My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
My family is distant because of my parents and I hate that I have no contact with family members on both sides because of them. No one thought of me or my children when they decided not to speak to each other. I will someday tell you my mom's family history.
I have developed a cleaning fetish now that dad is not here. Call me MRS. CLEAN
Thank you for all your kind words and support for my Dad's passing. He was truely a good man and was loved by everyone who knew him. I feel safer knowing he's in heaven looking over me. My mother handled his passing much better than I ever thought she would. She has gone to be with her sister in Florida for a couple of weeks. I'm sure it is good for her to be there, after all, no one is home all day and she would be alone. I feel like she may be a better person now that he's gone. I guess sometimes people mellow out after losing a spouse. We'll see.
I've been reading you postings every day but have not really had time to respond. All I can say is I'm so sorry to hear of all the crap you go through every day. I sometimes feel like I have no business on this forum because I don't have it half as bad as most of you. I wish there was something I could do to make your lives happier. I'm just glad we have this place to go to and say what we feel and not be judged. We are the only ones who know how we feel and no one can take that away and tell us how we should feel or deal with our parents. We just need to vent and sometimes that's enough. God knows what you're going through...let Him be the Judge.
Love you all,
Sha,
BTW, I had a great time in Vegas!
I walked in on my dad twice masturbating. Of course, he couldn't get it to work, if you know what i mean. I instantly told my mom about it, because I can't have my 12 year old walking in on that accidentally.
Her reply was, "does old people not have a right to do anything" and "I'm sure your husband does it".
That was an unnecessary reply. If she doesn't learn to keep her mouth shut, from today on.... I decided she has to go. For my own good and the good of my child.
And Ladydi, your advice is good. I'm just so puppy dog like, that it is hard to take me seriously, even when I am being serious.
Love
Marylynne
So, bearing that in mind...one good thing about having my mom live with us. When we go on vacation, there is always someone there to "watch" the house. My mom is not very healthy, but she still drives and gets around well. I think she should use a cane, but she refuses so I don't bring it up. She doesn't need anyone to come in and care for her and doesn't need round-the-clock care and supervision. She actually could probably still live on her own except financially.
Dang
Had bad eating day. See eating disorder counseler on Friday. Wondering if I will ever get a handle on this disordered eating disease.
Good night and be well
Cindi
Been a long week. More to come. Husband and I got to go see a movie this afternoon..asked mom if it was okay to leave her and dad for a few hours. Mom was quiet today...hmmm. Spoke to a cousin who takes care of her mom too. Her mom is my father's sister who also has alzheimers. Trying to be grateful for being able to take care of parents instead of focusing on the hardships and loss of freedom. You are all doing a great job and your very best for who you are and where you are in your lives..and I want to applaud you all.
Have a good week
Hugs
Cindi
HA!
Marylynne
When we went to the hospital to see him after he passed she told him over and over she loved him. They were married 47years, my Dad told me that he would have left when I was small but I was the cutest thing he had ever seen and he couldn't leave me. She never stopped him from doing what he wanted which was work all the time, and she became the lost soul of the era.
She hasn't been to evil since he passed, but its a shame that she wasted so much time and energy being mean. Judy
I am only strong because of the lessons I've learned and what I've gone through. I believe this site is to make your needs and hurts known. I know I am new here, but I'm not in need of help, only giving help. Ding Dong, my witch is almost gone, only appearing a few times per year....and when she does, bingo, Momma Dee comes out to play. How was your mother going to go with you to drive your friend home? She was only going, if you let her in your car. There had to be a way to sneak away and just leave her there. It takes many weeks of practice before the behavior change works. If you fall for her crap, she will continue to behave like a spoiled child. Giving in to children when they are misbehaving or wrong is the same thing. They become spoiled brats.
I was raised the same way, Italian old school, Catholic upbringing, but I had to break those old habits. I would have left the house and gone to the nail salon or beauty palor myself. Think of the movie "Helen Keller", who was more misbeaved then her? But her teacher gave her tough love and that's what needs to be done. However many times I needed to repeat the lessons to her I had to do it, if not for my own sanity, for the sanity of my children. I'm only sharing my experience to help you all out there, even if it makes a difference for one, I'd like to continue with my words of wisdom, Ladydi p.s. it took years of praying the giving myself up to God, before he stepped in
I want you to know I totally sypmpathaize with your situation and...hadn't mentioned I was in the same situation with the abuse to my dad. Mom had been nasty (at times) for years. He left only one time, after punching a hole in my bedroom door, out of sheer anger and frustration. I'm sure he wished it was her. He went to his brothers and was back after a few hours. I was sooo wishing he would leave her for good. But after a few years, I finally realized he stayed for me and my brother. When she really got bad, he retired early (he also had bleeding ulcers, I'm sure from her behavior) he moved them both to Florida. Even from there she was abusive. I was getting annonymous phone calls to my new business every few hours, for 20-30 min. As soon as I answered they hung up. This disrupted the calls I would be getting from my customers as well as the customers I was working with. After reporting the problem to the phone company, they traced the calls to Florida, to my mom and dad's phone number and asked me if I wanted to prosecute. I called dad and explained what was going on and he gently spoke to mom. Well, all hell broke loose and she called me yelling and screaming because I had threated to prosecute. I tried to explain it was the phone company that wanted to prosecute to no avail. If you could have heard that conversation, no I mean the yelling and screaming match we had that day your ears would have burst. She dredged up all of my past throwing such hurtful daggers that I screamed right back and tried to retaliate. Well, that did no good things only got worse for dad. When dad finally had to be under hospice care many years later, I witnessed more verbal abuse. But the love he had in his eyes for her was too much for me to bare. I realized after all these years, that he never left and did love her for the good side she had. Enough about my situation.
