Mom is 99 with my brother 70s and myself 60s. My brother and mom have a special wired relationship of which I have never been part. Dad, before his death, at least kept things in line a bit and brother could not totally control everything. But dad has passed 6 years ago and it has gradually turned to turmoil. Brother and I co own one house from dad and mom owns the other with us as beneficiaries. From the start I was anxious to help with the house but knowing not that much about property wanted to learn. However, the extent of my learning was my brother as, I got me to take out trash once a week, paint the stairs and call me for other work to be done. I wanted to actually sit like two adults and really discuss each of our responsibilities. He refused. He has taken care of the rentals collecting the rents all the main things and when there is a problem he runs over moms house to tell her how much he does. I have suggested reducing rent of a tenant in exchange for a custodial relationship this way no one would be bothered. He would not consider it. He won't paint - I could if I wanted to- he does not reply to tenants quickly if they have a problem. I would like to at least try to call servicemen when there is a problem but they have to be his service people at the time he says. My mom's house is totally under his control but expects me to repair things when he says to. He decides everything. Can't get a cleaning woman for mom cuz she doesn't need one - but she does - he expects me to clean. Won't go in for furniture for mom etc. my mom will not say yes to me unless he encourages it. Recently we met as requested over moms. I could not figure why my 99 year old mom had to be there. But because I anticipated trouble I asked my husband to accompany. My first solution was anytime there was a problem he should text my husband then we would work out. My husband is complete opposite of me and will not get baited into defending himself or anyone for that matter. We met. My brothers first request was what funeral home my mother wanted to use which was really weird. That was the last thing I thought of. So my mother repeated the one my brother wanted for her because it is in the city where he has lived forever and he knows everyone. Thinking about it now I would have said that it would be a hour visit before the mass on the same day of funeral because my mother herself only talks to my brothers friends. Second decision - when my mother passes he wanted her to tell me that she wanted us to sell the house that was her wish. That is his wish so he repeated this is not lawful but just wanted you to know that it her wish. So I turned and asked my mother if my husband and and I bought house can that be part of her wish. She did not know what to say so said no. However my husband pushed and said that it would either be that brother and I would sell or I would buy. He did not respond. I said that it really was not the time to talk about the house because my mother is still here and usually people don't talk about it until it becomes theirs. According to my husband our agreement was that I should not talk and he should. He feels that they always try to bait me into an argument. But when my brother starts calling me a piece of sh*t and lying about things that were said and done I get baited to defend myself. Like he had admitted he spoke to my best friends daughter about me but says that I made up this lie. However when I said that she told me what was said he immediately said she was lying without me saying exactly what she had said. Involved with them I never know what is happening. Everything turns around on me somehow or another. Then my husband gets mad that I answered. After being called loser. Piece of sh*t. Nothing. And get her out of here We left - I cordially said bye to my mom and did not want to leave in a huff. I was so upset I went past my exit. And ended up in traffic and was lost in thought so when the truck in front of me stopped I did not. Thankfully it was not another person or car, but I cannot go on like this. My car will get fixed etc but I want an end to this. He has called me these names constantly and I feel so downtrodden even though I know they are not true. As he said that I need a shrink yet I think he does but he does not believe in that. Does anyone have similar circumstances or any answers to my dilemma?
The Lord leaves no room to hate them back...in fact... He says to LOVE them. This is more than human. The Word says to pray for them and do Good to them... That is what the Lord says to do. He does not say however to continue to subject oneself to abuse ....I guess that is where the boundaries come into play. Setting Boundaries around my person where I can
draw healthy lines with abusive people. So I can Avoid conflicts with them, So I can Avoid getting sucked into their web and Avoid becoming victimized by them over and over again.
It is not unloving to create a safe distance from an abusive person.
Oh Lord help me to be a wiser person. Help me to Love my enemies....Help me to do good to them. But at the same time, please give me the wisdom to know how to lovingly remove myself from the reach of abuse. There is a fine line that exists that we all feel when it is crossed. I struggle a lot with this ....
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; Matt 5:44
My mother & brother has a weird relationship, and like you my dad kept everthing & everyone in line. He passed away four yrs ago and everything went to h3ll! My brother became very controlling with my family home & my mother. My brother has always called me names and treated me like crap. I put up with it for along time. (Only when I seen him at my parents house). I cut him out of my life for the most part. However, when I moved back in to take care of my mother my brother started his crap. And like you my mother would listen to him who does drugs and was stealing from her, but she would just look the other way. So, I put my foot down & told my mother I can't & will not live this way. Either her son keeps coming over and treating me like crap & try to boss me around, which in turn, I move out & she would have to hire help or get him to help her, which he wouldn't. Or I stay & help her, & he isn't allowed to come over anymore! He doesn't come over anymore.
