Follow
Share

My father died in May from congestive heart failure. I was his caregiver and worked with Hospice in his passing, but it has haunted me. I had to give him morphine when I wanted to nourish him back to health. Two weeks after his death, I moved my 86 year old Mom into my home as she is wheel chair bound, and can do nothing for herself. I have lived next door to my parents for 38 years and helped them all thru the years gladly. When Mom moved in with us, it's like a light switch was flipped. I love my Mom dearly and have been devoted to her all my life. After a few months, I am so frustrated and bitter. I take very good care of her, but just do not understand these feelings of resentment and anger. I have no help. I have two sisters who live out of state but they do nothing. Adding to this is my little granddaughter has been sick a lot, and I cannot be with her as she is two hours away; and I have no help or money to hire a sitter. I haven't had time to grieve my Dad, nor can I help with my granddaughter's chronic illness. Is this why I suddenly resent my Mom? I just don't understand. It scares me that I can feel this way towards someone I have always cherished.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

39 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
That's exactly what my mother has done Jessie... She seeks so much pity and wants me to fall all over her... She has absolutely no empathy for all the time and major effort her daughter (me) has sacrificed for her... Hell... I pity myself now for being such a patsy and given up so much of my precious life and independence... while being totally exhausted while trying to pay bills and make a 'living' around her pity parties (and, her never supporting me in 'the' family, with the brothers, daughter in laws, nieces, grnd nieces...). Like you my best and only choice is to,distance myself to try and gain my 'self' (autonomy) , self worth, dignity, etc back.
(4)
Report
One big problem I am having is my mother is feeling so sorry for herself. The self pity is a hard burden to put on a caregiving child. I have to stay away from her to keep from being pulled down into the same depression. She feels that there were only two people she ever loved and both of them are gone now. Oh, poor poor her. It is really a ploy to try to solicit pity from me. Really, I am thinking she was blessed to have such a long life, but she has wasted the last 10-20 years of it. What do I say when she is filled with pity about her lost loved ones? Say yeah, I'm sorry you lived longer than them, too? That would be mean. There is really nothing to say when it goes on for a long time. Antidepressants don't help.
(5)
Report
I understand Jessie... I can't believe the person my cold hearted mother has turned me into... I really resent her... She is so,cold hearted... I know I will never have the mother I so longed for... She is vacant when it comes to me (her only daughter)... Her Sons are her Golden boys... (she literally turns away from me... ).
(3)
Report
My mother chews on me a lot. She wakes up complaining and goes to bed fussing. The main thing I hope is that she doesn't wait for me at the entrance of the Pearly Gates. ARGHHHH! I couldn't deal with the complaining for all eternity. Maybe that would be Dante's First Realm.
(5)
Report
I just saw my post from 4 years ago, and nothing has changed... actually, it is much worse... I too lost my father at a young age... One reason why I wanted my mother around as long as possible... I literally gave up the last 14 years of my life to cater to her... seriously!... I threw her a 90th birthday last Sunday, and all she did was cry when my brother and family (who weren't here) Skyped her... She gloated all over them... I was totally excluded for hours after I busted my arse to invite at least 16 of her 'friends' and neighbors over... Now, she is even more distant from me... I never thought I would wish I was never born...
(3)
Report
Suzannaha61,
I like Blannie's answer. I know how you feel. Nobody wants to go to the hospital unless it's to visit someone who had a baby! I think we have all felt torn when you know you need to get up there to see her, yet you also know there is no way to make it into a short trip! Sometimes even when you really love them it's hard! I feel for you dear.
(0)
Report
Suannah61 you have to take care of yourself. I gave myself one day where I took a break from mom. Can you take a couple of days away from mom and do some things you love to do, that are restorative for you? See a movie, read a book, take some walks, visit with friends, exercise, whatever restores you. {{{Hugs}}}
(4)
Report
I'm sitting here wondering whether or not to visit my lovely elderly mother in hospital. I'm physically exhausted, (this has been an intense situation for many, many years) and I'm becoming emotionally distressed by the vigour of medical interventions. I am utterly devastated for the loss of my mum.
(3)
Report
Good question Paige... I struggle with that issue also. Kind of damned if you do, damned if you don't (especially, the mentality of it all). It's so difficult when you give so much of your life towards them, and then feel guilt for one reason or another... I would also like to be a peace knowing that I've tried my best... I guess it's all a part of life somehow... I also lost my father at a young age ... I know how you ache from such an early loss of a parent... it's such a void that you have to live with and be reminded of, especially around your mom. Realistically, I know we can't be all, but when we have 'feelings' this 'caring' does a number on us... It's a tough act... I guess we have to 'learn' to forgive and be kind to ourselves... (I'm forever working on it). We're only human. Big hug... 🌷💓💐🎼
