My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
Donna, I know what you mean about a nosey mother mine looks out the windows in the kitchen and lets me know all that is going on outside. When some people across the street had sold their house my mother was there to report and when they had a moving can there same thing. When we are driving any house with a for sale sign she lets me know I DON"T CARE!!! Try having to take her two times a day for 3 weeks to the hospital with the walker. I love it when they ask her if she needs a wheel chair she scowls and says "NO."
I am so thankful for my cousin who has been there to talk to and wants to help me because she knows my mom won't be any help. She has been through this with her Dad and wants me to make funeral arrangements ahead of time before something happens because it will be alot easier for me.
I also want to say that the lord has answered my prayers and my Dad is blessed so thank him for all the good in your life. I pray though that he would fix my mother, apparently there is no miracle for that!
Love to all of you, Judy
Hope you had a better day. It is too bad there are no private homes for seniors. I guess it's either your home, your way or the nursing home for you mom then...or having her get a place of her own..actually..cause you did say nothing is really much wrong with her physically. Oh, yes or senior resident apartment. I think seeking counseling is a great idea.
Went to UCLA with husband for a pre-op class...I left depressed. Was down for pretty much the rest of the day. Did go and see a movie with husband. It was good. "The family that preys together." Decided to have the surgery for sure now esp after seeing the movie. Sister has helped out alot with caring for the parents while I go to my appt and to the movie. Still have caregiver come in once a week if I can...but sister does it alot more for me on weekend etc..it is helping alot. Mother didn't like it that I left her with husband this evening while taking sister out to tea..when I got home she snarled on her way to the bathroom "Where the hell have you been?" Target, I said...then I thought to myself what the hell do you care anyways...
Such is life. Not sure how it will go when I have my surgery...probably hellious here.
Hope you all are okay
Hugs
Cindi
Thank you both for supporting me, but there is no private homes here in louisiana. There use to be some before the storm, but is none in my area now. The only way I could possibly get rid of my mother would be if she got mad enough to want to move away and mad enough never to talk to me again. She knows I am the only one who would ever do anything for her. I feel quite guilty at times for hating her so, but she drove me to this over so many years.
I did take the first step today. I called my insurance company and got the name of several counselors. I would like to go to one without my mother knowing about it, but that will be quite impossible, since she doesn't let me out of her site. I know I sound like a child and not an adult, but that is the hold she has had over me all my life. I don't know how to stand up for myself and need to learn that through counseling.
Will let ya'll know when I get an appointment and how it goes. I know I have said this before, but realize now I am in pretty bad shape.
I really am feeling like its not all my mom, its a bit of my husband and my oldest child too, that makes me feel this way. I know they say only you can make yourself feel a certain way, but I have to say that when you are giving and soft hearted as I am, it is quite easy for people to take advantage of you. I started writing all my thoughts on paper just to get them out of my body.
Love and kisses to all of you in the same position as I. I know, oh to well, the feeling of wanting to blow up and feeling like a bad person. I too, never want to talk to her or be around her for more than 5 minutes. My mom, too, acts very superior to every one else and has no company. Where did we get these mothers from?
marylynne
Put dad in an assisted living, private care home or nursing home. Put Mom in a senior residential apartment or if she cannot afford it then check out private homes and put her in one of those. I hope you have them there. We do. People run these residential private senior homes. It is a regular home with like 3 or 4 bedrooms. They all have their own rooms. There is nursing care there and meals served and it is like a home environment. You really need to do this for yourself. I hope you are going to counseling too. I believe the counselor would tell you to take care of yourself, first parents second. You would still be overseeing their care and taking care of them just not from your home. You probably could handle that.
Thinking of you
Cindi
My husband's mother is doing quite well in the nursing home. She thinks she is in a hospital and doesn't ask questions when visited. Yet another person who is free of problems. I am quite jealous and feel quite guilty about feeling that way.
