Believing caregivers, how do I reconcile that scripture says to put others before me whereas the secular world says put me first?

Smeshque, I've often wondered how I will react when my Hubs parents pass. I've never cared for them and to be honest my husband doesn't seem to either. Mind you, I think it's all a front in his case. He tends to display anger when he is really upset. It took me years to figure this out about him. His family are weird and I think his upbringing has really messed my husband up big time. I am left picking up the pieces after he has spent any time around them.

I think you need to just be the loving supportive wife you already are. Be supportive and kind and hold on to your Christian values. They will sustain you and God will help you know what to say and do.

I know in my own case I feel guilty for how I feel about my in-laws but at the same time I can't be around them. I feel my tension boiling up and I get blinding headaches when in their company. I still pray for them but that's about as far as I get with that. It's definitely a work in progress.

My condolences to you and your husband Smeshque.

Hugs, Smeshque. I'm sorry to hear of the loss of DH's mom. I know well the mixed feelings involved when one has had a distant or difficult relationship with a parent. My relationship with mom was both at different times.

Toward the end, I had had to learn to detach for my own sanity as she deteriorated more and more mentally. In some ways, her passing peacefully in her sleep, while a shock because she was relatively young and the fact that it was sudden, seemed merciful in that she didn't have to suffer a painful death, and I know she is at peace with the Lord now, and that her years of mental and physical suffering are over. Not to mention, and I know it sounds selfish, but I've had some feelings of relief as well, knowing that the long road of doctors, med changes, hospitals, psych facilities, etc is over, and not having to feel powerless watching her suffer anymore, which also was a great stress on me.

In some ways, I had grieved for a long time even before becoming her caregiver not having a "normal" mother-daughter relationship. I always felt more like the mom to my mom, and she leaned on me for emotional support since I was a kid. I didn't really know what it was like to have a mom I could call for advice, for support, help with the kids, etc. So in that sense, I probably seem to others much like your DH, in going about my life since she passed. Probably for your DH as well, his grief process has taken place maybe even years ago in mourning the relationship with his mom that he never had, so that when she passed, he's pretty much already dealt with a lot of those feelings. I'm just guessing, but I know that's how it's been for me.

Sorry if it seems like I'm rambling. I hope it makes sense. Your DH is blessed to have such a caring wife.

I recall Jesus saying(sermon on the mount) if you have two coats give one to someone else. I don't recall him saying give one to someone who already has three coats. I don't recall him saying if you have one coat give it to someone else. Can I sit on my butt doing nothing and expect that guy over there with a job to hand me things? If we were able to ask Jesus this directly, I believe he would say no. I believe there needs to be a balance between giving to others (giving service to loved one) and taking care of ourselves. From a practical standpoint, we must take care of ourselves so that we have the capacity to take care of others. I notice that Jesus would go off by himself for peroids of time. Why did he do this? Even he needed time to take care of himself.
When I go shopping, I always put the cart back in the proper place. I do it to be considerate of others using the car park and considerate of the employees retrieving the carts. What I don't do is go around the car park and collect up all the carts the selfish people left out. There has to be a line. Each day, and each action, you need to find that line. In my experience, if a person asks themselves if they are doing the right thing, they are doing the right thing.
You mentioned the secular world view. The worst of that view is not putting yourself first but thinking you and only you are what matters. In this view, a person never asks themselves what is the right thing to do. They do the easiest and most advantageous thing in that moment. May God bless you with peace of mind .

