My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
how are you doing sweetie? You are kind for saying that to me thank you. You say it well too, Austin. It is good to be supported. Glad you said anything at all! How are you doing with your husband?
Judy,
you are right nothing new with the roller coaster and my sister. However, now I have finally realized how bad it is and what it is. That is the oh aw realization. How was your Thanksgiving? I usually consider myself as having two celebrations. One for my son by laying festive flowers, pumpkin christmas tree whatever the season and praying over his grave. Then I have the celebration with the rest of my family. That is the only way I can be with my son so that is how I share it with him. At Christmas I volunteer and go to the Worldwide candle lighting ceremony that is held the second Sunday of December. That is how I spend Christmas with him and of course a tree with decorations..etc at his gravesite. I make his favorite dessert for the refreshment part after the candlelite ceremony in his honor and memory. Did you do anything like that for your Father? It is the first one I know. It may take awhile to make traditions for your Father. Special love to you and your family.
Donna, Love to you.
Marylynne...where are you sweetie? I have a feeling some of the postings here have made you feel uncomfortable and not feeling like you want to share. I hope that is not the case. Hugs to you.
Sha, Ply...hope you both had good Thanksgivings.
Miak...you too.
Hugs
Cindi
My take on this is that your Mom makes you angery and not that you are a angery person-my mother in law made me very angery but in those days I took everything that was thrown at me and now that she has passed I wished I had tried to make things better. Cindi thank you for your posting you always say it better then I am able.
Sometimes it is not what you say but how you say it. I think this time you have said too many things in such a way that it would make it hard for shadyldy (Donna) to hear you. No, caregiving is not easy and you don't know the whole history. I agree witht the majority of what you said about not being safegood for either one of them. I agree it's time to move the mother out. Even the mother herself wants out. She wants to be the main focus and detests the fact that Donna now has someone else in her life. Worse then this that Donna dares to have a life at all. Donna needed to have set down firmer ground rooms from the get go and she is doing this now. The Mother is acting badly and acting out. I do believe Donna needs a little empathy and compassion. In your posting I don't see much of that.
Donna, be well sweetie. It's time. Until then keep it together.
God Bless you both
Cindi
Teasandtoads, It is good to know about all that our parents can have wrong with them but when I mentioned depression to the doc he said I can prescribe something but will she take it? I said not if she knows what it is for. There is also BIG DENIAL about such things including hearing. I have mentioned to my mother about having a hearing test and she said there is nothing wrong with her hearing. We all know that she is getting hard of hearing. My Dad had a hearing aid and didn't wear it because it made everything louder, not just conversation or TV, thats all he wanted it for.
Just like the dentist my mom REALLY needs to go there but won't. She already complains about the drugs she does take and doesn't want to take them anymore.I tell her no one is forcing you to take them, but if you don't then expect health problems. If we could be so lucky to have parents that comply to our wishes we wouldn't be here writing to each other.
Austin, I am glad that your husband seems to be treating you better, and I hope your care for him has rewards for you.
Cindi, sorry about your sister but you should be used to that roller coaster huh?
Donna, glad you decided to entertain, I had some friends of my oldest son over for his birthday, always avoided that because of the noise but now without Dad I'm ok with it. I don't care if it bothers her.
I told her today that if she doesn't keep people in her life that it will be her loss.
She doesn't like it when I talk to my Aunt Mary just because I think that I can talk to her and she listens to me.
I am going to hit Walmart in the am, hope all my friends had full stomachs for Thanksgiving and I am thankful for all of you. Where's marylynne? oxoxoox Judy
Sunshine, good for you on your way of thinking!
Everybody, I am thinking of all of you and I hope that each and everyone of you has a very Happy and Peaceful Thankgiving. Love, Ply
My husband wants to go to every doc except ob-gyn I finally said only if he really needed to go and now he has to make appointments when the aide is working for us- since I fell I am not able to get his heavy w/c in and out of the car so I can relate- I had said to a social worker I never met anyone who loves to go to docs- she said you never met my Mom. Sunshine- thank you for your commets you put it better then me we all have a right to express our opions
Please do not be upset-I have been interested in depression in the eldery for many years. M any yrs ago I went back to college for a while and did a research paper on this subject and could find very little information on this subject. I also fought docs for years with my husbands problems and was biowed off even when all he could talk about was sucide-I did everything possible to get someone to listen to me and finally a N.P. really listened. Many of the caregivers were able to get help for their loved ones but where I live the docs do not want any more problems to deal with and it is easy to push family members away. Every one of us has something to add to this site and sometimes there is critisisms and it seems some put us down but we are all friends and have every right to express our opions. I my self have said things that were taken a different way then I ment and have asked for the persons forgiveness and really felt bad that I upset someone-I do hope you stay on this site it has been a lifeline for me and I do not have it as bad as most others and would like to get to know you better.
