My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
I stayed one year. Then I wanted to return to Nashville. He wanted to go with me. By this time, he had gotten another dog (tiny Chihuahua which just barely lived). I had my own apartment. So I said ok. He had let his Yorkie out & poor dog disappeared. I put signs all over. I got the Parrot checkout & a new cage & food. Off we went from Las Vegas to Nashville tandem 2 cars. 3 cats, 1 dog, 1 parrot & my ex & father. When I got here we got a house & I had no idea what I was in for. I took him to a doctor, many doctors. Bladder cancer, kidney cancer, chronic depression, Alzhmeirer's, and a stroke he never knew about. Well, we did treatments for the cancer & now he takes 2 pills for the Alzhmeirer's,. He takes an antidepressent, but, he used to drink heavily and smoke. I got him on ODoul's and finally off smoking (which I battle). Now he will not even get up unless I take him out for dinner & drinking. He just sleeps. I did take him everywhere with me hoping he would start doing things on his own... but, not going to happen. Just last week, I went out by myself. It was like a breath of fresh air. I was strangling. I had a dinner and a glass of wine & spent the whole day by myself... he has a sitter. I just didn't care anymore because he will not do anything by himself. Yet, he knows when I say we're going to Johnny's (a little pub). He remembers to the next day... yet, he will not do anything at all to feed his dog or help me. I found a good rescue home for the Parrot & all the animals are in good shape. I have a Gallery showing coming up & feel more myself than ever. I had to get the resentment out of his not taking care of me for all my life & then me taking care of him. If he was really disabled... I would feel bad for him... but, he's not... he's just very manipulative. When I went out by myself... and came back... EVERYTHING was fine. Just GO OUT. Thank you for letting me vent.
Went and got my hair trimmed today I feel much better, taking the witch to her friend's house tonight while I go to a card party. Not going to play cards just visit.
Ladydi we need all the prayers we can get. oxoxooxox Judy
I know I am extremely blessed that she has all her mental and most of her physical capability, except for some pretty bad arthur itis as she calls it. As I had mentioned in my past posting, our relationship is good due to me not taking any of her crap any longer. So, I don't wish her dead, I leave her in God's hands, I'm just not as strong as he is:) My wish for you all today, is the strength to deal with your situations and praying and believing and standing up for yourselves will help you get there. Have a blessed week-end, Ladydi
Marylynne
Oh my god, thats my mom all over. Want's to get money out of everything. I'll give my kids clothes to kids that need them when she grows out of them and my mom says keep them, or sell them. No way.
How old is your mom?
Today, my mom has a list of medical things that need to be done:
She needs to get her cataracts taken out
She wants a steroid epidural shot for her back
She wants to go to the cardiologist to get her stress test
She wants my dad to go to the podiatrist
She wants a colonoscopy
Do these people expect to live forever?
Yesterday I arranged for my dad to get a haircut.
This morning got the alarm people to come to put a button around his neck, now this they have been complaining about forever, he comes and then they say they don't want it.
Today, we went to the bank to take care of annuity transfers and etc.
Everything is for them. I am afraid if she is pain free, she will be more of a pain in my ass. Sorry, if anyone is offended, but I can't stand the thought of her feeling good enough to aggravate me every moment.
Is that mean? I don't care.
Love you girls,
Marylynne
My mom saw an ad in the paper that someone needs a wheelchair at a reasonable price, instead of calling herself she says we just can't give it away, and then starts to accuse me of giving it away. I didn't even call the number or say how much we should ask. But you don't get anything for used stuff and she should know this because we used to sell other peoples stuff at estate sales.
She really started to piss me off, if I waited for her to sell the bed or the wheelchair you know what would freeze over. Just venting girls, I don't feel like I want to do anything now because I won't do it right. I will probably just have to wait until she dies to be able to make my own decisions. Judy
We all want to be grown up and not have to answer to our parents, tell them every move we make, we should be able to come and go as we please.
Cleaning my son's room today pretty, quiet right now until the boys come home.
Austin, good for you, it is very upsetting to have to fight and repeat yourself until someone listens. take care Judy
Maybe you could call her every so often and reassure her of where you are and that you are OK and will be back at such-and-such a time. She may feel more at ease knowing she's talked to you and you'll be back.
Good luck.
Sha
I won't be able to go away for a weekend or a night without this problem. What should I do?
Any suggestions?
My husband in the hospital for two days and today he called to say they were planning to kick him out again about the fourth time since his toes -two- were removed in April after talking to the hospitalist and the social worker on the phone and trying to get them to listen to reasoning that having an MRSA infection in all 4 wounds and only getting 3 days of only one IV antibotices was not long enough to kick the infection. Of course they did not listen even though he still has a temp. Then I called medicare and after talking to two people his discharge for tomarrow is now cancelled- you can fight city hall! I am tired of being pushed around.
