Advice vs opinion! Is there a difference?
Recently I received a message from a poster that unfortunately thought my (yes, smart a$$) post was directed at them. It wasn't.
So after a couple of messages back and forth, I realized that our stories are not all that different. And that got me thinking about why I get upset with some of the responses I see or receive.
There is a very big difference between advice and opinion!! I did some actual research! Pardon my paraphrasing!!
Advice is given based on first hand knowledge. Things we've experienced.
Opinion is based on how we feel. Not necessarily what we know.
I think this is the cause of a lot of irritation!!
So in the future, I will specify if I am asking for advice or if I am asking for opinions!
Regardless of whether we're here for advice or opinion, we're all here because we need support!!
We all have a common thread!!😊
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It isn’t even realistic.
What is right for me may not be right for them.
What is right for them, may not be suitable for me.
I accept this. I don’t expect all people to agree with my advice or opinions.
I absolutely am not going to agree with all of their advice or opinions.
When my children were younger I had a beautiful print hanging in our home with a lovely boat sailing in the sea.
Underneath the boat was a caption that read, “We are all in the same boat. Let’s keep it afloat.”
Living in harmony is beautiful. We can do our best to make it a goal.
Will it ever happen? Not a chance! There will always be controversy.
Does it bother me? Not in the least. I could care less.
Why should someone else dictate what I choose?
They are free to choose whatever is right for them.
That's exactly it!!
When we give our advice, it's because we have been in a similar situation.
When we give our opinion, we're telling you what we think you should do.
There is a huge difference between the two!!
Apparently he was under the illusion that as she had sought HIS opinion, she should follow HIS advice.
I suppose many are like that. Offer their 2 cents worth & expect it acted on. What's that about? Ego?
Anyway, apparently, Princess Diana felt differently - she collected many people's advice to sift through them all & see what would suit HER. Maybe she took none of it, (or dodgy advice from astrologists?) but it was her life to choose as she saw fit.
I find some people who give ‘advice or opinions’ feel that we must follow it.
NO! It’s our choice to make, not theirs.
I am glad that Princess Diana felt as she did and felt that it was fine to ask for opinions or advice but was going to do as she pleased.
Even if a person screws up, so what? Some people only learn from their mistakes. Others never learn, even with a lifetime of mistakes!
What I have found on this forum is there are some people who are firmly in one camp or the other - for example, put LO in facility vs. keep LO home. And that's fine, because they're opinion seems to be based on their own experiences. They're valid opinions, even though we might not always agree with them. However, when it becomes an argument seems to be when a poster states they have already made up their mind (ie: "I want to place mom in a SNF, how do I make it easier" or "I want to keep dad at home through his final days, I need some advice on how to make that work") and then these posters jump onto the thread and state what a wrong decision it is, because in their situation it didn't work. That's fine to give experience stories, but not really helpful to the person who is asking the question.
If you're going to look for advice in an online forum, I think you have to be able to wade through the stuff that's not useful to you and take to heart the stuff that is.
I cared for my father for three years when he was dying of cancer. My mom continued to work and I took time off. I was at his home every single day, went to every doctor appointment, chemo appointment, spent every second I could with him and did any and everything I could think of to make him feel better. I cherished every second. He died at home and I was there, it was the most devastating moment of my life.
I do not regret one second of the time I spent with my father and never felt a shred of resentment. I never felt the need to get away from him, it was just the opposite, his presence was a comfort to me.
My mother is now the one needing care and the two experiences are like DAY and NIGHT. Due to her abusive ways and narcissism I can barely stand being in her company. The mental work necessary for me to deal with her and my reactions to her is immense. This entire thing so far as been nothing but misery.
I think experience matters so much that when I read the posts here one of the first things I consider is the relationship between the LO and the person trying to give care.
I spent my life as a Nurse. We were always taught NEVER give advice unless your advice is to "go to your own doctor". As you can imagine people came to me all the time when I was in my career. "My child just fell off the swing. I think he is OK; he has a lump on his forehead. What should I do". I really had to say "Call your doc." I could have said "Well, swelling out in a goose egg is always better than swelling in against the brain. You need to watch for unusual sleepiness and should wake him up a few times tonight. ".....blah blah blah, but you see that is giving medical advice I am not qualified to give. And if I am wrong a child could have a bleed into the brain that would be life changing.
