My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
Since my computer is downstairs it’s hard for me to get as often as I would like. I must say that I believe you all have me beat for dr. appts. My mother usually goes every six weeks, so I guess I am lucky that way. Now the pharmacy is a different story-I seem to be there about 3 times a week! Lucky for me it is only up the street.
As far as being critized by different people, lately it is only family-not my husband or kids just my sisters. They are always telling me what to do and say to my mother, but like I said before—if you don’t do it 24/7 then you have no right to make a comment-unless it is on a positive note. He primary doctor has been wonderful with me and he takes the time to listen to me vent all of the time. I see him see so much that he seems like a family member.
I told my husband the other day that I am to the point that I hate the sound of her walker, and I know that sounds horrible, but when I hear it first thing in the morning that means my day has begun.
Cindi-I hope the next few days get better for you. I will be thinking of you and your family!
By the way I live in New York
Toni
Toni, i had to laugh when i read your comment about the walker. I feel exactly the same way. When she goes to bed at night, i sigh a sigh of relief, and when she gets up in the morning, i feel a little perturbed that my time for myself has ended. Marylynne, I totally agree with you in the fact that i love my mother (at least the mother i used to have), and i want her to have the best possible care, which is why i have done the things i do. I am not all bad, and sometimes i know i say things on this website that makes me sound a little mean, but, as you said, we all have to vent sometime, and it is much better when you vent to someone who totally understands. If you haven't been where we are, you just dont know the difficulties that we endure.
My mind has been on Peg lately, wondering about her situation. anxious to hear from her again. And Shari? are you doing ok? Judy, hope you are doing good too. Beautiful spring weather for the scouting things. I had 4 sons, so i know about scouting events, and they are fun!!!! love to all of u, Donna
So don't feel bad for thinking things out of frustration. I constantly mumble to myself nasty, horrible things, that I never thought would cross my mouth ever. My little girl says to try to remember her as she was when I was little. I don't want to tell my child, but she was mean and selfish then, but she was a good mother. But, now I see where the selfishness came in...It was always there, she just didn't show it as much when she was younger.
And Toni, Oh My God, I know just what you mean. First off, I feel like vomiting in the morning, when I have to go in the room and check on each one of them. I can't stand the morning. All I look forward to, and its a shame, is going to bed at night.
Love you girls,
Marylynne
Donna the scouts do camp outs every month and I would love to go for a weekend with them but I am even hesitant to do that. We are planning vacation in July and I am going to do that come **** or high water.
Marylynne, I think the same way I even wish she would go back into the hopsital so I can have some peace. I even thought of disappearing last night, just taking off and not coming back. But I think of my boys and soon that feeling goes away.
Alot of ppl don't realize that we have our own personal problems outside of having to take care of our parents. We have to hold a relationship with our spouses or others, our kids, money, bills and ourselves which we tend to do last if at all. Theres alot more to it then taking our parents to appts. running their errands, cooking and cleaning for them and giving them their meds, writing their bills out,giving them a shower, and sometimes just listening to how they feel and trying to ease the pain. Thats just a fast example of what we are bearing everyday, maybe this will open someones eyes. oxoxoxo Judy in Michigan
sometimes i feel like laughing at the irony of all of this. And, then i want to cry. luv donna
This morning my Mom hugged me for the first time in months and said, I don't know what I would do without you and I just thought "hypocrite". She's only nice to me when she feels like being. I know they can't help their situation. But what about mine. The best thing is these people do not want to die. They think of things all day that they could use to make them stronger. Get me this vitamin, get me a colon cleanser, it kept egyptians alive until past 100. If they live till 100, I'll be 66. What if they live past 100. My dad says he staying alive to see my Mom go first, then he will go.
I think thats whats making me sick right now, is the unknown of how much longer I have to do this and If I will die first. I just don't know what to think. How old are your boys Judy? My girls are 20 and 12. And How old are you? My oldest cries and says, she just wants to see me happy. Sounds like Donna's kids.