I pray to the blessed mother every night for an answer to this problem. If I put my dad in a nursing home, my mother will only get worse. She will not commit herself to a home because their is nothing truly wrong with her health wise, except for bad nerves.
I will be stuck with her for the rest of my life unless there is another way out.
Got 3 dr. appts. this week, but I don't do anything remember
Love,
Marylynne
Austin, glad you are getting a few free days from husband. Also glad you have help.
Marylynne, I knew you would know what I am talking about.
Judy, your Mother can't think of anyone outside of herself. She won't get it. She may get it once Father is gone, but who knows. Hope your tests come out okay. Didn't know you had health issues going on too sigh but understandable really. Your poor father going through so much. Lung collapsing etc..kidney stones..geez all too much.
Maria, sounds like you have a good support system. Friends you can kick it around with...feelings etc. I also have friends and they do sympathize, but they can't empathize with me cause they can't possibly know unless they have been here done that. But, it definitely helps to know they are in my corner. Like I said last night I thought to myself how lucky they are they have noone to take care of but themselves. It is quite a responsibility. My one gf said she would not build an addition to have her in-laws move in with them. She has gone done there for a week a few times to take care of them so the burden is easier. She said if she was going to get an addition it would be to make her kitchen bigger. I said well while you are at it you could push out the whole wall and add a room...her response no way.
Donna, doesn't it hurt when you try your damnest to do right by them, doing over yourself, being so responsible and dutiful, diligent etc...and they talk bad about you anyways? As soon as you turn your back. They talk to the nearest person. Really hurts doesn't it? They just can't help themselves. My mother does this to me too. I have questioned her about it in a subtle way before. Makes you wonder why you even take care of them at all. Like what kind of fool are you anyways? Are we angels? Or, gluttons for punishment and abuse? Interesting. I like to think we are angels though. Turning our other cheek no matter how difficult it gets or how ugly they get cause WE know. We know what their life would be like if not for us. Despite the awfulnest they can dish out we still stand by them...that is love. But there is a fine line between love and hate...we must be sure not to get so resentful...
Love to you all...
Cindi
Feel the exact same way. Amen
I have been reading your postings. I wrote a long letter earlier but lost it. Thinking of all of you. Thinking of me too. How did it get to be like this? Got out for 10 hours with husband. Went to a baseball game with husband and 9 friends. Rare very rare. Had a good time and felt free. It was a good liberating feeling but then coming home I realized that all my friends had noone to take care of only I did. I felt bad for myself and thought to myself that they could not understand my plight. When will I be free? Will it really matter, or make a difference?
Will I just take on someone else to take care of?
NIght and hugs
Cindi
My prayers are with you for your ultrasound and mitra valve. Your mother sounds like a very selfish women- she is only thinking of herself- it is sad. Our son and his son visited with me and my husband at the hospital tonight-our son's ex is going to take him -our grandson -to a special school states away he is only 12 and is austisic- but he seems allright with it and gave us both hugs -which he does not like to do he is such a nice little boy- we don't see him much anyway and he will be home for the holidays and maybe my life will be calmer-hello- so he can spend time with us. The aide we had hired 3 times a week is waiting to come back to work for us when the husband is discharged from the hospital -probably Mon or Tue.
Told mother to stop picking on him about how he looks, he's all purple on his arms from all the IV's that they have done and drawing blood. She told me she was talking to herself and he couldn't hear, I said, no he has heard you many times.NAG NAG NAG
You know this is the time to have decent conversations with him because if he passes then we can't talk to him anymore DOES SHE NOT REALIZE THIS. Thats why I am getting so pissed off at her.
Went and had my ultrasound done today for my left side pain. Also checked my mitra valve.
Thinking of all of you oxoxoxoxo Judy
Miak, I love that movie, "Thelma and Louise". It would be kind of fun to have an adventure like that but not the ending.
Shady, I understand your anger, you deserve to have fun and a life outside of your mom. My mom doesn't get upset when I leave but she gets nervous, thinking that something bad happened if I take too long. I don't let her get to me when I get home because I deserve a break. I don't feel guilty either. Don't let her get to you. I know, I know. Easier said than done. But you are only hurting yourself with your anger. I wish all of us could get rid of it and just let everything fly by us. I am trying my darnest to do it anyway. I don't want to end up in the hospital because of somebody else.
Marylynne, maybe all of us should go see a counselor or something. We all need it for one thing or another. Like I said before, thank God for my friends. I can cry on their shoulders when I need to. And they cry on mine too. I guess that is why we are so close because we understand each other. Everyone have a good day today. Remember somewhere down the day to stop and smell the roses.
Love, Ply
My mom wants to go get a shot in her back Monday to help out with the pain. It is a shame that I don't want her to feel good because she aggravates me when she feels well.
Is it terrible for me to feel that way. Totally understand wanting them to sleep night and day. Would make me feel better. I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER.
I am saying novenas to the blessed mother for a change of heart in either her or me.
Love,
Marylynne
Thorazine maybe. Is there anything i could give her that would make her sleep day and night? that would be a blessing. I am going to set up an appt with the doc to have a talk with him about what to do with her. i can not take it much longer. and if i put her in a nursing home i think the guilty feeling would last ummmmmm maybe 10 minutes or less. NOT. i am very upset, dont know why she talks smack about me when i am not here to defend myself and acts so hurt when i confront her with her shenanigans. it is not fair. no one should have to live their life to please someone else. hope yall s day was better, but, with marylynne, mia, lascorpia, i think it is about the same crap as ever. more put downs, more hurt feelings more hate. glad yall are here. love, donna
My Mother is on an anti psychotic and 3 anti depressants and sedatives and you would think that would be proof that she is not competent, but I am not sure what is the best way to proceed.
I was sick last weekend for about 3 days and all three days, she aggravated the crap out of me about doing this and that trying to force me to get up, mostly because she did not like the inconvenience of not having me at her beck and call. She did however have 5 other adults in the house able to take care of any true needs and a healthcare worker who comes to the house daily.
As soon as I got up, she started aggravating me to get her puppy a vet appointment and take it to it. She thinks that the dog has lice, which is an hallucination. The dog does not even have fleas. I told her that I was not going anywhere and that I didn't appreciate her behaving as if her dog problem was more important than my health and that if I were going to continue to take care of her, she was going to have to stop trying to manipulate and control me, because that was what she had been doing trying to manufacture emergency reasons for me to get up.
She told me that she was not going to listen to me and I told her that it was my house and that I would say whatever I felt necessary, so she pretended to go to sleep.
A few hours later, I went out to eat with my husband to get a break from her, because she still kept trying to find stupid things for me to do, to prove that she didn't have to listen to me and to force me to do whatever she wanted done.
While I was gone, she had a discussion with my daughter in which she told her that it was me who had mental problems and that I needed a break from her and they were going to get me to go on a vacation so that she could leave and move in with my daughter.
My daughter is just manipulative enough to let her think she was going along with it and then try to appear innocent to us when she repeated the plan to us. Of course, my husband and I already knew something was up when she made the big swing from being mad at me to offering to pay for us to go on a vacation as well as making it a point to tell her healthcare worker that she and my daughter had decided that my husband and I were depressed.
It didn't exactly work, her healthcare worker told her that if she were us and had a whole house full of adults that wouldn't clean up after themselves, she would be depressed too!!! But the point is Mom is trying to set the stage to prove there is something wrong with me and not her. People who are psychotic, are often paranoid and devious.
I wonder if I set the wheels in motion to have her declared incompetent, if it could backfire on me if she makes unfounded claims against me. She threatens to say that I abuse her as a way to try and manipulate me, which only results in making me angry.
I'm considering biding my time and having her evaluated by doctors in order to make sure there is adequate documentation, before I make any moves, but since she has been violent and is now resorting to scheming, I wonder if I have that option. I have had several EMT's and the hospital social workers and an ER doctor tell me that I should just put her in a home, so I am thinking that I need to start making them document their opinions.
