My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
But, she alredy started in on me this morning. We may have to evacuate for the next Hurricane coming our way and she does not want to take the long ride to evacuate.
I told her to stay here and drown.
Harsh, I know, but she is making me sick.
Love,
marylynne
I am so sory for the day from hell you had and dear lady hope today is better.
Congratulations on that new baby girl. Happy for you.
Love,
marylynne
Had a very bad day again today. My mom said she was missing some of her new towels. I showed her that she had all the towels that she bought, but she did not believe me. She thinks I am taking them. I told her she washes her own clothes in her own washer and dryer and so do I, so there would be no reason for me to have her towels. She said she recalled buying pink towels. It was me who bought pink towels for my kids room. I did like sha said and just said do you really want to argue over this, you are making me sick.
Later in the day, I sat on her bed to put together her pills and she told me to get off of her new bedspread. I wasn't even sitting on it. I walked away mad and she followed me and tried to hug me. I told her not to hug me that she was counterfeit. Thats what my dad calls her.
She pouted the rest of the night. I told her this is why old people end up alone. I think she knows what i meant.
Austin, I, too, am just like you was raised to keep the peace. I don't want to wait until my life is almost over before I demand respect from these people. I demand respect now. I truly hate them and dream of the life I could have had with my husband and children if I would not have taken on this problem 21 years ago. I did this to myself and take full responsibility for my actions.
I just want to fix this, I am tired of the answer "there is no answer".
Going to bed with an aching heart. Wish I just wouldn't wake up to face another day with these people. My friends say I wouldn't be happy without them either. Its a lose, lose situation.
Love to all and have a good night,
Marylynne
Congradulations for your granddaughter I am very happy for you, do they live near you-I hope so.
Thank you for your kind words-my husband was allways difficult-we have been married 46 yrs. and the first 6 months were great then it was downhill. Most of it was my fault-I learned to keep the peace at all cost while growing up and carried it over and when married and took a lot of abuse and thought that was what I deserved-had no self worth and just tried to keep the peace. It was a long process for me to become my own person and get stronger and as usually happens when I got stronger he resisted like mad and things would get worse and I always backed down and became a steford wife once more. It was only the last few months when everyone included in his care at the other nursing home started dumping on me even one who had been like a son to us and I had made afgans and a baby blanket for him and his wife that I got mad and was not going to take it any more and started doing things my way for once and got a backbone and decided I was going to do things the way they made sense to me. Now when he wants to drive a car which is not safe instead of arguing with him to try to make him understand when he brings it up again I will tell him if he tries to get behind the wheel I will call the police and tell them it is not safe for him to drive- he can't even get in a car by himself. H e now know I will do as I say-befor I was not strong enought to carry out what I would say. Yesterday I was outside when a man came along who is running for office I told him something has ti be done for the caregivers in our county and told him about my experiences with the health dept, home care and being reported to APS and their visit- now he is going to report that witch who put the fear of God into me a few weeks ago- he was a CSEA Pres. so has some connections-some times there is justice and any one comming by running for office is going to hear the problems us care givers have to deal with and the ones who don't come by in person will get emails from me- this old lady is speaking up-now that I am getting my husband in line-world here I come. Bless all you unsung heros. I also wish Dr. PHIL or Ophra would take on our cause but we will have to get on our soapbox whenever and wherever we can.If you have an office of the ageing in your locality call them if you have time lots of drops of rain make a stream.
Judy, I feel for you sounds like dad is getting weaker and starting to decline. Always scary and kind of helpless feeling. Rest assured that you are doing your best for him. Good that his pacemaker dr says he is good that way. Sounds like the urology office is getting tired and not sure what to do to help dad and you. They should call you that gets frustrating. Good that your mom does help you a wee bit. My mom doesn't really help at all with dad. In fact she agitates him if around him. Yes, I had a good time with the grandkids. Pooped all day yesterday!
Helping your father up is a worry. Him falling is a real concern and you hurting yourself is too. I hope your day is smoother, today.
Donna, you are right my mother can be very mean. She thinks nothing of it. She says she just speaks the truth. Or, that she just can't stand my sister and the way she acts now. In truth, I think she is embarassed and disappointed that her golden girl is in this state now. But actually, she set her up to be this way by coddling and overprotecting and controlling and criticizing her all her life. Sister made the choices so she is responsible too. But, when all you know is unhealthy emotional crap your choices will not be good ones. My fear, is that mother is gonna make sister feel even worse. I have to protect sister from her too and teach her how to protect herself. Which even I have problems with. Will have go do our best. Told sister these are her issues coming out on you and try not to take it personally. I told sister she coddled you too much and now you are afraid to take care of yourself, but you must. My mother is so emotionally screwed up and doesn't even know it. She thinks it is everyone else and not her. But, nonetheless she is our mother and despite it all we still love her...go figure? I feel for her and her crazy dilemma and that is why I took her in. Just like you all...
