Believing caregivers, how do I reconcile that scripture says to put others before me whereas the secular world says put me first?

Night owl, I am catching up but i want to comment on your post about the pastors statement and how it helped you.
As my mother deteriorated and this was way before she got bad. I was seeing how it was and that it would be bad because of how my twisted and I were raised to be pitted against each other. When she and my nephew tried (to no avail) to stop my attempts to simply get meals on wheels for my mother because she was not eating. I didnt want to wash the dirty laundry in public. the church is accross the street from our house. my mother at the time was the president of the block association and the church part of the block worked a lot with my mother. finally in frustration and trust I caught him in the middle of pantry just after prayer for breakfast. every one was listening. I tried to speak in code and tried not to cry as I tried to communicate this secret dillema. Guesss what?! He gave me a number to contact AC. I went on line and found this site and have been helped ever since.

Hi all need to do a lot of catching up. But Oh Man! just the brief scan of words is lovely. I know I am going learn a lot from this forum and I look forward. Going to try and catch up. I have lots to share but a little worn out to relive stuff right now, God bless all.

Smesh, I think what ever moved you to open this forum was divine intervention, (((HUGS))) and thanks! going to catch up.

smeshque: Thank you ever so much. I did. Every day is a good day on God's earth. Aww.. what sweet compliments you sent my way. I try to be an example that God would want and not a person filled with acrimony because after all, isn't it better to be a person who is kind, just like you? I bestow you 100 fold blessings, this I wish for my friend, smeshque. Amen.
Btw, my late mother didn't actually name me Llama, but Nancy Darlene. LOL Your user name is lovely. I detect a hint of French in it; am I right?

Thank you LL I hope you have had a good day. You are very pleasant. Quite a pleasure to exchange comments and banter with you.
May blessings shower down on you.

smeshque: I'm glad that I am a blessing to you as well. Thank you so much! No, unfortunately, I live in an urban area that would not permit owning llamas! Ha Ha! You're a funny person as when you changed the word "lima" (beans) to llama beans aiding a garden! That they would! LOL! It's always a good thing when we can have a little bit of fun on an issue (elder care) that is so challenging and draining on an individual. God bless you.

PS LL do you actually have llamas? They are fascinating creatures and their llama beans are great for garden. :)

LL you are a blessing to me as well. I am so happy you are doing well. Thank you for your kind words, its always good to see your messages. May God bless.

smeshque: Oh, my goodness...THANK YOU SO MUCH! It's people like yourself,  the cheerleaders on this site who truly are Godsends! Yes, I  am well. Thank you again for Godly people like you!

LL you had tremendous strength being a one woman show. I am so happy that God's children showed you love. All glory to God, he sent them to your aid. I hope you are doing well now. Pressing on.

smeshque: Thank you! I was a "one-woman show" there for a while and was so grateful when perfect and Godly strangers reached out to my aid!

part and llama, it is a lovely and wonderful thing when Godly women execute love, mercy and grace on others. I am so happy you all were blessed amidst a difficult time. May God bless!

Let me add a comment that is similar to partsmom's post. When my mother was ill and quite near the end of her life, her Massachusetts church organized a "meal train" for me as I had been living there for 6 months. This wasn't even my church since I moved there from my Maryland home to take care of my late mother! The kindness of Godly women was just beyond anything I expected bestowed to a complete stranger (me).

As I was reading this thread, two things came to mind. One was my mother's last illness; she was in the hospital for several weeks and our church organized relays of friends to stay with her several hours at a stretch 24/7, so that Dad and I could take care of what we needed (I was a senior in high school). The lady who happened to be with her at the end has told me a number of times over the years since that she was glad she could be there. Sometimes we have to allow others to be there for us.
The other thing is the story of the bridesmaids with the lamps--the ones who took the time to fill and trim their lamps were the ones who were able to fulfill what they had been asked to do.

To answer your question of where in the bible it says to love others more than yourself.
First, look world is now. 2 Timothy3:1-5.
The world has become lovers of themselves. Doing what pleases them,Denying God and his commands but self seeking, instant self gratification,narcissist.

Luke 6:27-28,If we are commanded to love our enemies and bless those who curse us, and so on, how much more love should we give to those who we claim to love.

Lets start with Jesus our perfect example to follow.
Jesus who is God humbled himself and took on the form of a servant. Philipians 4:7, he humbled himself to die on the cross for sinners,(us). Loving us more than himself, and the agony he would go through on our behalf. 2 Corinthians 8:9
Going back up to verses 3, you see that it says to esteem others better than yourself.
Philipians 2:3 "...but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themeselves." Esteem means to value or regard.

