Anger from spouse comes in the form of nasty words from a literate former lawyer. This is a coping mechanism.

I've used a slightly different technique with the Viking - it doesn't change her words but provides amusement for me

Viking says I'm going to kill you either to me or caregiver

I say how nice, you're going to kiss me?

that's not what I said, I'm going to kill you
so again I say
oh, you're going to kiss me?
No, kill you

how are you going to do it?

she then makes a motion like she's choking my neck and
I say nice you have a plan - I love you

she says I love you too

denentia requires patience and humor but there are long awful years that very little works with the relentless repetitive and oftentimes accusatory rage some experience - it is a long tiring journey for everyone

@Sendhelp It's a valid question: not disbarred, he no longer practices immigration law at age 77. "Literate" means he's well-read in many fields; the "keep a diary" phrase wasn't sarcasm because it helps to document when his PCP asks for details.

Pronker,
Was reading your post to my hubs, he interrupts and asks me to repeat what a "literate former lawyer"means...
He then asks: "Does that mean he has been disbarred?"

LOL .
really , its laughable .

a few years ago a woman was found welded inside a 55 gallon drum in our county . the perp was busted because of his welding technique .

i commented on this thread because some gal thought she was cute to undermine her hubby with sarcasm .

you are only telling 1/2 of the story and if youre alive in 3 months , i'll be surprised .

I'm going to start using this method on my son who is a full-of-himself lawyer. He's fine until he gets into 'lawyer mode' and then he treats me like crap--like I'm far too stupid to understand. Well, no, I did not go to law school, and no, I do not know immigration law the way he does--but it does not give him carte blanche to treat me as if I were an addlepated child.

He's still my SON and last time I was with him he got mouthy and I slapped him upside the head. Said "I am your MOTHER and you will NOT speak to me like that. Apologize. Right now and make it good."

Maybe the more subtle approach would work better, although the grands did get a kick out of seeing Nonny 'spank' Uncle B.

Captain, you would love the show "Ray Donovan"! Alot of body parts end up in a lake! I'm beginning to think the show's writers need to find another plot for disappearances. The lake seems to be becoming the first source for searching for anyone missing. Hope I don't offend anyone. I am just finding interest in the theatrical. I only started watching the show recently. It is now in its 7th season. My husband keeps saying haven't I finished seeing all of it yet. I want to ask the same of him about football.

@captain That's possible. We live 1.5 blocks away from the creek, ha! I think I could best him by a kick at the goods, though. :)

@Tryingandtired I know it's tough to Gray Rock somebody when everything inside you wants to defend your honor. I still use the technique, though, and notice how effective it is time after time, so to answer your question, that is what I would do when someone just glories in fighting. It's tough when all kids are gone and it's just you and him. I figured it would be, and Life is as I'd suspected it would be 30 years ago. I wish the best to you.

Spouse at age 77 is 90 percent at the stage my mom reached at 90 years old: if it isn't her idea, it's no good. Spouse surprised me yesterday, however, at taking the blame for something he did that made an appliance break down. Nine times out of ten, it's somebody else's fault.

it'll work till they find you in the river with a motor block tied to your ankles .

