Believing caregivers, how do I reconcile that scripture says to put others before me whereas the secular world says put me first?

You must take care of yourself. If you don’t then you won’t have it to take care of anyone else. You can’t do this alone. Get help. I think you have to look at taking some time for yourself as being able to truly put your loved one first. Don’t allow satan or anyone else to make you feel guilty because you need respite.

I kept my my mom at home until she died of Alzheimer’s. For a long time I did it all myself. I got really impatient and eventually took it out on her. Then I would feel terrible. I finally reached out for help. I was lucky enough to have 3 wonderful brothers who chipped in with physical help and financial help. I was able to get help with mom. Once I was able to have someone share the work with me I was able to enjoy spending time with my mom again.

Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.
Proverbs 3:27

Beautifully written Rosses and Amen to all of it. Thank you so much for that.

For a long time I’ve been wanting to post something about a subject that comes up quite often here on aging care and in life in general particularly for some of us caregivers. It is related to the concept of turning the other cheek that you brought up Freddy, as turning the other cheek is often believed to result in turning into a “doormat”.

The key though, is that when we turn the other cheek we have a reason; a deep and full of meaning reason! and an ultimate goal, which is to emulate how Jesus showed us true love looks like when put into action!

Being a doormat refers to lacking character, having a weak personality and not having self respect. Opposite to that, when we turn the other cheek and sincerely forgive, forget and move forward, we place ourselves above resentment, anger and bitterness. We release ourselves from negativity and darkness. 

Far from being weak, we become empowered by recognizing and accepting that we all are human beings and failing is in our nature, it is almost the result of our raw instincts, but FORGIVING comes from the highest place of our intelligence, our understanding of life and our spirituality.

When we forgive we are in fact turning the other cheek, and the more meekness and humbleness we display, the stronger we become spiritually.

Jesus turned the other cheek all throughout His life on earth, until the very moment He took His last breath!
Yet, when we think of Jesus the farthest thought in our mind is that He was weak, as He was the opposite of weakness!

Jesus was is and always will be the greatest leader, the best teacher, the greatest expression of love that humankind has ever experienced!

We know Jesus didn’t turn His cheek by ignoring or by not helping those who needed Him and instead helping someone ‘more deserving’ -and who would qualify as more deserving, since we ALL fail?
Even worse, where would we (all of us) be if Jesus said “No, you are not the Christian I hoped you would be. You are not grateful, and the more I show you my love, the more you turn away from me! No, I won’t help you! I’m going to help someone more deserving instead”.

Can you imagine? We ALL would be lost!

Jesus is the shepherd of the sinners, more than the righteous! He looks for those who turn away from Him, as they need Him the most!

Who are we then, to turn away from someone that needs us, just because they are not grateful or nice to us?

I know very well this journey is not easy. I live it myself every day -every single day-. It is the most difficult thing I’ve done in my life, and perhaps one of the most difficult parts of the journey is that It intrinsically requires to consistently turn the other cheek.

But when I look at my loved one, so diminished, so tired, so fed up..so mad! I know behind all of that is a frail person who needs me in every sense, and who counts on me.
When I look at my loved one I know I’m looking at the opportunity that God himself put in my life to become someone a little closer to what He knows I can be.. Because He knows my potential, even if I downplay myself many, many times, letting anger, tiredness and sadness win the battle...but, with His help, never the war!

We ALL are asked to exercise patience, understanding and humbleness.

Because we CAN
Because we SHOULD
Because God’s heart fills up everytime that we choose RIGHT over wrong, or over easy.

There is really no room for confusion when interpreting what turning the other cheek means, as anything else would meant turning our back to someone who needs us.

Lets pray so we all receive the blessing of being able to recognize that sister or brother that needs us, even if hidden under the appearance of rejection or ungratefulness!

Freddy- I would have to say that I do not have that understanding of turn the other cheek. As Cmag wrote, that is quite a different interpretation.
I can only follow my guide. And it is quite contrary to what you have written. I think as a human we would like to believe that to behave that way is acceptable and that we can right ourselves for the wrongs committed against us. But, as a believer that is truly not the case. Vengeance is not ours, the Lord will repay. God is especially going to avenge His Son and His children, we need not even worry about it. But, I encourage you to read the following verses and truly let Him speak to you truth and light.

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; Matthew 5:44

But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you,
Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.
And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloke forbid not to take thy coat also.
Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again.
And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.
For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them.
And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same.
Luke 6:27-33

Smeshque--Oh, how lovely is that!
Rosses--Thank you. I hope to be healed, but will have to see how it goes. I'm scaling back Christmas this year because for one to go through such a long ordeal has left me drained.

Quite a different interpretation considering the verse as a whole. "But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also." Mtt. 5:39 I think this speaks more to the issue of revenge.

