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I have been taking care of my birth father for the last 6 years. I didn't know him well before this. My grandparents raised me. I didn't have children on purpose, because I am an artist & knew I would be too busy & basically selfish to raise a child. I also am an only child. As soon as his wife passed (not my birth mother), he began to call me. Finally, I went to visit him in Las Vegas. He was very addled. I guessed Alzhmeirer's. He had a step-son and nephews who he had taken care of all their life in one way or another. Unfortunately, for me he once told me to "go take care of myself". Well, in any case, when I saw that he was all alone basically and his son was a prescription drug addict and a very bad diabetic, and hated me as soon as I got to Las Vegas, I realized I'd have to help him. Blood I guess. So, I helped him get a bug man (terrible spiders & bugs all over his house). He had 5 loaded guns. And his kitchen was disgusting. He had a little Yorkie that went hungry all the time & a parrot that had grass growing out of the bottom of his cage.

I stayed one year. Then I wanted to return to Nashville. He wanted to go with me. By this time, he had gotten another dog (tiny Chihuahua which just barely lived). I had my own apartment. So I said ok. He had let his Yorkie out & poor dog disappeared. I put signs all over. I got the Parrot checkout & a new cage & food. Off we went from Las Vegas to Nashville tandem 2 cars. 3 cats, 1 dog, 1 parrot & my ex & father. When I got here we got a house & I had no idea what I was in for. I took him to a doctor, many doctors. Bladder cancer, kidney cancer, chronic depression, Alzhmeirer's, and a stroke he never knew about. Well, we did treatments for the cancer & now he takes 2 pills for the Alzhmeirer's,. He takes an antidepressent, but, he used to drink heavily and smoke. I got him on ODoul's and finally off smoking (which I battle). Now he will not even get up unless I take him out for dinner & drinking. He just sleeps. I did take him everywhere with me hoping he would start doing things on his own... but, not going to happen. Just last week, I went out by myself. It was like a breath of fresh air. I was strangling. I had a dinner and a glass of wine & spent the whole day by myself... he has a sitter. I just didn't care anymore because he will not do anything by himself. Yet, he knows when I say we're going to Johnny's (a little pub). He remembers to the next day... yet, he will not do anything at all to feed his dog or help me. I found a good rescue home for the Parrot & all the animals are in good shape. I have a Gallery showing coming up & feel more myself than ever. I had to get the resentment out of his not taking care of me for all my life & then me taking care of him. If he was really disabled... I would feel bad for him... but, he's not... he's just very manipulative. When I went out by myself... and came back... EVERYTHING was fine. Just GO OUT. Thank you for letting me vent.
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I have been taking care of my birth father for the last 6 years. I didn't know him well before this. My grandparents raised me. I didn't have children on purpose, because I am an artist
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i am sick to death of this old hag. i have never said this before, but i am close to suicide. i can take no more. girls, i know you have tried to help me, but, nothing will help. i have to get away from it somehow. love to all, Donna
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Marylynne my mom is 75 and looks 85 she sits and does nothing but likes to tell you how to do them.
Went and got my hair trimmed today I feel much better, taking the witch to her friend's house tonight while I go to a card party. Not going to play cards just visit.
Ladydi we need all the prayers we can get. oxoxooxox Judy
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Good Morning All! When I see what you have posted I just become more grateful for the support I have received from God when dealing with mom. I've secured her a senior apartment 3 blocks from my home and she makes tons of excuses as to why she can't come up from South Jersey. She's living in my shore home, with my brother (God Bless him) and although I have it for sale since the spring, with the economy the way it is, it's still for sale. She has two beautiful great grandchildren who love her dearly, especially the 18 month old who is constantly calling her name. This makes no difference, she still refuses to come up for fear we will abandon her in her apt. Well, my brother and I no longer feel guilty about this, she chooses to stay alone when he comes up north, and we leave her there sometimes for almost a week. The thing is, she feels she would be abandoned in the apartment, yet she is somewhat abandoned when she is alone down south. Wierd isn't it? No car, no visitors, only 4 or 5 winter neighbors on the entire block. If she were to take the apartment (she's being paying rent there since June), I'd sstop to see her every day, my daughter at least 2 or 3 times per week, with the kids and my brother whenever he would be up north. My point being, we are happier eliminating the guilt and she is achieving her worst fear, abandonment! Go figure?