Sometimes we have posters who give opinion that could have repercussions for the OP writing to ask. I always try to get them to check with their own doctor, lawyer, realtor. We don't KNOW them. Perhaps they need a mediator. We hear the stories of the OP and accept that as truth, not really seeing so much more. So it can be worrisome.
I don't really know anyone unkind on the forum. If I thought someone was personally attacking me or another I would go to their private messaging and take it up with them. If I got name called (and I have been.............can readily tell you the names I have been called), I would likely report the comment itself.
Some are more sensitive than others. Some love to argue more than others (see my hand going up as guilty of that one). Some are quite sensitive. I think usually going to the person takes care of the problem.
I love this conversation, Jodi.
So glad you asked this question. I could get very deep with this but I won't.
Henceforth, had I listened to a lot of the "opinions" or "advice" given to me on this forum in regards to my BIL, he would still have been in a Memory Care Facility four hours away.
Some said I could not have him moved because I had no authority. Others suggested to leave him where he was.
Thankfully, I listened to "myself" and had him moved closer to home. The move was so much better for my BIL and my husband.
My husband and his brother went from not getting to see each other often - to getting to see one another all the time.
Happy Ending : )
SN: To be honest with you, it does not take a "professional" (doctor, lawyer, etc) to answers most questions that are asked on this forum.
Most of it is just really, "common sense." Yeah
Alcoholics Anonymous was founded on the philosophy that only people who have walked the walk can offer their advice to, and sponsor, others who are suffering from a drinking problem. A person who is suffering from alcoholism doesn't want to walk into the doors of an AA meeting and talk to someone who's never had a drink. Why would he want to listen to that person's 'opinion' on how he should stop drinking, or how to go about doing so? That person wants to hear ONLY from another who's in the same boat. Who has an issue with alcohol, who can talk to him one on one and say, brother, I feel your pain because I'm THERE with you, in the trenches, dealing with it daily. Who has empathy, in other words.
Lots of people come here looking for actual legal advice. We don't watch Law & Order on television to get legal advice, we hire an attorney.
Lots of people come here looking for medical advice. We don't watch Marcus Welby on television and hand out medical advice, either.
Lots of people come here truly hurting & suffering from abusive relationships with loved ones. As in AA, if we are dealing with such a situation ourselves and have direct experience with such abuse, we offer our advice and techniques on how to cope with and deal with such a situation. We do not poo-poo them away by offering our 'opinion' that the abuse isn't 'real' or that the loved one 'doesn't mean it' and that we should continue suffering such abuse. To minimize their pain, in other words, thereby exacerbating it instead of alleviating it.
That's where 'opinions' differ from 'advice'. Opinions in very important matters or legal matters where the poster has NO FIRSTHAND experience with such things needs to be avoided. Advice should be handed out only when there is direct, firsthand experience with the matter that the poster is going through and asking for help with. Empathy comes only from experience. Or, as my husband loves to say, we learn from scar tissue.
Finally, an internet forum is just that: a place where anonymous people come to share their thoughts. It's a very good idea to always take what we like and to leave the rest. We had a poster say she was suicidal yesterday; the AC moderators had to step in to say, and I'm paraphrasing, please don't rely on a bunch of internet forum posters to guide you through such a situation; call the suicide hotline for help.
That about says it all, I think.
We have to work our brain.
Let me add one more thing. I don't respond to a question unless I know what I am talking about. For one, I do not want to "mislead" anyone.
Personally, I'm a firm believer, If I open my mouth - I want to be sure I can back it up.
You heard the saying - Put your money where your mouth is. That's me.
Maybe some people should answer questions with sympathy, which is "Greek for suffering. I sympathize with you meaning I suffer with you."
If people can not sympathize with someone then maybe they shouldn't answer the question!
Just my 2 cents!!
Some people are a wonderful help to others.
Others, not at all. An Internet forum cannot be taken at face value. Who really knows who is typing?
Some posters seem genuine and according to some posts that I read, they can’t possibly be legitimate!
For the record, it is different at an ‘in person’ support meeting for caregivers. I attended a group for awhile.
I thoroughly enjoyed hearing the social worker who led the group.
The rest of the group was comprised of various people who were caregivers to spouses, parents, etc.