You want a laugh, I told my girlfriend, because of this addition going up, What would happen if I die and my husband was left with these old people in the addition. My girlfriend said thats for him to worry about you will be dead! He can throw them out and use you life insurance to pay them off for the addition. I said I guess you are right. Why should I worry whats going to happen to them, I'm dead.
Ha! Ha! I guess I would be replaced right a way.
Love ya'll
Marylynne
I let my significant other, move in with me. he is going to give up his apartment May 1. My mom is livid, but if it wasnt about that, it would be about something else, so, let her be mad. Let her make her sarcastic remarks. I just really dont care. I was so ready to put her in a nursinghome last week, and he said, No, dont do that, I took care of my dad til his death and i will help you with your mom. If she only knew how much he wants to help her, she would be a little nicer. It just isnt inher to be nice tho. I wonder now, if she had remarried when her husband died, would she be happier now? She was widowed at age 43, and never dated or even looked at a man after that, and takes great pride in that fact. To me, that just is not normal. She seems to hate all men (and any one else who is not a blood relation) She was lamenting the other day that she just didnt have any friends, well, to have a friend, you have to be a friend, and she never wanted to have friends, her family was all that was important. When i go to see my best friend, she says,"yall cant even go to the bathroom without each other"......Makes me want to shake her silly. All these hateful mean remarks are driving me nuts. and i like you, hate her so much at times that i just want to run away. If not for her, i could be having a great time, traveling and stuff, but, in my golden years, i have to still be taking care of someone........... so tired of it.... well, enough gripes for this am. have a good day (haha) Donna.
Well therapy didn't go well this morning, Left the house fine but when we got there he didn't want to cooperate to easy. He claimed he had diarriha didn't mention it til we got there. Had to use the bathroom at therapy and complained thank God it was our last day there. Gave him a new drug last night to help him sleep its actually an anti depressant but relaxes the muscules he claims to have slept 7 hours but we still had the problem this morning.
Have to take him this week for a xray on his back and in two weeks for a nerve check. MORE APPTS !!!!!
Marylynne, my sons are 18 and 15 and I just turned 45 and my husband just turned 43. If any of us died our parents would die soon after because I think it would devistate them and then we would have to take care of them in heaven HA HA i hope not!!!!
Donna, i felt like driving away and never coming back the other day, but I think of my boys and it goes away. Everyone have a wonderful day oxoxoxo Judy
And i can already predict what dinner will be like. Hope eveyones day is better then mine Judy
My day is no better, Mom is a smart @ss when she has no backache. Its a shame when you hope they wake up feeling bad just so you can get along with them.
Donna, Glad you're moving in your boyfriend. He sounds like a truly kind person and hope that makes your life worth living. You deserve it.
Love you girls,
Marylynne
Now the evening will be worse then ever, can't wait for my hubby to get home from work. I don't even want to face her now, she is like an evil person. I probably won't converse with her if I ignore her its best. Feeling crappy and very sad. Judy
Did they act that way when you were young. I remember my mom and dad always arguing and mostly, it was my Mom. My dad would have told her the sky was purple to make her happy. Hang in there, I have went in my room and locked the door and cried just like a baby. Feeling like I am punished in my own house. So, I know where you are coming from.
Donna, Tomorrow is a better day, Move in day for friend. Don't worry boyfriend will handle mom, sounds like he knows what he's doing better than us.
Cindi, Hope you are o.k. with the anniversary you have had to face. Hope you get through it o.k. You and Donna are the strongest caregivers I know. If I have had to go through what ya'll have, I don't know if I would be taking care of anyone. I think if nothing else, I would have used it as an excuse not to. I am not that kind any more. I don't think I am doing things with a good heart any more.
Love, Marylynne
I see most of us had bad day yesterday! There is so much I want to type at the moment because I am so livid after yesterday-but I will save it for later.
All I really want to add at the moment is to Cindi-- Please try to have a good day and we all will be thinking of you.
