My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
Donna only cut your hair if you want to.
Austin, proud of you standing up for you and setting boundaries. I wouldn't wear the ring if I didn't want to. Like Marylynne said it is a symbol of independence. Tell husband that you will no longer live a lie, things are not good and you aren't gonna act like they are. If he doesn't like it then he needs to act right. Good for you that you are getting help with husband. You aren't well yourself and need all the help you can get. Marylynne, many of the home agencies don't have those finger pricking machines for coumadin level. Hopefully they will get one. Keep on trying to get all the help you can...it is frustrating they have no clue.
Hubby out of town tonight. Fell asleep on sofa while watching movie with sister. She finally left..gonna try sleep tonight.
Hugs to all of you...Sha and Maria you two are quiet..hope you are well..
Night
Cindi
Another bad day.
Austin, know what you mean about the appts. and wheelchair. Today the nurse came to take my dads coumadin blood levels and could not get blood out of his arm. Told her what about the meter that takes it from the finger. She said she did not have one. Welllllllll this is the whole reason I got her to come in the first place. To save me a trip the the coumadin clinic twice a month. Getting him in and out of the car is a huge task for me and the wheelchair is heavy. If I get the van to take him, I still have to meet the van at the dr's. office and wheel him in and out. This is not saving me anything. So I got snippy with the nurse and told her if she couldn't get the meter, I didn't need her at all. She gave me all this crap about how she was going to rally in my corner to keep my dad on home health so it would save me some trouble. Bull Shit.
Mom goes to neurologist Thursday for her shaking arm and hand and jaw. I don't think its Parkinsons, I just think she is NUTS.
Austin, don't put that wedding band back on, not having it on is a new symbol of your independence. I want a symbol of my independence, ITS GOING TO BE CALLED RUNNING AWAY.
Mom told me this morning that she couldn't take care of my Dad anymore that he is driving her nuts. What is driving her nuts is that he is in the same house as her now, and not in my garage and her being in her room waaaayyyy across the house. Kinda of enjoying her being aggravated with him instead of me. Told her that if I had my life to live over again, would never take care of any body again. I think she got the drift.
Cindi, glad Mom had a good birthday and you had a good day too. It is so nice to hear when someone has a good day. Will let ya'll know when I have one. Have so much resentment don't think I could.
Sha, where are you? and Maria keep sending your funny e-mails. Donna, Love you as always and don't cut your hair. Going to get my first dye job Saturday.
I think I want to be a red head. I love Lucy.
Love,
Marylynne
I have been keeping up with your post MLV -hope this latest storm in not heading your way. I am manageing ok with him home- I guess my blowup the day he came home about his complaints about grass clippings on the walk gave him something to ponder. The nurse from medicare opened up our case and we will get an aide for 1 and 1/2 hrs. twice a week but our assigned nurse is a witch we have had her b efore. We are hiring an aide 3 times a week for 5 hrs, and plan to have him help take the husband to doc visits with will be a blessing for me because the new med. for my latest health problem has not kicked in yet and lifting his w/c in and out of the car is impossible for me. Taking him for appointments has been the hardest for me for a long time and we are not able to use paratranist because we live 1 and 1/2 miles from a bus line but that would only be curb to curb and would still have to get him and w/c in and out of car. He is not going to a special meeting at church because I said I would not sit with him and he does not want others to think we have problems-hello- When I had xrays last week I strugglrd to get off the wedding ring and finally was able but could not get it back on later-I didn't want to wear it anyway. I like my new life of being stronger and not being his slave.
Nvr first thing that comes to mind is telling her how you feel and if she wants to continue living with you tell her what needs to happen/change. Otherwise she can go live on her own or somewhere else but not with you. She is making you sick and you can't be that way and take care of her too. If things don't get better have her leave now before she gets too much more impaired. She'll be alright and if not it is her own fault. Because you seem sweet and she is purposely being mean to you. Don't take it...I hope you don't. But in either case we are here for you and eachother.