Did we all agree with each other? I doubt it. Were we respectful of each other? Absolutely!
People wouldn’t dare say something to someone’s face as readily as they do in an online forum.
If they would try to be rude, it would be shut down instantly by the leader of the group.
Mods on an online forum aren’t going to do this. There are so many posters and they know that some are bound to be trolls.
So, ‘online groups’ are totally different from an ‘in person’ support group.
In person groups has a person monitoring the discussion. That makes a huge difference in how a discussion flows.
Plus people can see facial expressions, see body language and hear tones in voices.
You will never have that in an online forum.
If the site could be set up in such a way as my husband is working remotely due to COVID, that would work! They can see and hear each other.
Make your own choices and decisions.
Take it all with a grain of salt! Keep what is valuable and toss the rest aside.
NHWM,
Having some one monitoring does makes a difference because on this forum some people just run rampant saying whatever they want not caring about the damage or pain they are causing! But I guess, it is easier to be a bully on the net vs in person!
I would have liked your dad a lot. He sounds a lot like my father was.
They taught us to think for ourselves, right? I taught my girls to be independent thinkers.
We will never all think the same, nor should we.
It is fascinating watching children grow up, trying to find their place in this world.
My daughters constantly thank me for not forcing my beliefs on them and having faith in them to figure out what worked for them.
I know people who told their kids what to major in at school. That’s just crazy to me.
I never had any desire to live my life vicariously through my daughters.
It will backfire on parents who do that.
Kids deserve to choose their own path in life.
Sooner or later that kid who is miserable following what mom and dad wanted will rebel and say screw this and do what they want to do.
You must be a strong woman to let your kids figure things out for themselves without you telling them what to do and when to do it. It takes a strong person to let your kids make mistakes or fall (so to speak) while sitting on your hands. Ouch! Good for you! That means you raise some strong tough women!
My mother always controlled my brother & as for me, she did control me to a point, but for the most part, she never bothered with me. I couldn't be controlled all the way.
I guided my daughters. I made suggestions but I never dictated, which is different.
They were allowed to choose what activities they wanted to participate in, what university to attend or what they majored in.
It’s important to teach children how to think for themselves.
We aren’t going to be around their entire lives.
Our job is to prepare them to form their own opinions on issues in their lives.
When a doctor gives me a medical opinion, it better be based upon what is known and taught in medical school, and not on how he/she feels.
How true! How many would own it after seeing it?
That’s how I view it too. The two words are opinion and advice are interchangeable.
It's unfortunate!! Because in fact they are two different things.
If you look up the definitions, they kinda conflict each other.
One is based on actual personal experience and the other is based on thought.
My original point was in the hopes that to avoid irritation, we could read a post and discern whether the OP is asking for guidance or asking for marching orders or a narrative. I hope that makes sense!!
More often than not, I am looking for your much appreciated advice !
I could be wrong, but I think most of us appreciate insight from others that have or are going thru a similar situation.
I have received so much wonderful advice and support!!
It's helping me get thru an extremely rough period!!
Thank you!!
You make some very legitimate points. Advice and opinion may be synonymous, but your heart to explore, for example, why a person may get upset or irritated with certain responses received shows you are thinking in a compassionate way. And you are right, we all have a common thread as humans, and as caregivers supporting each other on this forum.
What is the synonym of advice?
Guidance, advising, counselling, counsel, help, direction, instruction, information, enlightenment. recommendations, guidelines, suggestions, hints, tips, pointers, ideas, opinions, views, facts, data.
What is the synonym for opinions?
opinion, idea, impression, judgment, mind, point of view, reaction, sentiment,
viewpoint.
Sometimes, with enough information, we can figure these things out.
I now see your post below....yes, in addition to everything (answering questions), we have to somehow understand what the OP is looking to receive.
Just venting is ok, but they often get advice and opinions too.
If ever you make a smart ass remark, just know that your sense of humor is appreciated by me.
My post was edited, because I had to look up the word synonymous vs. synonyms.
That’s interesting. I don’t see an issue with them being interchangeable. Many things overlap and are interchangeable.
Send gave a perfect example when she said about getting a second opinion! It’s not necessary to say, I am seeking advice.
I am not a person that hangs on every word that someone says. I don’t think there is a problem if something is multidimensional.