My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
After reading about your day, I know you have had enough. i didn't think they still had that silver cream for burns. I remember that stuff. I hope your son does better tomorrow. You deserve a break!!!or you may break!!!
And the dishwasher thing, I use to empty mine every night, not realizing my mom would stop it in mid cycle, so I would put dirty dishes away, they have to take them all back out and start all over again.
Hope you have a better tomorrow.
Love,
Marylynne
As I read the postings I realize that I see myself in all of you. What I mean by that is we all give too much, spread ourselves so thin, need to take better care of our needs first then give what we have to give instead of giving all we have to give and ending up with nothing much left for ourselves or of ourselves and then getting into a bad situation where we are either resentful, exhausted, frustrated, don't want to go on with life being so void, lethargic, energy-less, drained...having our core self drained to the point where there is nothing much left of us. That isn't right. Where did we learn this? Why do we do this? What is the payoff to us? There must be a reason we do this to ourselves...and it doesn't just extend to the caring of our parents...but also to the caring of everyone in our lives that mean anything to us. I can't quite put my finger on it but I want to discuss this further with a professional. It's almost as if our self worth, value, is tied in to doing for others, even if that means we are suffering from it. Do we believe that we must always be good and by being good that means we must care and love others over ourselves? Are we selfless? If we are selfless, why are we? I think we are do gooders. We want to be good people. Somewhere along the line we learned either from our parents/ourselves/society that if we are good people we would do this...we would do that..which equals we would do things that most people would not put up with. Somehow that must glorify us or something...put us in another category of people who are very good, loving, caring, compassionate, Special. Does that mean to be good, to be special we have always got to be giving to others even over ourselves? Doesn't make sense to me. Strange phenomenon. Anyways..moving on...Tell me what you all think.
Donna, smart thinking about funeral costs and spending down mom's money in case you need to put her in a facility. As far as mom being scared and lonely in your absence. To bad noone can stay with her sometimes. Also, it just worked out that way. You don't usually leave for that amount of time. My mother complains when I go out more then usual. But, I tell her things come up I don't usually go this much it just go in spurts. Parents have a hard time adjusting to differences in schedule etc. You are a nice friend, Donna and gf and daughter be sure to not get too overwhelmed...sounds like it's donna time. Time to step back and not take anything else on again more then you already have til you feel a bit more stable. I do that myself. In fact soon I will need time, feeling overwhelmed here. Did gfs birthday dinner celebration with 5 of us total. Ran around all day am til now..and it is around 2 am maybe? Planning dad's 85th birthday tomorrow. I am cooking as I write. Taking prednisone and can't sleep so working instead. Also because might have to go to Doctors with sister tomorrow. More drama tonight when I was gone. She phone husband and my mother and begged to move in with us. Said she can't read well and her motor skills are slowing way down. We think she is having panic/anxiety attacks. She reverts to acting like a young child who cannot take care of themselves. It is very sad, tragic, scary, and frustrating. She has a doctor follow up for an ER visit she had last weekend...Saturday. I didn't go into it with you guys here..just said she had drama. But apparently according to sister she almost drowned on the beach. She walked back to her bfs condo phoned the ambulance and was taking to hospital. We all agreed that it was dramatic...and not sure if she ever drowned..or if she did then she must have walked into the water. I phone the ER making sure she was okay but never went there. Instead I took my daughter shopping as planned...we had a day planned together. Then later that night went to that music concert thing. I felt so bad that I didn't go to my sister's side (advised by husband, daughter and even myself and mother) that to this day I still wonder that maybe I got so badly bitten because I should have been there with sister and that was my punishment or something. Anyways I am cooking everything I can now so that I can go to the doctors with sister tomorrow (she is being seen for neck and back pain as a result of near drowning). I am going to be frank with doctor and tell him what went on tonight...and ask him to refer her out for help..and ask him for tranquilizer or something...antianxiety..something to help her be able to cope and tolerate the move. Yes, we have an apartment for her that her ex fiancee is paying for 6 to 10 months..but we also have a woman age 40 who has never lived on her own..and has a lot of mental/emotional issues...I am afraid she is breaking down and that is a BIG stress on this whole family. Coupled with caring for an ungrateful mother (most of the time) and an altzheimer father. Between my sister and mother I have very little patience left and must be very careful of overwhelmingness. So, Donna I understand doing over yourself..I must balance it everyday. Just turned off the broth..it is actually almost 3 am.