What would you do here? My husband has always been negative and had a short fuse. Now he is 79 and diabetic. He gets especially miserable when hungry.
He was out shopping for gift cards for me. He came in the door, saying that he got me gift cards, and asked where should he put them? One week to go before Christmas, so I said "I don't know." He says "You don't know? Don't you have some place?" I said to look where I have been wrapping gifts, as there is probably still a small gift bag there he can use. Is he this helpless? (It's also about an hour since he should have eaten lunch.)
Meanwhile, I have spent hours making a beef stew. He asks if it is done. Yes, and it looks a little red, because I already put some ketchup in it, like you always did. (Over the years, in his bowl, he'd add some ketchup. I had never seen this before, in my family, but since I know he likes it that way, I added some to the pot.) He looks in the pot and says "No tomatoes? You know I like tomatoes." (He always wants tomatoes in vegetable soup....this is beef stew. Maybe he didn't understand that.) I say, no, I don't put tomatoes in beef stew! I put some ketchup in there for you." He says "I never did that, I always put a little hot sauce in." I'm saying..."What? You always added ketchup." He glares and says to call up our son and ask him! He'll tell you!" Really? I say something like "Do you have to argue and prove that by having me call up our son??" Really? He takes a bowl of stew, ceremoniously puts some hot sauce in it and goes into the other room, eating in front of the computer. Before that, I show him the nice rolls I got at the store for him, to go with the stew.
He comes back out after eating the bowl and says "Those rolls ARE good!" I ask...."The ROLLS are good? What about saying the stew is good?" He says "Why do you ALWAYS have to be MEAN to me? I'm getting a second bowl, aren't I?" (I wouldn't normally ask for a compliment about something I cooked....it just struck me as bizarre that after eating something I spent hours on, his only compliment was on the store-bought rolls.)
I have to watch the diabetic mood swings constantly, like I am his babysitter. I have asked that he keep certain snacks with him, etc...he doesn't think he needs to. But he will get anxious and start being short-tempered in most cases, snapping at a pharmacist, or at me after church, before we get to a breakfast restaurant, always at home. But I am embarrassed when he snaps at people in public slightly, or more or less acts like they are stupid, or acts rude. I read up on diabetes, and supposedly it is not nice to "remind" diabetics that they need to eat, etc...because I guess it is like nagging them, or intimating that they are becoming grouchy. (I guess it's akin to saying something about a woman being grouchy and saying "Oh, I can tell you're going to get your period, because you're miserable.") I am only trying to stave off the next volcanic explosion, which will surely come if he is a half hour or an hour later with lunch than he should be. Any way I hint at or tell him his behavior is going downhill, means, to him, that I am "mean" and picking on him.

@NeedsHelpWithMom I certainly commiserate with you and understand how you feel. With great age and dementia/ALZ, I think, comes bravery or maybe foolhardiness. They know we won't hit them. It's an awful testament to the human condition.

@Geaton777 Ooooh, yes, teens are a challenge! They're frighteningly smart and witty without the gravitas of years to leaven their tongue. If you made them think, good! :)

@Countrymouse Yes, it works many times and you're welcome.

@AlvaDeer It's exhausting to fight all the time for me and yet others revel in it, so disparate personalities out there. I'm beyond the point where I think variety is the spice of life. All I want is peace, dead peaceful peace. :D

Pronker,

Really great technique! Love it. Have tried it on mom but when she is in a ‘hell bent’ mood, she just keeps repeating what she said with absolutely no qualms and looks at me like I have two heads. Like, what she is saying is perfectly normal.

My mom can be more persistent than an attorney! Hahaha. That’s when I choose to walk away. No point in spinning my wheels and going nowhere, and ultimately causing my blood pressure to rise!

I still can’t figure some things out. As soon as I walk off, then she doesn’t bring up the subject anymore. She’ll get this smug look like, ‘mission accomplished’, I got her riled up, almost like the topic was never of any importance, more about wanting to be in control, being able to push my buttons and so forth, a power struggle, if you will. Does that make sense? Or do you understand how I feel?

Teenagers? And it works? Good for you! I’m really impressed! That’s like a small miracle. Curious? Boys or girls. Girls are so emotional as teens, hormones! I had fairly good communication with my girls as teens but there times they would have just stormed off with eyes rolling had I done that, even though this technique is extremely thought provoking.

As teens they sometimes needed times to process situations before discussing. I learned to allow them to have that time or else we would have gone round for round, spinning our wheels and going nowhere! Parenting teens is a challenge and we learn as much as they do. If we are honest with ourselves, we will admit that we learn as much from our kids as they learn from us.

Heh heh I've used that technique on my mouthy teenagers and cranky DH. I just keep saying, "Can you repeat that?", "I'm sorry, what?", until they realize what I'm doing.

What an excellent technique! - causing him to reflect, not challenging or retaliating.

I can think of other situations that might be a good approach with, too. Thank you :)

This is masterful. When you have to repeat something awful it makes you actually THINK about what you said. Third time has to be REALLY just an embarrassment to yourself when you have anything left upstairs at all. I don't even think you NEED the diary. It does just at the end to kind of smile and gently say "thanks, my hearing is getting so bad. I wanted to be sure I heard you right".
I love you shared this. We can help ourselves so much when we just don't allow outselves to be pulled into the fray we cannot win.