(0)
Report
I feel resentment toward my 80 year old mom and she's doesn't even sound as bad as some of these other posts. She lives an hour away and usually pretty independent. Lately she's needed more help from me because of her knee replacement. She's just so negative and never seems to be that happy about anything. She's depressing to be around and I'd rather spend my time with people who are enjoyable. Just wondering how I can make our time more pleasant together. I know she won't be here forever and one day I'll regret that I didn't appreciate her when I had the chance. I lost my Dad when I was 11, so I know what it feels like to wish you had even just a little more time. I have to accept that at 80 years old she's not going to change, so how do I change my frame of mind. A lot of posts say put yourself in your Mom's shoes, but that just makes me feel worse.
(2)
Report
My mom has been widowed for close to a year. She has dementia and after losing dad she got worse. My job was increasingly stressful and on top of being solely responsible for her I retired even though I am in no position to afford it. I resent that I'm supposed to give up my "golden years" to do so much for her. I need to go back to work. I'm struggling to find a job. I hear of so many moving their parent in with them. I can't do that and she can well afford a good independent living place where they'll treat her like a queen. I Never thought this is how I'd be spending my 50s. My husband is helpful but he's really starting to show his age and I'm thinking no way, I can't caretake one more person. I dream of moving away and getting a small place on my own. Someplace where I could be physically active and live a healthy life. I'm not even sure I'd mind the loneliness.
(4)
Report
Heart, find out exactly what constitutes elder abuse legally and armed with that knowledge you can make good decisions. Too often we proceed with half-baked ideas and cause ourselves grief when knowing the facts would spare us that. To an abusive parent, I'd say "have a nice life!" and then go on to work on my own life. They want things their way? Then they take the consequences.
(2)
Report
PS. Resentment will ruin YOUR life, so figure out how to get that outta your life. And maybe it means big changes that everybody in your whole family has to deal with, including your mom.
(2)
Report
Heart2heart i hear you loud and clear. Ive been taking care of my mom(& her sister by default, her kids are "not available") for 14 years & I am in the process of shifting all of her needs away from my direct care. I am NOT a nurse, so in spite of her objections she now lives in a place where she has 24 hr. Nursing care available. She (& my aunt ) are the queens of manipulation, but I am 61 years old & I want to own my own life. I would like to be friends with both, but they are so demanding that it sabotages the time we have together. My suggestion to you is to recognize that you have done ENOUGH for her, and move her to a place where she can get 24 hr. serious care for her health & physical needs, & then figure out how to make yourself happy. You will NEVER make her happy, so focus on yourself.
(3)
Report
oh my, watch law and disorder in philly for the american ( declining ) experience of a lifetime. its outrageous, this homocide investigator named hunter patrols those streets without fear cause frankly hes the baddest hombre on the streets. hes nothing short of hilarious. wouldnt wanna screw with him. gun barrel doesnt taste good.
(0)
Report
yea hes an emt but he thinks his dad is a joke. well jokey dad aint gonna get blown away by a feud that reentered ER. personally id give those f**ks corkscrews to remove their own bullets. ya got shot beotch ? yup, you stood up instead of shut up. im such a g-d sweetie..
(1)
Report
Hey Captain! Is your son an EMT? At least that's a real job.
(0)
Report
* sigh *
my 31 yr old alleged son usedta call me every year and wish me happy birthday. if he cant reply during the remainder of the year to my occasional s**k b**ls email, then our relationship is probably not the best it could be.
he scoops up bullet riddled people on the streets of gary. one of us is nuts and im thinkin " him " .
(2)
Report
AWWW Hell. it's the new year... can't we at least TRY to get along... good grief...
(1)
Report
@ heart,
imagine yourself at 80 yrs old + giving a flying damn about a commercial holiday. no, shit gets real at that age. your mother would probably have enjoyed a loving word and her favorite meal instead of the holiday claptrap.
im only 55 and holidays piss me off. some joker who dont care if you live or die shows up on mother-f,ers day with a bucket of flowers. thats lame people, just freakin lame. superficial, pretentious, and lame.
(0)
Report
Yes, I know it's never as simple as saying "fine, have it your own way." Maybe work with your sister on the united front thing - though go carefully, it would be all too easy for her to hear what you say as criticism of her weakness, rather than encouragement for her to be more assertive as you'd intend; and record your father's response to every suggestion you both make for improving safety and care for both of them from a behind-covering point of view. Even the most officious officials have to recognise that you can lead the horse to water but…