Dear Smeshque,

I will definitely add your husband, you and also his mom to my prayers tonight (just saw your post). As far as how to help him and comfort him, I would say the best way to know what to do or not to do is to follow his lead. If he goes about his days as normal then do that too, just subtly reminding him that your love for him is there to support him unconditionally and very specially that he is not alone. When one losses both parents there must be a feeling of deep emptiness and sort of lack of connection, as if one has lost all roots, our pillars, no matter how close or not we are to each of our parents.
Many times I have read here that when people have lost both parents they feel like orphans, like an orphan child, no matter how old they are. It must also remind us about our own fragility and mortality. So I believe those are probably two of the predominant feelings and thoughts your dear husband is keeping right now. Just love him, remind him that you are his family (because of course you are!) a family to which he belongs. You know the degree of affection that keeps his heart warm and how to express it; when we are more fragile we need to feel we are loved more than ever, without making it seem something out of the norm, even though the circumstances are out of the norm.

Of course your husband has a close relationship with God, as you do too, and as we know well there is no better consolation than Him, because no human being will know exactly where and how our life needs His light specially in such difficult moments for him as a son that likely has mixed feelings and for you as his wife that wants to find the right words, the timely silence and the way to convey your love for him.
May the Lord guide you and cover your husband with His immense love that is always comforting, always enough and always there!

God bless you both Smeshque!

All you Dear Lovely people,
Rosses, Frazzled, Gershun,LLama, DesertGirl
You all have made me cry. Good cry.
Thank you so much for rallying around me, if I can use that term. Thank you for the support, encouragement, prayer,advice, and the sharing of your own personal story.
I am very blessed this day that you all are in this world. You have encouraged and comforted me, and I cannot tell you how much that means to me at this moment amidst our trials.
I love you all dearly.
I hope one day to repay you, when you need it the most, as you have just been so kind.
Thank you may God bless you and you are in my prayers.

Dearest Smeshque: Aww...you're so welcome. I hope that you and DH can sleep tonight as it may be difficult. Praying for you in these days. ❤❤

You are a dear, lovely person Smeshque. I sometimes think you don't realize this.

Realize it, you are and you will do fine by your husband.

((((Hugs))))

WOW I have been following this thread a long time, months I would say. Just reading and loving all the encouragement and comments. Im a Christian too and everything I read here is so comforting.
I had both my elderly parents move in with me 17 months ago. Mom 88, Dad 94. I didnt want them to go to any nursing homes if I could help it. We are in Florida and the care in nursing homes is shabby. I am a nurse and at their request and need, I quit work to take care of my mother mainly. Im 65. My Mom had a huge list of problems and medications and was in a wheelchair. I loved her dearly., and we were very blessed to have had a great relationship our whole lives. My parents were wonderful parents and the more I read here about broken relationships the more I realize how blessed and lucky I am. I also have a wonderful supportive husband. I thank God for him every day.

Mom had several bad episodes but always pulled through. I had VITAS services helping me. She died on Jan. 24th in a very unexpected way. A mild respiratory illness that just turned severe in a matter of 3 hours and she was gone. It shocked me and my father. I am struggling every day with the sadness. I know she is in Heaven with Jesus and no longer ill. She is with her sisters and a brother who passed before her. We had closure. A few hours before she died we both told each other we loved each other. It just HURTS that she is gone. She was mentally vibrant and did puzzles and sewing projects in her final years. I am going for the first time tomorrow to a bereavement support group. Im sure that will help me. I also started somw exercise classes and I go to a Bible study that I love.
My Dad is physically amazing for 94. Fixes his own breakfast and lunch and does his own hygiene care. He however due to his age, is mentally a mess. Extremely stubborn and hard to converse with as everything becomes an argument. PICKY, picky, picky about everything. Cant hear but refuses a hearing aid. A veteran and refuses to access his benefits. I could go on but I wont. I know this is common in the elderly. Extreme OCD. I basically do all I can to keep him comfortable and loved but I avoid conversation. He brought me up in the Methodist church and he even taught sunday school but now he sayes religion serves no purpose for him! That is very hard to hear. I keep telling myself its not my true Dad. His mind is ill. He also has an unwarrented hatred for my one sibling, my brother. Curses him and refuses to see him any more. Again the "ill mind" but hurtful to all of us. We are a small family divided because of Dad. He actually insisted on taking my brother out of his will as soon as Mom died( she refused to do this). This was JUST UNBELIEVEABLE to me. I tried to reason with him for days without success. I know what I will do after he dies. I will give half of the money to my brother as it should be. Dad made me promise not to "stab him in the back" as he put it, and give any money to my brother.
I have discussed all this with my pastor and that has helped me tremendously.
Where would we be without our faith? NO where and suffering tremendously.
I tell the Lord how much I love him and praise him every day. I give him my troubles and experience healing and love in return.
Pray for me as I pray for all of you. God is merciful and a healer for all who trust him.

