A better place for my Mom.
I want to convince my mother to move to where I live, which is a security apartment building where the majority of the residents are also elderly. It's mostly contained here, where you mostly don't have to leave the building to do laundry, take out the trash, or send out or receive mail. There are also special pull cords in each apartment, in case someone needs help. There is an elevator for all three floors here, as well. We even have donated shopping carts to facilitate carrying in groceries, etc.
She's lived where she is now for almost thirty years, so understandably it will take a lot of convincing. I've contacted relatives to try to recruit them to convince her in a positive way. I want her to remain independent as long as possible, and where I live is an ideal place for that.
14 Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- I felt as did neurologist that Dad needs MRI and EMG. There was a question of pay since NOT medical emergency. Any advice?
- Has anyone ever used video chat to evaluate senior communities for an out-of-town loved one?
- Mom (86) is getting much needed MRI/Ultrasound. Any suggestions beside Valium & warm layered clothing to get her through this?
- Can anyone recommend a reliable Adult day care program?
Unfortunately, people like your mom are their own worst enemies. She is beyond listening to reason, so you probably only have two options. One is to call APS; they will eventually find that she's too infirm to live alone and take legal action. The other is to wait until she falls. She'll be transported to a hospital and discharge will figure out that she can't be safely sent home. YOU MUST SAY that you cannot care for her in your too small apartment , no matter how much they try to guilt you into it. They will take guardianship and will find her a NH placement.
Depending upon how impaired your mom is right now, you might want to say " mom, the choices are, I decide, or the Government decides, which do you choose ." And go from there.
But I'm inclined to agree with others who caution that you mom may very soon need more supervision & care than your building offers. And more than you can provide, even if she lives "next door". I'm there right now with my father--he moved in with us 6 months ago, continues to decline, and needs to be in assisted living as I cannot meet his developing needs.
One suggestion I can make is to inquire around if there's a senior or memory specialist medical group within a do-able distance to you. Dad & I spent the afternoon in such a place (Florida has 15 of them), getting an initial evaluation of his cognitive and physical abilities. FAR more thorough than the GP office. And because the staff do this sort of evaluation day in and day out, they are amazingly good at seeing through attempts to understate problems. They ran some tests, sent us home w/ orders for more, and we go back in 2 weeks for a follow-up. NP told me on the way out that based on her exam today (he failed balance & stability tests miserably) he needs to be in professional care. I'm hoping that hearing it from a geriatrician with a wall full of degrees will pack a little more punch than hearing it from me.
I would try to stay with her for a couple of days and really observe to see how well she's functioning. Often they cover how well they are doing. With dementia, staying by yourself really isn't an option, IMO.
The CAT scan came back, and the doctor said it wasn't dementia. However, my mother is definitely presenting all of the signs of it. Sad to say, I don't know if I can trust him any more.
I helped my mother fill out an application for an apartment here where I live. The building manager said she would be more than welcome to move here, as soon as an apartment is available. But there are a couple of major obstacles:
1. We have no one to help us move here things.
2. She refuses to get rid of a lot of her things, since these apartments are smaller than the one where she lives now.
She keeps going back and forth about moving here. But those two roadblocks are not going to be resolved unless someone steps in and helps us. I'm all alone in caring for her. I take her to her appointments, the grocery store, the pharmacy, and anywhere else she needs to go. Sometimes she rails against my show of concern. She sometimes wouldn't take her medications. I'm afraid she's not taking them again and fibbing about taking them to me and the doctor.
About a week ago, I took her to look around at our local senior center, and she flew into a rage. She took it out on me and the Service Center Assistant there, who was very understanding. I was hoping she'd be into the idea of adult daycare (I hate those words). The SCA told her that they needed "volunteers" and that she would be perfect. My mother wouldn't have any of it. After we left, she let me have it. I kept insisting that I was doing it because I care for her and worry. Later, she apologized.
If I could move closer to her, I would. The housing complex where she lives now won't let me live there, because I have bad credit. I've been looking up rentals in her immediate area, and none of them are in my price range. :(
Please, wish us both luck in the future. I want to do as much as I can for my mom. It never seems to be enough.
Also, you need to have POA and health care proxy for your mom if you don't already. Start looking at her Financials visit a visit assisted living, which she may need before too long. Let us know!
Her doctor suggested that she seek other living arrangements. He confirmed my fear, that she may well have dementia. He had ordered a blood test and CAT scan directly after her last appointment, and we had those done, on 1/20/15.
I rent an efficiency apartment in my building, and I can possibly arrange for her to rent her own place here, as well.