own clothes. She seemed to think that I was just an inconvenience of marriage. Now my two brothers hung the moon, and were given whatever they wanted. Of course, Mother thought everything they wanted was a necessity. I was not given anything more than she thought I needed as her oldest child. When my children were born she complained everytime my Dad wanted to keep them for a few hours. Again a giant inconvenience for her.
Now that she has dementia, she doesn't remember all that. And she notices that her precious sons no longer care what she needs, and will not come to see her or help take care of her in anyway. They call once a month and come to take her to dinner once a month. The entire visit may take up two hours of their time. She just doesn't understand. DUH !!! She raised them to be inconsiderate, that they and their wants and needs were the only important thing that Mother had to worry about.
Now having said all that, I must admit that I don't mind taking care of Mother. She has been very appreciative of all I do for her. I pay her bills, I take her to all her appts, I take her shopping, etc., and I work a full time job. My wonderful husband actually was the one to suggest that we take care of her. She now thinks that he hung the moon. Her constantly repeating things, and forgetting things could really be annoying, and only one thing helps me get thru this. GOD !! Scripture tells us that we are to honor and obey our parents, then it tells us to care for widows and orphans. That's all it takes.
Yeah, I know... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Remember the bible tells us what to do with our parents, but it also tells how, and who will give us strength and comfort. Pray unceasingly. It works, I promise.
I live in Texas, and we have so many social organizations we can turn to for help. But we also have Home Health and Hospice that Medicare pays for. Your parents are home bound and have legitimate illnesses that need skilled nurse visits at least two to three times a week. That alone will get a home health aide in to relieve for an hour a day. With Alzheimers you have a Hospice diagnosis. Hospice can provide respite care for up to 6 hours once a week. All of these services are covered by Medicare and supplemental policies. Possibly by Medicaid as well. Call your parents doctor, they should be able to hook you up the right people. If not call the aging agency in your state. If not try the local support group for aging parents. They can help in a lot of ways. Yeah, your parents may take offense to bringing in someone like that, but I'll bet they decide later that they like having someone else to talk, and to complain to. Maybe someone they know who will play cards or dominoes with. You just never know what will happen !!

God bless you all. You have been given an incredibly hard lot in life. But remember we are earning our crowns for Heaven, and that can never be a bad thing.

Linda

What part of Texas are u from Linda? I was born and raised in Texas but now we live in Illinois. I am not a religious person but when I get annoyed at mom, I ask God to give me more patience and to forgive me. This is a disease that our parents have and one day we might be in their shoes also. I know that the care I give my mom will not be given to me by my own children. If I am lucky, maybe one of my grandchildren but I doubt it very much. We should educate ourselves in their disease and try to understand them. I know that it is easier said than done, but it might help. This is not an easy task but we have chose to do it. Otherwise, they wouldn't be with us. I don't preach and try not to. This is life and life is what we have chosen to do with it. As I write this, it is almost 2:30am and my mom is sitting near me eating a snack. She couldn't sleep and asked if I was going to bed already. When I said no, she got up and started to eat. I love my mom and even if we fight with each other, we also have our good laughs. I don't know how long we have together but I plan to enjoy every minute with her even if she does drive me crazy. Her and her little dog, yeah, they can get on my nerves. Especially her dog since she can't take her outside, I have to do it. Don't matter, I have to take my dog outside too. The other day she told me that when she dies, I have to take care of her dog. I said no. I said that when she dies, she is taking her dog with her. She stared laughing and said I was mean to her poor dog. I guess that even if we get on each other nerves, we still have a good relationship. We have always been honest with one another and fight too. We have already made funeral plans also. If she goes before me, cause u never know, she will be cremated and when I die, she will be buried with me. Yeah, probably her damn dog too, lol. I wish peace and love to everyone in this "club" since it is a heavy load that we are carrying. A lot of patience too. Remember to take care of yourselves too. I have learned the hard way, but now I do take time for me and don't feel guilty about it. I believe that I have earned it. Linda, people tell me about "crowns for heaven" that I am earning but I don't believe so. I do this for my mother cause I love her and care for her. If I didn't, I wouldn't do it. I do things because I want to, not because I have to. Some crosses are heavier than others, especially when taking care of both parents. There are others who take care of in-laws along with their parents. Now, those people have earned their space in heaven because I know that I wouldn't do it. I hope that I haven't offended anybody because that was not my intention. Here we can write our feelings and not be judged because we are all in the same boat.