As far as my grandkids I am trying to be closer to them. They are so active especially the oldest that it does take its toll on me. Fortunately, my sister was here and being younger she can help out that way and it makes her happy.
Austin, I feel for you. Throw away those darn half broken glasses. Geez. Sounds like you overdid it with the preparation for your husband's homecoming. Try to take care of yourself now. The pain must be terrible. Glad you are going to a Rheumatologist and getting some help. Husband sounds like an ogre. Very hard on you. Bet it was nice having him gone. Was he always his bad?
Hope you use this time to recuperate and build yourself up before he comes home.
Marylynne, I am very happy you love your new house. We all could use some bit of happiness. All the things you said about your parents I feel the same. All those things you said. I second that emotion. Only caregivers can know and understand. My mother is nosey too and I have to raise my voice cause now she is hard of hearing a bit. My feelings are mixed. We want to take care of our parents but it is a big sacrifice. The worse thing is that they are ungrateful and unappreciative. It is such a huge undertaking already but with them being ungrateful and acting awful it really makes one question ourselves. I guess we know that if we didn't care for them nobody would and they would be sh*t out of luck and probably treated badly. Marylynne, you look at her differently now because you are resentful. Yet, you hang in there with all your might. Thank goodness we have eachother here.
It's only Tuesday and it feels like Friday to me. Today, I go with sister to the opthalmologist. She also has a hair appt. Told her I won't go to hair appt cause she should be fine. Been going with her too all appts. We went to apply for SSI yesterday but think we will have to close the case for now.
Working on setting up some time away. Haven't had that for awhile by myself. No money for one...gonna have to use my own funds this time.
Take care girls and I love you like sisters
Cindi
Cindi
yes, I've heard that before and have even quoted it. Yet, sometimes I wonder. Like Mother Teresa said: "I sure wish God didn't have so much faith in me."
Also heard that there is a special place for people like us in heaven. I say is there any guarantee? And, that I am not doing this to have a special place in heaven even that wouldn't seem enough.
Hope you all are well...was finally able to send above mail. I have problems with this submitting sometimes so I copy and paste letter on microsoft word til I can send it.
Night and sweet dreams
Cindi
Good Morning Everyone:
Sha, I didn't know your father was still alive. Does he live with you too or in a nursing home? Hard on him to have his foley changed every month that area is sensitive. Sometimes, I wonder it is worth living longer when the quality of life is low. Sorry, your Mother is feeling down. I think it would be great to have her spirits lifted by visiting a friend. I know that I have to consider taking mom out or dropping her off for entertainment at her old senior residence so she can visit, brings little cakes over and watches the entertainment. They get bored sitting in their rooms etc. Can't blame them. As far as the knee replacement. How old is your Mother again? Is she pretty coherent and physically strong besides knees? I myself, have had two knee replacements and they were the hardest things I have ever personally gone through...(meaning me myself for myself). I had bone to bone in both knees starting at age 35 and then finally had them replaced at age 46. I suffered greatly and went downhill slowly. Before the surgery I was shopping by electric wheelchair and I walked with a cane short distances. The surgery gave me a new life cause I could walk pain free again. If not for the surgery I could not do what I do now. They did the right knee in 2005 and the left knee 9 months later in 2006. The surgery afterwards is very painful. The rehab is grueling and painful. I believe the shorter you are the harder the rehab. My father had the surgery and did not have a good result because unbeknowst to us he had altzheimers and couldn't follow through with the instructions and rehab well. He was 81. But luckily he had it though cause he uses it to walk...the other knee (Left one) also needed to be replaced but decided not to. Good luck to mother you will need to decide whether the recovery is worth the surgery. It is one of the most painful surgeries to overcome.
Donna, I am sorry about your car being broken and the finances. We have our own finacial problems too. I know how difficult it is and can be. Everything happening all at once and how are you suppose to pay, survive, cope. I'm glad you have your boyfriend to talk and maybe help in some way. It is overwhelming for you right now I can imagine.
