My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
When I first got to Nashville w/Chris, I went to a Alzhmeirer's support group. A very fine pschoanalyst that specialized in Geriatrics was the moderator. He gave me so much wisdom in just a few words. He saved my life, that 1st year Chris' whole family who completely abandoned him (save for his sister in San Diego - would call regularly) started complaining about how I was handling things. They knew Chris when he was a Casino manager... (now you know why he's so manipulative - had to be to succeed in LV). I was at wits end. Dr. Petrie... said, "you are not your father... and since he had abandoned you - he has a lot to explain & make up for - if he ever could --- but, since you took this on, you MUST keep emotionally distant. You cannot let your emotions rule. You must be dispassionate." Now, I know that is hard (and I don't have the guilt feelings that many must that had parents & spouses that were their for them all their life.) But, it helped me. "The 36 Hour Day" is a great book, just google it... it also got me through a lot of pain... talks about manipulation more than anything. At first, he was very nasty & manipulating. But, when Dr. Petrie made me feel better, I started laying down the law... and stuck with it... my problem is sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees. Alone time for caretakers is sooooooo important. We had a respite program that gave me a little money for respite. It's over now here, but, you all may want to give your Senior organizations a call to see if the program is in your area. It's a federal program.
But I guess it doesn't matter how long you know someone they all have problems and attitude.
I am ready to blow my top ladies. This morning she's bitching about the faucet in the kitchen it drips if you don't shut it off tight. We have tried to take it apart to fix it but that won't work.
After hearing about the faucet for the second day I said " why don't you say lets go look for a new faucet, but NO YOU HAVE TO COMPLAIN" My mother thinks things should last a lifetime nothing is suppose to break. She said " I never had a house like this" I said " you never kept a house long enough to replace anything"
They had houses sometimes no longer then 3 years before buying a new one.
She blames the builder for putting cheap things in this house, we have been in here 6 and a half years and the house is still the builders fault.
Then she said " I would have to get a plumber to put the faucet in" I said " George ( my husband ) can do it" she said" I want it put on right" I said how wrong can you put on a faucet" if you have someone that can do it why pay a plumber I told her that was stupid.
My Dad never paid someone to do anything he could do. She tried to find an excuse for George not doing it she said " you have to get under the sink" I said " He has been under sinks and changed faucets before" HA.... Needless to say I got pissed off and went to take my shower.
The real point is if I waited for her to do anything as far as repairs to the house it would never get done, I always have to call, or go out and buy the part. We still don't have a foyer chandelier after 6 years.
But I think she manipulates by bitching long enough until I do it, thats why my dad did all that he did for her.
She just sits on her throne and bitches....... sorry for the harshness but I am mad.
Hope everyone elses day has started out better then mine.
Donna, can you walk around your neighborhood? that may help just a little, I know how you wouldn't want to go back in the house knowing that she is there but you may calm down a bit by walking. Take careoxoxoxo Judy
Hugs to you all
Cindi
Hugs to you all
Cindi
long time no postings. Hope everyone is doing good or at least okay. Rainy here the last few days. Driving down to Los Angeles, Chinatown taking the whole gang including sister to meet my mother's great niece and her family for lunch. Anyone ever try Chinese Dim Sum? It is like appetizer dumpling type food which is served off of hot steaming carts. You pick what you want as the waitress drives by. It is a Chinese food that we like to have with tea especially on the weekends. Potstickers if you ever had that is an example of dim sum..but there are many more. Hope you all turned your clocks back. Same old thing going on here. I feel slightly changed though. Have had 3 sessions with the eating disorder therapist and quite a few things have been uncovered and dealt with more and I'm feeling a bit weird, resentful, angry, depressed..you know all those feelings when you discover why you do what you do that is not good for you..and what you need to do to change it. Counselor said be better to have both parents out so I can take care of myself..what do you think girls?...laughing. Was asked what do I feel when she tells me to not think about my parents. What did I answer? I said I could not do that and feel good. So here I ammmmm!!!