Thanks for nothing
the holidays make you miss your loved ones more then usual. It is normal to feel low and grieve. Your hands are not as busy as they were when your father was still here. Your boys are growing up and more independent. You are kind of lost. Your role has changed and now you are redefining. Best thoughts, wishes and prayers are with you sweetie.
Sha, you are so sweet. My sister is better from her psychosis but the personality disorder which led to the downfall of everything in her life has returned and there is no cure for that. It can be managed/controlled with counseling and if she is willing to be honest with herself but at best it is very difficult. Her disorder makes her very narcisstic, selfish and self centered and causes her to rage when things are said or done that she does not like. My Mother is similar but not as bad as her. I have decided to let my sister out of my life and at arms lenght. I've busted my butt all these years for both my mother and sister. I realize it is not possible for me to be close to my sister. She will always stab me when she is unhappy with me. We saved her life, renurtured her and this is what she does. It's just the way it is. It will be sad and it is sad not having her here for Thankgiving. At the same time, it is also peaceful.
Donna, your mother sounds like a hypochondriac! My mother is kind of like that too. At age 90 her time is getting short here. Things can change and happen in a moment. She has her age and one never knows when their time has come. My mother lost a former senior resident friend. She saw her last Friday at "Happy Hour" entertainment and then 3 days later her friend was gone. She had passed away in her sleep. She was 90. You have been so good to your Mother, Donna always remember that. She is so very lucky.
I wish all my friends here a very Happy Thanksgiving. Let's be grateful and count our blessings. To the new people here welcome. To those who have been critical please leave it at the door. We need support and compassion.
Love to you all
Cindi
Judy, I know what what you mean about needing an outlet. Maybe you would like a hobby, rather than volunteering. Maybe you would like to try oil or water painting. I once took sign language and I loved it. Other good suggestions from the girls were making afghans and lap blankets. How about collecting food for a soup kitchen? Good luck with your decision.
Cindi, I'm sorry things are not going well for your sister. You have been a good sister. It seems like it gets harder around the holidays. Hope you are having a better day.
Maria, it's sad to say but I think it looks like your mother may be needing a nursing home soon. I would be worried about her during the night getting up without my knowing and get hurt or walk away from the house and get lost. It's not an easy decision but sometimes it's necessary. Good luck honey.
Donna, as I read your last post it was like I was the one doing the talking. I, too, stopped having parties because of her but no more. I'm having a Christmas party next month for the nice people I have met on my commuter bus. She's trying to take over but I'm not letting her. And I so identified with not going anywhere because I know she will want to tag along. I try to get my errands done on my way home from work or when I know she won't be around to see what I'm doing. She always has to know what's going on. I could choke her. I dread putting up my outside Christmas decorations because I know she'll want to be right in the middle of everything telling me what to do. God, sometimes I hate her. I'm grateful I have a full-time job and I don't have to deal with her for 10 hours a day. And the negativity is beyond words. That woman is never happy. Sometimes I don't know how I stand it.
Well, I've vented enough for one day.
Hope you girls know you are always in my thoughts and prayers every day.
Have a good day,
Love you,
Sha
Also, check their NUTRITIONAL-VITAMIN levels- a blood test can check for many. Low levels of B-complex vitamins, magnesium, vitamin D- can all contribute to low energy and depression. It is very easy for elderly to miss getting the correct levels if they are on a low calorie diet.
Also have their BLOOD SUGAR checked. Being pre diabetic can cause mood swings, low energy etc. I'm not saying that a couple of pills will fix everything. My 81 year old mother struggles with depression. After having a lovely doctor gently recommend an anti-depressent and supplements her moods got better, she lost some weight, had more energy, ate less sweets, slept better. The downward cycle was stopped. Unfortunately once she starts to feel better she goes off the anti-depressant. The positive effects last for awhile. Now that my father has passed we are watching how she is doing and will probable start her on the anti-depressants before winter-she also gets S.A.D.
HEARING LOSS- check this also. The elderly don't like to talk about everything that is going wrong. Loss of control, vanity etc. However it is very easy for them to withdraw when they can't really hear everything that is going on, when talking on the phone is not as enjoyable they may stop-or being unable to hear when out with others in crowded restaurant may stop them from going. All these activities keep the brain active and helps to prevent isolation. I know with my mother a hearing test is not routine and had to be asked for. We are still fighting to make her get one. She says its the money- we know its more vanity. We might have won the battle when we pointed out that she didn't hear the smoke alarm beeping to let her know the battery was going. Good luck to everyone.