I know I am extremely blessed that she has all her mental and most of her physical capability, except for some pretty bad arthur itis as she calls it. As I had mentioned in my past posting, our relationship is good due to me not taking any of her crap any longer. So, I don't wish her dead, I leave her in God's hands, I'm just not as strong as he is:) My wish for you all today, is the strength to deal with your situations and praying and believing and standing up for yourselves will help you get there. Have a blessed week-end, Ladydi
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People are posting messages on my wall that I appreciate, how do I do the same? Does any one know how to do that?

Marylynne
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Judy,

Oh my god, thats my mom all over. Want's to get money out of everything. I'll give my kids clothes to kids that need them when she grows out of them and my mom says keep them, or sell them. No way.

How old is your mom?

Today, my mom has a list of medical things that need to be done:

She needs to get her cataracts taken out
She wants a steroid epidural shot for her back
She wants to go to the cardiologist to get her stress test
She wants my dad to go to the podiatrist
She wants a colonoscopy

Do these people expect to live forever?

Yesterday I arranged for my dad to get a haircut.
This morning got the alarm people to come to put a button around his neck, now this they have been complaining about forever, he comes and then they say they don't want it.
Today, we went to the bank to take care of annuity transfers and etc.

Everything is for them. I am afraid if she is pain free, she will be more of a pain in my ass. Sorry, if anyone is offended, but I can't stand the thought of her feeling good enough to aggravate me every moment.

Is that mean? I don't care.

Love you girls,
Marylynne
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why doesn't she do things herself if she doesn't think I am going to do them right?
My mom saw an ad in the paper that someone needs a wheelchair at a reasonable price, instead of calling herself she says we just can't give it away, and then starts to accuse me of giving it away. I didn't even call the number or say how much we should ask. But you don't get anything for used stuff and she should know this because we used to sell other peoples stuff at estate sales.
She really started to piss me off, if I waited for her to sell the bed or the wheelchair you know what would freeze over. Just venting girls, I don't feel like I want to do anything now because I won't do it right. I will probably just have to wait until she dies to be able to make my own decisions. Judy
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Ra, you made my day. i have the same problem. if i go anywhere, day or night, i have to sneak out. or say i am doing something i am not, just to get away. I have grown to hate my mother more as time passes. i wish she would just dissappear. I will not leave a note. dont care. it is none of her business where i go, or how long i will be gone. i sometimes want to give her a double dose of sleeping meds so she will stay asleep while i am gone. all of you with this great advice, probably have not had to slip out like i have. luvya all
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Welcome to all the new ladies. Hi guys, been reading postings but nothing to report on my end. Hope everyone has a good day. Love, Maria
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RA, I think the note idea is good and maybe tell her where you are going, you won't be able to answer right away, so you will call her once and never tell a return time home because she will expect you to be home at that time and if you are not she will worry.
We all want to be grown up and not have to answer to our parents, tell them every move we make, we should be able to come and go as we please.
Cleaning my son's room today pretty, quiet right now until the boys come home.
Austin, good for you, it is very upsetting to have to fight and repeat yourself until someone listens. take care Judy
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I think I would leave her a note and the first few times I would only go out for about 20 min. or so and after a while for longer and maybe call her maybe after two or 3 hours-you do need to get away from caregiving at times ask her if she would rather be in a nursing home.
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Dear RA,
Maybe you could call her every so often and reassure her of where you are and that you are OK and will be back at such-and-such a time. She may feel more at ease knowing she's talked to you and you'll be back.
Good luck.
Sha
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DEAR RA DID YOU TRY LEAVING HER A NOTE CAN SHE STILL READ? MAYBE IF YOU JUST WRITE A LITTLE NOTE SAYING SOMETHING LIKE MOM I WENT TO SO AND SO HOUSE ILL BE BACK AT MAYBE GIVE A SPECIFIC TIME OR MAYBE JUST A GENERALL TIME DEPENDING ON IF SHE'LL FREAK OUT IF YOU SAY YOU WILL BE BACK AT 10 AND YOU NOT. OR MAYBE TRY LYING LIKE SHUT YOUR BEDROOM DOOR AND HAVE YOUR SISTER TELL HER YOUR ASLEEP IN YOUR ROOM . NOT SURE WHICH WAY YOU WANT TO GO BUT GOOD LUCK . MIAK
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My mom has memory loss for a few years now. The problem I have is that I can't tell her that I'm going out at night. I have to wait until she is asleep and sneak out of the house or else she is trying to call me all night looking for me. My sister is home and she still is looking for me.
I won't be able to go away for a weekend or a night without this problem. What should I do?