Bosscat, welcome. A lot of what you said resonated with me. My mom was a devout Christian all her life. She taught Sunday school, went to church on Sunday's for the am. and pm. services, went to Bible study on Wednesday evenings. All this while holding down a full time job and being a single parent to seven kids.

It wasn't till her mid to late eighties that she slowly started losing her faculties due to dementia. But when she was no longer able to drive, she stopped attending Church which besides seeing me was her only social outlet. Everything sort of went downhill after that. Once she was transitioned to the nursing home she never seemed to even pick up her Bible. It alarmed and saddened me. I would try to talk to her about God and she never seemed to pick up the conversation. I think she was just very sad and lost. I don't think she lost her faith. I just think she felt abandoned by her other children. I tried to pick up the slack but it was hard. The last time I physically talked to her was when they had their annual caregivers meeting at the nursing home to discuss mom's progress there. Afterwards I stopped in to see her and grabbed her Bible from her nightstand and handed her it and the Daily Bread devotional that I had brought with me to give her. I said, read this, you hear! I wasn't sure if she would but I hoped. One of the very last times I spoke to her on the phone she said to me "incidentally, was it you who brought the Daily Bread" I said yes and she said "thank-you so much" It was a week later that she was found unconscious in her room and transferred to the hospital where she died. I truly feel that something in that devotional book spoke to her and she was able to come to peace with things and just let go and die.

In fact I know that was the case and I am so thankful that a small gesture from me was helpful to her and put her mind at rest. I have no doubt that she is with God now.

So Bosscat, don't despair. I'm sure your Dad still loves God and will make his peace with things when his time comes.

Bosscat: I am so sorry for the loss of your dear mother. Many condolences I send to you on this day. That sudden death is so hard. My own father died abruptly at the young age of 50 from cardiac arrest on Good Friday, 1967. So I do know what sudden death is. Hugs.

Bosscat- welcome, there is a lot of love, understanding and support here. This place has been a true blessing for me. I was feeling so desperate and seeking help when I first came here over a year ago. These people have taught me a lot, and have offered such care and support and great advice. I hope you make this a go to place to vent, get a hug, feel some love, share a laugh or just know you are not alone. May God bless you and help you in this journey. Please stick around.


Tomorrow we will go to funeral home and plan DH Mom's funeral. A graveside service is what has been decided. DH and I will share the bill with SIL, The other 3 siblings are not in any situation to be able to help with this unexpected expense.
The original plan was to bury here in the family cemetary. But all the children(5) decided to put her in cemetary where SIL husbands Dad and Mom will go. Which is a relief, because it would have been more stressful for the children to put her here.
They are all holding up well, BIL lost it today as we went by so DH could see how he was. He took it the hardest since he was the oldest and knew her more than the others. But they are all supporting one another and everyone is truly fine. DH is truly fine. But that could change at the service, so I am being prepared just in case. But they had to have her brought here from 5 states over, so it will be sometime this week, just do not know when.

We had very good services today. Quite edifying and refreshing.

And Gershun thank you for your kind words about me. It truly means a lot especially coming from you.

You're so welcome, Smesh, love you. This is such a loving, supportive place to be! I'm so glad I found you guys! Y'all have been a great comfort to me since I lost my MIL, since so many are going through the same struggles and feelings. I don't feel so alone.

