My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
If I can't find socks, I just figure, hey, it's a sandals day. LOL After he retired, he became more self sufficient, but now Mom needs help finding something every five seconds. LOL
After 2 days of fighting, I found out that my daughter didn't pass the message as it had been worded. I guess she didn't want to make supper, either. Since Mom had been driving me nuts anyway, I was too quick to jump onto her. But if she hadn't been, then maybe, I wouldn't have been at the explosion stage. I feel guilty, but I'm keeping it to myself, don't want to give her anything to use for pulling my chain.
I have been working hard around the house and running errands and with the physical stress, just call me Puff cause my ass is a draggin'.
I have decided not to take any kind of medicine from now on. I do not want to live to be a burden to my sons. I have been thinking of it a lot, and God tried to take her 5 years ago, but modern medicine brought her back. Is this a blessing? or is it a terrible disservice???? this horrible hateful mean old witch was a lot nicer then. i loved her then. unlike now, when i can hardly stand the sight of her. her nosiness, her meanness. today she said, who is going to write my obituary? i said so what difference does it make? you are not dead. she said well, i want someone with some sense to write it. I said, well, i think i can handle it. She said, you are not smart enough. grrrrrrr so that is exactly how she feels about me. she said well, what songs would you have played at my funeral. It just hit me to say something stupid since i am so damned dumb, I said, i think "Stand me up beside the Jukebox would be a nice selection. Of course she has never heard the song, but at least it made me smile. Funny how we take pleasure in such idiotic things. sometimes i think i am about as nutty as she is.
another day with this nosy old heifer. nothing new. just same old crap day after day after day. hope you all are faring better. luv, donna
Sorry I have been gone sooo long. Marylynne house was not the only house hit by lightning. We lost our phone service last thursday. We just got it back an hour ago.
I have missed so much. I hope you have all had a good day.
We had a very stressful weekend. Dad fell at rehab on saturday, he was ok. Later that night he yanked his catheter out, balloon and all, how we don't know. He had tramua as you can imagine. We were in the ER for 5 hours. I went home and waited by my cell phone for the next crazy call. Dad wants to come home, but I can't care for him the way he is.
Cindi, I am very worried about you. Go hide somewhere in the house. Even if it is for a few minutes. Just to catch your breath. Let sister prepare meals if she is giong to be there. Let her care for parents too.
I hope the move is going well for marylynne. I also hope Judy is having a great time.
I too am in florida, St. Augustine. I NEED A CRUISE, WHEN DO WE LEAVE?
Hope you all have a peaceful night.
Hugs, Cathy
By my count there are three of us in Florida. Traveling for a getaway once a year soounds wonderful. Panama City isn't that far off from Gainesville. bweber where are you located? It is so hard to get a day but the fantasy of a week is wonderful. There would be hell to pay for us all if we could manage to do it though. It would be good for us too.
I called sis and told her to come get Mom yesterday. Mom cried when she left and said she felt shanghaid (sp). B4 she turned around good everything was in the car and I shut the door. When she came back this morning, Mom asked if we had enjoyed her being gone, and I told her of course, we even brought in the dog and pony show. Mean, I know. My husband and I took the opportunity to have a battle royal when she left. It seems I have been a little less than pleasant of late. Gee......... Don't know how much more drama I can stand: crazy woman or dead man walking. What a choice.
Had a mini blowout with Mother today. Told her I need a break, feeling overwhelmed and I wasn't going to do anything else for anyone. She took it out of context of course..anyways..lots of stress here especially with sister in the picture and helping her find a place..etc. Maybe Wednesday I can sneak away at night leave parents with husband. He can serve my dad some dinner and give him his bedtime meds...(I will leave them out). I am drained between mother, father, sister and who knows who else. I think we all have a condition...it's called how can I help you??? Or..you want me to do what?...sure, would you like fries with that???...maybe I just have to stop trying to save and help the world.
A bit of introspection into myself.
Have a good Monday....