Any suggestions?
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Hi everyone
My husband in the hospital for two days and today he called to say they were planning to kick him out again about the fourth time since his toes -two- were removed in April after talking to the hospitalist and the social worker on the phone and trying to get them to listen to reasoning that having an MRSA infection in all 4 wounds and only getting 3 days of only one IV antibotices was not long enough to kick the infection. Of course they did not listen even though he still has a temp. Then I called medicare and after talking to two people his discharge for tomarrow is now cancelled- you can fight city hall! I am tired of being pushed around.
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Hi girls, welcome Roxanne Pam and Tori. If you are looking to vent, you've come to the right place.
Marylynne, I'm so proud of you! It's high time you put Mom in her place. The more you bend down to her the more she'll abuse you. You have to take away her upper hand and let her know you're just not going to let her push you around anymore. Bravo sweetheart!
Judy, I know your pain with missing your Dad. It's only been 9 days since my Dad passed. I think of him every minute of the day. I know he's safe now but it still hurts.
Cindi, you are so cute....are you on a diet? I must have missed that part. I'm trying to get myself motivated to lose some weight but I just love food so much it's very hard to commit to a program. Hang in there honey, we'll lose together!
Maria, Donna, Austin Miak, hope you are having a good day today.
Love you girls!
Sha
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Judy,

Just a little house cleaning note to tell you that the therapist said I'm a neat freak, because that is the only thing I can control in my life.

Could have been worse, could have been a hoarder.

Love,
marylynne
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Welcome to the new ladies we are all ears to hear about your troubles,no matter how depressing they may be. Went to the post office this morning to mail a package to my niece and nephew in Florida for Halloween. Stopped by the cemetery to see dad, I cried alittle. I miss him alot, and I wonder if the hospital did the right thing by him.
I have a hospital bed that I have to sell now that Dad is not here. There is also a wheel chair, commode, transfer board.
Marylynne like my Aunt says "Your parents need you more then you need them" maybe she needs to hear that.
All my mom has to yell at now is the TV especially with the candidates it fuels her fire.
Cindi did you ever watch the show Clean House look for it the houses are disgusting I could never live that way.
Donna,Sha,Maria, Austin,Roxanne,Tori, Pam,and any others take care and do something for yourself first, me I'm going SHOPPING!!!!!! oxoxoxo Judy
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Hello ladies! My name is Pam and my mother has lived with us for a little over a year. (It sounds like I'm introducing myself at some 12 step program!) It's nice to know that I am not alone!! I feel like I'm reading about myself in some of your posts. My mom has several health problems, but she's also a worry-aholic, so that makes it worse. I have no other parent in the picture, so I guess that's a positive. My father-in-law lived with us for about 10 years, but that was a walk in the park compared to this. He passed away a year and a half ago, and as luck would have it, my mom's health got worse and her house needed lots of repairs that she couldn't afford. My husband suggested she move in with us. (Is that grounds for divorce?).
Anyway, I am glad I found this site. I will be checking back often. It helps my sanity!