Judy, how is Papa? Your mother...I know you have little respect for her. She doesn't help at all..neither does mine. Hang in there Judy.
Marylynne, are things back to normal at home (haha whatever normal is)? Things okay?
Sha...guess ultrasound and everything is okay and status quo at home?
Mia, sorry to hear about your crappy home life literally. Hope the plumber doesn't charge your dad extra and fixes things quick. Miserable no kitchen for 5 days and expensive too. It's the people with money who are the cheapest usually, Mia.
Austin, how are you handling your husband being back at home? Sounds like you are doing your duty but standing your ground. Also feels like husband will need to be taken care of elsewhere soon.
Donna, your mom is like mine she just wants something to say. Its your money and you can spend it as you like. My Mother and I got into a huge fight the other night about money as I mentioned. She has been better to me lately. Today was her 83rd birthday. I think I made her happy. She said thank you. But in the past when you do alot for her a few days later she craps on you. Soooooooo. Took her to the gardening center, to lunch, bought her a card, balloon, roses, a few beauty items, some costume jewelry and out to dinner in Santa Monica...window seat by the beach...Gladstones...expensive. She ate well thank god. She only likes Asian food..but she will also eat seafood. Nice carrot cake from her favorite bakery. It was a good day. Tomorrow she goes to opthalmologist and dentist..new one. Dad has podiatrist appt. Sister has been helping out esp since she spends almost all her time with us. It has been helpful though. She will take dad to his appt. Went out this SAturday to gfs wedding it was a good night.
DAy by day girls
Love
Marylynne, i wrote a long letter last night, but i dont know where it went. just poofed and didnt show up on here. anyway, i just wanted to say to nvr, that no matter what we say, we are not monsters, and tho we say we hate our moms with a passion, there must be some reason we stay around and take their abusive and caustic language. I will say it over and over, I hate her hate her hate her, but it doesnt change the situation at all. she is just a mean person. Yesterday she hurt my feelings several times. Once she told the home health nurse that she had one granddaughter. I said no, you have 6 grandsons no granddaughters. You have 4 great granddaughters. She said, well, i only have one granddaughter. two of the girls were born into this family, one was adopted, and the other adopted me, and she is as precious to me as the others. anyway, mom said well, rae, the adopted one, is a troublemaker, and i have never liked her from the start. the other, that adopted me, is no kin to me at all. i have no use for her. taylor is the only granddaughter i have. I said what about lyn? she was born into this family, she is your natural great granddaughter. she said well that is your kid, not mine. (i raised her for a few years, while her mom got her life back on track, admittedly, i spoiled her rotten, but didnt change bloodlines) I was so angry at her for putting down my adopted granddaughter, who i love with all my heart, as much as i do the others, and for not claiming the one who really is her blood. what a bitch. then she started on me about my hair. she said old women my age do not wear long hair.or if they do, they put it up in a bun. well, my hair has been long the most of my adult life, i know how to fix it, and it is easier for me. then started on the fact that i have too many clothes that i waste my money on clothes. (i havent bought anything new this year, except for two t shirts that were on sale at wal mart for one dollar each) no didnt need them, wanted them.
my aunt and uncle, (her brother) came by this am and my aunt was telling how another elderly aunt mistreats her daughter and doesnt treat her very nice, and my mother was appalled. haha, doesnt even recognize that she is the same way.
as cindi says, ddss. loveyou all Donna
I feel for you honey. I too, have a mother who is jealous of everything I get or do. I moved my mother and father in after Hurricane Katrina, but have been helping take care of them for 20 years. The difference is tremendous when they live with you. I even took it a step further adding an addition to my home that they paid for and the separation doesn't even help. She calls me all day long for help and then I am the first to get stepped on for any little thing that doesn't go her way.
