My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
hope you have a good time with your husband and son being gone. Enjoy the peace and time with your daughter. Fall is beautiful. Glad you are enjoying it.
Cindi
I am so very sorry that your Father has passed away. My deepest condolences to you and your family. I don't think anything ever really prepares us for the moment our parents actually pass. May God Bless your Father, you and your family and may you find some sense of comfort, strenght and peace at this dark time.
Cindi
He took a turn for the worst on Sunday night into Monday and we were notified early Tuesday Morning that his time was getting near.
Was it expected? And how is your Mom taking it? My thoughts will be with you all day.
Love to you and your family.
Marylynne
Love,
Sha
got back this evening and reading the posts and can see some thing never change! Had a really good visit with my daughter. Sister took care of Mom and Dad Friday/daytime and Monday til I got home at 4:30 pm. My husband took care of them Friday night/Saturday and Sunday. It was really good getting away from here...the routine and my Mother's emotional neediness. Was nice not to have to bathe Dad or think about his meds, meals, etc. My daughter and I needed that time so she could talk to me, and I could enjoy her and see how life up there is for her.
The drive was therapeutic I played some CD's and cried some, sang some. Girls go take a drive it clears your mind. It was nice getting back home. Although no sooner was I home and mom was needy. I am trying to be grateful that my parents are still with us and that I am able to take care of them still. Also, that I have a loving husband and a sister who is healing well...and they are helping me.
I love you girls and thought about all of you on my trip.
Tomorrow, doctor for me, hair salon for mom, and dog to the groomers.
Cindi
My mother would be doing the same exact thing. MONEY, MONEY, MONEY.
She has enough to last her the rest of her and my dad's life and always says she needs it for her old age. What is 81....
I with you girl on why do we figure everything out for them.... I love the door mat thing, maybe you ought to get those printed out and make some money.
I know you are missing your Dad, Hope you are holding up well. What does your Mom say now... Does she piss you off constantly?
Love,
Marylynne
My mom is soon going to start on the money that my dad left and he left me in charge of the trust. She already asked about where the money people gave us at the funeral was. She has plenty and doesn't even need what dad left her. But he wanted to leave her something because he didn't want her to give me problems. See I told you there was more to come.
Marylynne my door mat says " Enter at your own risk" LOL
As usual, you said it girl! I feel exactly like you do. Everyone here is worried about me committing suicide. I feel desperate all the time, but won't do that. But, I have had the same evil thoughts you are having. I will be driving and think, when I drop her off in the front of a store, she passes right in front of my car. MMMM!!!
Austin, I hope you are better also, you are an inspiration to me and all the other door mats on this website.
Love to you girls,
Marylynne
Thank you for your concern, I finally feel better esp. I got caught up on dishes and laundry today and the husband has been staying in bed most of the day his week was so busy with nurse aides and pt from medicare and our private aide so I have a quiet day and may work on my new projet of crocheting baby blankets for a pregancy crisis center that our church has gotten invovled with. I so wish I could say something to you that would help but all I can do is give my friendship and vent to me any time it would be good if older lonely people could get together with you and give you a break take care God loves you and so do I'
Do not worry about me. I love all of you and love your concern for me. I did go to my counselor the same day I had the fight with my mom. He suggested two days of doing absolutely nothing and thats what I did. I told her I would be in bed for a couple of days and not to disturb me. I told her I could no longer handle any conflict or controversy.
My counselor said just what all of you have been saying, just ignore what she says. I did tell the counselor of my self worth, but would never do anything to myself because of my children.
Will write more later. Thank you deeply for all of your concern. I promise I will not do away with myself, will only get more and more help till I can become AUSTIN. hA! hA!
lOVE TO ALL,
mARYLYNNE
Here is the rest of the post: I said all that to tell you this.
Over Labor Day weekend on of my brother-in-laws took me aside and asked if I would be willing to to take Mom and Dad into my home. I told him, "Absolutley not". I then told him some of the nasty tricks my MIL has been up to. I told him when she comes in my house I go out of it. I also had previously offered to quit my job and have the in-laws pay me to be the home helper. It would have been a LOT less than the cost of a home helper. My MIL, whose motto is don't do anything for free, declined the offer.
