On page 129 of the book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes and When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life, Drs. Cloud and Townsend discuss the difficulty some of us have with elderly parents who may not be really in need, but are irresponsible, demanding or acting like martyrs. or when they are in need lack the clear boundaries of what one can or cannot give. Poor boundaries can ruin marriages and hurt children.
What I'm talking about is the demanding parent who really is not in need or not as needy as they want others to believe. My elderly grandmother told my mother a few years before she died, "It's time for you to leave ___ and come live with me." That is one place where you as my mother did gracefully say no.
My sister in law and my wife are dealing with an impossible mother who has an incredible amount of money, alienates all in her path, demands that my sister in law be her slave for she lives a few houses down, has always run down my snl's husband, and tells people in town what a selfish daughter she has. Her daughter has been fighting uterine cancer since 2009 and she often calls me up angry and in tears about this for her mother makes her feel very guilty. That calls for a graceful but firm boundary. It needs to be forgiven but my snl has been abused enough.
I've transitioning from mad at their irresponsibility and lack of planning, to compassion for their consequences and declining state. Grace. Grace. Grace. Gentleness and letting go of the past. What else is there?