He has been my partner and friend for 9 years and is 18 years older. Never in my life did I think it would come to me giving him 24/7 care as he is bedridden now after what was probably a stroke. Never ever did I think I would have to empty a catheter, give a suppository, clean up after bm, and do basically everything. Had I known, I would never had moved in with him. He is fully aware and feels terrible being a burden. Truth is, my clock is ticking and I do not want to be doing this for the last good years I have. His daughter from a previous marriage is no help. I do have hospice helping but, strictly for help with bathing and changing sheets. A nurse comes once a week. He was in a deplorable facility and it made everything so much worse...bladder infection, covid, and basically lots of neglect including food not fit for a dog. I would not wish that on anyone. I simply dont know what to do. It is causing me depression, anxiety, sadness, and feeling really stuck. Any advice?
his urinal, cleaned up his poo, gave him his meds, hand fed him, slept on the couch next to his bed, and
held his hand as he passed. And I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. When it comes down to that very emotional and critical time, that's what love is all about, till death do you part. I couldn't imagine having the attitude of "I didn't sign up for this, I'm outta here." That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
You've already thought about it and decided that you don't want to spend the last good years of you own life as a care slave cleaning up sh*t and living in miserable drudgery. You are not wrong. You should be important in your own life.
How terrible does your partner feel about being a burden? Terrible enough to stop being one and be willing to go into facility care again? All care facilities are not deplorable. You can be a large part of his care in a facility too.
If he is placed, you can bring him dinner every night if you want to. You can do his laundry and help him in so many ways. You will feel good about it and so will he. Then you can go home and have a life.
What's going to happen if you continue as things are is any love and friendship you feel for him will be replaced with resentment and dread. I'm sure neither of you want that to happen.
He needs to be placed in care. Look at places. None will be perfect, but there are ones that you will be able to work with. Please try. It's what will be best for both of you.
He is now 81, meaning she is currently 63
That means he was 72 and she was 54 when they hooked up.
Together for 9 years with an 18 year age difference according to her post..
Look for a place that is suitable for his needs. It’s clear that you aren’t able to care for him in your home. Be honest with him and tell him this.
Wishing you both all the best.
So there was no "in sickness and in health sort of a thing here".
And what I am wondering is whether or not there is any protection from you IF you enter into caregiving?
I too have chosen not to remarry after meeting my current partner of 37 years. However, we are "domestic partners" in the state, giving me the protections and rights of a spouse in this state, and we are honest and protective of one another in wills/trusts/POAs/all documents. As we each have two children of prior marriages it is important to us to keep certain aspects of trusts, of accounts, of such other things separate, and we do this by attending our attorney, etc. and maintaining good communication with our four children.
So I would ask you, what have you and partner done to combine things, to keep things separate, to maintain protection of assets, to maintain safety for one another and etc.
Because if you are out here on your own, not working, not protected, with few assets of your own, you likely should be attending an attorney now if you haven't done so in the past.
That doesn't address you daily reality, and is a bit pragmatic, but just advice as I think of it.
But I also new that more than likely it will be me taking care of him in his aging years. And I wouldnt want it any other way!!!
I mean unless you were not living in reality this whole time. Surely you understand that our bodies often fail us as we get older even if we've done everything in our power to help prevent it right? So what makes your partner any different?
What if it were you now in this position of needing help? Would you want him to do everything you're doing for him, or would you just accept that it was too much for him and willingly go into the appropriate facility?
The fact that you never married each other I guess gives you an easier out if you decide that's what you want. Only you can make that decision.
But for those of us that did take our wedding vows seriously and opted to stick it out until the end, out of love, can look back on our lives and know that we did the very best we could for our spouses, and that God will and has blessed our lives now as we continue on without them.
None of us have a crystal ball that predicts or shows us the future, and the fact that you also say that "Had I known, I would never had moved in with him" tells me that you really don't love him, and that you apparently moved in with him for other reasons. Reasons only you know, but obviously not because you loved him and wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. And to me that is very sad.
So at this point I believe it's best to cut your losses and let the chips fall where they may, as he deserves better than what you can give him.
And make this a lesson learned, and stay out of any relationships you're not willing to see through until the end.
And if he’s not even paying you, he should feel even more bad.
I don’t think it’s a dreadful thing to split, but if you do it would be best if you can arrange decent care for him, and keep a friendship going on terms that work for you. I wouldn’t bother about looking for a younger man! And grit your teeth, because there are bound to be criticisms.
Yes, you were younger. I can get that.
But unless you were 10 years old I don't get that you didn't see an age difference there.
And if you didn't foresee what that would mean early on, I am certain that once that bloom was off the rose you did know this was a possibility.
So now, here it is.
It is up to you how much love you had/ have for this man, how much of your own life you will invest in one way or another. He full well knew when he married YOU, how young you were, and what the consequences might well be in the future.
So it is up to you, how you live you life, what you can live with, and what you choose to do.
Isn't it?
I consider my honesty to be somewhat brutal as well, but then life can be a brutal thing. Any of us who have lived at ALL understand that much.
By the way, all your feelings in this situation? They are normal, I would say. Unavoidable in fact. It is your choice how to move through this. And believe it or not I am so sorry for all this grief. I well know what it is to look at that "older man" so wise, so wonderful.....and to have somewhat magical thinking about it all. Moonstruck is the movie I recommend for tonight. The Professor in the diner part of the whole movie. Actually, I recommend the ENTIRE movie, entirely. A respite from thinking on it all.
The Medicaid app can be found and downloaded in his home state's Dept of Health website, searching for Medicaid app pdf.
You do not have to be the applicant's legal representative but I think if he has capacity he can write in your name and sign it -- it may differ by state.
You will need to know some important info, like his SSN, DOB, have access to his medical bills and bank statements, and be able to list any other assets he may have (house, car, property). It usually takes 3 months to get an answer once the app is sent.
He should consider assigning a legal guardian to help him manage his affairs since it sounds like you are not going to do it into the future. You may want to have a discussion with a social worker about this. In certain situations the county can acquire guardianship for people, but usually its when they no longer have cognitive capacity.