Marylynne, I'm so proud of you! It's high time you put Mom in her place. The more you bend down to her the more she'll abuse you. You have to take away her upper hand and let her know you're just not going to let her push you around anymore. Bravo sweetheart!
Judy, I know your pain with missing your Dad. It's only been 9 days since my Dad passed. I think of him every minute of the day. I know he's safe now but it still hurts.
Cindi, you are so cute....are you on a diet? I must have missed that part. I'm trying to get myself motivated to lose some weight but I just love food so much it's very hard to commit to a program. Hang in there honey, we'll lose together!
Maria, Donna, Austin Miak, hope you are having a good day today.
Love you girls!
Sha
Just a little house cleaning note to tell you that the therapist said I'm a neat freak, because that is the only thing I can control in my life.
Could have been worse, could have been a hoarder.
Love,
marylynne
I have a hospital bed that I have to sell now that Dad is not here. There is also a wheel chair, commode, transfer board.
Marylynne like my Aunt says "Your parents need you more then you need them" maybe she needs to hear that.
All my mom has to yell at now is the TV especially with the candidates it fuels her fire.
Cindi did you ever watch the show Clean House look for it the houses are disgusting I could never live that way.
Donna,Sha,Maria, Austin,Roxanne,Tori, Pam,and any others take care and do something for yourself first, me I'm going SHOPPING!!!!!! oxoxoxo Judy
Anyway, I am glad I found this site. I will be checking back often. It helps my sanity!
ttyl,
Pam
Wondered like Donna what ever happened to Cathy? I wonder if something bad happened to her dad? Wish she would write to let us know.
Judy..wish you could clean my house..sigh. I hate house cleaning...decided I am to do as little as possible today. Down today...lotsa stuff going on and things to worry about. Daughter called last night wanting to change schools etc cause of breakup with bf...have to make an emergency trip up north to give her her car on Sunday. Has been relying on bf to drive her around which was not smart. She is scared to drive.
Even when I try to relax I find things to do..ugh..
Diet class again tonight...mom is making all kinds of delicious smelling foooddddddddd...
Hugs
Cindi Miak you are funny as usual.
Cindi
I just want to say that I hope you can find the strength to draw boundaries with your parents and make a good life for yourselves. Sacrificing yourself for unappreciative / abusive parents isn't necessary for you to be a good person.
I grew up in an emotionally abusive household and it really does suck the life out of you. I can't imagine how it would feel to be stuck in that situation and feel obligated to care for that person to the extent that you feel you must sacrifice your life for theirs. My family situation only changed after I demanded to be treated with respect... and I drove home the point by not talking to my parents for over a year. And it really helped! Now I enjoy a great relationship with my parents. And during the break in our relationship, I realized that I felt so good without hearing their criticism and negativity every day and at every turn, that I was willing to sacrifice having a relationship with them if they weren't able or willing to change.
There is nothing wrong with putting your folks in nursing homes, if it's financially feasable for you. It's not cruel, heartless, or uncaring. It's okay to not take on their burdens. And, if they were thinking of you at all, they would insist on going to a home themselves. My mom put my grandma in a nursing home for many of the reasons that you've all been good enough to share... she wouldn't take her meds, she was depressed, she had very complicated medical issues, and she was SO rude and demanding that it was hard to be around her. My grandma's health florished while in the nursing home, her social life and general outlook on life greatly improved, and I'm convinced that she lived years longer that she would have at home.
We still visited her lots and made her feel loved and my mom got to have her own life too. Don't think that you don't deserve that, too. Treat yourselves as good as you are treating your parents. You deserve to be happy :)
You are so right. But, I think I got some where yesterday. She didn't come home and sulk as usual. She was trying to act normal. I am just going to keep drawing that boundary line.
Told her if she was sarcastic any more with me, she would have to move and our relationship would be over. Also, told her only thing I would be willing to do was get her groceries and meds. I would not take her out every day any more.
She even went as far as to ask me why my husband and I don't take her out on the weekend. I told her thats our time and that will never happen.
What you think?
Love,
Marylynne
Took Mom out to the bread store (discount bread) and to the grocery store. She took the cane today but needs a cart in then parking lot to get to the store. She should behave herself now that she was out.
Husband and I and a few friends are going to a local comedy club Thursday night. I was chosen from a drawing for 6 free tickets, we have to purchase drinks thats where they make their money.
We had frost today, the temps are dropping. Pretty quiet right now hope all is well with my friends,oxoxooxo Judy
I said that is it. I started pounding my steering wheel. I said you can't do this to me any more. I told her that our relationship was over. She dredged up every thing she could and I just came back at her with that she is a better person than me, she is stronger than me, she is all the way around greater than me, but I can't stand her any more.
This is going to be bad, but it is getting easier to say what I have to say. Maybe I'm growing some b__s. Don't like to say that word.
She said she is going to find a house and I can pay her back for the addition. I told her the best debt I will ever get into.
Let you know what happens.
Marylynne