Girls, I feel for all of you...all of us.
Marylynne, I'm sorry you are having an especially hard time with parents and feeling so down. Maybe this is the catalyst that will change things hopefully in a more positive direction. It's funny how they don't like taking care of their own husbands. Hmmm, what happened to the vows in sickness and health til death do us part? Maybe, they are so miserable themselves that they just don't want to take on more. Sounds like they stay in one room? Any way they can have separate rooms? My parents have separate rooms...I have a small house though only 1250 square feet. More like a cottage. They share a bathroom and that is where some of my Mother's picking on dad comes in. Today Husband and I go to UCLA medical center to talk to the surgeon and attend a class. Mom is going to take care of dad the whole day (for the first time). She didn't want to spend or want me to spend $100.00 to take care of him. She says all the caregiver does is talk on her cell phone or watch tv or take care of her daughter. Mom is really burnt out on caregiver. The caregiver does take care of my dad as instructed but it doesn't take up a whole lot of time. I have never had her bathe him. My dad is actually very quiet and as long as his needs are met he doesn't fuss so far.
We will see how today goes, Im a bit nervous. My sister is going to come over during the day. Hopefully, that will be a plus.

Donna, hope mom behaves for you. Thank you Donna and Marylynne for your kind words. I don't know how wise..etc I am..but if I am of help or support at all then that pleases me. You are all such a great group of women, very loving hearts and compassionate. I love you all.

Cathy, I know it is sad that your Father might not ever come back to your home for you to care for him. It was unexpected and a loss. I hope that doesn't happen but you are preparing for it if it does and that is good. Poor son, crying for his grandfather. Hope he gets to see him when you visit your dad. Here we are talking about having to care for parent/parents and all you want is to be able to care for him once again. My heart goes out to you and your family. Things will be okay in the end somehow it will work out. Keep praying sweetie. Here's a big HUG for you. Has to be hard on your Father too. This part of life they never prepare you enough for.

Ply sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with your Mother. I am so glad for you. Also, sounds like you have your head on pretty straight and a pretty good attitude. I hope they continue to see you and Mom through.

Linda, thank you for the useful information and for sharing with us.

Well better go...as I leave I am wondering how the heck I got myself into this situation with emotional eating and all this weight gain. But, then again all I have to do is look back on my life..(hah) and being emotional as I am...I guess if it wasn't for eating it might have been something else. Just I can't continue like this at least not for much longer...I am somewhat humilated that I would have to have surgery to help me. But, things are the way they are...Hopefully, I will be a good candidate for the surgery...time will tell...it's a long process before you actually can have it done. Worry how I will take care of parents during that time. It will be okay one way or another.

Love to you all
Cindi

Cindi, I hope everything goes well with your appt. It is a long procedure but if you qualify, things will work out for you. I have always been heavy, since I was a child. As I started to have family, I got bigger. By the time I divorced my second husband, I was close to 300 lbs. They wanted to the do the bypass on me but I said no. Somehow I lost about 20 lbs. Then about 3 yrs ago, I started eating right and drinking a lot of water. I am down to almost 200 lbs. I feel good, my knees don't hurt but my back does. Back is from something else. I know what it is to go through life being heavy but u don't have to feel like that. You seem to be a wonderful person and have gone thru a lot in your life also. Be proud of who u are, big or thin. The outside doesn't make a person, its the inside that does. If somebody does not like how u look, they don't belong in your life. Love yourself because at the end what counts is the love for ourselves. Take care and God bless.

Hi to my girls I'm back and hope all of you are still here and as cheerful as ever.
Vacation was good to not have to worry called home every couple of days. Went to a water park, stayed in a cabin for 2 days, went shopping, went to a park and got some sun. The bad part was I still had to clean house and do the dishes and pick up after kids. No I need just a grown up vacation.
Dad had his lithotripsy done today everything went well have to have xrays in two weeks he says he feels better already.
Mom's been her nasty self since I came home.
Sorry I won't be able to read all the postings i have missed but I am here from now on. I'm glad to be back here with the girls. oxoxoxo Judy

Judy,

Glad you had a good time. Know what you mean about cleaning up behind the kids when you renting a cabin. Glad you only had to call every couple of days.