Marylynne, I didn't know you can't take meds because of fast heartbeat. Geez, what CAN they do for you hun? Cause you need something. Must be something you can take along with talk therapy with a counselor.
Cathy, how are you doing? Son and husband and your Father? Is Dad getting stronger? Are you guys coping alright?
Austin you sound so nice welcome to our group and thank you for your imput and kindness. Sister does appreciate it thank goodness not like my mother. Sister will not be able to repay. She is in a bad situation, now Austin. I will probably always have to watch over her now, just hope she can get to her most highest functioning that she can.
Ply/Maria you have been quiet how are things, sweetie? Mom? Daughter?
Mia, Susan how are you all doing?
Have to take mom, sister dad and bird to the bird specialist today. Woke Dad up early and he is having breakfast now. We have to leave in like 20 minutes to CAlabasas which is 45 minutes away. Mom's bird is sick been plucking it's tail feathers. Then out to look for a sofa from Salvation army or something like that for sister. Tomorrow she goes to her first out patient pyschiatrist appt. I will go with her. Mom told me she would move out and let my sister move in...I said no. That was yesterday. There is no f'king way...(pardon my french...laughing...didn't really say it but thought it)...sister asked me if she could live with me and I said no..I would take care of her from afar...but she must get better. Told her if she moves in I will die. "Do you want me to die?" I asked her. Of course she said no. Then I said well I will if you do...cause I am starting to worry about me too. I might have told you guys this yesterday...laughing I can't remember...do you all think forgetfulness is contagious from your parents?
Remember to do at least one thing that makes you happy, and feel good. Love you all
Hugs
Cindi
I wish Oprah or Dr. Phil would read our chats and would take our problems on. We all need help. I feel like I could commit suicide. How do you go from loving someone, my Mom, so much and wanting to be with them to hating them and can't stand looking at them.
The other girls know I never curse the F word. But I sure am constantly saying it in my head. I want to get up and not have to check on them. I don't want to have to make my Dad's lunch and shower him. I don't want to take them to the Drs. or the pharmacy. I don't want my mother to come with me any more to shop or anything. I want to be able to go off with my husband or kids and not have to repeat what I was saying, because my Mom is so nozey that she has to know what we are talking about. I don't want to have to cook dinner every night because two people are depending on me. I don't want to feed them on the weekend when I am going out to eat with my husband. I can don't want forever.
I won't even remember them fondly if they die, but I don't have to worry about that, I will go first and don't care. Anything to get me out of this hell hole.
On an up note. I love my new house and it is so much closer to civilization than the house we moved into after Katrina. I was living on a wildlife sanctuary. You have to understand, where I was from was a small community, but everything at your fingertips and everyone knew everyone. I could be happy here if I didn't have the old people.
Love
marylynne
I'm down tonight-I worked so hard getting the house ready for the husband comming home next week with my R.A. fibro killing me. He is such a pak rat I can't believe the things he saves like eyeglasses half broken. He called and I said I offered a neighbor a used workout bench that takes up so much room and I don't want to have to move it into our new shed and he had a hissyfit he wants to use the stepper on it- in his dreams- he has not used it in 15 years -he has trouble standing up from his whchair for peets sake- our son laughted when I told him Dad is going to use the steper. I was going to go see him in the N.H. on Thur after being yelled at on the phone-lets take all of your Moms and my husband to WASHINGTON and let our lawmakers deal with them all for a week or two--we would get some caregiver support real quick. I finally made an appointment for myself with a rhumatoligst for next week. You all take care-bless you all. J.A.
Judy, Marylynne, i joined the bedside commode brigade a few years ago, and i do empty it and wash it out. doesnt really bother me.
And cindi, doesnt it hurt when your mom says the granddaughter is going to be fat, like it is a dreaded disease? My mom is tiny, never weighed more than 110 in her life. I was always larger than her, always a plump kid. I heard her more than once talking about me being just like my dads family, fat and big. all of her sisters kids were small like her, and i heard her telling my aunt that she only wished that i was small like my cousins. come to find out, i am really not large at all, just bigger than she is, bigger bones, but not too fat. but i grew up thinking i was way overweight. And just the other day, she said since you have your man here, you cook all the time and eat all the time too, and you are putting on too much weight. makes me so mad. another reason i hate her. Your mother is a witch just like mine cindi. you just have more patience than i. and as far as mimicing your sis, that is just plain mean. How does she expect the girl to feel? how horrid for leslie. And i am not sure that you wouldnt be better off with sis there than with mom there.
like cindi, i find myself rambling on with my thoughts, but must go, love you all, donna
I did call the urology office back since I never heard anything back on Friday, I spoke to the nurse and told her he is getting weaker she said it shouldn't be because of the stent. She was going to call me back and never did.