I found out later that this BIL had asked his wife the same question and she had told him the exact same thing. I went home and told my husband what had happened and he thought that was unfair pressure.
Reading all your posts will help me stay strong. I know that this woman will not change her ways if she becomes a permanent guest in my house.
Thanks for sharing,
Bookdiva
I have been very sick for a week-they the docs know it is an infection the first one insisted it was a uti which I knew it wasn't and put me on the wrong antibotic and even when he knew it wasn't did change and had to go back down three days later and the covering doc put me on one that worked. I also have pink spots all over my legs. My husband is home but the private aid came M-W-F and the medicare aide was due T-T both days the offive called and said they could not send anyone-so I through a fit instead of accepting it and they surprise they FOUND some one-it gets easier all the time to let people know I am not a rug to walk on like I was for 67 years- so all of you guys it was so hard in the beginning to set limits esp with the husband now it feels good, of course he was as helpless as possible and not once asked if he could help-he went out and did yard work in slippers and now one wound is draining on OCT 6 he can go back to the hosp if need be. Cindi I am proud of you sticking to your diet- I would have eaten your mothers soup-you will do well after surg-you are displined.
I am so glad I found this site.
First let me say that my heart grieves for you all, especially Marylynne. You must send your mother packing. She is destroying you. I know it is not easy. My mother is very similar and always has been, but I put my foot down on her demands the first year of our marriage--30 years ago. My mother has treated me with more respect since then, although she continues to be negative.
We moved 2 years ago to be near my husband's parents. My father-in-law (FIL from this point on) has myeomalacia of the spine. My mother-in-law caused his condition to worsen by refusing to let him get decent medical help until it was too late and he is a paraplegic now.
For 2 years she manipulated holidays so that my only son (who lives in the same area) was not with us to celebrate. My son and his new wife recently moved to California so that issue is non-existent until they come back. I had to celebrate my last birthday without m son and his wife. She tells me something and then gives me a few days to tell my husband and then comes down while I am away and tells him something different. She comes into my house when I am away and puts leftovers she doesn't want in my refrigerator. (My husband works from home and can't hear her enter.) She makes spiteful comments when she is alone with me and if you meantion anyone she always tells you the worst thing she can think of about them. She is diabetic and this is used as extra ammuntion to control meals and meal times. She is an absolute fanatic about meal times. I have run myself ragged at holidays cooking and keeping my husband's family. I am talking no sleep to speak of and every inch of floor covered with sleeping bags, suitcases and clothes.
About 6 months ago, after my husband had repeatedly hurt his back lifting his father, I went down to their house and told her, very nicely, that my husband was hurting his back, that Dad would never walk again. (She still claimed he could if he would try. She also refused to have any alterations made in the house). I said that Dad was a paraplegic and that we needed to find some other options. I suggested home helpers. My in-laws are very comfortable finacially, but she is impossibly cheap. I then came home and told my husband what I had said. The in-laws got busy and now there is no more running down 2 times a day to pick him up.
I said all that to tell you this
I have been tracking your posts. I don't want to seem harsh, but you've got to get out, girl! Your very life depends on it. I have heard your cries for help time and time again, and am saddened. You MUST tell you r counselor that you are considering suicide. They can help you. I don't want you to end up like my brother-in-law, who took his own like. I, too, had moments of despair, when I was younger-- actually when I was living with my parents when I was going to college. There were times when I thought about killing myself, or running away to the military-- anything to get away. My point is, NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE until YOU decide to change your life. With the help of your counselor, I believe you can change your life. It's not hopeless. As long as you live and breathe, there IS a way out.
Part of your problem is that you weigh the value of your life in terms of how others see you. You have to learn that you are WORTHY just because YOU are YOU. It has nothing to do with how your parents see you, or how anyone else in this world sees you. Because you are you, you have value. What you also have to realize is that your parents are sick. They are not thinking rationally. This is especially true of your mother. My husband's mother got really controlling like you describe your mother.
I read that old people, when they start to lose control of their lives, both mentally and physically, they try to control others. It's their way of telling themselves "Hey, I'm still in charge." I think that's why our parents, especially our mothers, still treat us like we are kids, even though we're grown up. They have to feel that sense of control, or they don't feel alive.