Cindi, How did you make out today. Hope everything went well and know you will do well.

Donna, Had a bad day with dad again today. Before we left for a dr. appt. for Mom, Dad couldn't pee and was scared his kidneys were malfunctioning. My mother wanted to call every few minutes while we were away and it made me a nervous wreck. I can feel my heart start beating out of my chest every time I get aggravated now. I know it can't be good for my health. Told mom that I am tired of having to live my life around the sick. She thinks its just my DAD.

Cathy, How goes with Dad? Bypass surgery sure has its querks at there age. My mother-in-law after she had it was never the same again in the mind.

Love to all you girls and new girls who keep me afloat just from reading your postings.

Marylynne

Marylynne, have u had your blood pressure checked? That is how I felt before I knew I had high BP. It must be very hard to care of two parents. The good thing is, that u can vent here with the rest of us. Mom went to the doctor and just had her blood drawn. The good thing about this visit was that the dr and I had a good talk. He is glad that I am not working anymore and at home with mom. We talked about her cancer and what to expect if and when it returns. He wants me to apply so I can get paid for taking care of mom and is willing to fill out papers and such. We also discussed about her living will, DNR, and POA. He is willing to accept any decisions that I make concerning mom. That helped me a lot but I was sad because I realized that he is trying to prepare me for what is around the corner. My kids and I had a talk after we got home from his office and the two youngest don't want to be responsible in making any decisions and I respect that. The oldest said she would take over if anything happened to me. I don't want to think about what will happen sooner or later. I just want to spend time with her. I will cross that bridge when I come to it. She is happy at the moment and in no pain. I am just glad that I have friends, family and the doctor to count on. It did make me mad that her cancer dr. wasn't honest with me. By what our family doctor said, it seems mom is worse than the other led me to believe. Neither one said that she is dying but in certain terms I was told that today. Now I have to keep my eyes really open and watch for signs. Life is really a b*tch but it doesn't stop for anybody. Sorry, I am kind of down right now. Take care everyone. Glad that I am included in your circle.

ply, i understand the being down. We battled rounds of cancer for years, and by some miracle, not medication, my mom's cancer has completely dissappeared. so, you can take hope in that. i am spending time with my mom that i would be glad not to. I had to get milk yesterday, and of course, since i was leaving in my car, she had to go along. it was 109 here yesterday, so hot, and she had to go. irritates me to death.
Judy, glad you had a fun time, and i know it would be nice without the boys, but, hon, one day you will have all the time you want without them, love them, enjoy them now, because before you turn around, they will be grown, and gone from you.
Marylynnne, i also have these panic attacks when i become very nervous. I guess it is just the chemical makeup that we have. I do have hypertension, but not really too bad.
I didnt know about there was a way to get paid for taking care of your own parents. who do you go to, Plychata?
Cindi, my dear, i am praying for you, hoping the tests looked good for you. Hoping that the sister saga will soon be solved, to your advantage.
Cathy hon, know you are busy, but hope to hear from you soon. Let us know how it i going with dad.
To all of you, you keep me 'afloat' as marylynne put it. couldnt make it without my 'therapy group'. Love you all, and hope all of you have a calm day.Donna

Planning the party for my son's graduation it is Saturday, big job. Mom is starting to dictate again I just ignore it. She thinks she has to tell me what needs to be done around here I do 99% of the housework.
Dad seems to be ok his stomach is bothering him he ate very little yesterday and had alot of acid build up had to take a Zantac he ate better at dinner tonight. Hope everyone is good. oxoxo Judy