Cindi glad you had time to spend with the grandkids, old people don't had patience period.
Marylynne, yes my mom or I empty the commode every time he goes and I even scrub it when needed.
Hopefully better days tomorrow love you girls, Judy
Marylynne, it was a good day despite myself...laughing. Wasn't feeling so good to have grandchildren earlier but day got better. Mom complained that the kids are wild. I told her they aren't wild mom they are just having fun. She criticized the older one to me saying she is gonna be fat. Also said she acts like her mother (which is not a compliment). Mother also dug into sister alot criticizing her. My mother is resentful and embarassed by my sister. Sister herself said that mother seems repulsed by her. I didn't say anything back. But, fact is mother is kind of repulsed. It is her issue but I try to protect my sister from it. I asked mom yesterday or was it today...why do you criticize Leslie so much Mom? You don't criticize Gabriel or me as much. She said you guys don't act like her. I feel sad for my sister. She is always on her. She was imitating the way my sister spoke yesterday. Saying my sister mumbles. I said Mom, stop doing that stop criticizing her how is she to get better if you mimic her and cut her down? I said this in front of my sister. Mom got mad at me and said she is going to move out and let leslie move in..I said, no Leslie is not moving in..but you can do what you want. I am worried about the interaction between sister and mother. Especially since sister spends so much time here. I told Mother...you should just be glad she is alive we almost lost her. She just shrugs her shoulders. So narcissitic always thinking of herself,her feelings, her embarassment, her disappointment and then taking it out on sister. This is how my sister got bad in the first place.
Well enough sorry to ramble and vent so much...
Good night and hope we all have a good week.
Night..
Cindi
Been through those kind of nights before. Hope he didn't break any thing. He must be a tough old bird, like my dad. Do you have to empty the commode when he goes. I put a trash bag in my Dad's commode, so I don't have to empty it. Have a queezy stomach, so I tie up the trash bag and throw it away. Sure the trash men love it on trash days.
Cindi, Good going with the grandchildren and sister. Hope you had a wonderful day.
Donna, Hope you are o.k. Our mothers are going to kill us.
How did everybody's ultrasound go. Let us know.
love,
Marylynne
By the way not a peep out of my mother the whole time she didn't even hear him holler. How convenient, I'm kinda glad because she would have just yelled at him anyways.
I have to take him to the pacemaker doctor tomorrow at 9:45 am. So I am going to finish with him early tonight so I can catch up on the sleep I lost.
Yesterday i took my mom's deposit to the bank and she made a mistake so I called home and told her, she actually apologized to me when I got home, I didn't expect it at all. I hope eveyone's day was exceptional!!! oxoxox Judy
Sha I want to wish you a Happy Belated Birthday. I hope you had a good birthday despite the bad news. Like Marylynne said I hope it is a cyst and that it is benign. I have a gf that had two lumpectomies and chemo and radiation twice. She had a gene study done and found out she carries the gene for breast cancer. Both her mother and grandmother died of breast cancer. She has three daughters. The oldest is 27 and going to have the blood test done to see if she has the genes too. You mentioned last year, did you have breast cancer last year? It takes a special kind of courage and attitude to go through all that. I will remember you in my prayers, Sha.
Marylynne, I hope you are feeling better. It breaks my heart when you are down on yourself about how you hate yourself. Sweetie, you are doing the best with what you know and what you can do at this time. I'm pretty sure with a good counselor you can re-nurture yourself and learn how to take better care of youself (something we all struggle with). It helped me. I still have problems of course but I can take much better care of myself. I urge you to seek counseling, Marylynne.
Austin, try not to worry about your ultrasound. I'm thinking positive thoughts and will pray for you also. How long has your husband been gone from home? I hope you do okay when he returns...I hope he does okay too.
Judy, poor dad complaining of pain and you doing all you can. Hate it when the office doesn't return your call especially over the weekend. Hope dad and you are doing okay.
Donna, how are things going with car? And, controlling mother who tells you and bf what to do. These mothers wanting to have things the way they like it and if not trying to change things to their liking.
Cathy, where are you..how are you? Is dad adjusting to rehab? Are you and son adjusting?
Miak, I think you are so funny! Thanks for lightening things up with your suggestions etc.
Ply, how you doing hun?
