My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
Had a very bad day the last two days. Dad has been acting up. Think its testosteronal...if thats a word. My mom is mean, I grant you that, but he is so demanding. If she forgets something, he starts pounding on his table, like a little child. I went in there and asked him what did he want. He was mad because my mom forgot to pour him drink. I told him, he can pour his own drink. The thing is, every time my mom forgets something, he wants to get on her case for it. I told him that she is just as old as he is, and she is getting forgetful and can hardly take care of him anymore. He said, he didn't care. She went in there and took the cup that he was banging on the table with out of his hand and slapped the piss out of him with a wet rag. I went out the room and just let her do it. She really didn't hurt him, but I decided I'm just going to let them kill each other. I don't care anymore. My husband said for me to stay out of their fights and not to interfere.
He said if they want to kill each other, so be it. What do ya'll think? I'm so use to refereeing. Even when I was home, I use to referee over the phone. I HATE MY LIFE. Then my adult child comes home and starts fighting with my 12 year old. I picked up my purse and walked out and took a ride. I can't take it any more. I am too seeking a counselor. I am starting to pop 2 nerve pills a day, just to get by. And as for the new house, just a new set of problems that I'm sure will give me another nevous breakdown.
Judy, I love that comment about a cock rooster. My Mom acts just like that and Donna, I am laughing about you calling Walmart, Wally World. That is just what it is. I hate that place. When I go in the back door, theres this old man greeter and he says to me where are you going today darling. Pharmacy..... Where else.
Cathy, Honey, listen to me, been through this rehab thing so many a times. You are going to get sick of the home health care people coming and going. I know he probably is strengthless right now, so be careful about what you can handle. Don't let it overwhelm you, like it overwhelms me. Every time my dad has another bout, I promise myself the nursing home is the next step, but that never happens.
Cindi, you are right, my mom and dad have too much money saved for medicaid, which actually hurts them in the long run. I could also be paid for my services if they were on medicaid. Being poor, is better for them, then there prescriptions would be paid for and the nursing home stays, if they had too. How unfair that the government punishes those who saved their money. My dad worked hard all his life to provide for my mom in case he passed away. She never worked at all in her lifetime. Little did he know his money would be going to take care of him. I can tell you this, if it ever comes to me having to use a hoist to lift my dad is where I will draw the line. I can hardly help him in and out of the car now. I'm about 5'4" 127 pounds and he probably weighs 190.
Love,
Marylynne
I think of you all often. Finding time to read and write postings now that school is out has been difficult.
Cindi I am sorry I missed your birthday. I hope you had a nice one. I had a piece of chocolate cake in your honor tonight. Actually I just needed chocolate. HAHA.
You are very lucky to have a husband that is there to help. Mine is working two jobs and will only be here on weekends to help. Dad is coming home tomorrow. I am scared to death. He is worse than he was before surgery. No strenght. They say he will do better at home with home health care.
Marylynne I am behind you. stand your ground with mom. Its not easy, but she will never back off unless you make her. She can take some responsibility for dad. She married him, not you. I know dads can be easier to deal with. I hope yours is. My father has always said you cannot have two mothers in one house. It dosen't work. I truly hope you had a good day today.
Judy, HAVE THE BEST TIME!!!!!! I can do nothing but smile everytime I think of you on vacation. Have a great one for all of us! DO NOT LET BEAST WOMAN RUIN IT!!!!!!!( sorry about calling your mom beast woman, it was the nicest thing I could think of) I know somewhere in you you love her, but don't let her take this away.
Donna it is good to see,read your old self again. You seen much stronger. That makes me smile. I'm sorry you are not feeling well. I will check tomorrow to see how you are feeling.
Maggie hang in there. These ladies can get you through anything with your mom. Therapy works too.
Wish me luck.
hugs, Cathy
You are entitled to some free time and I'm glad you are not letting her get away with manipulating and guilting you. My mother also told me a few weeks ago that maybe she will go back to the senior living because I am hardly home. I told her mom, I am home. Just happens lots of things are coming up now. But, I am home more then not for sure. When I do go I make sure there is someone here (husband or caregiver) and I take care of all of there needs. I also said but if you are not happy here or satisfied than you do whatever you think you need to do. So if your mother is not happy about you taking time off then she can decide to move somewhere else. You can't survive locked up with her 24/7. You need time to recuperate and rejuvenite yourself in order to go on taking care of her.