Sha, my mother has always been this difficult in fact in some ways she was worse I just had been gone for about 20 years. I somehow have been able to teach or show her some of the ways that she does not make sense...(she gets conflictual about things based on her emotions)...and because of all the blasted counseling I went through..she is able to stay here with me. If I had not gone through renurturing myself etc with the counselor off and on for 10 years there is no way she could be living with me now. I constantly have to use what I learned..and it is very difficult. Sha...you are so funny about the mosquito..isn't it the way with us...think for sure that mosquito was meant to get us now that you have a bite!
Marylynne, how you feeling? Make that appt with counselor yet? Hope so..
Judy...how r u doing? How is Dad?
Cathy, Sha had good advice about taking son to see dad..etc. It is very hard to see them decline...you still will take care of dad Cathy, just differently now. You all still love him so...Remember, you are still taking care of him..there are different ways to take care of our parents..unfortunately things have changed..as they will for all of us. Take it day by day sweetie.
Well, better try and get a little rest now...and be ready for round 2...I have a feeling this is going to be a hell of a day. Sister has her doctor appt...my brother is moving all of my sister's big things into her apartment..and it's my dad's 85th birthday that I am cooking for..btw I don't have any of his gifts but one...Calgon or friends please take me awayyyyyyy....even to the funny farm where life is always beautiful...arrghhhhhhhhh grrrrrrrrrr...
Okay on a better note...now that I have screamed a bit...
I am grateful to have you all here for me. I am grateful that I get to take care of my parents. I am grateful that you all have your parents and do your best everyday whatever your best may be. I pray each and everyone of us learn how to love ourselves and our family and friends in balance..emotional, healthy balance and to know that we are GOOD and SPECIAL even if we never took care of another person again.
Love you all...
Wish me luck...gonna need it today
Cindi
Why do we do this? I believe it is the way we were raised. I remember my parents saying something to me about taking care of them when they got old. We also don't want to be the assholes in the family because we would be dammed if we didn't do what we are doing.
Though my mother doesn't talk good about me she can't say anything bad either because those who know me would know different.
Ply, my mom tried to pull the don't tell the doctor thing and I blew her cover, when the dr. asked me how she was I told him I was told not to say. He explained to my mom that he was going to ask me anyway.
Donna your mom is full of drama. Is she fine when you return home? Then I would tell her she's a big girl and she doesn't need a babysitter.
I have been thinking alot about what our parents were doing at our age. Lets see I was 15, 30 years ago and my mom was my age 45. She would go shopping, out to dinner, visit the lady across the street, my dad was 65, retired, and would go out in the woods and cut trees down, would go out to dinner and visit his brother.
A simple life, the tough part was raising me. Their parents were gone along time ago. Big difference in our lives.
Cindi, hope everything goes well with sister.
Marylynne this ones for you :)
Miak, We hope at least you can learn how to make better choices from reading our postings. Its difficult sometimes when it comes to having to decide for others, you can't please everyone, unfortunately things don't usually get better with the elderly.
Sha hope you are havig a good day.
oxoxoox Judy
Its funny how you said what our parents would be doing at our age. I was 12 when my mom was 46. My grandmother lived by herself Monday thru Friday. My mom, called her maybe three times a day to check on her. On Saturday, my dad took her shopping all day, and then she stopped and picked up my grandmother. My grandmother would stay with us from Saturday night till Sunday afternoon and then we would take her home.
My mom says she took care of my grandmother 35 years. How? she did not live with us, she did not drive so she couldn't take her to the grocery, get prescriptions, go to dr's appts., etc. Her dad was dead. Don't get why I got stuck with this job.