Still, whatever their reasons, it doesn't make it any better. They're still a pain beyond belief. I'm worried about you. I have see you express suicidal tendencies for several months now. Please, for your sake and your children's sake, come clean with your counselor. I want to see you around tomorrow. And know that someone cares-- not just someone, but everyone on this website. Much luv, Dani~
I believe that some of my mother's issues with my Dad were because of me, he always said good things about me and gave me the credit in front of her, I know she hated that, now that he's not here to do that anymore she doesn't have that much hatred against me. I was also giving him the attention that he needed and she didn't like that either. This is a big change, even though she has other things to complain about the biggest thing was my dad. But soon I am sure she will move something else into his spot and create havoc with that.
Listen to the therapist at least you have started one step in finding out how to handle them.
My son started a new job today at a new Target just around the corner, he is happy to be able to quit the pet store that gave him only one day a week. I hope he likes it there. He also started his college this week, Tuesday's and Thursday's.
Cindi sounds like a nice trip, I plan on going to an outlet mall on Monday to look for winter shoes and pants and maybe do some Christmas shopping.
Thinking of all of you take care oxoxoxo judy
Call your therapist and tell him what happened. He might be able to offer some help over the phone. Or, he may want you to go have a session with him. Sounds like you are at the end of your rope and counseling is helping you see that. As far as disengaging, if you have to physically leave the house or the room every time she tries to engage you. Tell her you don't want to talk about it. As far as ruining your life...maybe you did choose to help out but things have changed and you find that continuing this is bad for your health so there will be some changes...tell her your therapist said to do this..etc..
Good luck, Marylynne I feel for you and can tell you are really going through it.
But, you are making progress keep it up!
Judy, my heart goes out to you. You are feeling the loss of your father, now that everything has slowed down. It is truly something isn't it? Such a loss and void it doesn't seem real. But, it is. Cry it out, talk it out, write it out, whatever you need. Sounds like your sons are doing okay.
I am going up north for a few days. Actually leaving everyone to go. Sister will take care of parents tomorrow...husband on Saturday and Sunday, then Monday sister again. I return Monday night. I have never driven myself there. It is 5 hours away. I want to get away from here for awhile and get into an introspective space also to see daughter before my surgery. She won't be home til after surgery for Thanksgiving. I hope it goes well for me and for those at home.
Have a good weekend and God Bless you all
Cindi
Glad things are starting to calm down. Hope your mom don't give you trouble in the upcoming weeks.
Hi, to the rest of you girls. Cindi, I think the drug they give to speed up the heart, when not on the treadmill is persantine, but could be wrong.
Well, yet another story and another bad day. Mom, I and my 12 year old went to the mall, just to go in one store. When my 12 year old got out of the car, mom made a comment that she looked just like my brother. Well, my 12 year old took offense and said, "what I look like a boy now". Instead of my mom just ignoring the raging hormones, she said "I can't say anything to anybody, without them getting pissed off. I said nothing not to start a fight. When we got in the store, I asked her if she wanted me to correct her for such a stupid thing. She said I could have and that she will be just like the other one. Well that was it. I turned around and walked out of the store, brought her home and told her I was leaving until she found a place to live and to get out.
She said I didn't even do anything. I said you never do anything. She called me every bad daughter under the sun and said that I had a sick mind again. My daughter screamed to her Maw Maw I am sorry, don't be mean to my Mom for something I did. I told her she did nothing. I am not going to train my daughter to shut her mouth around my mom.
I am now afraid to be in my own house for fear that she will come after me. I went to bed this morning and didn't get up all day. She came in several times to start picking again, and I told her to leave me alone. My therpist said to disengage when she starts fighting with me. How do you do that when someone is always coming after you?
I am so sick, I can't take it any more. I told her to get out, lets see what her next move is. She called everyone she knew to try to get sympathy and they all took my part. THen she blames me for them taking my part. I said Mom don't you see, everyone sees it but you. She said she has never ASKED me to do anything for her, I JUST DID IT, SO I RUINED MY LIFE AND I GUESS I DID>
Love,
Marylynne
As for my mom she has been quieter then normal but back to the routine of just sitting there, I am glad I did get the cats though the keep things happy and calmer.