Marylynne, I wonder why they won't go to your home to do some of these services. Like the other girls said look into it more. Can your dad or mom qualify for medi-cal, medicaid? My parents can't unfortunately. Here in CA if my dad was on medicaid I could be paid for my services. As far as mom saying you should be happy, just tell her you are not. Sorry, for all the hard times hoping the addition will help. Kind of exciting moving to a new house although headaches too.
Judy getting excited for you about vacation. Looks like things are coming together for dad and healthcare. Your mom will rant, let her. You are still going. She can't manipulate or guilt you into not going. You need this for your sanity and you need some time with your family.
Maggie, I am glad you are getting some counseling. I just went to see my counselor today it made me feel better. My Mother had nothing but negative things to say of course. I told her she helps me (counseler). I have a crazy chaotic family and this helps me stay balanced. My counselor (who is like a second mom now to me) told me I am too nice and I must take care of myself better...which in my current situation means I have to tell my sister that she cannot stay with us at all. Her BF is having her evicted if she does not move out soon. He has told her a number of times but she has done nothing about it. She asked me yesterday if she could stay with me in an emergency and I said yes.
Dummy me..I did say it wouldn't work for her to stay here and it would have to be a very short time only. But everyone, (husband, daughter, counselor) feels that she should not be let in at all. She is toxic to me. So is my mom...hah! Counselor told me not to move mom in either but mom was so depressed I had to offer her to move in but with some conditions. She fights me on the conditions especially when she is doing bad which was just 2 weeks ago. But, I hold my ground it's just not easy. As Donna said you would think these moms would think of us seeing that we are their daughters. But, I know my mother always chooses herself over me or anyone else. That hurts and is hard to take. Especially when I have chosen to take care of her and dad and I know she would NEVER do anything like that for me. Going to take some time off tonight girls. My weekly time off but cutting it down to save money from caregiver. Going to make dinner and have hubby serve my dad his dinner and give him his bedtime pills. That's all he has to do for me. My husband has been a good source of support to me. Thank God for that.
Love you all...
P.S. thinking of you Cathy, Susan and Minion
Cindi
I tols my mom yesterday I wasn't changing my plans then she walks around the house like a cock rooster GO AHEAD AND GO!!! then she is in my Dad's room in his face saying she doesn't make all the decisions around here.
I'm even afraid to leave the kittens with her she yells at them and speaks to them like they can understand every word. RANTS and RAVES I couldn't live with myself if I was like that. I'm glad to be me.
maggie, you have to have the feeling of being above them and feel good to be the person that you are. We are all doing only the best we know how and can't be asked to do more. We all need to hold our heads high because this is not a job everyone can do, look at all the family members that aren't doing this job.
Marylynne, maybe you should talk to your doctor about the home health care thing. I am sure that there is some way they could see your dad. There are always ways around these danged medicare rules. I know, have seen it done. If nothig else, have him contact another home health company. This is bs that they are not coming in to help you especially with the blood work and stuff.
My mom has home health and there is not too much physically wrong with her other than her recurring utis. It all depends on how the doctor writes the order. Judy, hoping that your mom will not spoil your vacation for you. sounds like she is hell bent to do so. Don't you just love it? OLD WOMEN IN CONTROL. we must be idiots to let this go on.
Cindi, so nice for you that so many want to celebrate your birthday with you. Just proves what i have always thought, you are a wonderful gal.
have a great day all,. Donna
Your post hits home. Your anger and frustration at being manipulated are palpable. I think being manipulated is the worst feeling in the whole world -- maybe because it's happened to me so many times.
Looking good is also important to my mom. She would destroy me, my marriage and my relationship with my own daughter to look good. (She has proven this in the past)
Your mom, like mine, must know how unhappy you are and how destructive this whole situation is for your life. What makes her stay with you -- is it financial?
I don't know why my mom stays with me.