This is the question that I asked myself: I wanted to save my dad's house because my mother was going to lose it if I leave, is it worth it? You need to figure out what is these houses worth to you. How much are you willing to put up with? I'm not saying for you to back mom in a corner because you won't win, but rather how much do you want these houses or just one of them? My dad use to say, don't take on a battle if you are not willing to go the distance. He also said, some wars are not worth figjting.
If you decide you want one of the houses you will probably have to hire a lawyer after your mom passes to deal with your brother.
Your brother is on a power ego trip!
You need to also ask yourself why do you care what he thinks of you? Does his opinion of you really matters? It's not like if he falls off the face of the earth it would affect you, would it?
See I don't care what my brother says or thinks about me. He is nothing to me. It sounds harsh but it is true!
Mom is 99 yrs old she is not going to change--that is just a fact!
Love your mom, do what you feel right by her. But you will never figure out their relationship, so don't try.
Figure out what you want and if it is worth it. We cannot control what people do, we can only control how we react to it. Easier said than done, but try.
What do you want?
What are you willing to do to get it?
Is it worth the trouble?
And stick up for yourself, stop defending youself, because your brother sounds like a loser!
Just so you know everything he calls you is "what he thinks of himself". Bullies portray themselves to be more than what they really are, and they are always weak. A lot of times what they say about others is how they feel about themselves.
Just food for thought!
I pray that you make the right decision for you and the people that matter to you.
Good luck & if willing let me know how things turn out for you.
Please find a property lawyer or legal aid who can give you a consultation for advice on the house you and your brother jointly own and for what to do when your mom passes on what to do with that house.
What are your options? Do you want to keep the house(s) or figure out a way for your brother to own the whole thing and never bother you?
Off the top of my head, you could offer your half for sale to your brother. He could be the sole owner. If that doesn't work offer your half for a low price. Or if you're that desperate to be rid of it--him actually--you could quitclaim it. Tell Twisted Brother never to call you again.
If you're able to meet with a lawyer, and after your mom passes, I hope you'd be armed with possibilities on what to do with your mom's house to make it as easy as possible for you and help prevent any financial entanglements.
Good luck.
Mom and I moved into Moms little trailer for financial reasons as well as the 2 sets of stairs to climb in my senior town house apt... I had been giving her her showers in the kitchen there, because it was too hard to get her up the stairs.... we weren't even using the upstairs half of the unit - for a year and a half it was like that ...We tried to get moved to a one level apt ...long story.... One did open up, but it was taken over by the apt manager, and there was nothing I could do. So we decided to just move to Mom's property. ....So, when we told sister and brother we were going to move into Mom's place ....they were both against it. My sister wanted to know if I would be selling the place after Mom passed and then giving her her third of the sale. I said no. I told her I would have to live in it and that it would have to be my home after Mom passed. Then she wanted to know if I would be leaving it to her and my brother when I pass away and I said no. Mainly, since I was a home health professional, and since Mom couldn't afford assisted living ... And since I just became her private nurse 24/7. For me caring for Mom as I had for wealthy people through the years - who could afford me has been a real blessing to my life. I know my worth as a nurse and that if I were being paid- I would certainly have made enough to buy Mom's little trailer ....But, Mom's little trailer is someplace I can actually afford to live... on my small SSDI income, even if she passes- I can make it.
I am disabled and had to take early retirement. I had been retired and out of the work force for two years prior to when Mom fell.
But really it has made me feel good and productive to be able to give my Mom the care she needs. I am just sorry that my siblings don't understand what it takes for me to do it. They don't understand I left a nice condo in a great neighborhood, unlike where we are now.... they don't get that.
They don't get that it is a lot of work.... the little trailer is a drop in the bucket.
I also sold my car and used all my savings to make the trailer livable. Mom had forgotten that she had the propane taken out just before she got injured. ...it had leaked and was dangerous. So when we got here it was thirty degrees and all she had was a space heater in the place. The toilet had to be replaced and the plumbing in the kitchen and the roof was leaking too....all this added up to about $6000.00 . They just think I am supposed to work 24/7 and spend everything I have, so that they can sell the place out from under me .... and leave me out here homeless I guess. But neither one of them wants to get their hands dirty. I am disgusted with both of them at this point.
Before when we thought we were getting the one level place ... my brother was wanting to rent out Mom's trailer and actually had been put on it as joint tenant years back- Mom did it only to avoid probate...So when he said he was planning to rent it under the table Mom got so upset we decided to just give him the property and avoid the liability since his friends are from the bars he hangs out at.....but then, when the one level opportunity fell through.... She told him that she wanted to just move back into her place and that she wanted me to take care of her, and that when she passed she wanted me to have her home ... he said he understood. But now they both hate me.
I have been abandoned by both siblings completely. I had hoped they would pitch in and help me get a break...or help me to afford to hire a qualified person for a weekend?
abandoned