Glad you're minding your back! - in all senses of the phrase. x
(1)
Report
Countrymouse you are so right, it is emotional blackmail and I am allowing them to get away with it. My father has always been a very selfish person only thinking of his own needs, my mother has been emotionally abused by him for so long that she is like a caged animal whenever any change is introduced. They fight us on every turn. We have a caregiver come in three days per week to transport him to dialysis and cook but in between any falls or struggles, repairs anything of that sort falls on my sister (who doesn't work) and myself. I told him I can no longer lift him my back will not take it, I call the paramedics whenever he falls now. We have a social worker involved too. My parents have given us more trouble than their children ever gave them. I have a brother that lives in Texas that is retired, no help at all. My sister feels the same way I do but she gives in to him and lets my father manipulate her more easily. My concern too is being accused of elder abuse if we turn our backs.
(1)
Report
Lauraneida, how does your sister feel? Have you asked her? If you both feel the same way, then stop resenting your father's selfishness by declining to pick up the slack and insisting on better arrangements for their care. If your sister also works but doesn't feel the same, it's a bit more complicated because you can't easily turn your back and leave it all to her; but you can still negotiate. In any case it sounds as if his condition and your mother's illness will soon take decisions out of your hands: be prepared for more scenes.

I suppose what I'm saying is that your father can't make you do anything. Either help your parents or don't help them, your choice, but don't give in to emotional blackmail and then blame him for being successful at it!
(2)
Report
I I am finding myself feeling resentment towards my father. He is 91 on dialysis three times per week and totally wheelchair bound. He and my mother still live in their own home, she has dementia. The situation is terrible. He had a chance to go to a VA nursing home in August and absolutely refused and caused a terrible scene and so did my mother. They both said some terrible things. Now things have progressed and my sister and I are picking up the slack. I am 61 she is 66, I work fulltime. Yes, I resent him terribly for being so very selfish.
(2)
Report
Heart2Heart I am in a similar situation - I am garbage to my father who I gave up all disability income and all belongings to move across the country to care for him, and do everything for him like he is a king. Yet he literally swoons giddily over anything to do with my sister who does NOTHING for him ever. He constantly rubs it in my face how he "can't help how he feels" and how she is perfect and he just worships her and her partner. All they do is visit once a year for 2 weeks and do nothing to help but suck up his money, talk endlessly about ways of killing him so they can get his money, and get him to give them whatever valuables and heirlooms that they can carry back with them, and they are already rich. He grovels and swoons over them, or the xmas cards and presents they send while degrading mine to him. Anyway, I don't want to go on more in this thread but if you start your own I will join it gladly! I wish the best for all of us. If I can drag myself out of depression enough to be proactive then I can start a thread about this and hope you will join too.
(0)
Report
Heart2Heart, I can understand your sheer frustration about trying to make Christmas a special day for you and your mother with no appreciation. Bitterness and resentment does build when no matter what you do for an elderly parent they will complain and not appreciate your efforts. You have had a long hard journey caring for your mother, yet you still hang in there doing it. Vent away about your feelings. This posting is about bitterness and resentment and that was how you were feeling.
(2)
Report
GEEZ i work full time, and take care of an eldrly friend too, I do everything to make him happy,, hr does not appreciate it, and answers me back when I tell him what not to do,,, but I learned to just ignore him soemtimes,,,
(1)
Report
Thank you everyone for responding to my post. This has been simply an overwhelming year for all of us. I am glad I found this site, because I know I can get the support and encouragement I need to take care of both my Mom and myself.
(3)
Report
Heart to Heart, it not what you think it is. Probably she just thought you should start your own thread. And you should! You put yourself out, doing something you though your mom would like and appreciate, and she didn't. Maybe she even said something really ugly to you. It hurts your heart. And you lashed back at her and took it all apart before it was even Christmas...but Mom is probably just spilling over with her own resentment of the situation and how much she hates needing care. She quite possibly tells herself that the other kids who don't care about her are just too busy or too far away because she lives with you.

Christmas does not need to die for you forever because your mom is not acting right. Either she is cognitive enough for you to share how torn up you feel because of whatever she said or did, or you are going to have to chalk it up to loss of insight and empathy. Play it out in your head first maybe,,,what would happen if you said "ok, it's obvious how much you hate me and hate living here, so tell me what you want to do? I don't want to work hard and end up just making you unhappy, and will gladly take you somewhere else if you tell me so."
(3)
Report
Codythree, I agree with CountryMouse. You need some time out and time away. Can you put her in a respite facility for a couple of weeks so that you can spend time with your granddaughter or just time doing what you want to do? When she comes back home, bring in more help, so that you can have more of a life. You've done for your parents for 38 years, now it's time to do for yourself for a change.
(4)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter