My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
I guess because I grew up in the country around farm animals and other critters I just don't have a fear of anything...not even spiders. Good thing my daughter has a Mama like me. When her corn snake escaped guess who caught it? Yup, good ol' Mama, with the help of my Cocker Spaniel....he spotted it under the radiator and I snatched it up!
I hope you and your family get some rest tonight. Give the family my condolences and thank them for serving our country.
I'm happy to have Jason with me too. He's had a crummy family life. When I told my daughter I had taken him in she said, "I know he'll be safe with you." It made me feel like I've done a good job as a mother.
I'm doing some car shopping, anybody have a Camry? That's my vehicle of choice. Let me know how you like it.
Hope everyone is having a better day...Love you all,
Sha
Love, Maria
I am so sincerely sorry that you lost your beloved Dad. I know he was a source of great comfort to you. I thought he was doing much better, what happened?
How is your mom taking it? I hope she does not give you trouble. I have a feeling this will hit her harder than she thinks. I say that about my mom all the time. She talks tough, but don't know if she would know what to do without my dad to yell at.
Any thing I can do, I am here to listen. Love you and get some rest. You will need it in the forth coming days. Keep in touch when you can.
Love,
Marylynne
I am so very sorry to hear that your father passed away. My heart goes out to you and your family. I am amazed that you can write here to us after all this. We are here for you. Write it out, sweetie. It is kind of unbelievable. Like Marylynne said your dad seemed to do better well kind of up and down. Poor man went through so much lately with collapsed lung and the kidney stuff. No more pain, no more discomfort only peace for him now. It is you that I worry about now. Like Marylynne said get as much rest as you can when you can, you will need it. I wish we were there so we could help you.
God Bless you Judy, and your sweet father in heaven.
Cindi
Maria
Love you,
Sha
We are all sad for Judy and the loss of her Father. This is the first passing we have had since I have been here. It is hard and sad. We all know we will have to face the same. Judy you did good and right by your Father. Devoted, beloved, dedicated, loving daughter. God Bless you, and your family at this dark hour. He knew you loved him, we knew you loved him.
I am thinking about you and praying for you all.
Cindi
I am so very sorry about your Dad passing, you are in my prayers and thoughts-he was lucky to have had a great daughter and he is now at peace. Take care dear lady.
You must be tired and running on reserves along with divine energy. You are very much on my mind. Sounds like you are doing well despite everything. You're right funerals are alot of work. I have often said it is similar to planning a wedding but backwards. You want everything to be right for your dear father. Honoring his memory and his life. Know that I am praying for you, your family and your beloved Father, Paul. God Bless you all.
I love you.
Cindi
I want to send my condolences on the passing and loss of your friend. I am sorry.
Take care of yourself.
Love
Cindi
Love, Maria
My sincere sympathies on your losses.
I have had a real bad day and feel terrible for venting at everyone's time of sorrow, but here goes.
My father took a fall saturday and was at the hospital all day Sunday. My mom wanted me to call my brothers and tell them my dad was enroute to the hospital. I told her that was like a slap in my face since they never help and never come when my dad is ill. I called to appease her. One of my brothers called later in the day to check the other did not.
This morning my sister-in-law called me to ask why I didn't call to let them know what happened. I told her that the phone works both ways. I told her I didn't feel I owed them a phone call when they are of no help to me. We had many nasty words and then she let lose with something that has hurt me to the core. She said she heard I was wishing my parents dead so that I could spend their money.
That hurt me so bad that I was hysterical on the way home and could hardly drive. If they know anything about me is that I am not doing this for any money. I told her if she wanted my job, she could have my inheritance. My mom and dad will have nothing left when they go. They are worried about the addition that was put on my house that they paid for. I am so hurt that I feel like committing suicide. This has truly pushed me over the edge. I will not hurt myself because of my daughter, but don't think i haven't thought about it.
My dad is very bruised, but no bones broken. I have to move him constantly and told my mother I can't take much more of this. Any more falls will put him in the nursing home.
Say a prayer for me to get strong to get through this.
I love ya'll,
Marylynne
Please don't think about taking your life. You are a good person and the world needs good people like you and all the girls in this forum.
I hope your Dad is doing better today. Sadly it is when they start falling that it is time to get them placed in a nursing home. I know it it's hard, but it is for the best.
I'm praying for you all the time.
Love,
Sha
i am so so tired. love all of u, donna
Thank you for all the uplifting words. And Donna, AMEN you and me are soul sisters. Well it got better today....
My brother called my mom at 7:00 a.m. and told her you wanted a war with my wife, well you got one and hung up on her.
I e-mailed my brother, because I am not strong enough from a full day of crying to handle more confrontation. I told him that I was very hurt at what his wife told me and he told me I owed his wife and apology are there would be hell to pay. He never heard a word I said, only that his wife was hurt. His threat is that he will tell my mother every nasty thing I said about her. Well, I think i covered that with my mother lately. The truth is he is pissed off that the addition will become mine when my parents die. I got news for him, I will go first, he don't have to worry about it, but it will be my husbands. I wish I could e-mail you the vicious things he said to me.
My mother, out of meaness, told him I hated him a few months ago, and he has been holding a grudge ever since. I explained to him that I hated him and my other brother for not helping me and letting me have some sort of life. He asked me if I wanted to trade with his life, because he has diabetes. He said hate is hate, i'm just trying to make excuses.
I will not apologize to his wife, I will go to my grave first.
Tomorrow night I have my first counselor appt. and Donna you are right there is no answer to this problem except for death, either theirs or mine.
I love ya'll,
Marylynne
Love all of you, Maria
What a day...suppose to have a stress test but someone messed up and they didn't have the dosage for some med they inject in me..so no test...this was after I had an iv line put in and was already undressed. Complained to the manager who was very empathetic and apologetic. Was rescheduled for new week..told them I hope it goes smooth she took down the date so..maybe it will all work out well. Hate prepping for a test and not be able to do it. Trying to take it easy now...don't want to do anything that I have to do. Get this way sometimes. A bit down...Judy, I'm thinking about you...miss you here. Can only imagine what you are having to do and go through. Hope your mom is okay. To all my other friends...keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars...one day you will get one..oh and by the way...you are one of the stars twinkling in the sky...your family and your parents are lucky.
Hugs
Cindi
gonna make dinner..tacos and spanish rice tonight...mother actually eats tacos..says I am mexican when I cook mexican food..laughing...
gonna bake a german chocolate cake too...dad's favorite..
Cindi...
Marylynne sorry you are having such a hard time, you are better then all the people in your life please keep your chin up.
I am really taking it alot better then I thought I would and my Dad would want me to be strong. My mom is starting to aggravate me though. She didn't spend anything on my dad for his funeral except the flowers for the wife. My Dad saved alot of money to make sure things were paid for and she is trying to take credit for the money spent on the opening and closing of his crypt.
And now she says he was her hero. I just passed that one over my head come on all she did was bitch at him the last 20 years plus. He was my hero not hers. And the tears really get me, the only credit I give her is staying with him for 47 years even if she verbally abused him. Believe me I'm sure there will be more to come from her mouth as the days move on.
Cindi, I hope you get through the test next time. oxoxoxoxo Judy
I am in my late forties, and have one sister who is three years younger than me. My mother is still alive, but my dad died of Alzheimer's eight years ago. My mother is in her eighties, and has trouble walking. She has some form of dystrophy, but the doctors are not sure what she has. She has had this problem since she was 72.
About a year ago, my sister (who lives out of state) persuaded my mom to move to an assisted living program. I had tried to persuade her for the last several years, but she wanted to stay in her house of fifty years. She hinted she wanted me to take her in to live with me and my husband, but I never made the offer. Her lifestyle, including her religion (I'm Catholic and she's Baptist) do not agree. Moving my mom in would never work. I was glad when she decided to move into an assisted living program, as she was falling a lot and needed assistance.
To cut to the chase, my sister moved out of town right after my dad started deteriorating with Alzheimer's. She did not want to be bothered with my parent's aging problems. At the time, I had my own problems-- my husband had an aneurysm, and I had to nurse him through brain surgery while my mother cared for my father. It was brutal. My sister never helped out at all.
Fast forward. My dad died, and my mother finally decides last year to move to assisted living, realizing that neither I nor my sister would move her in with us, for lifestyle reasons, and also because I never had a close relationship with my mom. I feel a duty to take care of her, but I don't feel like that equates with moving her in with me, which would be a disaster for all concerned.
I moved my mom to the assisted living program, then fixed up and sold her house she had lived in 50 years. I had just sold my house, and gone through the stress of building a house, when I then had to "put my life on hold" to get her settled into assisted living and fix up and sell her house.
The assisted living facility did not work out. It was one heartbeat away from a nursing home. Too institutionalized. The food became intolerable for my mom, as did the overpriced rent, and other assistance. So, I moved her to a more active senior living facility.
She's only been there a month, and is already complaining. I forgot to mention she has always favored my sister, the one who lives out of state. My sister can do no wrong. My sister is heavily in debt, yet my mother takes her financial advice. I have a college degree in finance, yet my mother thinks I'm a lamebrain. Go figure. She constantly complains around me. Nothing is ever good enough. I'm never there enough, and whatever I do, well....I can do more.
After the last move to a cheaper, roomier, better food
After the last move to a cheaper, roomier, better food & atmosphere place, she still insists that she can't do anything without my sister, who is out of state. I'm just a stupid daughter who can't find her way out of the bathroom. Unfortunately for her, I'm the only one left in town to care for her needs.
Why am I telling you my story? Here are some conclusions I've come to. I hope they help all you gals. I can relate to so many of your posts-- feel your pain, your frustration, and hope you won't ever surrender yourself.
1) My mother is very negative. Has been ever since I have known her (all my life, lol!). My tip is you can't change them. But fight like hell not to become them. Try as best you can to ignore much of what they say, and repeat your mantra you won't ever be like them.
2) Don't give advice unless the complaint is genuine. I am a problem-solver. I find myself giving my mom constant advice to help her solve her problems. She doesn't ask for it, and doesn't appreciate it. Afterall, I'm the lamebrain, remember? I have resolved not to give her advice anymore. I read somewhere you can't be your parents "happy clown." You have to break free, let them live their own lives.
3) My final tip is to never let your parents destroy you. If they are negative, and intent on a path of self-destruction, vow not to let them bring you down. If they have means, put them in a care facility. Look around. There are all levels of care. You might not have to stick them in a "dungeon." If you can't afford the facility, figure out what you can afford, and use the outside care. It's not worth your life. It's not worth your family to be constantly brought down and made to feel unworthy. You are worthy. You are a unique individual that deserves to live and pursue happiness. Keep the faith. I know I probably haven't helped much, but my heart goes out to all those in pain who are trying to give to parents who are ungrateful, selfish and unhappy. Much luv, Dani.
Beautiful words, and good advice.
Thanks,
Marylynne
Judy, I am thinking of you, and isn't it just like your mom and my mom after bitching all of these years to say he was her hero. I hope if anything happens to my dad, that my mom rots in hell for the things she says. IT is very kind of you to think of me when you are going through the worse time in your life.
Cindi, Hang in there, the same thing happened to me with a stress test. Didn't have the nuclear medicine needed, had to go back the following week.
Well, I went to my first counseling appt. last night. The counselor was very nice and said I was visibly shaken. I lied and told him I have never thought of suicide, knew where that would place me, but for now, I know I would not take my life because of my child.
He said I am the typical people pleaser. So here was his first words of advice. He wants me to buy a book called "boundaries", he wants me to walk, find a hobby that will take me out of the house at least one night a week and he wants me to make a list of everything I do for my parents and take one thing off the list per month to ween them from me just a bit. Very good ideas, but he wants me to stop cooking for them. I can't do that. I cook anyway.
At any rate, He wants me to count how many times a day I say I am sorry to someone. I did that today, I am up to 10. Next week, he wants me to wear a rubberband around my wrist and snap it every time I say I am sorry, when I didn't do any thing. Ideas are good, but I feel stupid. I will try, because I am that desperate.
Think I will look for a flower arranging class or cake decorating or just plain take a class on something. I am overwhelmed this week and can hardly get by. All the muscles in my neck have tensed up and the muscles in my throat hardly allow me to swallow. I told my mother she is the blame for all of this, so she is not talking to me and it bothers me, but I just don't care because I am that sick.
Donna, thank you for letting me e-mail those letters from my brother. It made me feel better that someone else read them. I feel such a bond to all of you girls, especially you because we talk about our mothers ugly, and I don't feel guilty when I read your postings.
Thanks again for all of you being my friends, going try to locate my book, so I can do my homework for next week.
Love and KIsses
Marylynne
Cindi, sorry about your test. That stinks when you get all prepared and then get cancelled. What a bummer. How have things been with your sister?
Judy, glad to see you back with us. The things you said about your mother remind me of my mother. Now that my Dad is in a nursing home, she has all good things to say about him, but when he was home he was nothing but a jackass to her. It gets under my skin when she gets all teary-eyed when she talks of him when he was well. Too bad she didn't treat him a little nicer back then.
Marylynne, I hope you do take a class. It will do you so much good to get out even once a week. And don't let your mother make you feel guilty for doing something for yourself. Let her talk, who cares? Make yourself happy, some way, some how. Keep up the counceling, I believe it will help you. You are like me, always trying to please people but nobody ever tries to please us, right?
Dani, welcome and thank you for your advice. I do try to follow most of that advice but as you know, it's not always easy. I can identify with you somewhat. My mother never believes anything I tell her but if someone else tells her the same thing, then it's accepted. I've gotten to the point where I don't even try anymore. Then she says stuff like "If you knew, why didn't you tell me?" BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BELIEVED ME ANYWAY!!!! My mother is also very negitive. I never do anything right and when I do, it's never enough. I hope I never make my only daughter feel the way my mother makes me feel. It's not a good feeling. And then she wonders why her children don't spend time with her.
On a happy note; you won't hear from me for at least a week, I leave Sunday for Vegas with my boyfriend. I will be thinking of you all and hoping you are having better times. I'll still be on-line for today but probably not all weekend.
Love you all,
Sha