My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
I hope you stay on this site-you were one of those who helped me when I first came to this site and your friendship and wisdom was so great-it did me good to hear about others lives and I realized I had it a lot easier then most of you and helped me decide to try to keep the husband home instead of a nursig home-you not being here would be a great loss to us.
God bless all caregivers...and those whom we watch over. We all walk on eggshells regardless of which side of the fence we may be on, because we are human
Donna
brclark, so true. We are vested in the authority of the relationship even when health erodes the natural order of the relationship.
jamil, sad to say, the stress is part-and-parcel of the package of caregiving. The best way I have of managing my stress is to ensure that every single day finds me doing at least one thing that I enjoy, be it for 5 minutes, if that is all I may have to spare that day, or for up to 4 hours, if I am fortunate on any given day. For me, that is more than enough to keep my life in balance. Little things keep me happy and remind me to smile and I allow myself to cry when I feel any tears wanting to go away. Tears can be healing, at least for me. Then, honk your nose, wipe your eyes, and look up at the sky. The sky is always beautiful.
I should be more patient, I should try and understand that this is just temporary, according to him, that he will be able to take care of himself again soon.
I need to be more patient....I need to do for him from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed, I don't do enough to take a break....but if I really need one, I am to just leave him home alone and go get myself some coffee.
I can't leave him home alone. And I take breaks rather he likes it or not.
I know how much it hurts when they tell people that you don't do anything for them-the husband always said that -he is bipolor and really believes it is true but I know others know that is not true and if they believe him they can blow it out their ear, it is just something they do maybe it makes them feel better.I wrote a list for our pastor at his request of all the things I was willing to do and it was a LONG one when I showed it to the husband-he said but what are you doing for me.I am glad you are with us on this site.
I do the same thing. My mother doesn't sleep the whole night through. Needless to say I rarely sleep myself. Late at night, when I know she will be out for at least 2 hours, I drive down to the local all night store and get some hot cocoa or something. It's cold out, but I also walk slowly back into the building. Everything is so quiet and peaceful at those times.
Ply
Donna
Blessings
Laurie
God bless you and give you peace -Lira
shadylady... sounds like my mother in law when she lived with us several years ago she had dementia and alzheimers one in the same I am thinking after reading all your posts. sounds like you are going thru a rough time I know I did. After about a year of that she went back to her daughters to live it didn't seem to bother her as much as it did me I also had a 16 year old boy at that time and she would run around the house naked etc so I had to make a choice. She had left her daughters to come to live with us thinking she could have more pleasure and we did provide that she got out more she got her hair done and nails and out to eat, shopping etc. I hope you can deal with this because it is hard not to take it personally. She acused my son of stealing her panites etc what 16 year old wants old lady drawers LOL so back to her daughters she went and than it wasn't long she died. I felt guilty for a long time she was also a diabetic and I took really good care of her she didn't always like it because it is scarry for them when their independence is all but gone.
Now #2 I am looking for suggestions. I am now taking care of my mother. long story short her back hurts all the time, she lies to her doctor so he now only sees her every 6 months because she will not do anything he asks her to do or I tell her to do she's over weight high blood pressure, will not exercise, will not do anything around the house except fix herself something to eat and every now and then unload, load and run the dishwasher and do her laundry, her room is approx. 15 steps from the bathroom we leave the hall light on at night. She took my tiny little trash can I used by my desk at home and she pees in it at night. My mother is a big woman and thinking it would be easier for her to use I brought down the pottie that I used for my dad before he died. She picked it up and put it in the living room and said she will not use it because its for invalids! Well, I am going to get the little waste basket out of her room, she doesn't want anyone in her room, my house I must say, and I do give her some privacy but she won't take a shower or bath we have things for her to hold onto so I have a seat you put in the tub refuses to use that well she can't pull herself up out of the tub so whats next if she gets sick and she doesn't bathe enough if and when she ever goes to the hospital she will be a grand candidate for MRSA. Do I make myself sick worrying about all of this. The big thing with the little can is if her back hurts so bad she can't dust or sweep or anything than she shouldn't be squatting over a little can and perhaps fall, shes' done that before, than its clean the carpet well the little string of dominos that goes on and on forever you all know what I mean. So I am open to ideas. and I thank you in advance. neon
think long and hard before you add the addition. i did that five years ago because i was so tired or going down to their house to get the paper, get the mail, pay the bills, bring cooked food, fill meds, clean their house, mow the yard etc. everything had to be at a certain time. i have three children then they were 15,10
It explores both at home and institutional care, but does it in a very personal empathic way. As a psychologist who deals with the elderly and their families, I found this beautifully written and very helpful.
Dr. Charles Merrill