Spent the day with DH siblings doing all funeral arrangements for his Mom. They decided to do a memorial service and a graveside, Part religious and part Traditional Native American. Soooooo expensive. Most of the cost comes from the fact we have to fly her in from out of state. And will have top wait until Wednesday for her to be here if then. We cannot set a date for services until she arrives here. This is causing tremendous emotions as everyone wants to well I hate to say these words but get it over is what I heard.
After the graveside everyone will come back here and we will feed them. Have a lot of cooking to do, which makes it difficult not knowing when. But the day went well as there was much laughter in the sharing of stories about her. And choosing pictures for a video. That was the first time DH and siblings have been together all at once, it was pretty neat in that fact.
I am so tired, and The rest of the week will be A LOT!
But the Lord is my strength. He will get us through it.

Hope you all have had a manageable day!!

Hi,
You know, whether we are riding high on the mountain top or struggling through a dark valley ,we can always focus on the Lord ,lift up our hands and give Him praise..all the time.Even if our spouses are thinking that maybe we are going a little overboard.But if we are pleasing the Lord..it doesn't really matter what they or anybody else may think. It's really difficult at times especially if we struggle with depression etc. or we can't feel a thing. But God see's our sacrifice.He sees that we are attempting to love Him more than anybody or any thing else.He inhabits the praises of His people.Even when we are alone and not at church.With love & care...YAH (yongatheart)


So I will bless You as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name.
(Psalm 63:4)

Therefore I want the men in every place to pray, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and dissension. ( 1 Timothy 2:8)

Hear the voice of my supplications when I cry to You for help, When I lift up my hands toward Your holy sanctuary.
(Psalm 28:2)



We lift up our heart and hands Toward God in heaven;

(Lamentations 3:41)

By him therefore let us offer the sacrifice of praise to God continually, that is, the fruit of our lips giving thanks to his name.
(Hebrews 13:15)

We are almost Home, beloved.And I can't wait! Can you imagine? God bless you !

I hope everyone is well.
It has been an agonizing week, and will not be over until next week.
It has been a chore trying to get DH Mom flown in from the west coast to here, Getting a medical examiner to sign off has been like pulling teeth. Only today has a Doctor signed the death certificate needed in this process. And now there is more wait for the medical examiner to do his job.
So she is still not here. And was supposed to be here yesterday. The family that came in from out of state most of them have to be back home by Sunday evening for their jobs Monday. So the family has decided to go ahead and have the memorial service at the church tomorow evening, whether she is here or not. And then Saturday everyone will come here to eat before heading on their way.
And then Monday, because Saturday will be raining, Monday we will have a graveside just us kids. Well her children and their spouses. That is who is all living here. So it has been a process and it is weighing on everyone emotion wise because it just seems to be dragging out. But, we will all get through it and then maybe I can sleep.
Thanks for " listening."

We had the memorial service this evening. We ate before as is tradition and then had the service. It turned out to be lovely. We had all gotten together and prpared pictures for a video, and DH chose the song to go with video. Then family members got up and dais tributes or stories of her, even DH got up and spoke about her. Even the children that really didn't know her were able to turn it into something good, that wa what was so beautiful. Watching forgiiveness happen right in front of your eyes. Some of the family sand, they are Rosebud Sioux. And they sang several times in Sioux. Oh that is when I lost it. Anytime I hear singing in any Indian language it makes me cry. Guess it is the Indian in me. It was beautiful. Then the preacher spoke a few words from the gospel of John and then they did a memorial drum song in native tongue, tear jerking. There was a lot of laughter, a lot of weeping and a lot of love shared. Then DH thanked everyone and closed. We talked with many family members we never met, and they were super nice people. I already love them. We will all get together tomorrow to eat one last time together and then the out of towners will head home. We are still waiting fer her body to get here. So when she does then the cemetery will prepare her site. And all of us children will have a graveside. Simple. And then the day after, I am going to sleep in until I am done, Lord willing. I am off to rest now, have a headache.