ttyl,
Pam
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thanks I guess that my sence of humor is more of a defence because if i wasnt laughing i would certainly be insane. No really i really use humor to get through the tough times, i have been told that im very funny and i should go in to stand-up which to me is even funnyer because im only "4 9" so maybe i should do sit down comedy haha hope every one is having a good day. miak
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Marylynne, looks like you are growing gigantic ba**s! Your mom is gonna think you turned into a royal B**ch...where did her sweet people pleaser take all your crap daughter go? Good for you.

Wondered like Donna what ever happened to Cathy? I wonder if something bad happened to her dad? Wish she would write to let us know.

Judy..wish you could clean my house..sigh. I hate house cleaning...decided I am to do as little as possible today. Down today...lotsa stuff going on and things to worry about. Daughter called last night wanting to change schools etc cause of breakup with bf...have to make an emergency trip up north to give her her car on Sunday. Has been relying on bf to drive her around which was not smart. She is scared to drive.

Even when I try to relax I find things to do..ugh..
Diet class again tonight...mom is making all kinds of delicious smelling foooddddddddd...

Hugs
Cindi Miak you are funny as usual.
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how very uplifting ty for sharing your thoughts and feelings and experience Roxanne...


Cindi
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Hello, everyone :) I just stumbled onto this message board and I'm really moved by all of your struggles and generosity. Luckily, my parents are still young and healthy enough to take care of themselves.

I just want to say that I hope you can find the strength to draw boundaries with your parents and make a good life for yourselves. Sacrificing yourself for unappreciative / abusive parents isn't necessary for you to be a good person.

I grew up in an emotionally abusive household and it really does suck the life out of you. I can't imagine how it would feel to be stuck in that situation and feel obligated to care for that person to the extent that you feel you must sacrifice your life for theirs. My family situation only changed after I demanded to be treated with respect... and I drove home the point by not talking to my parents for over a year. And it really helped! Now I enjoy a great relationship with my parents. And during the break in our relationship, I realized that I felt so good without hearing their criticism and negativity every day and at every turn, that I was willing to sacrifice having a relationship with them if they weren't able or willing to change.

There is nothing wrong with putting your folks in nursing homes, if it's financially feasable for you. It's not cruel, heartless, or uncaring. It's okay to not take on their burdens. And, if they were thinking of you at all, they would insist on going to a home themselves. My mom put my grandma in a nursing home for many of the reasons that you've all been good enough to share... she wouldn't take her meds, she was depressed, she had very complicated medical issues, and she was SO rude and demanding that it was hard to be around her. My grandma's health florished while in the nursing home, her social life and general outlook on life greatly improved, and I'm convinced that she lived years longer that she would have at home.

We still visited her lots and made her feel loved and my mom got to have her own life too. Don't think that you don't deserve that, too. Treat yourselves as good as you are treating your parents. You deserve to be happy :)
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Hi everyone Ladyi-you are right on Cindi- glad your sister is better-you had a lot to do with it as I am sure she realizes-but probably does not say it to you--Mlv-good for sticking up for yourself-none of us deserve to be treated badly,Tori welcome to this great wise, comforting and sad and funny group. It is a great place to vent and to make friends who really understand our lives. My husband was admitted to the hospital-again- yesterday with MRSA infection -the home care agency tried to keep the culture results from me- I wish it were to happen in 2 more weeks-then he coild have gone back to rehab. He has been very hurtful verbably to me again lately onr day he hates me next day he says he loves me-I feel like I am in prison. Sun I went to the library to hide for about 5 hrs. I am so enjoying my freedom and sorry I told him I would go to see him today.
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Judy,

You are so right. But, I think I got some where yesterday. She didn't come home and sulk as usual. She was trying to act normal. I am just going to keep drawing that boundary line.