I am starting therapy next week -- I've got to believe that I am a good person. I've got to get some self-esteem back. I am going to talk to the therapist about seriously asking my mom to leave my house. I think I fear that I will end up feeling worse after she leaves. My siblings will never speak to me again -- that might not be a great loss, but it's scary not to lose my entire family.
Judy, everytime the long term health company calls, my mom insists on answering all the questions and then asks me for the answers. She is so independent. The old people always threaten to go in the hospital on holidays and vacations. So go any way not matter what. Listen, who is giving advice, the one that can't go any where.
Cindi, I too so mornings want to just stay in bed and never get up. I wonder what they would think, if I just said, I am not getting up today. I get tired of the doctor appointment stuff. My dad can hardly get in the car now. He shakes so badly transferring from the wheelchair to the car. Home health will not come, because there is not three things wrong with him right now. I don't understand, if you can't get your dad in the car to do bloodwork and doctor appts., why won't home health come out? He is wheelchair bound and hard to move. It is so unfair.
Feeling like my usual lovely self, depressed and don't care about anything. My mother says, you have everything to look forward to a new house and a new life. Yeah, a new life with old people for the rest of my life. Fun!!!
Love,
marylynne
Haven't heard from the doc yet waiting. No I don't have wandering parents, and I would look for my Dad but let my mom walk for a long while.
Donna the other day my dad was going to build himself a little place out in the woods. He can't even see. He for sure cannot be alone. And my mom said she just wants to be alone yesterday and I said you can't be alone you can't get anywhere by yourself.
I make all the dr. appts for Dad, I communicate with the drs and I pick up all his meds, do all his banking, write all his bills and now she has the nerve to say she's going to tell the doctor that she wants him in the hospital right away, thats fine let her do the job she is supposed to do. If the doc calls I'm handing the phone to her.
Had the social worker come today to ask my Dad questions about his health and any issues the home health aid will have to deal with. Though he may end up in the hospital before I leave.
oxoxoxo judy
Mother's bones still hurt. She is in constant pain slightly relieved with vicodin and aleve. Taking her to Santa Barbara 45 minutes away for an x-ray then back on Thursday to see her doctor. They don't know what is causing the pain. Might be the cellulitis she had almost 2 weeks ago or a reaction to the antibiotics she received. They are having some tribute to veterans at her old senior residence and she wants to go for the bbq etc. So, taking her and dad there first then to SB. After all the birthday festivities (which aren't over completely yet few friends want to take me out to lunch etc) and my daughter leaving I am feeling the letdown. Seems like life is mundane again with the things we do and must do with parents and life in general. Keep on trudging on I guess. Pretty day here at least. Home here with the old people, the dog and the bird. The dog comforts me a bit. All I really would like to do is jump back into bed and read maybe. Then the day could go into night and I could sleep. Think I will feel better as the day goes on...I hope.
Have a good Tuesday. It is a new month!
Hugs to you all
Cindi
Yesterday was horrible for me. My mom decided to move. yes, she is going to rent an apartment and live alone. This all came about because Don and i left and went to the casino for a couple of hours. I said fine, we will go look for something today. she then started backing down. I said well, can you take care of everything yourself? she said well, you leave me here by myself, i may as well be by myself. Then you have that man here. I dont approve of this "living together" and think it is wrong. I told her that i didnt especially approve of it myself, but, at this point, with my income, it is the smartest thing to do. I would marry him in a heartbeat, but,,,, need to think of myself on this one. she ranted and raved on and on all day long. i lost my temper and called her a mean old bitch, and was sorry, but, that is exactly the way i felt. Then last night she started acting so sweety sweet, that i just want to bust her ass like a small child. I am angry with her still and would love to send her to the moon. or anywhere where i am not. She toddles out to my sons apartment, and tries to get him to side with her on issues that she makes up. she is vicious, mean, hateful. I CAN NOT STAND HER. she is the type of person who would do anything to her own daughter, if it made her look good..girls, i am not in this for much longer. i am beyond depressed. I hate her and everything she stands for. so sorry girls nothing good to say. cindi, happy belated birthday. and marylynne, she doesnt wander, but if she did, i wouldnt look for her mean old ass. Donna
You deserved to have a HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. It was great that you had such a surprise. Happy Birthday from me also. What birthday was it? 29 How was WALL-E want to take my daughter to see that. We enjoy seeing movies together. It is our girl time.