Jesus is Lord!

Ah, Smesh, it sounds so beautiful! The family were all there, many contributed, there were happy memories and a time of sharing, lovely tributes and sharing - and even tribal songs with drums! Sounds like something she would have loved! You described it so well, it makes me wish I could have been a little grasshopper in the grass to have watched it all. Now get some rest, dear Smesh, you have certainly earned it! Many (((((HUGS to you and DH))))), and peace to you both.

Thank you so much DesertGirl

We fed the family today. We took the food to my SIL as it was raining and so windy. Since we live far out in the country and everyone was in the city, we took it them, There were so many people there in her tiny house I felt so bad because we have the room for big crowds. But, the food was gone in like 3 minutes. And what was so special about it, was they all made Mom feel so welcomed and loved. She just had the greatest day. And after we left, it is all she talked about. We then took a drive to one of our favorite cities, as it was raining and we would have been cooped up on the house. We went had a nice dinner and drove home. Mom really had a good day. DH is relieved that most of this is completed. We are still waiting on his Mom to get here and then we will conclude it all with the graveside service. It has carried on way too long for everyone and healing cannot begin until it is finished. So everyone is weary.
But God is great and HE brought this family that rarely sees one another together.

Bless u smeshque and your family. It is a shame that it takes the passing of a loved one to bring a family together but it happens in all families who live a distance away and have jobs and families to attend to. It happened at my mother's service in January. It's great to see old friends and family and distracts from the sadness.
"Hosanna, Hosanna Hosanna!"
As I learned in church today means "God help us", "God save us" Help US as a "community". Its always used on palm sunday, from the Bible story of Jesus returning to Bethany, but we can pray it any time we needs God's help.
Our community on this web site is always in need of God's help.
"Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna I pray for all of you and thank you for all the support I recieve from reading your words"

Thank you Bosscat
Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna!
Amen to that.

Today we had two good sermons. I have had a rough day, but the Lord has brought me through. I am sure I failed HIM multiple times today. I am just feeling so emotionally overwhelmed from all that has been going on for the last month actually. Mom is a wonderful lady, and I so hate when I am having a weak moment and cannot smile for her. I never want to take her joy. I always try and escape, to go have a good cry or just refresh myself for just a few minutes. But I have not had that opportunity the past few days, so it has been such a struggle to maintain cheerfulness. Unfortunately, I have never been a cheerful person naturally, I have always had to work at it. But I truly do my best. So I hope the Lord forgives me when I am weak and I pray HE strengthens me and makes me a better person.
So, we finally got news today that DH Mom will be arriving tonight. So, tomorrow afternoon we will do the graveside service. Finally, closing this chapter, so healing can begin and life can resume. SIL and DH are so ready for this to be finished. It has been hard on the family waiting so long. I told Mom, Lord willing Tuesday we can get back to normal routine. Out of town family members have gone, most but a few have stayed for the graveside. Everyone will return back to work, and life will get back to our normal.
And Tuesday morning, I am hoping to sleep in until I am done. Mom agreed she wanted to as well and DH is always ok with extra sleep when he can get it, so we will see.

Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except theLORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain
Psalms 127:1

