My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
Hugs
Cindi
Thank you very much. Take good care too.
Cindi
Maria
I know I haven't been here for awhile. Looks like I'm not the only one...ha ha. Just wanted you all to know that I go in for surgery on February 10th. I am anxious yet hopeful. Hiring a caregiver to stay with dad and mom for the two days they expect me to be at the hospital. The hospital is almost 2 hours away from my home. Once I return home I am not to lift etc so we have hired caregiver for 5 hours a day so she can do for my father. Don't know how dinner is going to go. Probably sometimes my mom will cook. I won't ask her to though cause she would have tizzy fit if she felt I was depending on her. It's okay if she offers and wants to. So, I guess hubby will bring in dinner on the weekdays and cook on the weekends. He only knows a few dishes..and a few my dad doesn't like so this should be interesting. I will have to recover at least 3 weeks. Wish me luck...I'm going to need it. Oh, also mom fainted on Super Bowl Sunday. I thought she died. I think I am still traumatized. Husband called 911. We went to the er. All tests were negative. Verdict..probably vasovagal syncope. Which means from now on I am terrified when she has a poop. She suffers from constipation because she is on 2 pain pills a day for her back pain management. I started giving her metamucil 2 times a day and so far so good. Heard she strained a bit earlier this evening and I almost has a Sh*t! I said MOM don't strain..for goodness sakes!
Take care, be well, take the joys when and where you can sneak em in...try and turn it around and somehow find some comfort in knowing that you are doing your parent/parents a big thing..You have a loving giving heart.
God Bless you all
Cindi
I remember when my mom and dad were first moved into assisted living, and mom came straight from her second hospital run into a new environment. I know things were a change for her, and I knew how difficult it would be but she wanted assisted living. Thing is for her lifetime she could never face her choices.
She was laying on the couch one day with her drama and she started making digs about how I still needed to quit my job (for what purpose now I'd never know) but it had to be for her. She was getting nasty.... I leaned over the couch and all I remember is that I had my hands out ready to strangle her, and I ended up shaking my finger at her and told her flat out, "I think I've proven to you that I will not give up my life for your games. Deal with it and grow up already." and I stormed out of their apartment.
Even bathing was an issue of control for her. The assisted living kept calling me and I just said I don't know what to tell you. If I wanted to care for her like this, she'd be at home and I'd save some money. I told them, eventually she'll get tired of stinking (because she's a perfectionist), and she'll bathe. I said if they had to they could use the Health Department as an excuse if necessary.
All I know is I thank God every day for being adopted and not being from this same bloodline between my mother and father. Sounds crazy and down-right disrespectful, but so true.
Perhaps we need to just learn where our boundary is. Where can we let things lie as a result of them not doing. Consequences can be harsh, fatal (if they choose not to eat), and flat out annoying, but in the end.... do we really want the statistics of the caregiver to be true in our lives?
Even my mom's nails (she refused any manicure anything) and they were NASTY.... I haven't seen her in a month. I sent a person to go to their apartment and offer manicure to my mother, she kept refusing. I didn't come. I heard through a family member that mom finally had a manicure... WOW! Let her stew in her own juices. Maybe its time to consider assisted living if a parent is getting that out of hand? Just a thought and I know not always a reality.
nothing changes, other than me. i have felt so bad since the first of december, that i rarely even talk to mom. i wish i could get away, i think depression is my main problem, but, i have not got the luxury of being able to leave. havent left her over night since last february i sympathize with all of u. luvya,Donna
I take care of the house, do her laundry, cook all the meals, change her bed and oxygen hoses, feed her dog and let him out, drop her off and pick her up if necessary on one of her rare social outings, take care of the giant yard that she kept buying plants for and then telling my husband to please dig up more lawn so they could be planted (the yard is now so involved it takes me hours every week to maintain, because she planted stuff that needs lots of care but can't even water the plants on the porch anymore).