I know why, because my mom was always super selfish.
Dr. Phil says, people pleasers are selfish. Because......we are pleasing to help appease something in ourselves. Do ya'll believe that. I would hate to think I am doing all of this out of pure selfishness.
Cindi, I have not been sleeping either, from taking that cymbalta.
Donna, Hope you hon, had a better day
Maria, Sha, Miak,
Love ya'll,
Marylynne
Know what you mean about the sainted husband, but not from my parents, from everyone else. Everyone I talk to says, OH YOUR HUSBAND MUST BE A SAINT FOR PUTTING UP WITH YOU TAKING CARE OF YOUR PARENTS!!! Yes, he has had to go through alot with me taking care of my parents, but gave me hell about it every minute of the way, so How is he a saint? I just say Yes, he is a good man. And, he is, except for giving me hell about what I have to do. He has to do it now with his mother, he just was lucky enough for it just to have happened to her in the last few years. I've had it for way too many years. He should count his lucky starts that it waited this long to happen to him.
Love and Kisses
Marylynne
Cindi, you posed a question earlier that I have a one word answer for, at least in my case. You said, "Why do we do it?" I'll tell you why.....GUILT. Plain and simple. Our mothers have ingrained it into our heads that it is our job to care for them in there old age. They have managed to manipulate us into feeling guilty if we don't. I wish I had a penny for every time I heard my mother say, "I took care of you kids, and this is the thanks I get?" And BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Hey, I didn't ask to be born. You took on the responsibility of caring for me when you had me. Now you make me feel like I owe you. So, my dear ladies, that is why I do it....Guilt. I have totally been guilted into this. That, and the fact that no one else will step up to the plate. Are you kidding, my brothers would NEVER take her in. I offered my youngest brother my share of the inheretence to take her and he was like; "No fucking way". So there you have it,
1.) Guilt
2.) No one else wants to be stuck with them.
So here I am, Good ol' daughter, taking it all on. And as everyone already knows, it's always the daughters who get screwed. Sons can go and live their life, and throw Mom a few crumbs here and there and Mom never complains. But if daughter is not there at her beck and call, she's no God damn good. Am I right?
I hate my life.
Hope you all have a good day,
Love you,
Sha
Will write more but just suffice it to say that yesterday was a day from hell not as bad but somewhat equal to one of the worse days in my life. My sister is in a mental health hospital seeking treatment. My brother, mom and I worked on her all day and with much suffering, frustration, turmoil, etc got her to agree to be admitted. This is actual a blessing. Needless to say Dad did not have much of an 85th birthday. I was gone from 7am til 5:30 pm working with my sister. Mom didn't feed dad lunch, she fed him breakfast late and I briefly came home to give him a change of clothes and his meds. Dog wasn't fed..etc. Was as if someone had died..life just stopped so we/I could intervene in my sister's behalf.
Sha, I was so distraught that I searched online about people pleasing. Got a few answers. Was not happy learning how I am still dysfunctional but at least I have more answers as to why my family life is so screwed up. People pleasers are raised...you are right. Also, it is a pattern that we are engaged in with our mothers. The pleaser and the ungrateful one. We must learn to require more for ourselves and retrain ourselves while still taking care of parents...what a job to undertake.
Love to you all...
bloodwork for dad today...visit sister, and take care of my needs..Hah! Oh yeah..mom too huh? (Mom the ungrateful one)...
Cindi
Food for thought
Cindi
by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist, 2001
- originally published at BodyTalk Magazine.com, Aug. 2001
Do you have trouble saying NO? Do you do things for other people but almost never ask anybody to do things for you? You may be a people pleaser.
People pleasers think of other people’s needs before their own. They worry about what other people want, think, or need, and spend a lot of time doing things for others. They rarely do things for themselves, and feel guilty when they do. It’s hard being a people pleaser.
People pleasers hold back from saying what they really think or from asking for what they want if they think someone will be upset with them for it. Yet they often spend time with people who don’t consider their needs at all. In fact, people pleasers often feel driven to make insensitive or unhappy people feel better - even at the detriment to themselves.