Don't worry about daughter, she will make it just fine.
Today, went to act-of-sale on the house I am living in. Now I am renting for a month till I can get in my new house. Mom is getting nervous about the move. She cannot stand change. Dad has been acting funny today, had to see if he was breathing several times today. I think I am paranoid sometimes.
Judy, can't wait for you to go on vacation. Hope you have lots of fun.
Maggie, question about siblings. My oldest brother was always an asshole as long as I can remember. But, my other brother and I were super close. Now that I have my parents, he wants nothing to do with them. They both told me that I did this to myself and that if I died tomorrow, my mother would replace me like an employee. I kind of believe that now. I didn't at one time.
Donna, Miss hearing from you. Hope everything with Mom is fine.
Have to tell all of you a story. My husbands mother wandered out of the house last night while one of my husband's brothers was sleeping on the sofa. She walked several miles in her pajamas to a very dangerous highway. Police officers found her, she knew her name, so they looked it up in the phone book and brought her home. My brother-in-law was already out looking for her. For those who are dealing with alzheimers, does your parents wander. Cindi?, Donna?
Love to all,
Marylynne
Everyone sang to me and we had cake, ice cream, some gifts, flowers. Later my grandkids went home and 2 gfs and jeff one of their boyfriends came over for cake and to have some chili I made. We later all went to see the dodgers vs angels. Dodgers won! After the game we went out for Tommy burgers which is a tradition after the game. Got home 1:30am boy I have not recovered. Daughter took care of my dad and mom so the caregiver didn't have to come. Yesterday (real birthday) we went to see a movie Wall-E then later dinner at a Japanese restaurant. Mom paid some of it. She offered but didn't want her to pay it all.
She gave me some nice skin care products. I had stopped buying it too expensive. Daughter just went home. It is a 5 hour drive. Long story but she had some drama with her ex bf so a male friend drove down and is driving her home. He spent the night on the sofa. Good to have less people in my small house now that they left.
Judy, hate it when the day is harder then usual and the parents are in a bad mood. Hard to please. Happy Birthday to your Father! 95 is a milestone. As far as mom, my mother always has me to do most things. She says she can't do it, they understand me better..etc. Or, else she does do it but she gets confused. Guess it comes with the territory but it can be very frustrating.
The parents are in their rooms. Already gave dad his night meds hope I can relax tonight. Will be anxious though until I hear that daughter got back safely. Always something, huh.
Hugs
Cindi May this week be better
Maggie, yes my sister had always been catered and pampered and although I didn't realize it she was self-centered. This has carried over to my parents. She was helping me take care of my dad in the beginning but soon petered out. She is now unable to help because she is unstable emotionally and mentally. I hope in the future there will be more support for those of us who are caretakers for our aging parents. I am not sure why most of the work falls on one adult child but I have heard it does. I guess the one who has them most of the time is the one who it falls on. The other siblings figure we do it best I guess and also they don't want to be stuck in case we decide to give it over to them.
Marylynne, I think being unappreciated and having to take the blunt of their angry/sad emotions is the hardest part of taking care of our parents. Feeling unloved, and unappreciated makes us not be able to feel the good feelings of our efforts, of all that we give up, all that we do...it makes one angry, hurt and resentful. Marylynne, I know how you feel you are going to blow a fuse and it is so hurtful, frustrating, to argue with them. If you say A then say B, if you say A they say why A? It's as if they are evil mean thinkers and have such a feeling of worthlessness it's always why me? Makes you want to bang your head against the wall. Sorry you had such a bad day the other day. Hope things are calmer.
Judy, how are things with your dad? Hear from the doctor? Glad you will be getting away soon. You all need it.
Donna, how are things with Mom. You took her to the ER the other day. Only for them to say she is okay. Is she better? How are you holding up?
Cathy, hope you are doing okay.
Anita and Minion same goes for you both.
