Believing caregivers, how do I reconcile that scripture says to put others before me whereas the secular world says put me first?

And Gershun thank you for your kind words about me. It truly means a lot especially coming from you.

Bosscat- welcome, there is a lot of love, understanding and support here. This place has been a true blessing for me. I was feeling so desperate and seeking help when I first came here over a year ago. These people have taught me a lot, and have offered such care and support and great advice. I hope you make this a go to place to vent, get a hug, feel some love, share a laugh or just know you are not alone. May God bless you and help you in this journey. Please stick around.


Tomorrow we will go to funeral home and plan DH Mom's funeral. A graveside service is what has been decided. DH and I will share the bill with SIL, The other 3 siblings are not in any situation to be able to help with this unexpected expense.
The original plan was to bury here in the family cemetary. But all the children(5) decided to put her in cemetary where SIL husbands Dad and Mom will go. Which is a relief, because it would have been more stressful for the children to put her here.
They are all holding up well, BIL lost it today as we went by so DH could see how he was. He took it the hardest since he was the oldest and knew her more than the others. But they are all supporting one another and everyone is truly fine. DH is truly fine. But that could change at the service, so I am being prepared just in case. But they had to have her brought here from 5 states over, so it will be sometime this week, just do not know when.

We had very good services today. Quite edifying and refreshing.

Bosscat: I am so sorry for the loss of your dear mother. Many condolences I send to you on this day. That sudden death is so hard. My own father died abruptly at the young age of 50 from cardiac arrest on Good Friday, 1967. So I do know what sudden death is. Hugs.

Bosscat, welcome. A lot of what you said resonated with me. My mom was a devout Christian all her life. She taught Sunday school, went to church on Sunday's for the am. and pm. services, went to Bible study on Wednesday evenings. All this while holding down a full time job and being a single parent to seven kids.

It wasn't till her mid to late eighties that she slowly started losing her faculties due to dementia. But when she was no longer able to drive, she stopped attending Church which besides seeing me was her only social outlet. Everything sort of went downhill after that. Once she was transitioned to the nursing home she never seemed to even pick up her Bible. It alarmed and saddened me. I would try to talk to her about God and she never seemed to pick up the conversation. I think she was just very sad and lost. I don't think she lost her faith. I just think she felt abandoned by her other children. I tried to pick up the slack but it was hard. The last time I physically talked to her was when they had their annual caregivers meeting at the nursing home to discuss mom's progress there. Afterwards I stopped in to see her and grabbed her Bible from her nightstand and handed her it and the Daily Bread devotional that I had brought with me to give her. I said, read this, you hear! I wasn't sure if she would but I hoped. One of the very last times I spoke to her on the phone she said to me "incidentally, was it you who brought the Daily Bread" I said yes and she said "thank-you so much" It was a week later that she was found unconscious in her room and transferred to the hospital where she died. I truly feel that something in that devotional book spoke to her and she was able to come to peace with things and just let go and die.

In fact I know that was the case and I am so thankful that a small gesture from me was helpful to her and put her mind at rest. I have no doubt that she is with God now.

So Bosscat, don't despair. I'm sure your Dad still loves God and will make his peace with things when his time comes.

WOW I have been following this thread a long time, months I would say. Just reading and loving all the encouragement and comments. Im a Christian too and everything I read here is so comforting.
I had both my elderly parents move in with me 17 months ago. Mom 88, Dad 94. I didnt want them to go to any nursing homes if I could help it. We are in Florida and the care in nursing homes is shabby. I am a nurse and at their request and need, I quit work to take care of my mother mainly. Im 65. My Mom had a huge list of problems and medications and was in a wheelchair. I loved her dearly., and we were very blessed to have had a great relationship our whole lives. My parents were wonderful parents and the more I read here about broken relationships the more I realize how blessed and lucky I am. I also have a wonderful supportive husband. I thank God for him every day.