Constantly trying to please other people is draining and many people pleasers feel anxious, worried, unhappy, and tired a lot of the time. They may not understand why no one does anything for them, when they do so much for others - but they often won’t ask for what they need.
A people pleaser may believe that if they ask someone for help and that person agrees, that person would be giving out of obligation, not because they really wanted to. The thinking goes - if they really wanted to help, they would have offered without my asking. This line of thinking happens because people pleasers themselves feel obliged to help, and do not always do things because they want to. Sadly, people pleasers have been taught that their worth depends on doing things for other people.
It’s painful being a people pleaser. People pleasers are not only very sensitive to other people’s feelings, and often take things personally, but they also rarely focus on themselves. When they do take a moment for themselves, they feel selfish, indulgent, and guilty which is why they are often on the go, rushing to get things done. Because people pleasers accomplish so much and are easy to get along with, they are often the first to be asked to do things - they are vulnerable to be being taken advantage of.
People pleasers were raised in homes where their needs and feelings were not valued, respected, or considered important. They were often expected as children to respond to or to take care of other people’s needs. Or they may have been silenced, neglected, or otherwise abused, thus learning that their feelings and needs were not important. In many cultures, girls are raised to be people pleasers - to think of others’ needs first, and to neglect their own. Many women have at least some degree of people pleasing in them. Men who identified with their mothers often do as well.
People pleasers’ focus is mostly on others and away from themselves. They often feel empty, or don’t know how they feel, what they think, or what they want for themselves. But it’s possible to change this pattern and to feel better about yourself.
There are many ways to reduce your tendency to please others. Here are some suggestions:
Practice saying NO. This is a very important word! Say it as often as you can, just to hear the word come out of your mouth. Say it out loud when you are alone. Practice phrases with NO in them, such as, "No, I can’t do that" or "No, I don’t want to go there".Try it for simple things first, then build your way up to harder situations.
Stop saying YES. Try to pause or take a breath before responding to someone’s request. You may want to answer requests with "I need to think about it first, I’ll get back to you" or "Let me check my schedule and call you back". Use any phrase that you feel comfortable with that gives you time before you automatically respond with YES.
Take small breaks, even if you feel guilty. You won’t always feel guilty, but most likely in the beginning you will.
Walk slowly; it’s part of slowing down your pace.
Discover what gives you pleasure, for example, reading magazines, watching videos, going to a park, and listening to music, and then give yourself permission to do those things.
Ask someone to help you with something. I know this is a hard one but you can do it!
Check in with how you feel and what you are thinking. It’s important to be aware of these things; they’re part of who you are. And then try saying what you feel and think more often.
Many people pleasers believe that nobody will like them if they stop doing things for other people. If someone stops liking you because you don’t do what they ask, then you’re being used by them and probably don’t want them as a friend anyway. People will like you for who you are and not simply for what you do. You deserve to take time to yourself, to say NO, and to take care of yourself without feeling guilty. It’s within your reach to change - one small step at a time!
Kali Munro, © 2001
More...Girls...Love you
Cindi
As for the article you shared with us, I never read anything so true in my life. As a child, I was silenced. Do not complain, do not ask for anything, don't be silly. I was constantly frowned upon, made to feel like I was worthless. But guess who took Mom in? I guess it's a good thing she didn't drown me like she said she wanted to when I was born....where would she be now?
I'm so glad I have all of you to talk to.
Love,
Sha
Good for your sister.
As for the article, it actually made me cry. You would be the one to find such an article. You are an eloquent lady and so very helpful. I am going to print this article and read it every day to myself, like a prayer.
Sha, Amen sister to the guilt thing that you wrote, you expressed everything I ever wanted to say.
Love you all,
Marylynne
I always put others first until 1996 when my husband left me and I took a good look at how run down I was and started a new me, we worked things out and have been better ever since. I do things that make me happy and show that I feel good about myself, I know my mom stopped doing for herself thats her problem.
Cindi, I hope that your sister gets the help she needs and sticks with it. Get some rest and celebrate Dad's birthday today. oxoxoxo Judy
I liked your post about being people pleasers. I was definitely not able to express myself in our home as I grew up. I was fortunate/unfortunate enough to be born an empath. That means that I am extremely sensitive to signals from other people. I can actually feel other peoples physical pain sometimes. That sounds crazy, but it is true. My Mom was always manic depressive or bipolar. And my Dad had been raised in a very cold home. So the general message I got was Mom has enough feeling for the whole family, so you need to keep yours to yourself. It felt like being told to ignore my broken arm because at least it wasnt cancer.
As a child, I often had to be the Mom, because my Mom was out of commission.Dad thought that females were supposed to wait on men, so from an early age, I was sent to do things like bring food or coffee to him. Even my health was not treated as important. My Dad was one of those people who gets mad at you for being sick, because they dont know how to cope with it. And Mom's attitude was always that since I was 20 years younger, I had to be 20 years better off than she was.
She still thinks that. It has taken my health getting really bad, to make me start valuing myself and cause me to be able to speak up and say, excuse me, I am not able to do what you want today.
And ironically, it is so that I can stick around to take care of my family longer.
People pleaser? yes, i want people to like me. Yes, my entire life, i have tried to win her approval, and after 63 years, i find it is not important at all. all i really want is to punish her for the things she has done to me. Oh yes, i forgot to add that she stole my oldest son from me when he was 14 and never let him come back home to me. it was like a death, and i grieved terribly, but, she was uncaring then as she is now. I WANT TO BE FREE OF HER. IT IS TIME FOR HER TO GO.
cindi, glad to hear that sis is getting help needed. sounds like your life is as nasty as mine is sometimes. marylynne, dont you wish that you could jump off that bridge with sha? i do. love to all, Donna
These are the most horrible childhood stories I have ever heard. I hate that you were abused in the worse ways. I am crying as I read your posting that you could actually live through a childhood like this and still take care of such a horrid old witch. And Mia, I would see your movie and would love to see the house blow up.
Off the subject, taking my cymbalta 4 days now. I don't know if I feel anything yet, but almost had a blow up with Mom today and used maria or sha's advice, I don't remember which one said "do you really want to argue about this", and left it at that. Good advice, maybe I don't need the cymbalta, only need to listen to ya'll.
I did have a good childhood, except for mother having two nervous breakdowns. My father always told me to agree with everything my mom said to keep the peace. I blame him, not my mother for the situation I am in. He should have never told me that. I find me doing that to my own kids now just to keep the peace with my mother, I have to remember to let them speak their peace.
Love to all you girls with horrible childhoods,
Marylynne
My heart broke reading the stories. Happy that the article touched and moved you all and that it acting as a catharsis for getting bad stuff out. Hope we all can heal from it.
Love to all
Cindi
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Home Articles Conscious Living Are You a People Pleaser, Sept 05
Are You a People Pleaser?
The Disease to Please
by Peggy Hammes
Do you have trouble saying no? Do you do things for other peoplebut almost never ask anybody to do things for you? You may be a people pleaser,someone who thinks of other people’s needs before her own. People pleasersworry about what other people want, spend a lot of time doing things for others,and rarely do things for themselves—or feel guilty when they do.
It’s hard being a people pleaser. These types hold back from sayingwhat they really think or want if they perceive someone will be upset withthem for it. Yet they often spend time with people who don’t considertheir needs at all. In fact, people pleasers often feel driven to make insensitiveor unhappy people feel better, even at a cost to their own well-being.
Constantly trying to please others is draining, and people pleasers oftenfeel anxious, unhappy, and tired. They may not understand why no one does anythingfor them when they do so much for others—yet they rarely ask for whatthey need.
A people pleaser may think that asking for help obligates someone to giveagainst his will. If he really wanted to help, thinks the people pleaser, hewould have offered without my asking. This line of reasoning comes about becausepeople pleasers themselves feel obliged to help—not always because theywant to. Sadly, people pleasers have been taught that their worth depends ondoing things for others.