Write again soon
Cindi
Today the docs office called with the results of her bloodwork and left a message, who knows why she didn't answer the phone. They told her to call back to confirm she got the message, she can't even do that right, she stumbles around with what to say. I don't like to do everything for her when she is capable of doing a simple thing like a phone call. I told her the test is called protime and she said " well I'm stupid" I said " no you just need to pay more attention" she kept on about being stupid.
If we didn't go to their appts. what a disaster that would be they wouldn't get anything right, I told her it could be dangerous if you don't pay attention.
Today is my Dad's birthday I don't think he realized it, we actually sang happy bday to him on sat. before my son left for camp. Didn't start out too well for me today he wanted coffee at 7 am, then complained about the soup I bought him for lunch, had roasted chicken for dinner, and asked what the date was thought it was the 3rd.
Made some calls today to set up the home care to come while I am away, wanted to go through the insurance they told me I had to get a perscription from the doctor for the insurance to be billed, otherwise its $800.00 ahead of time. I have a call in to the doctor. Happy monday oxoxoox Judy
I am curious, How do your perceptions of your siblings from when you were growing up, compare to how they treat your situation?
My sister, Julie, was always self-centered when we were growing up, but as we got older I thought she became more "human" -- She encouraged me to take mom in and although she caused me work, she seemed okay.
When things were not going well, she became worse than I remembered as a child. Self-centered and narcasitic don't describe it.
Does anyone have the same experience?
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I read your posts and I can understand everything that I read.
Our society is so unprepared for aging that when a child takes a parent into their home, it is seen as "the end". No more support.
I am at my wits end and maybe if I had some support from my siblings or anyone, I would not be in such bad shape.
I don't believe government is the answer, but family should appreciate the efforts and the stain of those caring for aging parents. My siblings don't think that I am enduring any stain or stress -- my folks don't affect me at all. Yeah right.
My aging folks think they are angels. Any problems must be because of me -- it couldn't be them!! They are old and weak -- how could they affect my life.
Everyone here feels guilty!
EVeryone here feels like a complete failure!
How could doing something so unselfish turn into the worst mistake of your life?
Don't you hate that you can't go with your kids. I always have to send my little one to dance camp with some other mom, because I can't go. You are right she practically told me today that I owe her for everything she has ever done for me. I told her thats what parents are supposed to do. Children are don't have to take care of their parents unless they want to. And they don't want to when they are unappreciated and unloved. RIGHT!
Have a wonderful vacation for all of us, will you. I would like to hear that someone enjoyed themselves.
Love,
Marylynne
Maggie, your mom probably refused to go with them because they will take you if something is really wrong so it couldn't have been bad.
Sent my youngest son to scout camp for the week he'll be back Saturday, I wish I could have gone with him and the rest of the troop, but I can't. I have to contact the home care on Tuesday and have them come out for an evaluation before vacation.
Later Judy
I can totally relate -- I read your post and I just kept nodding. I am sorry that this is happening to you.
It is so. . . hard to ignore hurtful and insulting words -- Yeah, yeah sticks and stones may break my bones -- until it comes from someone you love.
It's so interesting that I have spent the day trying to figure out how to tell my Mom that I want to buy her out of the house. She made renovations to my house and I feel that I must pay her back if I ask her to move. You were so brave to actually talk about this -- I wish I could "go balistic" and say everything I feel. I fe3el like such an idiot for letting my life become so messed up.
I did the unthinkable today -- my mom called the ambulance and I didn't go to her side or make contact of any kind. I believe she was making me pay for not taking her out to dinner for her birthday. My step-dad screamed up the stairs that the ambulance was on it's way and I ignored him. My husband -- went balistic -- threw the groceries we had just bought around the kitchen. The ambulance left without mom inside -- we watched from the window. Would an ambulance leave someone who truely needed care?
Someday it won't be a manipulative ploy and I will be sorry.
I am writing this, while I feel that my head will blow off from crying so much today. My mom and I had it out. She accused me of buying things for my new house and not offering to do the same for her. I have showed her everything I bought as it was delivered and have worked like a tyrant to get her addition finished. She doesn't remember me showing her the things I bought and don't understand that we can't buy things for her addition, until I could get window measurements and so forth. We have bought her bed spreads and curtains and so forth, but accused me of not letting her in on things. I WENT BOLISTIC!!! I told her that I did not choose to live with them, they chose to live with me. I told her I can't handle this life anymore. As usual, she won't take the blame for anything, it is never her fault.
