I have been taking care of my mother for over 3 yes by myself. An older sistervhas not visited her mother in 8 yes and lives 5 hrs away. My older brother lives in Europe and neither have contributed a thing. They don't take my pleas for help seriously. I am so stressed I can barely get out of bed in the morning. My body is worn out. I have no energy for a life or the time. Finally got a private companion for my mother, 3 days wk 4 hrs. I make meals, assist her (short term memory) and too exhausted for me to have a pt job. No break was given to to me. No $ for hiring companion. They don't care enough about their mother or me it seems. He checks in with phone calls because he feelsba sense of responsibility. That doesn't help anyone. I don't inform him of anything. I do not communicate. He doesn't want to hear it. As long as I am here they will do nothing. I never feel great and I'm resenting them always. Don't let anyone tell you the resentment goes away or just forget about them. Not gonna happen. All alone in this and it's hard to believe they put themselves first when she's at the end of HER life.
How I wished I would have found this website years ago, because it turned out I was enabling my parents to continue to live in their 3-story house instead of moving into something more elder friendly.
Enabling meaning every time the phone rang I would drop what I was doing [not easy when in the middle of a business meeting] to rush over to see what was going on. Usually it was Dad who had fallen, Dad usually was doing some fix-it maintenance on the house or was out doing yard work. Remember he's in his 90's. It took me years to get my parents to hire repair people, they didn't want strangers in the house.... [sigh]. Again I was enabling them.
My parents had stopped driving [thank goodness], thus I was on the road more times then I liked getting groceries, running errands, taking them shopping, many doctor appointments, etc. They refused to use a cab or the country's elderly ride-on system. So once again I was enabling them. If they had moved to Independent Living, the community would take them to doctor appointments and shopping.
I didn't think I would live through all that stress, developed a lot of serious health issues. Lost a lot of sleep wondering what would happen to them if something happened to me. I was their only child and I had no children. Dad said they would manage. Manage? Guess that meant they would sell the house and move to Independent/Assisted Living after my death :P
It became clear that mom could no longer stay at home, even with help, due to agitation and depression ( probably brought on by mild cognitive impairment). Nothing calmed her except having one of us there. After three consecutive days of having to leave work in Brooklyn and rush to Westchester due to an " emergency", i told her i couldn't do this any more, and that neither could my siblings.
Thankfully, she threw in the towel fairly gracefully and after a false start at an AL, we got her settled into a lovely Independent Living facility. She participated in activities, was able to get to the on site doc gerself, and best of all, there was a geriatric psychiatrist who was able to get mom's agitation under control with meds.
It was also that very wise psychiatrist who insisted that we get mom a cognitive evaluation, which is what uncovered the MCI.
Trying to manage this all by ourselves? We needed mom to be under the care of professional who understood geriatric medicine. That move to a facility? Best move she ( and we) ever made.
It is actually walking distance so I even peek in at random times. It is lovely, cheerful, and welcoming.
Your mother is responsible for herself. Her funds should be used for her care. You do not have a moral obligation to provide hands on, live in care for your mother. You need to see that she that she is cared for, to the best of your ability. This does not include giving up your life.
Do you live with her? She with you? What resources does she have to pay for care?
Caring for a parent doesn't mean you must be a hands on caregiver. It sounds like it's killing you...does that benefit your mother in any way?
If you are living with her and providing services, you should be compensated from her income for your services. And for respite, so that you can have down time.
Yes, you could pass on first because this task of being 24/7 caregiving is totally impossible to do. That is why 40% of caregivers die leaving behind their loved ones.
What are Mom's physical issues besides short term memory loss? Is there any reason why Mom isn't in a nursing home? She would get caregivers who work three 8-hour or 12-hour shifts who then get to go home to rest, thus be refreshed for their next shift. You don't get to do that, you are working all those shifts. And Mom would be around people from her own generation. I don't know if your Mom can still socialize or not.
If money is an issue for continuing care facility, see if Mom could qualify for Medicaid, to which Medicaid will help pay for her care.