Had the graveside servhice today. It was hard. Now the grief really begins. Even DH is beginning to feel it. :(
So it is gonna be a rough ride for a while. I cannot think of a harder thing in life than when we lose a parent. I am blessed to still have one. But DH and so many of you probably feel like orphans . My heart goes out to you who do.
All that has been flashing through my mind is losing My Mom. Oh! I dread the day. But I trust in God and HE will be my strength. But, Oh how I dread it. She has been a Mom to DH as well.
DH is confused of why he feels any sadness when he didn't really know his Mom. I told him, it is normal those feelings. And he is going to grieve but he will get through it. I told him I know you don't like to be normal, but it is ok sometimes to be. Made him chuckle. My heart hurts for him and his siblings. But unfortunately we cannot take someones grief. It is necessary for healing.
But we are all glad that this part is finally completed. I thought it was lovely, DH has 2 half brothers and a step sister from his step Mom. They did not know his Mom and they are not related to her. But they came for the memorial and graveside to support their brothers and sisters. I thought that was lovely. Even his step Mom came to the memorial. Even though I know that had to be awkward for her. They just really stepped up with love. It was so sweet.
DH older brother is heart broken, he knew their Mom best. He did not go to memorial service, but he went to the viewing today and then the graveside, but he could not keep back any tears. When the graveside started he walked up to the casket, put his hand on it and took off walking. He is disabled from a car wreck, so he walks with a cane and limp. He somehow disappeared out of the cemetery. All the gates in the direction he went, were locked and there was a big stone wall around it. After the graveside DH and I drove around the whole cemetery looking for him, he must have gotten over the wall? But he went home. He is one we are concerned about.
I have been up since before sunrise and I am so tired. Haven't been resting due to all the stress this has been. I am hopeful tonight will be some rest involved.


“The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.” 
Psalms 37:23

Ah, dear Smesh! Even in all the busy-ness and sadness of this event, you take time to share with your friends here. This shows you have such a caring and thoughtful heart and is why we all love you so.

I wish I could tell you not to feel you are failing our God and Father by not being constantly cheerful, I do not believe He requires that. Even Jesus wept at Lazarus's tomb, and He knew He was going to wake His friend in a matter of minutes! Death is sad and a time of sorrow. He is the one who gave us tears as well as laughter. As the Wisest Man said, to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose. It is a time to grieve. Later, soon, as you said, the healing will begin. Do not beat yourself up for experiencing normal emotions and fatigue. You are as human as anybody!

You say DH is surprised that he feels sad for the mother he never really knew. Perhaps it is sorrow that now there is no hope of ever really knowing her. That book is closed forever. I felt that way when my mother died. All hope of reconciliation was lost forever.

You have had an unusually difficult and prolonged experience in making the final arrangements for DH's Mom. Now you can rest. Take care of yourself. My heart goes out especially to DH's brother. And the peace of God be upon you all.

I personally think it's very important to cry. As desertgrl said God gave us the ability to cry for a reason. I haven't been able to cry as much since my Mom died and when I do I feel all the tension leave my body.

My brother is in the hospital now and I think it's very important I find closure with him. I pray he doesn't die before that happens.

(((((Hugs))))) to you, Gurshun. I am praying for your brother. Angels attend thee and him both. Our God is full of love and mercy.

Thank-you Desertgrl.

Thank you desertgirl for your loving support of all of us here. Thank you for some insight on what DH could be feeling.

Gershun- my prayers are with you.

And, thank-you Smeshque!

Smeshque: I am sorry to learn about DH's mom. Prayers sent to you all.💜💜

Thank you Llama, so much.

Well, things are getting back to normal. DH seems fine, but I am on guard, just in case. But we are getting back to our routine, which is good for Mom.
We have been trying to at least. Almost there.
DH and I are now fighting some head colds and praying Mom does not get sick. We were around a lot of sick people these past few weeks so what can we do? I am full of vitamin C and garlic and have my Mentholatum, so I am going to be fine. DH just wings it. But our headaches have eased at least and yesterday I had a slight sore throat, gone today. Just lots of sneezing and itchy throat. I am wondering if it could be the lemon trees. We have 3 lemon trees inside in pots and they have flowered and are producing lemons yay, but I am wondering if it could be allergies instead of colds. Hmm. I don't know.
I hope all my fellow aging carers are doing well. I keep you all in my prayers, and I am so blessed to have found ya'll.

Thy throne, O God, is for ever and ever: the sceptre of thy kingdom is a right sceptre.
Psalms 45:6