She told me, maybe we should have never built this addition. I told her I would buy her out of it. I would make a loan. Then she accused me of having more money then I say I have. She said I cut her to the heart by saying I would buy her out. I think she is nuts, I know she is nuts. My heart rate went crazy and my blood pressure went sky high. She came and sat by me and everytime she did, I moved. She won't apologize, she said she has done nothing wrong. She said she has never asked me to do any of the things I do. I said, so where would you be if I didn't do them. She said she doesn't know. I can't stand it any more. I feel so unloved and so unappreciated. Its like everyone takes advantage of me because they can. I let them. I did this to myself. I have no one to blame but me. I told her that too.
Feeling very sad for myself, not trying to be a martyr. I need to change myself and not care about them. They don't care about me. I told her that with everything I do for them, she ought not to ever fight with me. She should overlook things. I think she is so forgetful that she can't remember anything any more.
Feel like I don't matter.
Marylynne
Maggie, glad you are here, don't feel bad about the way you react to your mom. We are adults and they tend to forget that. My mom doesn't like my husband either because he won't take her BS. She doesn't show any respect for anyone yet she feels entitled to all the respect from everyone else.
Your mom said she couldn't get involved with in telling your nephew not to go into your house well she became involved when she let him in. I would install those mini alarms that when you open the door they go off and maybe he'll get scared and change his mind.
We all are living with tirrants for mothers, dictators, slave drivers, queens to just discribe a few. Sometimes I feel like Cinderella, cooking, cleaning, etc. have the prince already, just waiting to be free of the wicked mother.
Donna, cindi, marylynne thanks for the vacation support, oxoxoxo Judy
Judy, take your trip, then worry about the surgery. Like marylynne said, he has lived with it this long, a few more weeks wont be too bad.
Cindi, you are so right!! we do have very exciting and glamorous lives. I spent the better part of the day in the e r with my mom. so exciting. I was ready to eat nail soup, because we were there before several others, but seems that they were seen and leaving before we were ever even seen, then when finally we saw the doc, she said there was nothing wrong with my mom, altho she has had a headache and been listless for about 4 days now. I didnt want to go to emergency room, but my nephew insisted that she needed to he seen. Her primary care doc was out of town, and his office said take her to er. IT IS ALWAYS THE SAME DAMNED THING. medicare would not pay for them to admit her, to my disgust. i dont know why they couldnt put her in hospital and run intravenous antibiotics to get rid of the kidney infection once and for all, but, NOOOOO, medicare has its guidelines you know. kinda pathetic that you are so tired that you would like to put them anywhere to get them out of your sight for a while. dont mind me, just rambling on, pissed tired and mad. donna
My story -- I tried to post earlier and it got "lost" so I will try to re-create my post.
My mom and step-dad have lived with us for 8 years. We bought our house specifically because it was large enough to build an apartment in the lower half for my folks and we live in the upper half of the split level. My parents didn't prepare for retirement and they were at the point of not being able to buy food, medicine and shelter. They used the proceeds of the sale of their trailer -- 14K to remodel the lower half of the house into a full apartment. We did all the labor and we were able to build a large kitchen (dishwasher included), large bathroom, large bedroom, large living room with sliding glass doors and they even got the garage. My husband worked himself to death to get it to be very nice -- my mom bitched about everything he did, but he was wonderful and did a fantastic job.
My mom and I used to get along well. I had lived away for many years and I guess the fact that I only had to take her in "small doses" made it so I could deal with her. My husband used to like her very much.
When we first moved in, we saw each other everyday and ate meals together several times per week. Then mom started to really bitch about everything. Then she started demanding that I take care of her -- call her doctors late at night, take her to the emergency room (there was always nothing wrong), invite her friends to every social event I had, fix her computer, fix her cable, hold every family gathering, be her counselor while she complained about my biological father who had just died, complain about my paternal grandmother who had died, complain about my sister who stopped talking her years before -- I was so tired I nealy lost my job. My friends stopped coming to my house.