People pleasers are very sensitive to other people’s feelings but rarelyfocus on themselves. When they do, feelings of guilt and selfishness result.People pleasers were often raised in homes where their needs and feelings werenot respected or considered important. As children, they were expected to takecare of other people’s needs, or they may have been neglected or otherwiseabused, thus learning that their needs were not important.
In many cultures, girls are raised to be people pleasers—to think ofothers’ needs first, and to neglect their own. Many women have at leastsome degree of people pleasing in them. Men who identified with their mothersoften do as well.
Focusing mostly on others, people pleasers often feel empty, or don’tknow how they feel, what they think, or what they want.
The disease to please is a potent way to distract yourself from feeling, amask that covers pain—usually extreme pain. It hides your feelings fromothers and from yourself. This very attempt to make yourself feel better putsyou in a constant state of tension, one that comes from trying to detect others’ emotionalstates and how to respond.
Fortunately, it is possible to change this pattern and reduce the tendencyto please others. Here are some suggestions.
• Practice saying no. This is a very important word! Say it as oftenas you can, just to hear the word come out of your mouth. Say it out loud whenyou are alone. Practice such phrases as “No, I can’t do that” or “No,I don’t want to go there.” Try it for simple things first, thenbuild your way up to harder situations.
• Stop saying yes. Remember to pause and take a breath before respondingto a request. You might say, “I need to think about it first—I’llget back to you” or “Let me check my schedule and call you back.” Useany phrase that you like that gives you time before you automatically respond.
• Take small breaks, even if you feel guilty.
• Walk slowly; it’s part of slowing down your pace.
• Discover what gives you pleasure—for example, reading magazines,going to a park, or listening to music—and then give yourself permissionto do them.
• Ask someone to help you with something. I know this is a hard one,but you can do it!
• Check in with how you feel and what you are thinking. Then try sayingwhat you feel and think more often.
Many people pleasers believe that nobody will like them if they stop doingthings for others. But if someone stops liking you because you don’tdo what they want, you probably don’t want them as a friend anyway. Peoplewill like you for who you are and not simply for what you do.
You deserve to take care of yourself, and it’s within your reach to change—onesmall step at a time.
But despite the fleeting high of adulation, relentless praise-seeking exacts a heavy toll, warns Hap LeCrone, a psychologist in Waco, Texas. People-pleasers expend so much energy meeting others' needs that they lose sight of what they want from life. They're often seized by the disorienting feeling that they're not in control of their own lives, which leads them to lash out. "People please, please, please, please, and then they explode," says Earley—as when a woman who's catered to the needs of a self-centered partner for years finally goes ballistic and throws him out. "If you've been a pleaser for a long time, you're going to get more and more resentful of the person you're pleasing, and that can lead to passive-aggressive behavior," Earley says.
It also took me along time as an adult to touch things in the stores. My mother slapped my hand when I was young and it stayed with me for along time. My mother thinks you should instill fear in children. I have raised my sons to be heard which my mother thinks is disrespectful. I tell her all the time just because your family did things a certain way doesn't mean it was right. I still believe in manners, values, respect and the law but the best standard is just knowing wrong from right. Everything follows us into adulthood but as an adult we can change what we feel needs to be changed. Like my Dad he could have been an abuser like his Dad but he changed that pattern.
My heart is with all of you, Judy
Cindi, I was a pleaser. Being a daughter of an alcoholic father. I took on the responsiblity for everything. My brother's got in to drugs. They say you can go either way.
Man I hope one day I can just be responsible for me!
Mom did great with surgery, and is home and doing very well. I am very happy with everything so far.
Love to all!!!!!!
Susan Myers
Your Earley says thing is right on the money. You are so very helpful and I love you.
Marylynne
My mother has said she should have drowned as when we were born too...or flush us down the toilet. Also, she has said if she is ever born again she will not have children. Where do these mothers learn this sh*t from? Scary. Thanks, Sha she is on her way...but long way to go..hopefully she will do as they say. Glad the article spoke to you
Cindi
Love to you
Cindi