The boys are ok, my oldest handled it that grandpa was not suffering and in a better place and my youngest felt worse when Grandpa was sick in the hospital.
write more later, Judy
good for you! Glad you feel better too. You know yourself best and it's great that you know what helps you and use it...
Just having dinner now and it is almost 9 pm. Went to work out tonight and then to the class they have once a week. It is a good thing. Hanging in there.
Hugs to all of you
Cindi
Always, Maria
How are you doing? Your family..and lastly your mom?
Going to church everyday helped me with the loss of my son. I also sat on a bench at the beach watching and listening to the ocean. These are my places where I get renewed. What have you been doing for you, Judy? To get over the grief of your Papa. How is your mom acting to you and taking the loss of your dad..and your sons how are they doing?
Thinking of you
Cindi
Dani...it takes all kinds. Your sister doesn't want to face the reality nor does she want her life affected by it. Many times the caring of parents somehow falls more upon one child. Sometimes the other siblings will help out but it is not much especially in comparison to what we do. It is what it is. Any help is good help so I take what I can get (like the song says). When they won't help you out at all it burns you up. Even when they do help you it burns me up still sometimes. But, hey I have a choice and can decide I won't take care of parents it I really wanted to do that. I know my Mother thinks my brother is a paragon any thing he helps with is much appreciated while with me I am not as appreciated. Sometimes I point it out nicely. Just to have her see what she is doing. May or may not help but it makes me feel better for speaking my truth.
Donna, your mother is just plain nuts. She also is mean spirited. People who don't have some kind of mental and emotional illness do not act or treat people the way she does. I know this cause of my own family of origins high dysfuction. My mother being the most dysfuctional and then my sister. Your mother is making you nuts, Donna. I hate that. It is not for her to cause you chaos and grief by telling your youngest son what you are doing for the oldest and then tell him he should be upset about it. She stirs the pot. You don't need her meddling and causing this havoc in your home and life. She is lucky you take care of her at all let alone making your house and yourself and your family crazy. Why does she have so much power and control? Take it back from her. Don't let her do that to you. As far as a gift for your birthday. If you don't want one tell her. If you could use money instead (which I am sure you can we all can) ask her for money instead so you can choose your own gift or needs. If she doesn't want to do that then fine...tell her no gift at all will do you well. It's about you...not about her. Thank her kindly, but don't accept one you don't want one..that's it. Tell her you would like to go out with your bf and have a peaceful day where she is good to you...
Marylynne, so glad you are getting some help. Yes, we are part of the problem. Interesting to find that out isn't it? I went through 10 years of counseling cause of my crazy family. I still go sometimes. Lately I am going cause of my life change with upcoming surgery and change from eating. Thank you all of you for your well wishes and praise. It is and will be the hardest thing I have ever done. I have been in a weird place. Tonight is my diet meeting and late workout. Had to get that stress test today. Barely made it! But I did it. The other two times I had to be injected with adenosine (sp?) which makes everything race without walking or running threadmill.
Maria, hope today is better sweetie.
Austen..how are things going for you? Is husband in a home now?
Miak...how are you doing?
Wonder what ever happened to Cathy?
Love to all
Cindi
On the flip side, my only sister skatted out of town at the first sign my parents' health was failing. She left me "holding the bag." I very well know why she left, and that was the reason-- not to have to deal with our parents, or their deteriorating health problems. When my dad, in the early stages of Alzheimer's, broke his hip, my sister refused to come to see him, preferring instead to virtually ignore the problem. "It's probably not all that bad," she said. -- you get the picture.
What really makes me upset is that your siblings turn on you, and get greedy for inheritances, and only support you if there is money involved, and don't give one whit about your trials and tribulations, but are ready to stick their hand out if and when there is money to be passed around. She has my mother so hornswagled that she is a messiah and I am the devil that it makes me want to puke.
Yeah, I know. I'm really jaded. You girls, though, restore my faith in humanity. You are a rare breed of kind people that give me hope. Much luv to all, Dani~