She is a complete slob, eating on her bed and the couch all the time, leaving lots of cracker crumbs, bits of chocolate from her candy bars, her room is a disaster but I refuse to straighten it up unless she leaves, because she is impossible to work with (she once had a screaming hissy fit because I put a couple of year-old bill receipts in the shredder without consulting her, and she got really pissy the last time I did a thorough straightening of her room because i threw away some little torn, dirty piece of paper on the floor that was apparently something she wanted). She won't take a bath, often going weeks without one (we just restarted homecare aid to get her bathed after I threw up my hands and walked out of the room when the visiting nurse asked me how the baths were going. Mom had to admit to her that she hadn't had a bath in three weeks). Her idea of washing her hands is to rub her fingers together under the faucet and then dab them on a towel. Everything she touches is dirty (toothpaste lid, dog food container, toothbrush, comb, etc) from her dirty hands. At least she's down to only sneaking about 1 cigarette a day because she's had two COPD flare-ups this winter. The last one we thought was walking pneumonia but it turned out to be her disease progressing. She has constant problems with constipation due to no exercise and eating crackers and candy bars all day. I BRING her all of her meals (to her bedroom or the couch) because she can't be bothered to eat when we eat unless I put it into her hands. She's losing weight again due to the conflict between eating and breathing (she weighs 86 pounds). The nurse wants her checked for anemia to see if that is contributing to her lack of energy.
I actually left town for a month (december) because I was on the verge of a breakdown, leaving my poor husband to do all the stuff I usually do. The break helped a lot, but all the frustration is building up again just weeks after I got back, especially as I see her disease advancing more rapidly.
My husband finally convinced her that it would be to everybody's benefit if she spent a couple of months at my sister's home in Alaska (where my mother was born). When we first moved her in with us she informed me that she was not going up there anymore because it was too much work to make the trip. In the same breath she invited herself AGAIN on my husband and my delayed honeymoon in Mexico that will happen in a couple of years, even having the audacity to try to make us change the time of year we were going because of her preferences. I told her in no uncertain terms that she was NOT EVER going to go on our honeymoon with us so get over it. She insisted that the only time she would bother to travel again was to Mexico. Sooo....refused to spend time in Alaska with her two other daughters and her last two surviving sisters because it was too much hassle, but all aboard for Mexico!! (shopping and margaritas)
She has ruined Christmas for me, which I used to love, because she wants me to create HER scripted xmas, which involves me doing all the work of decorating, baking cookies, packing and mailing all her packages, running her around for shopping, cooking xmas dinner, etc. I completely missed xmas this year during my trip to get away from her, because when I told her I was not going to make xmas cookies this year she got all pissed off (last year she bugged me to save her some of the special cookies I make my older sister most years as her only gift, only to let them sit and go stale, which really made my husband mad). She has a thing about wasting food by waiting until it is really really old. Then she yells at me when I throw it away because it is stale or not safe to eat. She had serious problems two years ago before we moved her in because she was eating spoiled food all the time. Got down to 79 pounds and ended up in the hospital twice. We moved her in to make sure she eats safe food all of the time off of clean dishes (I had to wash every dish in her house multiple times to get them clean again because she washes dishes the way she washes her hands. ). She had gotten so lazy back then that if friends came by the first thing she would ask was, "would you mind taking my dog out to pee?" All she did was sit in her dark apartment, writing her novel and chain smoking, drinking margaritas and eating spoiled food. It almost killed her. I tried for a while, before we moved away for 2 years, to take care of her in her own place, but when I would go over to give her food she would yell at me for throwing away spoiled food in the fridge and then she would light up a cigarette when I was there, knowing that I cannot STAND being around cigarette smoke (I am the only member of my family that never smoked. Both parents dying of COPD, older sister will be next. Little sister quit).
As you can see, I am frustrated and angry most of the time. Been working on relaxation, letting things go, etc.
glad your daughter's surgery went well.