Romans 15:1-3, "We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves.........For even Christ pleased not himself..........
Romans 12:10,"...in honour preferring one another."
Galatians 5:13, " .....but by love serve one another." Serve means to be a servant
1 Corinthians 13:5, "...seeketh not her own...." Means not to be selfish, Like in Philipians 2:4
Galatians 5:16-17 and 22-26 If we walk in the spirit we dont worry about fulfilling what our flesh wants. We will show the fruit of the spirit in our lives.

Whatever we do for others or to others we do to Jesus. Matthew 25:34-46

It is a difficult task to present our bodies a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable unto God.Romans 12:1-2.
But it is one of my goals in this life. Along with, Love the Lord God with every ounce of my being, To love my neighbor as myself, Tell as many people as I have opportunity about the gospel of Jesus Christ,To arm myself with the word of God, and show forth the fruits of the spirit and love others with a
1 Corinthians 13 love, To absorb as much of Gods word as the Spirit allows.
Psalms 1

DDDuck: While I realize that you're talking about scripture, you also said "I really need to catch up this forum is growin fast I missing out," one trick I use is to start at the end of the thread in lieu of the beginning of the thread. That way, you can see what's been added.

In Pilippians 2:4, it says "Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

Thus, there is a place for looking out for yourself as wall as for others.

What verse or verses actually says to put others before you?

I read a good book on faith and trust. The author mentions praising G-d for both pleasent things and challenging things because the latter one helps us grow.

Duck, scripture is part of enlightenment.
I too get hymns in my heart that Pop up through my day, a great help and solace for me.
I have memorized Ephesians 6:10-18. I am too trying to put on the Armour daily, because this is a spiritual war.
Best wishes in your endeavor to suit up as well, I am proud of you.

I really need to catch up this forum is growin fast I missing out. I love the fact that I am learning scripture and I am moved to read a psalm or verse in the bible. I am always learning and growing and open for wisdom and truth.

lvnsm, I have 121 marked up with stars and underslines, then I went on to read 21 and 27. It was nice to go there.
I looked up how to put on the Armor of God, then I went on to 30 practical ways to put on the armor. It was some good stuff. I mean to print it out before I get off in am.

Want to also add that there are times that I sing some favorite hymns, old and new. sometimes they stay in my head. It was a guy a met in a computer class who became my prayer partner and now he and his wife are two of my closest friends, well he told me about singing praise. Man, it works. When you feeling down, sing praise sing that favorite song. And what is going on right here is another form of armor. We asharing and speaking and learning on the Word, in the Word and about the Word of God. I called prayer line (which is another help for me I think they get tired of me.) for help because Ive been under attack by the same type spirit as my twisterand my mother before her dementia. Sometimes I hear the same words the same looks chessy cat smugness. Being called a lie. My mother was good with those three words you a lie and this person who is over 20 years younger than me said the same trhree words in the same way my mother does and I knew it was spiritual. so the guy on lthe prayer lie says God gave you the power to overcome the forces of the enemy. You mouth is very powerful and you can bind the enemy with God's Armor and power. so I went to google like Edna says go to the instruction book so I googled how to put on Gods Armor and found 30 practical ways to put on jGods Armor and it was very helpful because I am one of the hard headed people. You have to walk me through some things cause I be cluelessd at times. So it helped me.

One of our sermons was on "Am I my brothers keeper?" Not as in keeper like keeper of sheep, but it means so much more than that. And the depths of what that means, Intertwines with owing no man anything but love, bearing one anothers burdens and to love with the love of 1 Corinthians 13. As children of God we are to be keepers.

Interestingly, today our sermon and scripture was on our burdens. In the children message, they were asked what do you do if something is too heavy and one precocious boy said "don’t pick it up"! We all laughed because of course they wanted the children to say ask others and God for help. So our pastor said in her sermon that yes sometimes we need to not pick it up! Then in my Sunday school class a friend brought a book to talk about called Right Here, Right Now by Amy Oden. About being mindful and living in God's presence. I felt both of these were signs to me today from God.