Judy,
Welcome back! You sound good. I love festivities hope graduation party is great fun. Glad dad is doing okay and that mom is back in rare form (means she is okay).
Donna, UCLA was a long day. Went to a class and then 3 appts. One with the surgeon, one with dietician and one with the project coordinater. It's is a long process involving many things. This is just the beginning. I need to decide when I want to have the surgery. I also need to lose 13 to 26 lbs good luck to me. Without the weight loss they won't do the surgery. Thank you for your good thoughts. Hope with temperatures that hot you have a/c, Donna. That weather would make anyone miserable. Very hard to have patience with the mother, father isn't it? Donna if your mother is eligible for medicaid they you could get paid if your state has that available. I cannot get paid cause my parents make too much for medicaid. Unfortunately, they are not well off though. My mother did live in a active senior residence for 1900.00 month. But she could not afford an assisted living when she needs it because it costs $5000.00 or more a month. If and when my father needs to go to a facility (altzheimers) my brother and mother have it set up that they can get medi-cal for him. Even nursing homes cost $5000.00 or more a month with medi-cal.
Ply, thank you for your good thoughts too. Sister, brother and I met this am and it looks like we have found an apartment for sister. Finally! Good for you that you were able to lose all that weight on your own. It's not the beauty aspect that I care mostly about it is my health which is declining due to many problems I have but mostly due to my diabetes. This type of surgery has shown great decline in diabetes and it's problems. Sounds like you have a good handle on things with your mom and the doctor sounds very helpful. If you can get paid I'd go for it.
Marylynne, don't let your mom do that to you. She doesn't need to call you every few minutes or vice versa. Need to get your blood pressure checked too. Hopefully dad is doing better urinating. Marylynne, I think it's time to either get help in for parents or better yet have parents move out. If you have a physical checkup with doctor I'm sure you might be told to take care of your parents from afar. You will not be able to keep up like this for long. It is affecting your health badly. Both emotionally and physically.
Cathy, thinking of you and Dad.
Hugs Everyone
Cindi

What Cindi said is right, if your parents qualify for medicaid, u can apply. You can work either full or part time. I don't know where u live but there has got to be some help out there for family members taking care of parents. Cindi, outside beauty does not mean anything if the inside is rotten. I have seen and heard many a person say mean things about heavy people. But u know what? They do that because they are afraid of being heavy, have been heavy or they just have a very cold heart. Very rare have people said anything to my face because I don't keep quiet. And the ones who have said something, back off. I am not a bully and I don't like confrontations, but I stand my ground quite often. I wish u the best of luck with your bypass. With all that we are going thru, we need to watch our health. Otherwise, God only knows what would happen. Don't even want to think about it. I made flautas today and everyone ate them! Miracle of miracles, since they don't like my cooking. I cook mostly mexican food. Even mom had two of them after she had already had her dinner, lol. I can't wait to get my kitchen set so I can start cooking and baking, now that I am going to be home. Yeah watch, I probably won't have anytime. But come winter, my oldest grandson likes to bake cookies with me. I enjoy those times since he is getting to be a teenager and probably won't want to be with this old lady. Donna, thank you for the uplift. I feel better today. I understand about your mom irritating you. My mom did today with her asking the same thing over and over. I need to go visit my friends soon. Need some time off. Not just from mom, but everybody else. My van is getting checked tomorrow so I don't have to worry about it leaving me somewhere. Then I can take mom and the damn dogs for a ride, even its just around the block. Even if I argue with her, I still want her around. See, mom and I have never been apart. I guess that is why we can get along, sometimes any way. We both have a dark sense of humor. Anyway, you guys take care of yourselves and don't forget to smell the roses, even if it is hard sometimes.

I come to this site to read what others are going through and I have taken comfort knowing I'm not the only one going through the misery of having my mother live with me. I'm in the same situation as most of you here. My dad is in a nursing home with dementia and my controlling mother lives with me. I have 3 useless brothers who rarely bother with our mother and don't think I don't hear about it. But maybe if my mother was a different person, her children would come around more often. She's never happy no matter what you do for her, she always has a negative comment about everything I do, who my friends are, my boyfriend, his son, my daughter, people at the nursing home. It never ends. As soon as I get home from work the b*tching starts. I can't stand it. And I, like some of you here, feel like she will out live me and I'll never be free of her. She's 84 years old and can run rings around most people her age. I feel like a prisoner, I have to let her know where I'm going, who I'm with, when I'll be home. It's riduculous, I'm 53 years old! She tells me what I can and can't do in my own house. I wanted to trim one of my trees and she put up a stink because then her room won't have shade. Can you beleive it? I don't even want to talk about the guilt trips. Like you, she feels it's my job to care for her in her old age. She took care of me so I owe her.
It's gotten so I hate the sight of my own front door. I wish I were dead.
Thanks for listening.

Bittersweet, Welcome.