TC
Cindi
needed to vent so thought I would come here besides journaling about it. Mother just irritated the hell out of me. I bought her gambling crap like I do EVERY single day. Well, I got holy hell when I gave it to her. She starts saying what is the matter with you Cynthia, where is your mind? Why didn't the guy remember to give you my forms, where are my forms? Why didn't I win money, you must have given me the wrong results yesterday. Then she makes this crazy motion with her hands as she is tellimg me all this. Mimicking how I am losing my mind. So, later I go back to the Gas station and ask the guy for her forms back. He gives them to me and says yeah, I forgot to give it to you. I say to him, yeah, she is having at tizzy fit. I proceed to buy her 3 scratchers. So, I get home and guess what? She starts in on me again for only buying her 3 scratchers instead of 5! She said you know I told you that when I buy only 3 I don't win anything but when I get 5 I get something. I tell you well I thought I hear you say 3. Then she starts talking about how I am forgetting everything cause I have too much on my mind (meaning my daughter's 21st birthday today.) You know I am to put her first above all else and if I dare think of others I better get all her business completely perfect. When this crap happens it makes me so tired. I told her I am doing my best I have a lot on my mind. She says yeah, I know. I then tell her I am doing my best, if my best is not good enough I am sorry..but it's all I can do. Maybe you should get my brother to do it, then I leave. Today is my daughter's 21st birthday. She's been home since Friday with her bf of course...cause she doesn't drive herself anywhere. I have had them both here...and my parents, husband daughter bf and I went to Disneyland in Anaheim yesterday for part of daughter's celebration and I am dead beat..she gets to rest I get to cook etc..all day doing something first time I sat down to rest today..and now I have to go and do the GD dinner. Granddaughters, and their mother are coming over. What am I everybody's monkey? Always doing and entertaining others? Everyone wants a piece of me. And, Im not talking sex here..Hah! As if...anyone wants me...as if I want anyone, as if I want sex for goodness sakes! That is a whole other story..lol. Tired of being the monkey..and having monkeys on my back going push them the hell off soon..Need a BREAKKKKKKKKkkkkkkkkkkkk.
On another note..hope you all are having a better day then me..
We have a new president...yeahhhhhhhhh
Hugs
Me Cindi the monkey you know.
Thanks, I needed to see these comments this morning to get me thru the day.
Love,
marylynne
2. you can't get blood from a stone 3. You can love someone but you don't have to like them. GREAT! So I learned, I'll do what needs to be done because she is mom, but I can't expect for her now to get emotions she's never had unless God heals that and my mom allows for that healing to happen. It doesn't make it any easier emotionally
This has had to be one of the worse weeks of my life. The counselor that I go to has told me that I have to speak what is on my mind in order to get it out in the open. Well, little by little I have been doing that.
Tuesday, I spokke my mind about a few things to my mom and wound up in bed all day from feeling guilty. Thursday, it happened again. It seems I have to measure my words with my mother and everything I say is always wrong. Well I just had it and told her off a to z. I wound up in bed again all day. I actually dehydrated from eating or drinking nothing.
Today, it happened again, I went in her room and told her that her sarcastic nature is what is giving me a nervous breakdown. She said she was born sarcastic, which to me is just another sarcastic remark. I told her that If she could curb her sarcastic quips that maybe, I could get along better with her. She said I never minded it before. I told her, I do now. I really cannot take this life any more. I can't keep my mouth shut when she aggravates me because it is eating me alive.
Please give some advice. Dying here.
Love,
Marylynne
My dad was supposed to have double knee-replacement surgery, which was my primary reason for moving at the time, but the surgery was cancelled after he failed the required pre-surgery heart check-up. He is 86 and very easy going and is no problem to care for.
My mother, on the other hand, is a negative, critical, gloom
You need to discuss what options are available for your mother. My mom's care started when she did her first hospital run (for attention, not because she was sick), and it landed her in the geriatric psych unit. Believe it or not, this became a blessing in a HUGE disguise.