In 2013, I had two close calls, medically, where I could have died and got care just in time. After the second close call where I got to the hospital within hours of dying, I asked myself if there was something special I was supposed to do and that is why I was still alive. 7 months later, I was made power of attorney for two long-time friends of mine who had no children or close relatives. The wife had frontal temporal dementia and the husband had short term memory issues and could not understand that something was happening to his wife. I started to visit AL places with memory care facilities to learn about them, see what they looked like, how much they cost, etc. and determine if one would meet the needs my friends would be having when they could no longer live independently. I told my near-miss stories to one of the ladies giving me a tour. She said it sounded like I had been "saved for something and maybe it was to help Jim and Beth." Then it dawned on me that there was something special I was supposed to be doing. As Beth continued with her downward mental spiral, I was able to get them to move into a memory care apartment I had found for them, one large enough for them to be together. I got such good advice and help along the way. I did pray for guidance to make the best decisions and have the best words to say in helping my friends and the response to that prayer seemed to be the people I was meeting that could provide their care in a trustworthy way.
The man in charge of leasing the memory care apartments wanted to know why I was doing this for people who weren't even relatives and I explained how we met at a faith summer school in the 1970s and how attracted we were as couples from the beginning. We always sat together at any large gatherings where many of the same faith had gathered. When I had to leave my job in rural Minnesota, the only place I could find another one was in the same building where my friend Beth taught and I didn't know that until after I got the job. Because of that, we became closer friends as couples--worshipping together, vacationing together. The leaser was so impressed that we became friends. After my friends Jim and Beth got moved in, the leasing man left his job in order to have more flexible time in caring for his own father. His wife said he should get his realtor's license and he did, and then became my realtor in helping me sell Jim and Beth's town home. Before I ever needed someone like that, this person comes into my life, establishes a friendship and gives me just the help I needed. It definitely felt like God had a plan and everything was covered. All I had to do was listen. It is not quite the same as taking care of a parent with all the emotional ties in that, but Jim and I joke about being "brothers of another color" since he is black and I am white. His roots in America are far deeper than mine as his ancestors were brought here as slaves, while mine came here between 1870 and 1890 from Sweden where times were really tough back then. I like to think that love is the "currency" of God. Giving it to others when they need it is like becoming an "arm of God", doing His will as best we can. My faith teaches us to love others since we all come from God spiritually and to look for the sign of God in others. It may be hard to find in some, but that doesn't mean that sign is not there. We are taught that it is there and to act accordingly. We are told to love others for the sake of God and not for any special qualities they may have. There will always be something in them we can be critical of. So I ask myself: What does that look like? How do I behave if I am following the admonition Jesus gave to us to love one another?
I am learning to pay more attention and I am also doing that with the nature around me, finding beauty in more and more places I never paid attention to before: sun and shadows on the snow, frost patterns on the window, how my spirits lift on a sunny day--and I try to act towards others in a friendly and thoughtful way--"Oh, here is another who has been created by God." If we can help care for someone, it is honoring that creation.
I have received so many blessing in my life as I look back--the parents and grandparents who loved me so, the neighbors and teachers who guided me while growing up, the job opportunities I have had and the people I got to work with, students who touched my heart and whom I have never forgotten, my wife, children and grand children, my neighbors here now and knowing Jim and Beth. So, along with asking for guidance in this role, I have much praise and thanksgiving to give back, more acutely aware now of the help and guidance I have been given.
Helping someone like my friend, Jim, is a small way to pay back that love I have been shown. Yes, it has taken time out of my life to do all of this. But I had the time and I had a life of loving to work. When I finally got the town home sold, if felt like I had retired again. And I keep thinking that there may be more to why I had to learn about this kind of care. Our population is aging and there may be another "assignment" awaiting me. We do take time for ourselves in this, making sure we exercise, socialize, and take our Swedish classes, too. We want good, functional bodies and minds that still work well. Now that Jim's care is in the hands of the staff at the assisted living/memory care place I found for my friends, a big load is off of my shoulders. New things yet to learn revolve around the military benefits Jim is eligible for and how far ahead of the need to use them to start applying for them.
The best of luck to all of you who are on this path of caring. Stay strong in your faith, continue to pray. Perhaps get some others in your church or among your faith friends to help a bit, too, so they can learn and be better prepared to give care and service to others should a need for this happen in their lives. We are just beginning this with some other men in my faith so we can be better able to help as the needs arise.

Sometimes one needs to admit that "I" alone am not the best option in serving this person. That "ME" only taking care of them may not be in their best interests. That "YOU" should not attempt to shoulder the caring alone.  That means letting go of your ego and admitting that others can probably provide ways of caring/helping that you cannot.  God may be trying to tell you this all along.

Are you trained in how to handle people with psychological and unlimited physical needs all by yourself or should you share that responsibility with others which would offer better care for the person in question? That's the real answer in caretaking I believe....not to fall into the trap of thinking you're the only ONE who can provide the care but to search out means to be caring but not the only one on the job 24 hours a day.  That turns it from the who is the most important in the relationship to the better objective which is what is the best for all.  The person who needs the care may not be the best judge of what they actually need if they have mental or aging difficulties.  Go for the WIN?WIN objective for both you and the person in need.