An alternative interpretation of "turn the other cheek"

If cheek is considered to be a metaphor for the way you treat somebody and presumably you are treating them well but get a "slap in the face" not literally but you are offended in some way, such as by having all you have done thrown in your face, then turn the other cheek. Here that would mean treat them differently by for example ignoring and stop helping them.
When you stop helping someone who does not deserve to be helped or who makes no effort to improve, then you can dedicate your time and resources to someone who will benefit.

The heart of a caregiver is a rare element on earth
They define the true meaning and value of God’s worth

The soul of a caregiver is precious and pure
Their spirits are heavenly, of that I am sure

The selfless compassion and love that they share
Provides relief, joy, and comfort just knowing they’re there

Their efforts often unnoticed, full of strength and emotion
Bring peace to the heavens with angelic devotion

Many nights they are restless, their minds filled with unease
Because they devote their lives to tend to others’ needs

There is none more deserving than one with the caregiver ability
They show peace, love, and mercy and give our loved ones dignity

Caregiver, a special place in heaven is waiting for you
There is a special place inside my heart that is reserved for you, too

Thank you for everything, all of it, and more
I pray someone so kind is there for you when you knock on God’s door


by Ryann Huff

I know exactly how you feel but your strength and patience will only come from Gods word you have to faith in what your reading I am also a caretaker I at times feel like this is too much but I know that this too shall pass it will not always be The Lord always reminds me that he is with me through this what I call storm. WHY US? When we get through this and we will God will use us to help someone else

That is good news Llama! By Christmas you’ll be done with the surgery and God willing successfully and quickly recovering. That will be the best gift, the invaluable gift of health! :)

Rosses: Thank you so much! I finally was able to get a date for my surgery just today after getting on my doctors, who oftentimes you have to wait on but I'd been waiting too long. It will be Dec. 12. Yes, I had to get through some appts that will present a bleed since I have to go on Xeralto.

Dear Llama,
Have no doubt I will pray for you, not only so that all goes well prior, during and after surgery, and so you remain calmed and trusting that all things in God’s hands are blessed. It will all be done sooner than you think! With the blood thinners keep an eye on your reaction and keep the doctor updated so he can adjust anything that needs adjustment timely.
God willing soon this will be just a memory and you’ll be feeling better!!

Smesque, same thing with my dad’s departure date on January 19th (2006 was the year). My mom actually gets deeper in her depression on every 19th of each month. I’m glad you’ve things planned to keep your mom and your mind entertained! At the end of the day we owe it to those that love us and went ahead of us to try to keep living life with joy! My dad was always smiling, I feel I owe him smiles too :)

The first couple of weeks are usually rough in November. As we lost my Dad on the 11th. My Mom always starts acting kinda off, and I know that it is difficult for her. I always plan things for that day in particular, so i am taking her to see some friends she hasn't seen in a couple of years. Then we will do a couple of day trips. And I am planning a dinner with some acquaintances. She is looking forward to it all. But, this is so hard watching her go through these days. I miss my Dad terribly, but I as she knows and is comforted by the fact we will see him again. It truly is still a difficult time of year, and I am always glad to get through it. It seems that the day after the date the Lord took him, that she is always better. But, we always get through it thanks to the Lord.

“And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.” 
Matthew 21:22

Smeshque: Different format, I meant.

LL- I have received no messages from you since October 3rd. No others have posted?

Smeshque: Good one!☺☺

Rosses: God bless you in your caregiving. I am not doing well and have been undergoing painful needle sticks in my legs since August as one leg/foot has edema. I will have to have a 4 hr surgery in my illiac vein and have to go on blood thinners. Please pray for me.

Smeshque; You're welcome. Sent you 3 private messages~1 in mid October and 2 today, November 4.

Do you know what vitamin is good for Christians?
B1 ☺️

Thank you so much Smeshque and Llama, I believe in candidly sharing on this forum what happens in our caregiving lives so we can let others see our weaknesses and our failures as well as our every day successes, our source of strength and HOPE!

I have also learned to take what I get to experience each day as my today’s gift and learning, without further expectation. In other words, if today was good I’m thankful and appreciative but I don’t set my expectations so high to believe that every day going forward will be like that. And that is ok because we all know that in this task of caregiving every day can be different, yet our faith should remain strong and make us stronger.

That truly is our goal in life besides our caregiving journey, that our faith always remains strong and grows, as we grow in our spiritual life.

Have a blessed Sunday friends!

LL- I did mean to write patience. Thank you for correcting me on that. I hope that you are doing well and things are improving for you.

Rosses- Thank you so very much for your words. What a great encouragement they were to me, to continue growing. I am praying that you are having a good turning point in your life, and in your life with Mom. I know your strength by many things that you have written, and you are truly a strong woman. Even strong women have weak moments. But what makes you strong is the fact that you recognize it, reject it as ok, and improve it. You are an amazing woman and daughter and you are doing GREAT!
Press On my fellow sister soldier.

Smeshque: I am sorry that your patients are hurting. Are these the patients you are learning how to help in your Nursing School? Sending love your way.