Any input?
Austin, sorry your husband hurt himself again. Don't you wish the nursing home thing would come sooner than later. Know it will be hard to lose your savings. My mom has the same problem, thats why she won't put dad in one.
Miak, hang in there. Understand about the thing with the good husband. Everyone always said what a great husband I had for putting up with me and all my antics with my parents. Well, he wasn't doing any thing except putting up with it. He didn't help me with hospital visits, as a matter of fact, he never ever visited my dad when he was in the hospital for months. All he ever did was put up with me, so hard!! If you ask me He got the better end of the stick.
Judy, hope your dad is doing better, I know how much you love him.
Well, I had another fight with mom today. Its getting worse and worse. Night before she asked me to kiss her goodnight. I usually do, but with all the hurtful things she says, can't bring myself to do it. Well, next morning, which was today, she said "we really are not the same as we used to be". I said yes mom, I do not feel the same about you when you are always saying hurtful things to me. And, I said, don't tell me you are not saying hurtful things and that I am making them up, because I am not. And, I do not have a sick mind.... She said do you want us to leave. I said you may have to, but don't think when you go, I am going to run every time you need something and I am not going to sleep by your house if you are sick, those days are over.
I somehow think she got it, I might be wrong. I told her I loved her and my father and I would always get their groceries and medicine, but somehow don't think they will ever leave. She is not strong enough, mind wise, to make that decision. I am hoping God will take this decision out of my hands. Do you think that is too much to ask?
I am so miserable that I do not want to wake up any more. We were shopping today with my daughter after school. My daughter demanded my attention for something, and my mom said "isn't it nice to shop when she isn't with us, she doesn't give us a minute together". I told my mom I am with her all day and my daughter isn't. I told her she hurt my daughter's feelings. I just wish she would get it or a ligtning bolt would hit her and make her nice.
Love,
Marylynne
Just got back from hospital -read the riot act to the husband--he has been veggieian in bed since admission- I told him he has to get up and out of bed-if he wants to come back home-I will not have him on bedrest- he can not go back to N.H. for another 6 wks for rehab. The docs don't talk to me since they spend a whole 4 min of their time talking with him and can't get it that he is bi-polar-why is he taking all those pills; and this is the place I gave blood,sweat and tears to for over 25 yrs. It does feel good to be strong-this is still new to me to be this way.
Hope you are having a good day. I have this website that I would like to pass on to all of you. There may be something in there that could help you if even only a little. Every little bit helps.
Hope it helps you.
Love,
Sha
Dad seems to be getting better we will find out Thursday when they see if they can laser the stones that are in the ureter tube. His BP is low but he is laying down and not moving except to sit in a chair, his appetite is improving so I may have him home sometime soon if things keep on this path.
Marylynne I'm sorry to hear how vicious your mom has been toward you, mine just keeps nagging my dad even in the hospital,today my dad rolled his eyes and said why don't you shut up but she didn't hear because her mouth was running. Sometimes I pray that something will happen to shut her mouth permanently. Getting angry is what she wants remember that.
Marylynne, Cindi, Donna, Maria, Sha,and Austin hang in there remember you are the best of the best. oxoxoxoxo Judy
God bless you both-admitted the husband to hospital today with probably another infection- he went into our walk in tab without socks and got three more wounds and opened up the area that the two toes were taken off and this morning when the home care nurse came his leg and foot were beet red and the other leg also reddened so another trip to the er and admission once again- I sure hope I don't have to take him for 6 weeks of IV's again. We had just hired a great aide from an agency 3 days a week for 5 hrs- he will probably be in a nursing home soon anyway so might as well spend some of our savings befor they take it all- anyway the aide will probably get another job and we will lose him. I am disheartened but am ashemed of myself you all have it harder than me-enough of my piety party- Mia all church people are not good people-if thet were they would not have judged you by what your Dad said they would have opened there arms up and their hearts -in our church there is so much love and caring I have cried so many times and had others hug me and offer help-that is what good church people do-I am glad you gave it to them verbably. I know fibro is not easy I have it and RA and polymialgia but there are worse things physical pain is one thing what you are going through is pain and you keep giving and giving- I wish I lived near you all I would find the time to help. Take care all caregivers.