Mom had several bad episodes but always pulled through. I had VITAS services helping me. She died on Jan. 24th in a very unexpected way. A mild respiratory illness that just turned severe in a matter of 3 hours and she was gone. It shocked me and my father. I am struggling every day with the sadness. I know she is in Heaven with Jesus and no longer ill. She is with her sisters and a brother who passed before her. We had closure. A few hours before she died we both told each other we loved each other. It just HURTS that she is gone. She was mentally vibrant and did puzzles and sewing projects in her final years. I am going for the first time tomorrow to a bereavement support group. Im sure that will help me. I also started somw exercise classes and I go to a Bible study that I love.
My Dad is physically amazing for 94. Fixes his own breakfast and lunch and does his own hygiene care. He however due to his age, is mentally a mess. Extremely stubborn and hard to converse with as everything becomes an argument. PICKY, picky, picky about everything. Cant hear but refuses a hearing aid. A veteran and refuses to access his benefits. I could go on but I wont. I know this is common in the elderly. Extreme OCD. I basically do all I can to keep him comfortable and loved but I avoid conversation. He brought me up in the Methodist church and he even taught sunday school but now he sayes religion serves no purpose for him! That is very hard to hear. I keep telling myself its not my true Dad. His mind is ill. He also has an unwarrented hatred for my one sibling, my brother. Curses him and refuses to see him any more. Again the "ill mind" but hurtful to all of us. We are a small family divided because of Dad. He actually insisted on taking my brother out of his will as soon as Mom died( she refused to do this). This was JUST UNBELIEVEABLE to me. I tried to reason with him for days without success. I know what I will do after he dies. I will give half of the money to my brother as it should be. Dad made me promise not to "stab him in the back" as he put it, and give any money to my brother.
I have discussed all this with my pastor and that has helped me tremendously.
Where would we be without our faith? NO where and suffering tremendously.
I tell the Lord how much I love him and praise him every day. I give him my troubles and experience healing and love in return.
Pray for me as I pray for all of you. God is merciful and a healer for all who trust him.

You are a dear, lovely person Smeshque. I sometimes think you don't realize this.

Realize it, you are and you will do fine by your husband.

((((Hugs))))

Dearest Smeshque: Aww...you're so welcome. I hope that you and DH can sleep tonight as it may be difficult. Praying for you in these days. ❤❤

All you Dear Lovely people,
Rosses, Frazzled, Gershun,LLama, DesertGirl
You all have made me cry. Good cry.
Thank you so much for rallying around me, if I can use that term. Thank you for the support, encouragement, prayer,advice, and the sharing of your own personal story.
I am very blessed this day that you all are in this world. You have encouraged and comforted me, and I cannot tell you how much that means to me at this moment amidst our trials.
I love you all dearly.
I hope one day to repay you, when you need it the most, as you have just been so kind.
Thank you may God bless you and you are in my prayers.

Dear Smeshque,

I will definitely add your husband, you and also his mom to my prayers tonight (just saw your post). As far as how to help him and comfort him, I would say the best way to know what to do or not to do is to follow his lead. If he goes about his days as normal then do that too, just subtly reminding him that your love for him is there to support him unconditionally and very specially that he is not alone. When one losses both parents there must be a feeling of deep emptiness and sort of lack of connection, as if one has lost all roots, our pillars, no matter how close or not we are to each of our parents.
Many times I have read here that when people have lost both parents they feel like orphans, like an orphan child, no matter how old they are. It must also remind us about our own fragility and mortality. So I believe those are probably two of the predominant feelings and thoughts your dear husband is keeping right now. Just love him, remind him that you are his family (because of course you are!) a family to which he belongs. You know the degree of affection that keeps his heart warm and how to express it; when we are more fragile we need to feel we are loved more than ever, without making it seem something out of the norm, even though the circumstances are out of the norm.

Of course your husband has a close relationship with God, as you do too, and as we know well there is no better consolation than Him, because no human being will know exactly where and how our life needs His light specially in such difficult moments for him as a son that likely has mixed feelings and for you as his wife that wants to find the right words, the timely silence and the way to convey your love for him.
May the Lord guide you and cover your husband with His immense love that is always comforting, always enough and always there!

God bless you both Smeshque!

I recall Jesus saying(sermon on the mount) if you have two coats give one to someone else. I don't recall him saying give one to someone who already has three coats. I don't recall him saying if you have one coat give it to someone else. Can I sit on my butt doing nothing and expect that guy over there with a job to hand me things? If we were able to ask Jesus this directly, I believe he would say no. I believe there needs to be a balance between giving to others (giving service to loved one) and taking care of ourselves. From a practical standpoint, we must take care of ourselves so that we have the capacity to take care of others. I notice that Jesus would go off by himself for peroids of time. Why did he do this? Even he needed time to take care of himself.
When I go shopping, I always put the cart back in the proper place. I do it to be considerate of others using the car park and considerate of the employees retrieving the carts. What I don't do is go around the car park and collect up all the carts the selfish people left out. There has to be a line. Each day, and each action, you need to find that line. In my experience, if a person asks themselves if they are doing the right thing, they are doing the right thing.
You mentioned the secular world view. The worst of that view is not putting yourself first but thinking you and only you are what matters. In this view, a person never asks themselves what is the right thing to do. They do the easiest and most advantageous thing in that moment. May God bless you with peace of mind .

Hugs, Smeshque. I'm sorry to hear of the loss of DH's mom. I know well the mixed feelings involved when one has had a distant or difficult relationship with a parent. My relationship with mom was both at different times.

Toward the end, I had had to learn to detach for my own sanity as she deteriorated more and more mentally. In some ways, her passing peacefully in her sleep, while a shock because she was relatively young and the fact that it was sudden, seemed merciful in that she didn't have to suffer a painful death, and I know she is at peace with the Lord now, and that her years of mental and physical suffering are over. Not to mention, and I know it sounds selfish, but I've had some feelings of relief as well, knowing that the long road of doctors, med changes, hospitals, psych facilities, etc is over, and not having to feel powerless watching her suffer anymore, which also was a great stress on me.

In some ways, I had grieved for a long time even before becoming her caregiver not having a "normal" mother-daughter relationship. I always felt more like the mom to my mom, and she leaned on me for emotional support since I was a kid. I didn't really know what it was like to have a mom I could call for advice, for support, help with the kids, etc. So in that sense, I probably seem to others much like your DH, in going about my life since she passed. Probably for your DH as well, his grief process has taken place maybe even years ago in mourning the relationship with his mom that he never had, so that when she passed, he's pretty much already dealt with a lot of those feelings. I'm just guessing, but I know that's how it's been for me.

Sorry if it seems like I'm rambling. I hope it makes sense. Your DH is blessed to have such a caring wife.

Smeshque, I've often wondered how I will react when my Hubs parents pass. I've never cared for them and to be honest my husband doesn't seem to either. Mind you, I think it's all a front in his case. He tends to display anger when he is really upset. It took me years to figure this out about him. His family are weird and I think his upbringing has really messed my husband up big time. I am left picking up the pieces after he has spent any time around them.

I think you need to just be the loving supportive wife you already are. Be supportive and kind and hold on to your Christian values. They will sustain you and God will help you know what to say and do.

I know in my own case I feel guilty for how I feel about my in-laws but at the same time I can't be around them. I feel my tension boiling up and I get blinding headaches when in their company. I still pray for them but that's about as far as I get with that. It's definitely a work in progress.

My condolences to you and your husband Smeshque.

Wow, what a roller coaster the last few days have been for your clan! The joy of the son's visit for your mom, and then the death of your DH's estranged mom, all at once. Your head must be spinning!

You asked how a person might feel whose mother dies if they had not been close to her. I cannot, of course, speak for your DH, but only for myself. I was never close to my mother growing up, though I wanted to be, and I tried. Oh, how I tried! But there was no pleasing her, it seemed. I was the youngest of 4. Only many years later did I come to understand that alcohol and mental illness probably plagued her. But in my 40's, for the sake of my own children, I had to set boundaries that resulted in her cutting us out of her life. Basically, her alcohol was more important than her family.

She died some 20 years later, steadfastly refusing to make any changes that would effect a reconciliation. So I had lost her long before she died physically. I had already grieved that loss long before her actual death. In a way I had been grieving this lost relationship most of my life.

Why had she rejected me? What had I done wrong, or what was wrong with me? What could I do to fix it? Only as an adult could I realize the fault did not lie with me, and therefor there was nothing I could do to fix it. But even that knowledge could not take away the profound sadness that had permeated my life.

So how did I feel when she died? Just another sadness. A sadness for what should have, could have been, and was not.

How can you help your DH? Just let him know he is loved. Unconditionally. Point him to the Lord, whose love is not faulty, and is eternal. That is what comforts me. I wish you well, dear Smeshque, you and your DH.

Dearest Smeshque: Oh, my, I am so sorry to learn of DH's mom's passing. That is so tragic that his mom was not close to him. I think for you - you can help him by just being YOU and listening. It is a good thing to know his wishes for years down the road. You two are young people - even younger than our daughter and SIL. So you have years left of your sweet life together. I send deepest condolences.
I don't know about being distant from my late parents. But I do know that I felt a large hole when my dad left this earth at age 50. You see, I was a very young 20 year old girl and I didn't get to "know" my dad, really, as I was not yet an adult. So that is one thing I can pass on to you - the lack of "knowing" one's parent as themself being an adult. I also know that my own DH had a very unsettling upbringing and that he doesn't care to talk about his late parents, since they did not show love to him nor his 5 siblings.
Love,
Llamalover47

If you are a caregiver, you are regularly putting others first by definition. While a caregiver, taking time off occasionally to laugh at a comedy film or take a long walk, to put yourself first for merely an hour or two, will make you feel happier - and also help you be a more relaxed and patient caregiver. These breaks are not only necessary, but sustaining. The operative word is “more.” Caregiving is hard, not relaxing, and definitely requires more patience than you ever thought you could possibly muster.

Caregiving’s reward is the knowledge that you are doing the right thing. The biggest prizes are the love that you get, and the love that you get to give.

Your siblings may not thank or appreciate you. They may even grow resentful and distant. Stay the course. Do your best. You are not alone. There are many good people like you.

Thank you Desertgirl- When I first posted that I was in such a struggle with things. But after much study and mercy from God, I have learned a lot since that first post. And this site has been a tremendous help to me. Lots of loving people who are going through similar things, always keeps you knowing that it could be worse.

LLama- thank you for your kind words. I have missed them here. :)


DH's Mom passed away last night. He was awaken this morning with the news delivered by his dear BIL. I am having a difficult time with this, as I want to be there for him and offer comfort and care as needed. However, it is not like when his Dad passed, he lost it, like when my Dad passed, I lost it. He was raised by his Dad and his Great grandma. He has seen his mom maybe 4 times in his 42 years of life. So, I am not sure what he is feeling. He said only, I feel bad for not feeling bad. I feel bad because both my birthparents are now gone. And then this evening after Mom went to bed we sat on the front porch. He talked abouther burial, as we will put her here in the family cemetary. And then he started talking about what he wants when his time comes, and he has never talked about that before. So, I am at a loss. How to be helpful and comforting and all. But he went on with his day as if nothing has happened. So, if anyone might have an understanding of what one feels if they are not close to their parents, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you for allowing me to have you all as a comfort.

Smeshque: I am so glad for your mom that her son and his family visited you all. How kind and thoughtful of him. She must have been elated.

Happy for your Mom, what a wonderful gift!

Just read the OP to this thread for the first time, it's a deep and thoughtful question. I read several of the answers but not all of them, not yet. (But I will!)

Smesh, the Bible does say to "esteem others above ourselves," but we can't take just one Scripture and think we know all of what it means. We need to search the Scriptures, "here a little, there a little, line upon line, precept upon precept," to get a complete picture (Isa. 28:10).

When Jesus sent His disciples out, first the Twelve and later the Seventy, He sent them out two by two. He knew the task was too great for any one of them to do alone. While one was working, the other could rest, watch and pray. I think we could learn from that. Caregiving is an enormous task. Nobody can do it alone, and I don't think even God requires that. If possible, "esteem" the person doing it by providing rest for him/her and being their spiritual, physical and emotional support. If you ARE that person, see to it that you get that.

Second, Jesus said to His weary disciples, "Come ye yourselves apart and rest a while." Mark 6:31. In fact, rest is so important that it was the first gift God gave to mankind at Creation - immediately after making them "in His image, male and female" (Gen 1:27), and declaring His work "very good (v. 31)," He blessed the seventh day and hallowed it (Gen. 2:2) and gave it to humanity as a memorial of His creative power. He later asked us to "remember" it when it had been lost due to slavery (Exod. 20:8-11), and He assures us we will celebrate it in eternity (Isa. 66:23). That's how important rest is to God's children!

So we need partnership, support, and we need rest. We are told to love one another AS we love ourselves - which does not at all say that we are NOT to love and care for ourselves. In fact, if we don't love and care for ourselves, as others have said here, we certainly can't care for our sick and disabled loved ones.

I hope this helps. Bottom line: it is not only OKAY to take care of yourself, according to Scripture, it is good and needful! God bless, strengthen and guide you in your journey. 💖

Much thanks and appreciation for you, Gershun.

Yay!! I'm so happy for you and your Mom! What a great day for her.

I always add the Aging Care group to my prayer list Smeshque but it's good to be reminded to say special prayers for those who are really struggling.

I'll thank God for your mom's special visit today. Good for your brother.

Guess what?
He showed up. But even better than that, to my Mom's surprise he brought his 2 children, son and daughter (they are in their 30's) and the new great grand baby(nieces, daughter), and his new wife.