I actually hate her. My dad was a very sweet person, but now with his strokes his attitude has changed, but still would trade him for her any day.
I, too, cry myself to sleep every night and say novenas for god to end the pain I am in. I want a life of my own, without my parents and without having to do for them. One of my children is 21 and the other is 12 and I have lost so much time because of my dad's illness and my mothers inability to cope with his illness.
I feel the same way and at the end of the day she is still my mother, but what do I owe her any more or do I at all.
I hope you find comfort here. If I wouldn't have found this website several months ago, I would have already been committed to a psyc. ward.
Marylynne
I invited my mother to live with me a year ago because she's diabetic, on a fixed income, aging and needed financial relief. Not to mention, her eyesite is bad, so I have to drive her everywhere anyway. She initially told me she would only stay with me for 4 months, to give her enough time to save money. I never pushed the issue because I knew during her time here, my husband and I would get her to eating right and being more active. We also have three boys so they too would keep her busy. Well needless to say, my history with her is not the greatest. Everything good that ever happened to me she downplayed it to take away my excitement. Following engagement, I showed her the ring and she basically said, " oh what's that, oh okay." and turned back around to finish cleaning. I sat there and cried right in front of my then fiance (now husband). Another example is when we bought our first house, she had no interest in coming to see it. Shortly after moving her in, I graduated from college. She made a hair appointment that same day, asked me to take her to it at the last minute (while I was in the mist of getting myself, husband and kids ready for my big night). She later declined to attend the graduation. At that point I truly felt like she either hated me, likes to just use me or is jealous of my life goals. I constantly feel like crap because I can't share any of exciting news with her for fear she'll respond negatively and steal my joy. But yet and still, I have to be the one consistently at her beck and call or else I'll be pointed out as the evil one, even though I have siblings that don't do 1/4 of what I do for her. I remember growing up, as soon as I turned 18, she put me up to obtaining credit for her in my name. Bills she never paid off, the same bills I had to break my back to pay in order the purchase the house my family lives and have since brought her in. I practice in my mind over and over again how to have this conversation with her, but it almost seems pointless. My sister says she'll never take her in because she believes, she tends to exaggerate her illness just to get attention. My mom has so many health issues from high blood pressure to congestive heart failure which she choses to ignore. She eats pork on a daily basis and thinks that I'm being self righteous when I tell her she needs to stop, especially when she sees me buying turkey bacon for my family. She refuses to go anywhere with us, unless of course she needs something. She communicates anything she wants me to know through my oldest son, who is only 12. Prior to our falling out over not attending my graduation, she would always play me and my siblings against each other by talking about us behind our back. She even twisted my words one time to my sister and had her call and cuss me out. Yet and still I was the one always bailing her out and giving her a helping held when she needed it. I tell my husband all the time that I feel like she uses me. I go to bed crying all the time because I feel trapped. I pray all the time. Myself,husband and the kids recently went on a trip and I brought her back a church suit I purchased, just trying to soften the situation. Do you know she told me it was a little to short for her style? That crushed me. My confirmation of her dislike for me came when my husband preached his first sermon. She attended and told him she wouldn't have missed it for the world? Those words crushed me as well. What about my graduation? I can go on and on and on, but at the end of the day she's still my mother, what can I do.
hun hang in there sorry you had such a heartbreaking day the other day..hope today was better.
Hugs
Cindi
sorry about your dad....glad he slept well at least. My mother never was nice so no change there for me.
Take care
Cindi
Dad was the same today he just said he didn't feel good couldn't pin point exactly what he felt. He slept real good last night he said. They were going to do a central line but went in and something changed their minds. Its just one day at a time right now.
Ply, I believe we all want the mom's back that we grew up with, I know I do, but sadly she is far from that. love all of you, Judy
Very, Very depressed tonite. Had another big blow out with mom today, won't even say what it was about, because everything she fights about is stupid.
Earlier this morning she loss the feeling in one of her legs. I took care of her and my dad all morning and what do I get for it. Her picking a fight with me over nothing. I am starting to feel like I don't want to try to get along with her any more. If I could only separate myself all together from them both, maybe then I would be happy or at least content.
I am so very sad tonite. I can't get one step ahead.
Judy, I am praying for your Dad.
Love,
Marylynne
marylynne he is 95.
Don't know if this would help, but just bought my dad a bed cane. It is not a complete bed rail but a cane to hold on to to get up at night. It fits under the mattress and velcros to the the bed frame. It is great. Got it at Walmart.com, it was $65.
Love,
marylynne
the latest here is not good. My mom fell out of the bed last night and hurt herself. she is bruised all over from the tip of her toes to her head. her right arm is especially bruised, but she refused to go to ER or doc. I called home health and they came and said nothing but bruises. no breaks, which is a blessing. OK. I have decided to put the rails up on the bed to keep her from falling out, but, that leads to another problem. When she has to go to bathroom, she has to call me to come after her. Therefore, i will become tireder than ever. Just a few minutes ago, she called for me and i went immediately, but she had already messed her pants, and when i got her up she peed all over the carpet. I then discovered that she had not put on a depends. had only panties on, so, therefore the bed, the egg crate, her sleeping clothes, everything had to be changed, put in washer. then had to clean her up, and empty bedside commode, and put her back to bed/ and i put a regular diaper on her and put a pad under her.(she objected, but i object to working day and night also) My youngest son here for the weekend, having a fit because he says i am working myself to death and get nothing out of it. I guess, i want to be this way, or else i would have already put her in a home when she was so hateful. Now when she is hurt, she is as sweet as can be, but soon as she is feeling better, she will be back to putting me down and griping all the time. Judy, hope your dad gets better. know you must be very busy....Maria i enjoy your emails, keep them coming. i will send you the ones i think will make you laugh. Sha, good to see you are doing pretty well. love to all of u, Donna
Love to you and hope you can handle whatever comes your way. Update us daily, makes me feel better to hear someone else bitching.
Love,
Marylynne
Brought the husband home today- had onky planned to go it to do paperwork due to soo much pain and being up last night a lot =but did get a dx yesterday Polymylgia to go along with R.A. and fibro and started on meds this evening. We are expectinf hanna tonight and all day tomarrow and did not want to pay $315.00 if I could not get to the nursing home it is near the Husdon and gets bab storms. No it was not the necular plant exploding today it was me, He was out of the car 2 min and starting bitching- this time it was grass clippings on the walk- well have you ever seem an German/ Irish old women get mad the things that came out of my mouth are unprintable. Then later I told him it is too f------ bad things will not get done as quickly as it did in the nursing home and not to get his bloomers in a bunch.
Cindi, I cried inside when I read what you wrote. You are so eloquently spoken and have said everything I would want to say about my Mom. I think our lives are very very similar. I too pulled my mom from a bad depression and if I put her out, she will sink into same. It is a no win situation and I feel like I have no more control.
I wonder how god will answer my prayers, because I do believe he answers them in different ways. Every time I say I can't handle any more, I get something else come down the line. I really feel like a bad luck human being.
I am glad you celebrated your son's life. It seemed like a very nice thing to do.
Judy, worried about your dad. How old is he again? Wouldn't it be horrible to be left with just our Mom's. I hate to say it, but I would rather it the other way.
God forgive me.