Cindi
Monion2one - I am in Panama City, moved down from Montana last year and am loving it - no regrets - beats the heck out of 8 months of winter
Hey everyone - I just had an idea - with all of the talk of having to get away and new groups starting - how about a once a year caregiver getaway - take a week as a group and go on a cruise or something - I am quite sure that there would be alot of guilt passed around but I am sure that the world would not stop turning for anyone - might just to everyone alot of good - parents included
Georgia
As you may or not recall, I had a "discussion" with my sister about her lack of help with our mother. It was agreed that she would take Mom everyother weekend and apologized for leaving me with all of it. Well, that lasted one time. Mom went to her house for the first scheduled weekend and it was like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Before she left she kept asking why she was being sent away. If she wasn't wanted maybe she should move. OK, but where would she go? Her weekend went quietly and when sis brought her home, it was to stories of how well they got along and had a great time together. Then I knew I was screwed. Her next weekend was to be July 4th. Guess who didn't go.
July 4th is sis' husband's birthday and there was a party planned. Our niece had invited us, my husband and I, to her house for a get-together to show off her new house and have a cookout. Niece thought Mom would be with sis. Niece invited first and I really was looking forward to going and meeting a new baby and seeing her new place in peace. I sent reminders to sis and children regarding caretaking arrangments for mom. Mom went with me to niece's house because she didn't want to be left at sis's. Sis is perfectly all right with this because she didn't have to take care of her again. Can you see who isn't all right? Sis always has an excuse called her life is more important.
My twin grandsons turned two this week so everyone was at our house on Saturday. Great party, food, pictures, played games and listened to Mother get into everyone elses stuff. She started with announcing that someone should start the grill since it was obvious that the hostess wasn't going to do it. That would be me. We had two hours until food for the grill would be ready. Round 1:"We will take care of it Mother. Well it sure doesn't look that way to your guests." Round 2: Sis's husband is a smoker
Any way, I am starting a group at Yahoo Groups called Parenting Your Parents. If you are interested, you can join by going here
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/PARENTINGYOURPARENTS
Helping sister and taking care of parents is getting to me.
Night everyone...be well
Cindi
On a lighter note - I did my birthday dives today and had a great time and guess what - I am going again tomorrow. I came home and told my mom that I would not be here in the morning because I was going diving again - I could tell that she was not too happy but she did not say any thing - we'll see what happens :)
I am dead tired here but want to wish you all well and wanted to read the postings. My sister has spent more time with us and she is reverting back to her old ways. She is acting as if she is completely okay, but she isn't. She is acting better then she was though. Donna, negative people only have negative things to say and like to blame, criticize etc every change they get. I know you fell into that trap and hate it, I don't like it when I should of seen it coming too. But, heck we can't always be prepared. Judy, your parents will only see things and feel things from their perspective, remember this. You deserve this break and do not let them manipulate you into feeling bad. Enjoy yourself!!!
Welcome here freebird. Happy Birthday. Sorry, you did not get to spend it like you wanted. I agree with Shdy (donna) I think it is too soon for you to know how it can get. I do think you are out to a good start by talking and communicating and setting boundaries. You have already started feeling resentful, this is only the beginning...and it comes with the territory. Good Luck. There is always a place here to vent etc...
Marylynne, your mother is competitive with you. She is a spoiled and self centered, just like my mom. They do not deserve us. I also think she likes to upset you. But if you say one little thing off color or off putting to her she is so hurt.
Susan good hearing from you.
Cathy, you have good memories with your dad. It's hard to see them age and be sick. All we want is our big strong dad back. It does hurt. I hope he will be able to go home with you in the near future. Take care sweetie.
Going to bed here...night..
Hugs
Cindi
You told freebird just what I wanted to tell her. It is all nice and dandy in the beginning. I know what she must think of all my rude comments about my mom. My mom and I were best friends. She was my rock when I was young and as a teenager and young adult. She always had a selfish streak and was never independent. Always depended on my dad. Then my dad handed her off to me.
My aunt gave me a good talking to the other night when I was crying, about how I did this to myself. But, it didn't come about that way. After my dad had his stroke, my mom was lost, she didn't drive and didn't know how to take care of the finances. I took things over little by little. First it was the mail, then it was the bookkeeping and so on.... I thought I was doing the right thing and didn't realize that one day it would take over my whole life. She is mean and vindictive now and I can't stand her. It took 20 years of me thinking that I was doing the right thing to realize I was doing the wrong thing.