So she got to see her son, her daughter n law, her grandson, grand daughter, and never seen before great grand daughter.

What a wonderful day for her.
I am so thankful to the Lord for blessing her this day with such joy.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!


Calling all prayer warriors. Please pray for each and every care giver here, there are some that are enduring such hardships, emotionally and physically. And we all need that strength and support, that lies only in the Mighty Counselor.

Brother just called a little while ago, he is on his way, will be here in the morning, prayerfully. Mom is so excited. (sigh)we'll see




“The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.” 
Psalms 103:8

Thank you Gershun. I hope he doesn't disappoint her too.
I feel like you, it would make me cry to disappoint her, too.

You are still a wonderful daughter. What love you have in that heart of yours. It is beautiful.

Smesque, I get how you feel about this. I remember just after we got mom settled into the nursing home, there was one day where I was feeling really rundown and I had already phoned mom the night before to say I was coming by. I was so tempted to cancel but went anyways. My mom was all spruced up. She had actually gotten dressed that day which was unusual as she normally would stay in her nightgown all the time. I nearly bawled when I thought if I had cancelled. I never wanted to see my mom sad. My siblings would forget her b'days and one time I brought it up to her and she said she would only be hurt if I forgot which would never happen.

So Smeshque I hope your brother doesn't disappoint your mom.

You are right Send.
But, It is hard to set him straight when he does not speak to me. I email him to call her on Birthdays and Mothers day and such. But we do not communicate otherwise. His choice.
As much of an irritation as it is for me, he is the only one of her other four children that speaks to her. As rare as that is, but nevertheless he does. When I remind(email) him to call her, he does and I am grateful for that.
He called her today, and told her he is still planning to be here Thursday morning. So I am hopeful. Usually when he is going to be a no show, he doesn't call her as much. So maybe he has had a change of heart we can hope and he will be here. She is so looking forward to it.
So we shall see.

That kind of hurt cuts deep, Smeshque.
When someone says they are going to come by or call, then gives an excuse, or doesn't' t even call to cancel, and this is their routine, it hurts.

Someone in the family should set that brother straight. The many calls, changes in the time of arrival, then not coming at all is what hurts. Better not to call, better not to come at all.

Don't say it if you are not going to do it, imo.

Thank you luckylu.
I know you truly understand.
Some people are just so self centered and inconsiderate, to say the least.
But we will do our best to pick of those pieces should disappointment come.
I am just praying.

I'm so sorry smeshque and I think your'e right when you say it would just be better if he just showed up and didn't call and say he was going to be there and then he doesn't come. That has to be a big letdown for both you and your Mother. You clean up the tears and see the disappointment and it hurts your Mother.
I sure hope he keeps his word and comes this time.

So I had mentioned my brother told my Mom he was going to stop by and see her, on his way through. Well last week he told her he would be here Wednesday and have dinner with her. Today he told her that he was leaving later and that would put him her after midnight, so he might stay over in another town and then stop by Thursday morning. I am so afraid he will do like last time and then say well I will stop by next time, or whatever lame excuse it was. I am so afraid he will disappoint her yet again. But, I am so hoping and praying that he does visit. She has been so excited and then after speaking with him today, her blood pressure was up, and it has not been high in many months now. And she was kind of down. I guess she suspects he may or may not show up as well. Sometimes I wish he would just not tell her anything and just show up if he is going to do it. They have no idea what they put elderly people through with promises that are never kept. It is so mean and well, it is just so mean.

I just hope he doesn't disappoint her again.

Friday was what would have been my oldest brothers 64th birthday. He was the love of my Moms life. He had cerebral palsy, due to mis use of forceps at his birth. My Mom was his care giver for almost 50 years. After the loss of him, she was. is. and will always be so lost without him. Rightly so.
I remember a time when I was little, this man came to our house. He told my Mom, we have a place for him and we will take care of him and so on... She said, " I don't think so, this is my Son, God gave him to me to take care of, and that is what I am going to do."
He said to her well if you need to go on vacation we can house him and take care of him until you return. She laughed, she said, "He goes where we go, if we go camping, travel, to church, he goes, you need to leave.
Another time, I do not know if it was the same man or different cam and my Dad ran him off. My Mom was so mad at these people thinking she should allow them to take her son. I love her dearly.
I wish I could take all her sadness. But, I know it is hers to bear, I can only comfort and love her through these times.
We made it through the day, with much help and comfort from the Lord.


Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

1 Corinthians 1:3-4