My husband stepped in and told her she had to stop. He also told her that if she wanted to keep her part of the house 90 degrees at all times she would have to pay for the bill. He also demanded that they stop coming into our part of the house whenever they wanted. Things only got worse after that. My mom told my siblings that I was trying to steal from her. One of my brothers still believes it! We pay all the bills except their phone and food! Now my mom tells anyone who will listen how mean my husband is. She even told my niece not to let my husband play with the kids because he was so mean -- She said it in front of everyone!
I hate to be around her. I cringe when she calls me. I avoid her. I hate coming home. It's not my home. I have started to refer to her as "bone crushing negativity" -- I used to love this woman very much!
My siblings don't help or do anything to help me. My oldest sister hasn't talked to mom in 10 years. My step-brother moved away and thinks I am stealing from them even though we don't take a penny from them. My other sister will come to visit or try to help, but she is mad at me because I cornered her and told her she had to. She is very angry at me tonight because I wouldn't go out to dinner for mom's birthday. I refuse to be bitched at and then have to pay the bill for dinner. Also, they don't invite my husband -- it's always "girls nite" because he won't take her shit.
Also, my mom let my nephew into my side of the house when no one was home several times without telling me and he has been stealing my daughter's bras, underwear and swimsuits. I confronted my sister with it and she refused to believe it until I caught him red-handed. She made him return one bra she found. He has stolen 10 bras, 2 swimsuits and 20 pairs of underwear over the last three years. My sister doesn't think it is a big deal and has tried to make my daughter feel bad. I told my mother not to let me nephew in my side of the house and she told me she couldn't get involved. My daughter now does not feel safe in her own home. She has to lock her bedroom whenever she leaves the house!
I have re-read this post and I can't believe I am saying these things "aloud". I want out of this house -- I want out of this situation, but I don't know how to get out.
Do it after vacation. You need the time away to be able to face whatever is coming. He has lasted this long with it. What about lithotripsy. My mom had that, where they used ultrasound technology to crush the stone into small pieces. Is that what they are going to do, or actually go in and get it.
Wait and have a vacation first.
Love,
Marylynne
good idea to see what the doctor recommends. Can Dad live with the pain for another month? Does doctor suggest he have it sooner? I don't blame you about wanting to do it after and being afraid of him not making it. Good that you made your mom do it...suppository. My Mom probably would not do it.
What a glamorous life we lead...
Cindi
So would you do it before or wait until after? I know he doesn't really want to wait, but I am afraid of having to plan a funeral before vacation if something goes wrong during surgery. I know I shouldn't think that way but he will be 95 on the 30th of june. I'm going to see what the doc recommends.
finally got the BM going used suppositorries NO I didn't put them in him I told my mom I draw the line there she had to do it. She complained that she had to clean him up and that it smelled.
Take care everyone oxoxoxoxo Judy
Donna and Marylynne, thank you for your prayers and caring. You are a comfort to me.
Marylynne, your mother switching on the light when you and hubby were in bed is something my mother would have the nerve to do. The remote control and the fan are things she also has trouble with. So far she can handle her phone but I have to erase the messages on her machine. Wonder if this will happen to us too.
Donna, I think it is so romantic how you met your boyfriend. He sounds great! I am a big romantic and have fantasized that situation. I think he is your knight and I am happy for you. Keep him and don't listen or let mom interfere. I hate that she says ugly, hurtful things to you. My Mother has also done that to me in the past sometimes even now but less. That is something she could say. Maybe you could say yeah, mom I take after you!...haha..
Anita, I can empathize with you in regards to you keeping your daughter. I did the same with my son who has now passed away. You had it harder then me cause your mother kicked you out. My Mother didn't, she helped me and for years I never was allowed to forget it. She threw it in my face and hurt me with it whenever it fit her. One day I finally said if I knew you were going to do this I wished you would have thrown us out in the street. I meant it too. We lived with my parents until he was 6 and I married my husband. I was 19 when I had him. I gave up so much to keep him as you well know. It hurts me to the core having lost him. I am so happy for you that you have your blessed daughter. My son also would have be 29. I am sorry about your husband being an alcoholic that must be a hell in itself for you and him. Take care of yourself.