Toni
Alot of the arguing I heard as a child was about money. Its gotten worse as they get older. She to shakes her fist at him and he says she has hit him but not when I am around, she is very verbally abusive and emotionally abusive. My Dad never called my mom names when I was growing up and he still hesitates now and he would never get physical with her.
well have to do the grocery shopping today seems to be ok so far.
Donna I wish we could all run away together OXOXOX Judy
She only thinks of herself and wishes him dead all the time, thats why he is living so long, he is trying to prove her wrong.
Love, Marylynne
After fixing a pharmacy problem for her, I get the verbal abuse about how its my failt that she has to take drugs because I sent her to the hospital a year ago this May. How can you blame someone that loves you, someone that you have to look to for help? I ignored the comment to avoid an arguement. Remember to be the bigger person which I am.
I sometime think that even though my Dad is 94 he may outlive my Mom. oxoxoxo Judy
I read all your postings last night. Strange how we open up more and more. I thought it was just my mother who tried to hit my father. These mothers have a lot in common, it is scary. After my son passed away. My Mother, Father and Sister went downhill. The family broke up. I've had to work with my brother in keeping things together as best we can. I mention this because my mother would get mad at my father for "talking back to her" and try to hit him with her cane or knock him to the ground etc. Once my sister called the police on her. All this even though she was told my an Altzheimer care person that he is 100% not accountable for what he says or does. I guess our mothers all have bad personal/emotional/mental problems that have gotten worse because of their ages and their declining health and minds. They just don't care anymore and act anyway they like of how they feel. They take it out on us and their husbands etc. We, are generous, loving, giving and compassionate trying to take care of them despite everything and trying to do it with a loving spirit even though sometimes we don't feel loving. It is so hard to rise above it all and see that they are suffering too. We must not allow them to treat us badly though, girls. I know at this stage of the game, they will not change. Perhaps, it will just worsen. But, if they clearly treat us bad and are hurtful we must speak up and tell them how we feel what they are doing and how it isn't right. I pray for all of us. We are just trying to do what we feel is right and good.
Love and hugs to all of you...all of us.
Cindi
I lost a cousin of mine her name was Cindy too. She was 47 and died of a brain anarisum not known to her that she had it. She left behind a husband and adoptive daughter age 9 at the time. I never knew how to handle the relationship with them after that.
Today took Mom for her bloodwork and she asked me why I was so crabby. I told her she doesn't understand anything. I have never been able to be in a mood of any kind ever since I was small.
Have a great day girls oxoxo Judy
Judy, isn't it funny how we are not allowed to be in a mood, but they can be. Anytime I answer my mom with any kind of aggravation in my voice, she jumps my case and says don't take your bad mood out on me, only if they knew the bad mood was about them.
Love,
Marylynne
Judy, I'm sorry that even your moods as a child were so affected until now even. I think we all were to some degree or another. Once again we watched and learned from our mothers who were our examples. No wonder, huh?....Well they did the best they knew how to do too I suppose. Just sometimes people's best affects others negatively.
Father has bronchitis since Tuesday and now my husband and I are sick. I have asthma so not good when I get sick. Took mom and dad to her PT appt and then treated them to lunch (Japanese) my mother likes asian food the best (she'll at least eat some of it). Home now and reading your postings. Dad is in his room, just gave him his cough med and tylenol. Mom just went for a walk and home in her room resting. I'm going to lie down for a bit. Not feeling too well. Tomorrow is my goddaughter's 14th birthday party. Suppose to go, hired caregiver. Husband and I were going to make a night of it and see a movie. Not sure now. Mother was complaining about how I love to go. Never seen anyone like me. A housewife who goes out by herself to movies..etc. Said my husband is a dumb dumb for letting me go so much. etc..etc. I laughed (even though it bothered me) and said..you are right mom, I am special...very special. Why are you complaining (gabriel brother) told you I need to get out. She said how much is gabriel going to have to pay more....I said nothing. If I need to I will pay into it. If she doesn't agree to what we do we hear about it. Yesterday, was my day away...I left at 2pm and came home at 7. I came home cause started feeling ill. I like to come home when she is in bed! haha...Saw the movie with Jackie Chan and some other Kung Fu..guy. It was free! Because the movie I wanted to see was taken off and not advertised. I complained (complaining does help sometimes girls! (Smiles)...) manager happened to be there and said I could watch any movie playing at the time on their dime..sooooooo..that part made me happy!...Wasn't too bad either...I use movies as cinematherapy...tomorrow we were going to see that "Sarah Marshall" movie...will see how we feel...may end up staying home.