I'm glad this topic was brought up. The questions you pose are ones I too have struggled with. My Mom is now deceased but she was a person who always put others first sometimes to her own detriment. One of my siblings has even voiced since Mom died that she was martyring herself.
While I believe that is an extreme statement, there could be a bit of truth to it also. My Mom was the type of Christian who took to heart everything that was said in the bible and while I believe in God with all my heart and read my bible and pray, I also believe that as individuals in our journey of belief and faith, that God can reveal himself to us in the ways we need in our individual faith and experiences. He has given us the holy spirit to guide us and I have had experiences where it was definitely shown to me not to put certain people first.

As someone else previously said, God does not expect us to be doormats and continue to take abuse and mistreatment. I think in every situation is an opportunity to learn and grow. I don't take sh*t from anybody. I give people chances and more chances but when all the kindness you give someone is taken for granted and not appreciated, then forget it. Ask God to help that person, continue to pray for that person, but get on with your life in the meantime.

My understanding is that in the Bible it says to honor your parents but it also says that for parents not to incur your wrath (been a very long time since I read the Bible). The Bible tells you in many ways to take care of yourself to be of use to others. Recognize your limits, there are many ways to help and take care of someone and it doesn't mean that you must provide hands of care. If it means that you must put your relative in memory care, assisted living or a nursing home, you can still visit and be that person's advocate. You can provide compassion and hold their hand. I don't think that God or Jesus is as cruel as made out to be when they see you doing the best that you could in that situation.

Cdnreader, your loss of compassion did not speed your dads death, we are all allotted a certain number of days and when they are fulfilled they are fulfilled, please do not own that lie from the enemy.

Smeshque, I was hoping you would tell us if your mom was a believer. I asked because if she is maybe you can ask a pastor to put a bible study together for the two of you that would help her to take responsibility for her day to day activities and help you find balance in self care and caring for others.

I am very happy to see so many believers on this site and to be helped by there advise in this discussion, my dad uses my belief to try and manipulate me, if I don't do his bidding I must not be a good Christian. I am so thankful that the Lord showed me many years ago that I was to seek the kingdom of heaven 1st and all things would be added and that I would mess up ALL the time but His Grace is sufficient when I lay it at the cross with a repentant heart. These have allowed me to put my dad in AL without beating myself up for not being what he wants me to be, i kbow i am striving to be what Christ wants me to be and that is enough for now.
I pray that you find peace and balance in your journey.

You can be a Christian individual, but you cannot be pulled at both ends, else you will certainly break. Give your troubles to the LORD and HE will carry your load.

Dear smeshque,

You are such a kind and thoughtful person. And very dutiful caregiver as well. It is not selfish at all to consider one's own needs and wants. It is only then that we can give of ourselves without anger and resentment.

I was always an obedient child. Always a people pleaser. Never had any boundaries. Just give and give and give till you are broken. Repeat. Always told to put other first. Help your mother. Help your grandmother. Help your siblings. Help your brother. I can't tell how angry and resentful I was in the last year of my father's life. I feel this contributed to his passing. I feel like I lost all compassion.

I know its not an easy journey and we all have to do what is right ourselves. I am trying to start 2018 with a better balance. It is a work in progress.

Thinking of you.

I am so blessed and thankful that you all have responded. I pray for all of you in your own struggles. I am inspired to consider all that has been said. I am pondering on my fences, I am studying my bible, and tomorrow I am going to fast and pray about things. I know it is a struggle for me not to think I can save anyone, it is not my job or responsibility to do so, as was said we already have a Saviour, Jesus. I have noticed my struggle is more when I do take my eyes off of God even for a moment think that it is in me to fix anything for anyone. I am considering how to take the oxygen mask first so that I can be revived to help those in need. There is a lot of wisdom in your responses and a lot of loving and lovely people. I guess my issues truly lie within me. I am more of a Martha than a Mary and I need to be more like Mary. It is difficult for me to be still and listen. I am working on it. But when I do, my carnal eyes see things that need doing, and I begin moving about, when I should be waiting on the Lord.
I am so very blessed you all have responded and I hope you continue to do so, it is really giving me motivation and insight in the things I need to change in myself, that would then change my outlook. Truly I am smiling after reading all the messages, and those of you who have personally messaged me, I am ever so grateful, if you all lived close I would love to take you to lunch.
I have trouble with having friendships, as most don't understand your situation and that you cannot come and go as you please. But that is a whole other subject.
I do understand that Jesus went off to refresh with the Father. I do know those things. It has just been a struggle for me to implement what I know and learn everyday. But I am working on it.
Giving God my first fruits in the morning and ever being mindful of Him throughout the day. My greatest joy is loving others above myself, as Jesus did us. But, I am still working on also taking care of myself so that I can do the other well.
I have utmost confidence that it will all work out well, if I put God first and give it all to Him. To seek His guidance and not feel as if I have any control over anything.
Again I am blessed by these messages and your thoughts, please continue.
May God bless.