Have a wonderful day
Love and Hugs
Cindi
Cindi, I like chinese food too but to find a good place is not easy, I do have a take out place I have used for years but lately it has seemed to change.
where's Marylynne? Hey mia and ply you better make that lunch date before the holidays. Not much else going on here cleaned the basement and took down the Halloween decorations, husband went through my Dad's garage boxes and cleaned his corner of the garage. oxoxoxo Judy
Did have a good time yesterdy except the argument sister and I had in the car on the way home. Mother is worried that if I am upset and don't help sister she will go crazy and not do well. I told her that is not the case. She is a lot better from the pyschosis she is taking meds but her personality problem is kicking in now. They lowered her meds which was helping personality problem too. In a nutshell my family esp my sister at this point think of themselves and do not care or conceive my feelings.
Donna I am glad you are looking into nursing homes..I really do think that is the answer. It has become too much for you. She treats you way too bad and you have no life at all. I am sorry some postings here have made you feel unable to vent.
Hugs to Mia, Judy, Sha, Austin, Ply and Marylynne.
Bummed today found out my surgery will be postponed due to my A1c (glucose being too high)
I have to say, I agree with Medicalman. I believe that our parents, mother's especially, no matter what our age, will always feel like they are in charge of us. They are NOT to be told what to do by us. They are the parent and we are to do what they say. They don't see us as functioning adults, able to make decisions, able to be in control. They refuse to let go of the reigns. And we, as responsible adults, no longer want to be told what to do by our mother. We don't want to have to check in, we don't want to tell them where we go, why we bought that, or defend how we raise our children. It's an uphill battle filled with a constant power struggle. Who wins in the end? It's hard to say. That's why I've learned to pick my battles. For the most part, I let her have her way. It's just easier in the long run. She doesn't see what a hypocrite she is even when it stares her right in the eye. Am I going to battle her on this? Nope. It's not worth it because it's a no-win situation. However, I do tend to try and not be around her for long peroids of time because after a while I can't take her ways. If she realised this, maybe she would be different and we could spend more time together. She's the loser in the end but there's no explaining that to her. She constantly wails
Let me see if I can remember.....
She constantly wails, "Why don't my children talk to me?" It's on the tip of my tongue to tell her why but I know the words would be harsh for her to hear and I don't want to intentionally hurt my mother. So I just sit and suffer in silence.
So there it is, that's my peace. You may or may not agree with me but for me, that is what works. And at least I have a fair amount of harmony in my house. I know she's never going to change. Sometimes it's easier to go with the flow than to try and go against the tide. Don't get me wrong, I still battle her on different levels. I don't discuss things that I know will end up in an arguement. I've learned how to avoid confrontations. Yes, it's hard to try and stay one step ahead but I kind of look at it as a challenge. And for everytime I avoid a negative situtation I give myself a point.
I hope I didn't offend anyone. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Love to all,
Sha
That was so very well said. Only, if I could learn to do what you do. I am so trying to do that. After the last outburst, where I feel, I put her in her place. I told her that she was standing on the edge of disaster with me and our relationship would end, she hasn't been quite as bad, or maybe its me who just exploded my true feelings, and made me feel better.
Whatever the way, you and medicalman are definitely right. I try to do what ya'll say and I keep hoping it will get easier, but for now it hasn't.
I do appreciate all the advice.
Love to all you girls,
I have been trying not to write so much, because I felt like I was being to repetitive. No one wants to hear complaints all the time.
Love,
marylynne
Hope all my friends are fine, hope to hear from all of you soon. oxoxoxo Judy
I love your post-dear lady how can you keep your sense of humor-if I had your life I would be crying or yelling all the time-you are my hero. Judy it is so good of you to help your aunt, the husband came home yesterday from the hosp. he had refused to go to rehab then we foind out he could not anyway because he had been in the hosp. three times since being out of rehab and has to be home 60 days-that seems to be new rules and we can not get medicare home care and I had to cut down on our paid aide by one day after making out a budget, oh well if you all can cope with all your problems I guess I will also