I can empathize totally with what you wrote. It is a bad situation to be in. Sounds like it's just you and your mom living together. It's not right that your mother controls your life. My mother also tries I am constantly having to stand my ground and it is exhausting. I'm sorry that you are caught in this dilemma. Counselor has told me that if I am not doing okay then Mom has to go. I can tolerate it sometimes barely. She acts so helpless. I am taking care of her and dad now. But, it is day to day. Told her it is up to her to make things work out. If it doesn't work out it will be because of her. I am as flexible and patient as I can be. She struggles with it. I probably won't tell her to move but instead will keep standing my ground and if she doesn't like it she would have to go of her own volition. Having said this, it is not easy. She actually does get many of her ways because I choose to let her have them sometimes, it is just easier. But the things that matter to me (like respite care) I stand firm on.
What if your mother had to respite you and the way you run your household and life. What if she has to adapt and be flexible as you also are trying. Can't be all her way esp when she lives with you. If she doesn't like or won't tolerate life with you maybe she can move to a place where she can do things exactly as she likes.

Good luck...
Cindi

Bittersweet, hon i have the same sort of crap daily. i hate it. I am sixty three, and have a boyfriend, who lives with me. My mom is controlling and mean and very negative about my kids, my friends, my sons friends. she spies on my son and his friends and even goes into his apartment and snoops around when he s not here. She doesnt want me to buy anything for myself or have my nails done, says it is too expensive and i dont need it.( i never have my hair done since it is very long and i have done it myself for a number of years, but she likes hers done, Is there a difference?) Always thinks i have new clothes even if it is the same thing i wore last week. Says i spend too much money. (which is hard to do, since she goes everywhere that i go, and heaven forbid i buy a new pair of capris or something, she goes off. She is forever telling me what i need to do to my house. She told me this am that she was going to get some paint and paint a board on the house that she thinks needs painting. I said, laughing, yu are not. she said, well, i would just like to know why. and i said, because, you cant even stand up, much less paint, so just get yourself in this house out of the heat and shut up about it. Stand my ground? nope, i dont. she pushes me around a lot and i just take it, because, i guess, think i have to.unfortunately, i do not work, so i have to live with this crap 24/7 and it gets old. a job would be a relief.
Some days i want to commit suicide to get off this merry go round. I cant visit my kids who live about 175 miles away, because she cant go and i have noone to watch her. i cant visit my friend who lives down the street, because, it makes her mad for me to leave. she is a pain in the ass and it never changes, and i get wearier by the day. welcome to our world where we can b*tch and gripe if we want to, no one will condemn you for your thoughts. Donna

Bittersweet, I understand what you are going thru. My mom used to tell what to do and not to do. Now that she has dementia, it is different. It used to drive me crazy because I couldn't do anything without her making a comment about it. How I dressed, what I ate, where I was going. For some reason that has stopped and to be honest, I don't remember when. Nothing would please her either. I wanted to pull my hair out. So vent all you want and we will "listen." We might not know each other in person, but we can find comfort with one another. Please don't think about death. We have all thought about it, but that is not the answer. Keep writing and we will be here for you. Despair is so horrible but something will change for the best for you. Take care.

Bittersweet,

You are in such good company here. I wish I were dead every morning when I wake up and have to face my mom and my poor dad who was very sweet and now is a pain in my ass.

I know my parents will outlive me and just replace me like a job when I die. I can't stand the site of them and when I drop my mom off in front of a store or wherever we are going, I wish her dead when she gets out of the car. I fear for my life that God is going to punish me with all of the illl will I wish on these people. But, they have sucked the life out of me in these last 20 years. They have only lived with me 3 years, but 20 of it was doing whatever else I had to do.

My mom tries to tell me where I can go, what I can do. If I just walk out of the house to talk to a neighbor, she comes yelling for me, like I disappeared from the face of the earth. I got myself into this and now can't get myself out of this. Their death or my death is the only way out.

Dear God, help all of us girls who are trying to do the right thing by our parents and get nothing but shit and no life for doing it. I scream at God sometimes when I am by myself. Why doesn't he hear me and help me, even if its just to let me tolerate it a little better.

I never thought I would hate my parents. I will never do this to my children.

Love to all of my girls
Marylynne

Love you girls...
Ply hope my parents esp mother stops complaining.
Sad we are in this.....

Night
Cindi