I remember talking just like freebird. I hope it does not change for her. Her mother seems more able to be told how things are going to go. My mother you can't tell her anything. It is her way or the highway. Or anything that goes wrong in her life is somehow my fault. I never did figure that out. She told me the other day that she had a good daughter, but I had the best mother ever. I wanted to puke. Mothers would not put their kids through this. Mothers would want to see their kids have a life, outside of them.
My mother never watched my kids, after my dad had a stroke and I would never ask her too. But, how did I get this job, when she wouldn't do anything for me?
Just lucky I guess, huh Donna?
Hope you and Don had a good time the other night.
Love,
Marylynne
Marylynne, i am there honey, i know what you mean about them being absolutely mean and childish. my mom has a closet full of very nice clothes. she wanted me to help her organize it today. while in the process, i found 4 outfits that still had the price tags on them. i stupidly said, why these have never been worn. you should start wearing these things. her response was: You never take me any place nice to wear new clothes.....yep, knew it was my fault somehow. Then my nephew came in for a while and i was sitting in the living room talking to him, and my mom. She said to my nephew, She never talks to me unless there is someone here and she can make a show of it. grrrrrrrrrr I just said, i run out of words some times. we cannot talk about the same stuff all the time, and as i dont go much of anywhere, i do not know a thing to say that is new. more guilt trips. Susan, good to see you back. Free bird, happy birthday luv donna
LOVE YA!!!!! @->- Suppose to be a rose, don't know.
No thank you yet for setting up help to come in.
I love all of you and I will think of you often wish you were going to be there.
susan hope you feel some relief
freebird happy birthday!
oxoxoxo Judy
And about that crying, all it does is gives me a headach which I already have.
My mother always told me to go by the K.I.S.S. pholosiphy...
Keep
It
Simpile
Stupide
I keep working on it!!! Our life is what we make of it. I have always told my girls this. I wake up in the morning and say okay God cover my mouth when need be. That is alot.
You will be just fine, I just know it!
Love
Susan
thanks for the birthday greeting - I agree that talking to others in the same situation helps - we can all use it at times
Sorry about your back - sounds pretty painful but you sure sound like you have a great attitude and that is what keeps us all going - my motto "you can either laugh or cry and crying isn't going to do any good" - so you might as well make thebest of it. It also sounds like you and your mom have a pretty good relationship for the most part. I agree it's not gonna be easy but hey, my mom raised me alone from the time I was 8 months old so I'm sure it wasn't easy for her either - I guess we just have to keep reminding ourselves of that.
Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday Freebirdinfl, Happy Birthday to you!!!!!!!!!
Hey girls have been off computer for a while. I have the degeneritive disc deise (SP). Have been having promble with left side of head, and arm. Went to my nuro sugen (SP). He sent me for about my 5th MRI. Where he had to put the two disc from the crops in my neck, the one at the top that is mine has started to bulg. I am too young to be this damb old, and too old to have some of the thoughts I have. LOL.
I love our new lady, freebirdinfl. I just started talking to these ladies also not too very long ago. It really does help to find that someone else is there even if it is to get something off your chest. As you can tell my spelling is not the best, forgive me, never have gotten that very well. That is why they have spell check. LOL
Mother and I have had a sit down and we both agree something is not right and we have to fix it. She has agreed to be tested for dementcea (SP). She wants me to get the Power of Attorney for her ready and living will. She does not realize the presure she puts on me when she always tells me I am all she has. She has been telling me this sence I was five years old.
freebirdinfl, my mother brought me breakfest in bed until I was married and out the house. Over compisation for an alcoholic father I guess. I was the youngest of 3. My oldest brother died when I was 16, he was 32. My other brother is 56 and I wounder a good bit why the other one was taken instead of the one that is here. I know that is a very cold statement but trust me he has earned it.
My mother was my best friend for most of my life. She has been living with me for eight years now. It has not been easy girlfriend. She tries to raise my 12 year old for me sometimes, because we don't always agree. I do understand her loosing her freedome, because my back has stopped me from doing so many things that I love. My most favorite thing is to garden!!!!! I have to do a little, a lay down and then can do a little more. I hate it. And I don't like that word. You know the Hate word. But I do.
Sorry to end on sour note but have been at computer far to long, I can feel it. I have missed you girls so much. I tell everyone about you!!!