Oh, my daughter was so sweet she sent me flowers to brighten my day on son's birthday. Such a sweet girl I was surprised, she is growing up to be quite a loving spirit. Take care my special loving friends...
Cindi
i am here to complain again! yesterday, i went out of town for a few hours, when i came back, my mother had been in my room snooping around. Made me so mad. i am still seething about it. Not that i have any deep dark secrets, just that she has no business doing that, and under the pretense that she is cleaning my room. damned bed was made, nothing else needs to be done..NO PRIVACY.
Today she told me that she was going to lock don out. i told her she was going to do nothing of the kind, and if she didnt like it she could go to a nursing home.. she settled down and shut up for a while. Probably getting ready for the next attack.,. hate her more daily.Donna
Went to doctor with husband yesterday. We both have bronchitis, mine is worse. Dad is getting better from his bronchitis. Mom is keeping away from us she is the only well one (physically that is). Missed goddaughters birthday celebration due toour illness. Mom was probably glad we stayed home. I am a bad patient, restless. Working on getting as much rest as I can make myself get. Have a good Sunday, ladies.
Hugs
Cindi
Also going to have to get something for her to eat. Have nothing here that interests her although I did make soup yesterday. Maybe that will help. I wrack my brains trying to feed her. Usually I get complaints. My heart feels heavy today with the burden I somehow place on myself regarding my mother. She is out in her garden right now. 8:35 in the morning. That is a good thing. Hopefully it will help her feel better. I am shut up in my room with breakfast. Wishing my father would sleep longer so I don't have to give him breakfast just yet. Have to call the dentist for mother also her doctor. I'm slowly getting better but still sick. It usually takes me a few weeks to get better. After two days on antibiotics my mother asks me aren't you feeling better yet? I said a little. Thinks she wants miracle wellness. Wish I could. Wish husband was home with me today. He went to work. Have to try to find a better attitude about this. I am lucky I can take care of my parents, right?
Take Care of yourselves
hugs
Cindi
Cindi take care of you. I believe that our moms can take care of themselves in a pinch.
Donna my mom one time came up to my room and walked in on my husband when he was naked, I blew up at her and she acted if it was no big deal. Tell your boyfriend to be careful.
We haven't heard from Peg she's the one who had to deal with the hospital and her mom.
Took Dad to the pacemaker dr. today and his pacemaker had recorded a shock. I knew it had happened and he said that we have to avoid it if at all possible. That was a day when my mom made him feel really low. So I told her that we have to make him as happy as possible, do you think she can do that??? If it happens frequently the shocks we may decide to have to turn the device off and then it could me death soon after. So far it has only happened once. Have another appt for Dad on Wednesday. oxoxoxo Judy
Life goes on. Cindi, i do believe the dementia is worsening on my mom,. the doctor told her the other day that she needed to be nicer to me, and she scowled at him and said, she isnt nice to me. In private he told me that he was sure her problem was alzheimers, although there is no sure testing for it. She has been having more moments where she tries to tell something and loses it mid stream..I know this could be quite frustrating, and i am sorry for her, but she shouldnt get mad at me because she forgot what she was going to say. am trying to be nicer, and kinder to her, see if that helps the situation...... I know all she has in her life is me and my kids. Her brother and his wife came by yesterday to see her for a few minutes, and that brightened her up a bit. She is negative about so much, it is hard to be positive when talking to her, so often, i just dont. And Judy, you are right so often we come here with heavy hearts. revans, welcome to our world, we vent, and somehow makes us feel better to knowthat others are in the same boat. love all you girls.Donna
Love to you all,
Cindi