Last night, I had a REALLY painful revelation. My Dad is a LOT sicker than I thought he was. I knew Dad had trouble breathing and that he got certain things crossed up, but this move to the new facility has revealed SOOO much about his needs... needs that I must have ignored.
After hospice relayed that Dad wasn't bathing (and me marking the soap bottle to see that it hadn't moved in a week), I knew I would have to endure World War III and get Dad in the shower. After an hour of back and forth, I finally convinced him to just go in the shower and I would wait outside until he was done.
That's when I heard the wheezing and walked in to find Dad slumped over and gasping for air. He screamed at me to "Get Out" because he didn't want me to see him naked, but my heart broke. I had to catch him as he started sliding to the floor. Despite his protests, I helped him stand and took him to the shower myself and bathed him. Thankfully, Dad's sight is bad because he surely would have seen the tears coursing down my cheeks. Every few moments I could feel him shaking from being completely worn out. I tried to encourage him to sit on the bench, but he refused.
I kept thinking, "OMG! How long have I been letting Dad do this alone?" He seriously could have slipped and hurt himself long before now. Have I been ignoring him that much or have I just been in denial... and he's SOOOOOO thin! SOOOO frail!
We fought the whole time...
Me: Dad, do you want to sit down and put on your pants
Dad: I don't need to sit down (as he gasps for air while trying to balance on one foot to put on his pants)
It was truly humbling... and scary. I've REALLY got some decisions to make.
BUT.... I can always count on Dad to say something totally hilarious in spite of our differences.
Dad: STOP LOOKING AT MY JOHNSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...That dried up the tears.
I totally lost my modesty a couple of years ago and it does not bother me when a male CNA lifts my sweater to put leads of for an EKG or raises my gown to prep the groin for a procedure.
The VA provides free health care and what else? You aren’t using Aide & Attendance. What if he were hospitalized and needed skilled care afterwards? He’ll have to go to a VA nursing home only? This limits many options.
This is so hard I know. But it’s costing YOU money. He is indigent except for the VA? When he gets ill do you take him to a VA hospital or a civilian hospital?
I feel bad for you that you have to do all of this on your own & your sibs aren’t helping.
He may actually like the VA as he’ll be with other vets his age. A place doesn’t have to look like a palace to provide good care.
When I gave Mother a shower a couple of times a week,I would put on my swim suit and Mother would wear her pink panties and bra and we'd both go in together and I'd have her sit on the built in shower seat.When it came time to wash"down there",I would step out after giving Mom the soap and a washcloth and when she was done,I'd go back in and we'd get out together. I understood Mother's modesty because I am modest too and I would have wanted to be covered in some way too.
Take good care, Lu
I'm weighing options now, but in the meantime, he seems to be getting more comfortable with me helping him. It was much less of a fight today. I'm thinking once to twice a week should be enough bathing. It's not like he's doing strenuous work and getting sweaty.
I wish he would change clothes more often...only on bath day. One battle at a time.
ALF does not have the staff nor the time, unfortunately, to coerce your dad to get in the shower or go to the dining room to eat. Now you see the effort it takes for him to get to meals. He may fare better in a SNF.
To help your Dad, get him a sturdy bath chair so that he can sit down while showering.
I remember when my Dad was too shy to have his caregiver in the bathroom with him. But Dad was a fall risk. The caregiver finally put her hands on her hips and said "Mr. Bob, I raised a houseful of boys, there isn't anything I haven't seen". That got Dad laughing, and since then bath time was easy.
So either your Dad showers or you will spray him down with Lysol :)