Love you all,
Susan Myers
Have a very good time. I love you,
Marylynne
I wish it was that easy. I have had that talk with my mother many of times. Some parents will always be dictators. It is nice that your mom understood and abides by your rules. My mom won't.
Judy, I know exactly what you mean. My mom does that shit too. Yesterday our fight was over salt and pepper shakers. I bought her a set and she liked mine better. Accused me again of getting something nicer for myself than for her. Her whole side of the house is identical to mine, except for her sofa. She has the same tables, the same rug, the same decorations. Then she tells everyone she picked it out. She says I got my good taste from her so she is allowed to say that. Tonite, I went and got her the preciious salt and pepper shakers and told her that I would give the other ones to my daughter. She said she was keeping both.
I think she is absolutely childlike. It takes everything out of me just to talk to her. She is mean as hell.
Well the war is on and guess what it is over a cooler, she gave me a cooler that used to belong to her it plugs in the car and keeps everything cold. Well we had it packed and she came out and said rather snide "take care of my cooler" I said like I would destroy it, anyway you gave the cooler to me and she said "No i didn't" so my husband yanked it out of the car and I said to her" you always take things back", so true. So then she changed her mind and said take it and I said its a cooler not a life, she's pissed because I'm going and not her.
You know after all the things I have done especially in the last month to arrange things to make it easier for her I still don't get appreciated.
She was so smilely for the aid that came today, it made me sick. I really want to cry, now she will make my husband out to be the mean guy she always does that.
My Dad told me to tell her before I left that she better be nice while I am gone, or he will leave the house. I told him I have ladies coming to take care of him so he will have company everyday. Venting Judy
Marylynne rashes can indicate other problems so PLEASE get it checked and when I get back I will expect a diagnosis.
I have been trying to organize all of dad's meds and keep all the communications going between the caregivers and me. Its alot of work unappreciated by you lknow who. Now she's telling me what to do with the meds, I got pissed and said why don't you do it she said I have to put it by you, I have been doing it all anyway. I even made a list of meals, instructions for the caregivers what did she do NOTHING.
I WILL BE HAPPY TO GO.
I'm sorry we all have to suffer with the abusive mothers we don't deserve it
Cindi have a great girls night out.
Donna have a great evening out with Don.
Its hard on the youngsters and they shouldn't have to deal with adult issues, my Dad looks to my 15 yr. old for help.
Marylynne please put on a happy face for me :)
Buttercup, try to get your mom a place of her own because you will become resentful you will become an enabler and she will be the queen take our word for it she will appreciate you better if she does her own thing and you do yours.
I will catch up with everyone tomorrow oxoxooxox Judy
It only gets worse, Mom and I had it out tonite. No need telling you the trivial thing she started the fight over. I told her that she was the one giving me a nervous breakdown. She said if I didn't want to move, that I wouldn't be having one. She said the move is giving it to me. I told her the move was necessary for me not to have a breakdown. Again I told her about needing separation. She doesn't get it, she will never get it. I told her for 46 years my life has revolved around nothing but her and now that I see that she doesn't care about me it will stop. She said what about the addition? I told her I would buy her out, go find an apartment and then don't expect me to do for you once you move. She called me a few choice words and said I have changed for the worse. I said so be it, I did change Katrina changed me. I finally see the light. I have been wasting my whole life caring undyingly for someone who does not love me or appreciate me. I am stupid. It is all my fault and I have no one else to blame. I have to go because the tears are just pouring down my face.
I don't know what I would do without my 12 year old daughter Robbilyn. She is my heart. But I see in her what I was to my Mom. I don't want this for her. I want her to have her own life with her own friends. I do need her love right now, but it is a shame she has to witness all of this from what supposed to be a grandparent.
I hugged my Dad tonite for the first time in a long time and told him how sad I was. He said that she is Crazy and I do believe it. There is no reasoning with this witch. It is no way but hers. I can't keep ignoring the things she says without saying something. It doesn't help in the long run, she is too far gone to understand. This is not my mother any more. I hate her. I wish I would die just not to have to content with this any more.
Don't worry about me, I'm not suicidal. Just very depressed. Will seek a counselor tomorrow.
Love,
marylynne