Love,
Marylynne
Last night we had a family meeting with brother, sister, mom and me. It was a bad night. My mother and I had harsh words. Much of what I think and feel I told her last night. I also cried and lost my temper which is very fiery when I am very mad. It had to do with money she gives me but it went on from there. Also, the bad treatment she gave my sister yesterday in the car on our way down to visit our priest friend Father Joseph. She told my sister she is worth nothing and that her smile is ugly and she smiles for no reason and it is stupid. After the fight my mother told me she was sorry and to not pay attention to what she says to me. She hugged me. More of the same abusive pattern I guess. I went out to eat with my sister...(late at night) and drove around talking til I was too tired to go on. Spoke to sister and my husband. I am really beaten down. The depth of her emotional problems and the way she unleashes her negativity, complaints, criticism and mean spiritedness is making it hard for me to love her and continue with her. Like Marylynne I see no out. At this point despite her meaness etc. I know how she would suffer, be depressed and finally lapse into illness etc if she goes into a senior home. If she chooses it I will let her go. But I don't want to make her go at this point. I am getting indifferent and numb and something shifted in me last night. I don't know how to go on....don't really want to face her this morning but I must soon cause she has a dr's appt in Santa Barbara 45 minutes or so away with a new neurologist. Sister is coming over and taking care of dad. I'm feelling lost and heartbroken. This mother does not appreciate what I do, is not grateful, I feel like a fool trying to be a better and loving person. She doesn't deserve it. But she is my mother and without me she will go headlong into her depressive negative abyss which is where I pulled her out of originally to bring her here. Wherever she goes she brings her toxic black cloud and I am trying to be there without drowning in it. She pushes me and siblings away with the way she acts at times and yet at the same time with the other hand she reaches out and grasps us saying please don't leave me...I know I act bad but don't pay attention to it..please love me and don't leave me. No wonder there is so much dysfunction in this family. It stems from her. She doesn't know how to love and she is a deep empty negative void nothing is enough.
Marylynne glad you are home. Sorry for your hellious ordeal esp with your mother.../father.
Take care girls
Im not good right now.
Cindi
Someone needs to speak up about your mother. It's obvious she is a threat to your dad. He shouldn't have to live in fear. He doesn't deserve to be treated so mean. Maybe a councilor could come in and explain to her that this behavior is unacceptable and if it continues one of them will be taken away and put in a protected environment. I'm sure she won't like that and it may scare her into being less mean. There is no need for that. You should ask her what happened in her life to make her so miserable. My heart breaks for you honey. It can't be easy on you coping with this day in and day out. You're in my prayers.
Judy, Cindi, Donna, Maria, Austin, Mimi, Jen, How are you all? I think of you always and hope you are having a better day than the one before. God Bless you all.
Love,
Sha
It was an awful experience. Was in a roach motel for several days with no electricity. Mom and dad made me sleep in their room because they may fall in the dark. Had to sleep on two chairs and get up with my dad every time he had to urinate. Of course, could have been in a better place if Mom could have taken a longer ride. She pisses me off.
Hi to all the new girls and welcome.
I got stuck in an elevator by myself in the motel when the lights went out. I panicked. Got out by sheer luck that the lights went back on for 2 seconds.
We got back home and everything was fine but had no electricity or phone, etc. Today my mom did the ultimate in evil. Her and my dad was fighting this morning over the bathroom. My dad beat her in there before she could get in. My dad was bathing in the sink and she was so hateful that she made him drain his water, put on his dirty clothes that he took off and hid his razor so he couldn't use it. She hit him. I didn't see it, but she did. I told her that if he tells his nurse or physical therapist, she will go to jail. She even threatened to cut his throat.
She says things out of hatefulness that she doesn't mean, but he takes it literally and he is scared. He cried this morning. I went and hugged him and told him to tell the nurse or therapist. If they put her away, I will take care of him alone. I'm sure he won't tell, because he loves her so. What is there to love? I hate her. I really mean I hate her.
My precious little dog got bit by a brown recluse spider and had to be hospitalized today. I believe she got bit in the roach motel. I am so very upset, I don't think I can handle this any more. My aunt told me to get rid of my Mom. I am so confused and don't kow what to do. I need to seek help from a social worker.
Will get back with you girls soon. Glad Sha and Austin that your biopsies were fine. Say so prayers for me for strength to handle this situation.
Love,
Marylynne