Minion, good for you that you talked to your sister and told her how you feel and what you need. You will have to keep up on her and sometimes feelings won't be so good. I had problems with my sister about this and it affected our relationship. But my sister has major emotional/mental problems that have gotten worse and she denies she has problems and won't seek proper help. So, I have just let that issue go. I take care of both of my parents. My brother does their finances and recently helped when I went out of town with Husband for 3 days and 2 nights. Mind you, I had a caregiver here for my dad. He took care of my mom and her emergency room visits (she had severe cellulitis and bone pain, she still has some bone pain). He came through in a big way for me for once! Can you hire a caregiver? I have one her name is Maryann. My mother did nothing but complain about her. I've had her for a year and a half. I could not survive if I didn't have her. My dad is still easy to care for so it isn't that bad. I pay her 10.00 an hour. That still adds up though. My Mother actually pays for me to have 8 hours a week off (one day) and I sometimes go over that and pay out of pocket. She had a tizzy fit about paying for my weekend away, but brother came to my defense. He said I deserve a few days away. I told her everyone gets a vacation when they have a job. They usually get 2 weeks off! She fights me all the way on this. She only has the money from the sale of her house and ss hers and my dads. They are not rich for sure. She is afraid their money will run out. I told her well right now you have money and for me to continue I need time off. Otherwise I can't do it. Might as well send dad off and her too. As it is I'm still going knucking futz! So hang in there!
Marylynne, again..I worry about you. Like Donna said you are so loving. Sweetie, if it continues to be bad like this, perhaps it is time you start thinking about another way to do this. As I have been told there are other ways to take care of your parents. They could live somewhere else and you tend to some of their needs. You are living in a situation that is making you sick. If this addition thing doesn't work, then it's time...and your parents need to know that. Love to you.
Judy, how are you?
Cathy, thank you for your well wishes about trip it was nice getting away. Take good advantage with dad being away. Happy he is getting better I know how worried you were. Good luck with the baby making, sweetie...(smiles). If you feel it is right then it is for you.
Donna, and Marylynne you have been angels to me.
Love to you all
Cindi
The phone is another thing, she can't dial the phone, even with the big numbers on it. She woke up several times in the last week, and said the phone was ringing in the middle of the night and no one was answering it. The phone did not ring. She got up one night and flipped the lights on in my husband and I's room and said no one is answering the phone. My husband, just looked at her like she was nuts. She also, got up one night and woke my daughter up and told her that your mother was just in my room beaconing me to come. Where did she go. My daughter told her my, mom is sleeping. Do you think this is a form of dementia, or side effects of long term anxiety meds?
Cindi, I'm saying a special novena for you. You are a very special lady and you take care of yourself with your surgery. You will do fine. This is for your health and well being.
Love to all,
Marylynne
Anita, so sorry to hear that your husband is an alcoholic. My late husband was too, but was a dear, even when drinking, so i could look over it. I dont know what i would have done had he been beligerant. I am so glad that you didnt give up your daughter. I know just what you mean about having to get permission from mommy dearest to go out of the house. I get so sick of that. when i met my guy, was one of those nights when i had to get out for a while, and my mother had said that i was out screwing every "old" man in town. That is the reason i was so blue that time. She says ugly things about me, and never ever wants me to go out of the house unless i take her along with me. And, i dont, and i wont, and she can take that to the bank.
Minion, hooray for u! way to go. get sis to get off her duff for a change. But seems to me it was only a few weeks ago that you were so happy to be out of school and away from those little monsters for a while? lol. Remote controls? omg those will be the death of me. Every time my mother wants the channel changed, i have to go do it, no matter what i am in the middle of, it has to be dropped so i can change the danged channel. Telephones? another mystery to my mom. she hears them ringing, but doesnt answer, because she says it is not for her anyway, and if they want to talk to me, they can call back.washing machines are another mystery. everything that is dirty should be put in the washer at once. my black pants with towels is always a good thing. my life is out of control too. i am out of control. we all are. talk to u all tomorrow.