Told her if she was sarcastic any more with me, she would have to move and our relationship would be over. Also, told her only thing I would be willing to do was get her groceries and meds. I would not take her out every day any more.

She even went as far as to ask me why my husband and I don't take her out on the weekend. I told her thats our time and that will never happen.

What you think?

Love,
Marylynne
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Marylynne, if she wanted the AC there then I would have told her to put it there. You know she can't so the conversation would have ended there. Those units are heavy.
Took Mom out to the bread store (discount bread) and to the grocery store. She took the cane today but needs a cart in then parking lot to get to the store. She should behave herself now that she was out.
Husband and I and a few friends are going to a local comedy club Thursday night. I was chosen from a drawing for 6 free tickets, we have to purchase drinks thats where they make their money.
We had frost today, the temps are dropping. Pretty quiet right now hope all is well with my friends,oxoxooxo Judy
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mlv good job standing up for your self whats the big deal if the ac is in the garage you should have told her to be quite or she would end up in the attic isnt that where most old bats live . maybe its a good thing that your quite my big mouth and smart ass comments get me in to too much trouble. it must be so hard for you do you guys get into it every day? that is not good for your health and your family some times i think the only way they can feel alive is by picking fights . im sorry about you day. is her part of the house totally open to your? you need to stay away from her,before something bad happens like you have a heart attact. or maybe is there anyone who can act as a buffer between you two so you have limited contact. miak
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Had it out with mom today again. She made a smart ass comment about putting my dads window unit air condition in the attic. Its in the garage and safe I said. She said it will rust in the garage. I told her it would be worse in the attic. She said, you just don't want to store any thing in your precious attic.

I said that is it. I started pounding my steering wheel. I said you can't do this to me any more. I told her that our relationship was over. She dredged up every thing she could and I just came back at her with that she is a better person than me, she is stronger than me, she is all the way around greater than me, but I can't stand her any more.

This is going to be bad, but it is getting easier to say what I have to say. Maybe I'm growing some b__s. Don't like to say that word.

She said she is going to find a house and I can pay her back for the addition. I told her the best debt I will ever get into.

Let you know what happens.

Marylynne
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decor can i have a transfusion of some of that cleaning fetish, my mom was very clean crazy cleanin and controlling i had after school clothes and school clothes, the school clothes were hung in the closet i had mon pants and tues pants you get the idea and if you wore thursday pants on friday watch out, one small box of toys that fit under the bed maybe a 2x2 box nothing more every thing was on schedule mon wash tue ironning, you know the june cleaver way well need less to say im still rebeling agianst this so im a bit of a slob, with not a lot of self disapline unless you call not throwing my dad down the stairs self disapline drives my family nuts all my sisters are super eat off the floor clean. my family is not close either and it is also becasue of my dad. true story When my mother was dieing i was at the nursing home with my niece who i had not spoken to in maybe 3-4 years becasue my DAD dold me "they dont like you" your brother is going to try and take your inharitince (spelling) so as were sitting there i said to Sandy Im sorry if i did or said something that made you mad at me she said you didnt grandpa said "you dont like us" what a jerk my other niece said in to my moms ear "its ok grandma we have it all worked out and nobodys mad at anyone" and with that she drew in her last breath and died. just one more reason i cant stand that man. Now mind you my mom was not a good mother she abused me but im not mad at her i forgave her a long time ago if you can even say that i didnt really think about my self that way until this year when we decided to move in with DEAR OL DAD then the shit came flooding back thought i was a good idea to see someone. Im glad you mother went with her sister for a while what a nice break for you. MY 9 year old asked my why i never go away on a vacation my my self . I said ive waited all my life for a family that loved me and now i have 1 why would i ever leave. that would be a terrable time id be so lonely. unless i came to visit you. that would be fun. mia
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