The only thing you might have done wrong...was take her to the beauty parlor. Just think, after a child behaves badly, screams and yells at you or their siblings about something, would you take them to the candy store? If this living together is going to work for you....you need the confrontation, but you must be calm and speak with low tones. Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. You have to turn the tables Marylynne! You would not let your children get away with bad behavior. Remember, it's your home, you make the rules, if she can't follow them, it's a nursing home for her and leave dad with you. Please stick to your guns, turn this around, I wouldn't want to have you taken from your home, nude, in a straight jacket, with your children watching. Believe me, that haunts me to this day....and for what? Someone else trying to control my life! Digest all I've said and begin a new day with God's blessings. Pray before you act! Ladydi
This morning again, she put my dad in the bathroom, for his morning ritual and gives him 1/2 hour. I saw the time she put him in which was 10:30. She was screaming for him to get out at 10:50. When I told her he was only in there 20 min., she said he had been in there since 9:50. I told her she has no sense of time any more, or either her eyes are so bad that she is not seeing the clock correctly. She said I am taking my Dad's side and I just walked out and ignored her. Although she was very mad, she asked me to take her to the beauty parlor, which I did. Later that evening she tried to start the shit all over again. Just did not answer her.
How do I carry on in the same house when she is making me so nervous. She makes my child nervous too. Learning to disengage is very hard. Its not hard to disengage, its just hard to live in the same house with someone mad at you all the time and showing it.
I don't think I can take this much longer. I am standing my ground, but having such a hard time with my nerves being able to take it.
Love to all of you,
Marylynne
In the past when I did respond I was considered disrespectful, I wasn't entitled to my own opinion. We are considered children no matter how old we are and to be seen and not heard. It seems like we have to lose them in order to live and have our own voice.
Cindi, congratulations on your weight loss its a start better than none at all.
To all my friends have a great day oxoxoxox judy
This is my first time sharing on a blog and I must say it is very disheartening to hear all the negative comments. Not that I didn't share all of your thoughts and feelings about my mother, but I try everyday to do something about it. Let me share my story. Mom was always up and down with mood swings, fits and trying to control me, dad and my brother ever since I can remember. As the years went on there were times we were separated by both arguments and distance. I only felt good when she was away. I used to call my dad the sentinal, keeper of the gate, my guardian angel as he would keep the peace and keep her away from me and my brother as much as possiible. Dad had several nervous breakdowns over the years and would only be healed with shock treatments which are the most horrible treatments to watch a parent go through. When dad was sick, mom seemed kinder and much better. When dad got well, the drama began again.
When dad took sick a few years ago and eventually needed hospice, things became better between me and mom. Not perfect mind you, but somewhat better. I was however, getting upset with her picking on my brother, who was at that time the full time care giver. I had it out with her on Thanksgiving day 3 years ago, I finally stood my ground and told her I would not put up with her behavior, it was effecting my health and after she had a hysterical fit, I left the house. I didn't all her for a day, but since the next day was her birthday, I waited until later on at night and called as if nothing happened. This meak woman answered the phone and said oh, I thought it might be you calling, I carried the cell phone around all day so I didn't miss you call. I acted as if nothing happened and a miracle occurred....there were very few fights or arguments after that. Whenever she rears her negative head, I turn and walk away, walk out, leave and say I cannot accept this behavior and let her rant and rave. Believe me it works. You are all dealing with spoiled children, you need to take the reins and act like a parent not a child. Please keep in mind, I prayed to God every day for help and I finally saw the light. There should be NO guilt for all of you that are caregivers! You can only do your best, but don't accept being treated poorly, God doesn't like it! Good luck to all, my prayers are with you, I am blessed with a good relationship now! Ladydi
Hope all of you are well...
Hugs
Cindi
Sha...love to you.
I am so sorry about the passing of your Dad. His spirt is in a gloriess place now. You have very fond memories of him.
Miak, I know about the cold thing my mother is always cold it has alot to do with the blood thinners, we have a two story house and my room is a hot box and hers is freezing, especially at night. Put more blankets on how hard is that.
My husband just got back from a weekend trip to see his Uncle in Ohio, I too miss him when he is gone I have trouble sleeping.
I went and visited my Aunt on Sunday, she is in a rehab facility. She was unable to come to my dad's funeral, naturally she cried when she saw me and apologized, I said there is no need to apologize. She is 90. She has bad legs and blood clots,she didn't look too bad, very rested.
Marylynne, my mom really hasn't been to bad, but things may be brewing. Took her to the grocery store today I do take her out when I feel like it, I have control over that.
Cindi, glad you had a good time.
To everyone else have a good day!!! oxoxoxo Judy
You have such a funny sense of humor, it makes me smile. Parents are always complaining of one thing of another. I think maybe it comes with aging, but hope not in our case.
Hey girls, how are you all doing today? I'm okay. Have to go see a psychologist an hour away. There are fires burning there so hope traffic isn't too bad. Maybe you girls have seen the fires on the news. UCLA is sending me to one of there therapists to discuss ways and things I could do instead of eating. Geez, is there a life without eating?!....just kidding kinda. This lady is going to cost me $120.00 an hour. Told her I could only see her a couple of times, so hoping she can fix me or give me tips by then! We all are having a hard time just getting food on the table for goodness sakes. Who can afford this stuff?! Still working on the food program went to another meeting last night. Lost 11 lbs now. Only 2 more to go before I qualify! A little windy here but sunny autumn day. Hope it cheers me kind of feeling heavy hearted and tired.
Love to you all,
Have a good day
Cindi