They discovered a main pattern for my mother which helped me to find how to treat her. My mom's areas of control that my mom had lost since my dad's stroke had left her with severe major depression (being suicidal). The isolation may be a part of her lifestyle from even being a child or it could be a cause of psychological issues. Definitely define your questions to the doctor and look for patterns in your mother's behavior. It certainly can't hurt.
my kids is what keeps me alive they are 20,15,14 they try to joke to keep me smiling. i also have high blood pressure, buldging disc and a deteriating disc and can't get them fixed cause of taking care of her. i went to the grocery store and sat in the parking lot for a while of course i was only 10 minutes away but i could have stayed there forever pitiful huh well it's feeding time for the next hour. hang in there.
love Ricki
Have you tried adult daycare? That's helping my sanity (if I have any left). Good luck -
Lira
That's the problem, I know I am stuck now. I have tried so many anti-depressants to pull me out of this. None work for me. I have a super fast heart beat that the meds just make it worse.
I lost my sanity yesterday and trying to recoop today.
I also, want to vanish and am starting to think about it. I have a 12 year old daughter and a 21 year old daughter that would be devastated if I fall apart.
Love,
marylynne
your stuck just me you now have no option but to deal. sometimes i just want to vanish it is so difficult i don't knwo witch way to turn i am losing my mind. each day will suck more and more wish i had a more positive attiude
It's too late, already did the addition and already wanting to throw them out. Can't take it any more, I lost my sanity TODAY!!!!!
Thanks for the input, I kind of new it was the wrong thing before I did it, but felt like I had to try.
Love,
Marylynne
It explores both at home and institutional care, but does it in a very personal empathic way. As a psychologist who deals with the elderly and their families, I found this beautifully written and very helpful.
Dr. Charles Merrill
think long and hard before you add the addition. i did that five years ago because i was so tired or going down to their house to get the paper, get the mail, pay the bills, bring cooked food, fill meds, clean their house, mow the yard etc. everything had to be at a certain time. i have three children then they were 15,10
shadylady... sounds like my mother in law when she lived with us several years ago she had dementia and alzheimers one in the same I am thinking after reading all your posts. sounds like you are going thru a rough time I know I did. After about a year of that she went back to her daughters to live it didn't seem to bother her as much as it did me I also had a 16 year old boy at that time and she would run around the house naked etc so I had to make a choice. She had left her daughters to come to live with us thinking she could have more pleasure and we did provide that she got out more she got her hair done and nails and out to eat, shopping etc. I hope you can deal with this because it is hard not to take it personally. She acused my son of stealing her panites etc what 16 year old wants old lady drawers LOL so back to her daughters she went and than it wasn't long she died. I felt guilty for a long time she was also a diabetic and I took really good care of her she didn't always like it because it is scarry for them when their independence is all but gone.
Now #2 I am looking for suggestions. I am now taking care of my mother. long story short her back hurts all the time, she lies to her doctor so he now only sees her every 6 months because she will not do anything he asks her to do or I tell her to do she's over weight high blood pressure, will not exercise, will not do anything around the house except fix herself something to eat and every now and then unload, load and run the dishwasher and do her laundry, her room is approx. 15 steps from the bathroom we leave the hall light on at night. She took my tiny little trash can I used by my desk at home and she pees in it at night. My mother is a big woman and thinking it would be easier for her to use I brought down the pottie that I used for my dad before he died. She picked it up and put it in the living room and said she will not use it because its for invalids! Well, I am going to get the little waste basket out of her room, she doesn't want anyone in her room, my house I must say, and I do give her some privacy but she won't take a shower or bath we have things for her to hold onto so I have a seat you put in the tub refuses to use that well she can't pull herself up out of the tub so whats next if she gets sick and she doesn't bathe enough if and when she ever goes to the hospital she will be a grand candidate for MRSA. Do I make myself sick worrying about all of this. The big thing with the little can is if her back hurts so bad she can't dust or sweep or anything than she shouldn't be squatting over a little can and perhaps fall, shes' done that before, than its clean the carpet well the little string of dominos that goes on and on forever you all know what I mean. So I am open to ideas. and I thank you in advance. neon