Rosses: What a wonderful discourse! That is beyond goodness that your mother received from the Lord above once she prayed upon it. The power of prayer is so great and one we should all be inspired to do. However, it is a heavy burden (sometimes) when one gets to be up there in age as I am; I actually am old enough to be your mother.

Smeshque, for about two weeks now I’ve had terrible days of struggle because my patience has been severely tested and unfortunately I seem not to have the regular strength to overcome this.

I normally can manage not to argue, not to take it personally and just keep doing and loving above all. But not this time, I’ll admit and will share that I kept being pushed, and pushed some more. It was tiring, it was unfair and I wasn’t strong, so I got mad although didn’t necessarily engage in any arguments, nor said anything, but inside I was boiling, dreaming of leaving at least for a few days, my attitude was becoming cold towards the end of these few weeks.
But I want to share what happened yesterday, my mom -who has been back in her deep depression and absolutely fed up with the life she has to endure with so many things breaking down and hurting, so many limitations-, well I noticed she went inside her room and closed the door for a long while, at that point I was just letting her be because anything I said or suggested was not well taken. Then later in the day I came in cautiously to just offer lunch to her...to my surprise her attitude was absolutely different! I mean night and day different. She was kind and not filled with anger anymore. So, I immediately went back to normal too.

Later in the evening she mentioned that she had been praying the Angelus (the angelus for us Catholics is an special devotion) and that she was glad her knees weren’t hurting because she did it on her knees. I will tell you, the way my mom is, she normally doesn’t look back to check herself and determine if her behavior wasn’t ideal and therefore change her attitude, yet I believe something very powerful happened though that prayer that helped her regain some peace and strength to overcome her absolutely understandable fed-up-with-life state of mind, and change back to being nice. I will tell you, in my mom’s earlier years this didn’t happen. She struggled with the self check that we all should do in life to realign ourselves (we all fail to do it many times too, I know).

So, in the midst of these very trying times, she is getting the blessing of overcoming anger to let the light and calmness of God fill her heart and help her deal with life. I feel she did much better than me this time around, because I was so fed up too that I was and still am kind of struggling with prayer, I guess I was too mad to pray! How silly and ironic that is when prayer is the only thing that can help me, and I know it.

You my friend Smeshque have a very special gift, which is that you don’t even complain. As you said “my human flesh wants so bad to complain and murmur about these struggles”; so you make a conscious Christian effort not to even say anything, you want to hide your cross not to inspire pity from others or to show your merits.

I truly admire you for that because believe me I struggle just to endure the test and not show tiredness or feel discontent, yet you not only endure it, but hide your cross. I am not that strong yet, but try to be. The place where I vent is really here, because my friends back home don’t know the daily challenges, when I talk to them sometimes I want so bad to start telling them the details of my life, but try to stop myself. What would I get out of it other than the “pleasure” of momentary venting? Also, they don’t understand as people here do, because there’s nothing like walking on the same shoes to understand the struggle.

Please feel good and proud as a Christian because you are successful at overcoming the temptation of complaining. That really has big merit! And about lack of patience, oh my friend, we alll struggle with that. We, at the end of the day, are human beings, trying to act godly from our human perspective and with our limitations, which is tremendously difficult yet our daily goal. Forgive yourself and let’s do what I’m struggling to do lately, PRAY!! We know it will heal us!

I like others here have had several days of struggling where my patients hurts so bad.
My human flesh wants so bad to just complain and murmur about these struggles.
I know that these things are temporary, and I know that with the Lord's help I can and will do and be better.
I just want to say I love all of you who labor/labored and will labor in this journey taking care of loved ones, it takes the bravest and strongest to endure and survive this. And my strength and courage comes from the Lord.

I will be content with my manna, I do not wish for the cucumbers or quail.
I know that many have suffered worse than I, with much patience.

James 5:10
Take, my brethren, the prophets, who have spoken in the name of the Lord, for an example of suffering affliction, and of patience.

“...Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.” 
Ecclesiastes 12:13

Send and Ll- what great and wonderful words you have shared. Thank you.


1 Timothy 3:16
And without controversy great is the mystery of godliness: God was manifest in the flesh, justified in the Spirit, seen of angels, preached unto the Gentiles, believed on in the world, received up into glory.

smeshque: Oh, so beautiful!

A CHRISTIAN WOMAN
A faithful Christian woman is a precious jewel to find,
She will stand out above all woman-kind;
You'll never find her in a worldly minded crowd,
And she will always make her husband and children proud.
She will do good and not evil all the days of her life,
And her husband will give his love only to his wife;
Together – she and her husband – will faithfully toil,
For each will hold the other with a love that is royal.
A Christian woman is like an untouched flower,
That radiates it's beauty every hour;
She is alert to the devil and his vices,
And is not tarnished by his cunning devices.
A faithful dedicated woman is content in her place,
And looks forward to a heavenly home to embrace;
She will faithfully follow God's Word and it portray,
Fearful of being rejected by the Lord come judgment day.