Yesterday was husband's birthday. Left parents and sister at my home. Husband and I went out to get a pool for the girls, then saw " House Bunny" something like that...bought pizza for lunch and Korean kalbi rib dinner for parents and sister. Dropped off the food and heard a mouthful from mom. Took off to another movie, "Ironman" for hubby of course..it was fairly good. Then out to dinner with friends. A new Sushi place...we all enjoyed it. To Carrows for dessert...Friends treated hubby to peach cobbler a la mode. Then out to a hotel/bar for music entertainment. We didn't stay long we were pooped. Getting old yanno. We made a day of it and it was nice. Caregiver took over for sister at 7:30 last night. Mom didn't have too many mean things to say to me. I was feeling bummed this am cause I didn't want to do my life here. Sometimes when I go away with husband it is actually harder for me cause I don't want to come back to my life. But, I chose it right? I continue to choose it. It's just real hard because of the mother that I have. My friend Kathy said to me last night...Seems like all your problems in your family are due to your Mother...and I said yes, this is true.
The only one who doesn't know the truth and can't hear the truty is my mother.
Love to all of you...
Cindi
Doing a bit better right now. Have both granddaughters over. Ages 5 and 6 3/4. Their names are Hawaiian the oldest is Kalea the yougest is Ani. They start school next Wednesday so decided to have an end of the summer soiree for them Rented a princess jolly jump and hubby inflated a new pool for them. We made our own homemade pizza and they get to take the leftovers of their pizza home with them. My sister is over and playing with them too. She really enjoys them. I am trying to be more involved in their lives slowly. My mother asked me "Since when do you have your grandchildren every week?" I said I didn't have them last week. Also, I want to be more involved with them. The only thing I fear is that if something happens to their other grandmother who is basically taking care of them..that she would expect me to step in and I don't want to do that. So, I pray she can continue taking care of them and their mother. Their mother is still not doing all that well...suggested strongly that she sees a counselor along with medication. I guess she is having some serious female problems right now. Her mother is taking care of her though, probably a good break for them too.
The little loves the pizza she made..they are very cute. I do enjoy them when I have them.
Taking a break from them now..they are in their inflatable pools..got to love the lazy dazy days of summer.
Hugs
Cindi
Boy, do I know that feeling. Everytime I walk out the door my mother wants to be up my ass. Last week my boyfriend and I went to Foxwoods and she was like, "Oh if I wasn't going to see Papa today, I'd go with you." And I'm thinking to myself, "Who's asking you to come?" So now you know what that means, the next time I go, I just won't tell her. I remember when I was a kid, she was constantly shooing me away...."go play, go outside, Mommy is busy, go play with your toys." Now it's like she wants me to be her best friend. Thank God today she's going to my brother's house to help him stuff peppers and she's also going to see my Dad. But wouldn't you know I'll probably be gone all day too. My boyfriend and I are thinking about going to Boston for the day. It seems I can never have my house to myself for a few hours. I'm crossing my fingers that she makes plans to go see my aunt in Florida for a couple of weeks, probably in October.
Donna, that was a great answer Don gave your Mother. She should get the message.
Marylynne, would it help if you brought your mother and your aunt and just drop them off and come back? You can always say you have errands to run. Do like I do, make stuff up. Everyone deserves a break.
Hope you all have a good Sunday.
Love you,
Sha
Feel the same way you do this weekend. Mom wanted to invite my aunt to come shopping with us. Shopping, consists of a 10-15 minute walk thru any store before she gets too tired she needs to go home. So I told her maybe that wouldn't be a good idea. She said, "so i'm no allowed to have company in my home" I said yeah, why don't you going shopping with Aunt Ruth and I'll stay home or do something else. Well we don't want to go without you.
Same control situation. The old bitch thinks I want to be with her all the time, and i'm to nice to tell her otherwise. I hate myself.
Love,
Marylynne
I have a very short fuse.
Cindi, maybe they can help you with your mom somehow, I like the idea of them taking your mom out to dinner and you go to dinner with your family.Later, Judy
Amen, sister, you just described my mother to a tee. You think they were separated at birth. Don't take their shit throw a fit and don't go out with brother. Take husband and go out by yourselves. Feed dad and take a break.
Took mom three days in a row to shop at this store she likes about 1/2 hour away. Then she complains that she can't ride in the car too long. Well, I'm taking her for her, not me. AAHHHH!!!!! I am completely and mentally drained.
love,
marylynne
Love,
marylynne