You both said the right things to Desertdaughter. Donna, you and I, cindi and sha, must be sisters under the skin.
The thing I love about you Donna is that you tell it like it is. You are not afraid to say the things you feel. I guess it makes me feel normal in some way to know others feel and wish ill will on their parent who is making their lives miserable.
I don't know what I would do without you girls. You keep me afloat.
Love,
Marylynne
Desert Daughter, welcome. I am sorry about your brother. I have to agree with Donna. DO NOT LET THIS WOMAN MOVE IN WITH YOU!!!! You will be miserable for the rest of her life or yours, which ever one goes first. All of us here agree our miserable mothers will out live us, right girls? You still have control at this point, don't lose it. You only live 2 miles away. You can be there in a few minutes if she needs you. Maybe you can put her in an adult day care or senior center to help with filling her time. Once she moves in you will be her slave. Don't do it! I wish I had not done it but I had a weak moment, my Dad was falling a lot and I was backed into a corner. How could I say no when she asked, "can I live with you?" But I curse the day I said yes. I've been bitter about it for the last 3 years. I'm never happy anymore and it's because that old bitch lives in my house. I have no privacy. She knows every move I make like I was a teenager again. I can't stand it!
Think this through long and hard before you make any commitment. Good luck honey.
Marylynne, I wish I had the right answer for you. That woman is making you a basket case. She is ruining your life. It's so easy to say but you need her out of your house for your own sanity. She needs to be in housing for seniors and your Dad needs to be in a home. Maybe it's time you had him evaluated by the state and they will determine that he needs 24 hour care. That happened with my Dad. He was scheduled to be evaluated for adult care and when they found out he had been falling they suggested he go to the hospital to be examined and from there he went to a home. So sad, but he absolutley could not be cared for at home anymore. With him out of the house at least I didn't have to listen to my mother bitching at him all the time. Now she just bitches in general.
Judy, so sorry about your Dad. How is he today? My Dad has MRSA....AGAIN!
Cindi, sweetie, so sorry about all the crap you've been through. You always give such good advice. You are right about the counceling. I need to learn how not to hate her. Maybe my life would be happier.
Donna, I symapthize with you. My mother has to bitch about what everybody else does too. Just mind your own damn business old lady.
Miak, I feel awful about the terrible arguement you had. No one has the right to say such unkind things to you. Try not to let it get to you because you are NOT all those things. You are a good person.
Austin, thanks for your advice. How are things with husband?
Mimi, how you holding up honey?
Maria, how are you today sweetie?
As for me, things are quiet. I'm hoping to talk mom into going to FL to visit her sister. I sure could use a little time to myself. However, my BF (Paul) and I are leaving for Vegas on Oct. 5. It will be so good to get away for a while.
Love you all, hope you are having a good day.
Sha
As for my mean hateful mother. last night she came and told me that my son and my boyfriend were arguing and i said they were not. she said yes, i heard them. i said you imagine things. then she blew up and said someday you will find out that you dont know everything. I said well, that hasnt happened to you sure hope it does soon.
Day before, she spent the entire day tattling to me about my sons company. I said, it is none of your business. she said, you need to get rid of them, they are drinking beer. I said, it is none of my business either and it doesnt hurt a thing for them to drink beer. she went on and on til i was ready to wring her mean old neck. i can not think of a time when she is not on my ass for something or the other. yes most often i hate her very very much. wish i had have had the good sense to never have moved in with her. now i pay for it daily. If you want this kind of life desertdaughter, just move the old witch in and see how it plays out.
Donna